13. Stop The Pain: Why We Must Tame Our Ego

Kabbalists teach that our souls’ primary purpose is to grow. But the ego loves to get in the way. In this episode of Spiritually Hungry, Monica and Michael Berg discuss the ways ego can prevent us from reaching our highest potential and how we can use it as a tool to redirect our consciousness, so we can instead focus on kindness and sharing.

Transcript

The battle against the ego is the most important battle of our lives.

There is an illusion that when you act under the ego's desire,

You get what you want,

So then if you get what you want,

Naturally happiness will follow.

When we follow the ego,

When we are under the influence of the ego,

That is when we are in the greatest pain.

What's really important to get across is that ego is part of every single one of us,

And it's our responsibility to make a choice each and every day to taint me.

To the degree that you develop and are able to take control of that ego,

To separate yourself from that voice,

You will see that you begin living and accepting reality in a much more beautiful and powerful way.

Welcome to the spiritually hungry podcast episode 13.

Super excited about this week's topic.

It's a big,

Big topic.

Very,

Very short word and something that takes a hold of all of us at mostly our worst times.

Can you guess what it is?

Me?

No,

Obviously you are in on the secret.

It is the ego.

So we have a lot to get into.

I first want to talk about a list I came across about seven traits that intelligent people embody.

You want to hear less,

Michael?

I would love to hear the number one.

They don't get easily offended to they read more than they talk.

Three,

They enjoy intelligent discourse for they quickly admit when they are wrong.

Five,

They're comfortable changing their opinion.

Six,

They surround themselves with intelligence.

And seven,

They seek to understand every perspective on a topic.

Now I think we can all agree that this is these are all virtuous,

But they're also challenging.

For example,

Being comfortable changing opinions is something we might applaud in others,

But it isn't so simple to do when we're asking to make this adjustment ourselves.

The common thread,

I think,

For all seven of these traits can be summed up with less ego and more consciousness because only ego gets offended.

Only ego adopts a static perspective.

It's our ego that doesn't want to change its mind.

And ego doesn't want to be around people that are smarter.

It doesn't want to be challenged in discourse,

And it only wants to know the most on any subject,

Leaving no room for growth.

Now,

I wouldn't be really satisfied in a relationship if somebody had most of these characteristics.

But thankfully,

I hope I don't have.

Now,

You're pretty good on the ego scale and taming it.

I think that to diminish the ego,

The formula is to expand our consciousness because that's what creates intelligence.

Consciousness,

On the other hand,

Right opposite of ego,

It never stands firm on its own righteousness.

It's malleable,

Flexible and always expanding.

Our consciousness has no interest in being right.

It seeks simply to be.

Our consciousness is unlimited,

Therefore it has no use for staying put.

It can never be offended or harmed.

And when we direct it in a positive,

Kind way,

Everything works out for the better.

So notice I said when we direct it,

Right?

Because we need to choose which consciousness to have.

Of course.

And I'd like to actually take even a step back because I think that this topic is so important and maybe for some of our listeners,

A little bit more of a background of where the ego comes from and its most powerful characteristics will help us in this process of eliminating the most negative aspects of it from our lives.

So the spiritual perspective is that we are,

Our true essence and what we call the soul,

Is a powerful,

Light-filled,

Beautiful reality.

Each one of us,

Each one of our listeners right now,

Each one of us has a tremendous inner light and a tremendous potential.

And we actually are set up to be happy in every single second of our lives.

But at the core of our fulfillment,

At the core of our potential becoming manifest,

It has to be earned.

And in order to allow for the earning of everything that we reveal,

Every moment of joy that we experience,

The system was set up in such a way where we do not live alone.

We do not live alone in our minds.

We do not live alone in our lives.

There is this other force that is constant in our mind,

In our thoughts,

And maybe the most important thing to realize about it is that it is not us.

The Zara,

The foundational text of Kabbalah,

Refers to this force as the other,

The other side or the other.

Sounds a little bit like a horror film.

Well,

It kind of is,

Right?

Because as we will hopefully come to understand,

Every moment of pain that we have experienced is an effect of our attachment to our ego.

So if we begin our understanding with the concept that there is me,

The amazing self,

The one that is when left alone,

Experiences joy and appreciation and love in every moment and reveals great light and potential of our being all the time,

And there is the other,

The other we refer to it as the ego.

We also sometimes use the term Kabbalistically,

The desire to receive the self alone,

The most selfish aspect of our thoughts.

But again,

I would say maybe the most important first step in understanding this battle,

Which is constant,

Is the fact that this other force,

This other voice,

The voice that tells us to be upset when somebody says something negative about us,

The voice that says,

Don't change your mind,

Even though you know you're wrong,

The voice that tells us in the middle of an argument,

Don't admit that you made a mistake.

That voice is not you.

It is another voice that exists in your mind to overcome,

But that you in your current state are filled with joy,

Light,

Potential and fulfillment.

And therefore the battle against the ego is the most important battle of our lives.

So if we begin with that understanding that our ego is not us,

It is not our essence,

It is absolutely,

It is the opposite of our essence.

And if you had to guess how much time do you think people are consumed or controlled by the other,

The ego versus their true essence?

Well,

I think there's a very easy way to find that out.

What percentage of the day are you filled with joy and happiness,

Right?

Whatever percentage that is,

If you're happy a hundred percent of the time every single day,

Then the ego has no control over you.

If you're happy 20% of the time every day,

Then the ego has taken over for the other 80% of the time.

Let's unpack that for a second because we just did a podcast recently on happiness,

Right?

And we said,

It's not something that you can chase and it's not external and it's something you have to internally provide for yourself.

So how does chasing the ego make one unhappy?

Because we even,

Some of the questions we got a bunch on ego and we're not going to really go into this one too much,

But just to touch upon it,

He said,

I was more happy in a way when the ego got what it wanted,

But he's not.

He's miserable,

Which is why he had written in,

Right?

Nothing was actually working his way,

But there was an illusion that when you act under the ego's desire,

You get what you want.

So then if you get what you want,

Naturally happiness would follow.

Right.

So we have to come to understand.

And again,

I think most of us,

If we're honest with ourselves and take the time to think about our lives,

We will truly come to see that,

That when we follow the ego,

When we are under the influence of the ego,

That is when we are in the greatest pain.

And this internal dialogue and really what I would hope for our listeners from this podcast,

This is,

You know,

There's a famous quote from one of the great Kabbalists,

Ravi'i Zikluri of the Ari about 500 years ago.

And this is also the same quote that is used by another great Kabbalist,

The Baal Shem told him,

His students came to him before he left this physical world and he said,

How do we choose our next teacher?

You're leaving us.

How do we find,

How do we choose our next teacher?

He says,

Ask them,

Any person you think who might be the right choice to be your teacher,

Ask them,

How do I get rid of the ego?

And any teacher who gives you an answer,

He's definitely not your teacher because there is no solution to the ego except a constant battle against it.

But this inner dialogue that we're talking about is the first step and hopefully a constant step again for the purpose of having more fulfillment in my life.

If I understand,

If we understand that living under the control of this other force called the ego,

Steals my joy,

Steals my potential.

And therefore when we think about the ego at its core,

It is blocking everything that is good about us.

It is blocking me from revealing living and revealing my potential.

It is blocking me from experiencing the joy that exists in every single moment of my life.

So the reason why this,

It reminds me of that Mumford and Sons song,

Where you invest your light is how you'll invest your life,

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And if we're allowing the,

If we're living our ego version of our life,

Right?

At the end of the day,

We're not going to be very fulfilled or happy.

I do want to just define ego because I think that some of our listeners may understand ego to be something else and not necessarily how you and I have understood it through Kabbalah.

So many traditions focus on diffusing the ego,

Right?

That's not a new theme.

Successfully sublimating the ego is known as Nirvana,

Enlightenment and kabbalistically it's referred to being one with the light,

The force of kindness and sharing.

Spiritually minded people tend to associate the ego with something unhealthy,

With narcissism or an inflated sense of self worth.

The ego seeks to defend our sense of identity in a myriad of ways.

In synchrony with Freud's understanding,

Kabbalah identifies ego with defense mechanisms like denial,

Delusions,

Displacement,

Overcompensation,

Projection,

Rationalization,

Reactive behavior and repression,

Which,

You know,

There's so much that's attached to the ego.

But again,

Kabbalistically ego is not attached or connected to our true essence.

Rather,

It's an aspect of our human nature validating that it's OK to treat another without respect and human dignity.

Our Eos are built on what we think,

Know and need,

Which I think is really interesting,

Right?

If you break it down like that,

If you look back at any tragic event in history,

You're going to find somebody within it who had ego like the root of all,

I think,

War and separateness,

Lack of unity is that there's somebody's ego and maybe another person's ego got offended and somehow this evolved and grew someone hungry for power,

Someone afraid of loss or motivated by greed,

Fear and hatred.

And while we think right,

If we're being honest with ourselves,

We think this is just assigned to monsters,

Right?

People with really big egos that are removed from our daily lives.

But the truth is,

It begins with all of us.

It's in all of us.

And it's up to us to tame it.

So I think that what's really important to get across is that ego is part of every single one of us.

And it's our responsibility to make a choice each and every day to tame it.

When I started studying Kabbalah,

One of the first principles I learned is that the ego desires to receive for the self alone.

And I had never looked at life in those kinds of terms or had that even that vocabulary.

And then when our expectations aren't met,

We get angry,

We get defensive,

We blame,

We judge,

We even punish others.

When we're full of anger and resentment,

It becomes difficult to behave with kindness towards anyone.

So I think what you were saying earlier is that when you choose ego time and time again,

There is less empathy,

Less kindness,

Because what you're putting all your energy into is a different bucket.

Right.

And it's funny,

As you were saying that,

What came to mind is,

How do you know when you've acted with your ego?

Well,

Certainly every time,

And we've all had this almost every single day,

When you look back at something you said,

A decision you made,

Even something you thought and said,

I'm better than that.

Right?

Like you could have done better?

No,

You know that who I am is better than that.

Right.

Let's say,

You know,

We've all had these moments.

Well,

I've heard of these moments.

You're walking down the street and somebody says something to you,

Right?

And you yell back at them,

Right?

Or worse,

You curse back at them.

And then I think most of us who are,

You know,

Somewhat aware,

You know,

Later on during the day or at night when we're about to go to sleep,

We say,

You know,

I'm not happy that I did that myself.

And I'm better than that.

What caused you to react?

Asked you the question,

You go to sleep and you're like,

I'm better than that.

Most people are not fully tapped into the idea that of their greatness,

Right?

They say I can do better than that,

But I really want to point out these words.

It seems like,

Okay,

What?

It's just a few words that I'm focusing on.

But when you say I am better than that,

Then what you're doing is you're going back to soul versus the other.

Right.

And I really want that to be the theme of our conversation,

Because I think it's easy to kind of say I could have done better.

It's not the same.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And it's interesting.

I remember I think I might have told this story once.

I remember I was driving in New York some time ago.

And as I'm driving,

There's a truck in front of me.

And and I think that,

You know,

He's just not moving because,

You know,

There's a red light in front of him.

But I made the mistake.

The truth is he had been parked double parked and the lady behind me thought that that I was just stopping for no reason.

And she starts honking at me.

And I understand why she was talking.

And she she,

You know,

She comes around,

She rolls out her window,

Starts yelling at me all kinds of curses and she drives off.

I wish I was there.

I would have been entertained.

Well,

So then and then I remember as this is happening,

I start feeling upset.

And then the next thought I said to myself,

How silly is that?

You don't know this lady.

Chances are you're never going to see her again.

What difference does it make to you?

What she thinks about you or what she just said to you?

You know,

I find hilarious about the story that you just got upset by it.

Most people would have cursed back.

OK,

I would have just gone full on,

You know,

Zero to a thousand.

But I think I think one of the important ways to remove the hold that the ego has on our lives is to realize how silly it is.

This thought,

You know,

The other thing to realize about the ego,

You know,

They say in wine,

When you're opening a bottle of wine,

You want to give it as much surface space.

And that's where the decanters are so wide because you want as much oxygen to hit the wine before you drink it because it opens it up.

The ego in a weird way,

What it does to us,

It creates much greater surface space for hurt because misunderstanding and judgment and blame.

Well,

But no,

But you're you're you're creating more opportunities for yourself to get hurt.

What do I mean?

Most of us really care what other people think about us like this lady,

Right?

She's one in eight billion or so people in this world.

And in some stupid,

Silly way,

I cared what she thought about me and what she said to me.

That is what the ego wants to do.

The ego wants us to say,

Care about everybody's thoughts about you,

Care about what everybody's saying about you.

And what happens when you start listening and living the ego and worse,

When you start thinking that these are your own thoughts,

There's so many more opportunities to get hurt.

There's so many more people who you care about what they're thinking about you.

When in reality,

The only person you should care about,

What they think about you is yourself and your soul and what you should or should not be doing.

So what the ego does amongst its many tricks is make us so outwardly focused that now everybody's thoughts and especially in today's social media,

There's,

You know,

Thousands even,

You know,

Somebody who's not that famous has thousands of people who could say certain things with things,

Certain things.

And by the way,

We remember the one negative or the two like that,

Not the that's the ego at work.

You might have 50 people say,

Wow,

You really inspired me or help me.

And one that was like,

You know,

And what do you hear over and over again?

The ego repeating that one.

That's another trick of the ego.

But the beauty of,

Of this battle is that imagine living in a state where you literally could not care less what anybody thinks about you,

What anybody says about you.

All you are focused on is doing the best of revealing yourself,

Your soul,

Your light,

Your potential.

That sounds like freedom.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And that's why this topic,

You know,

Really speak about this for days,

Right?

But also it is so important because what we do too often in life,

Especially as we grow up and continue living and years go by,

We actually create more ego surface space rather than diminishing it.

Because again,

You start caring about more people and more people and more people.

But they're saying when in reality,

We're meant to be free of all of that.

Our essence,

Our soul is free of all that it couldn't care less.

And it's interesting when I get tripped up with those kinds of things,

I pause and I consciously say,

I choose me,

Right?

I choose me.

So whatever is being thrown at me,

Whatever's hurtful,

If I feel judgment,

My character is being attacked,

Whatever it is,

I stop and say,

Okay,

I have a choice to make in this moment.

I choose to give energy to all of those other things that I can never control.

Often other people.

And it will continue for the rest of my life because that is what happens,

Especially,

You know,

You and I put ourselves out there a lot.

And the more you put yourself out there,

The more you are open to being attacked potentially.

So that's a choice,

Right?

And I keep saying I choose me.

And by choosing me,

I choose my goodness,

My essence,

My growth.

It doesn't mean it's easy,

But that's where I go back to each and every time where I get stuck now with ego,

I can recognize what I'm about to be reactive.

I can recognize when my ego has been bruised.

Like,

Oh,

You know,

We've been doing this for so long,

But where I do still struggle is when somebody that I love or I care for that or it's the money that's still in my life,

But the relationship has changed and I've accepted all of that.

But when there needs to be clearer boundaries and less of this giving just freely because it's not an even relationship or maybe the person's not able to receive in that way.

Or it might not be healthy for you to give them in that way.

Also,

And mostly true.

And so then I stop and say,

Okay,

Well,

I know that I shouldn't really give in this moment,

But on the other hand,

I want to be a person that is more in touch with giving than receiving.

And that should be my consciousness.

And so I asked myself this question,

If that person was no longer here and I didn't have the ability to offer anything to them or to give to them or love them or show them kindness,

What would I be left feeling?

Would I have regret that I didn't have enough opportunity to share with them?

What I regret those moments that I decided to be withholding rather than fully giving with an open heart and open arms.

And that always kind of steers me.

And they still maybe shouldn't receive.

But from my end,

From my perspective of what I'm asking my soul to do,

That's my way of navigating through this.

That's beautiful.

And again,

Like you said,

It doesn't mean that you always decide to give,

But in reality,

When you're not listening to your ego and you're listening to your soul,

You will be giving more than you would in the time than withholding when the ego is telling you to do that.

But I wanted to also go back to that point we were talking about earlier,

Which is so important as it relates to the ego.

We spoke with the fact that it increases the surface area of hurt,

But also I would say one of the clear ways,

Because as I said before,

Really what we're hoping and striving for in this podcast is for our listeners to really begin this inner dialogue to become more and more aware of the tricks of the ego.

And so one of them,

Of course,

Like we said before,

Is when you're starting to feel hurt by other people,

What they might be saying or thinking.

And in general,

Anything that is outwardly focused,

I am only going to be happy if this person likes me,

Or I'm only going to be happy if this person does these things for me.

Anything that is outside of yourself that is very often the ego telling you,

Don't be happy unless that person thinks well of you.

Don't be happy unless that person is giving you something and so on and so forth.

Start catching yourself.

Start saying,

One second,

Am I outwardly focused?

What's pushing me to be outwardly focused?

Well,

The answer usually is the ego.

Anything that is external,

Because the reality is,

As you listen to this podcast right now,

You have everything in your life that you'll ever need to be happy,

At least in this moment.

You have everything right now in your light,

In your essence,

In your soul to be completely happy.

But you need to be able to manifest it,

Right?

Because I'm sure as you're speaking,

A lot of people say,

Well,

I don't have this and I kind of want that and this isn't coming to me.

Right.

But the reality is,

Again,

Right now in the moment of your current existence,

The only reason you're not happy if you're not happy is because the ego is telling you not to be happy.

Because the ego is telling you,

One second,

Don't be happy in this moment because tomorrow you're going to get this other thing and that's going to make you happy.

Or don't be happy in this moment,

This person just cursed you out.

Or don't be happy in this moment because that person doesn't like you yet.

So all- So it's never enough.

It's- The ego is never satisfied.

Exactly.

The ego is never full,

Actually.

Yes.

The ego keeps on looking outward,

External.

And one of the first lessons we have to remind ourselves of,

Because we know this,

I am enough.

Right now,

I don't need anything external to me to be happy.

That other voice in my mind that is telling me no way to be happy or you can't be happy because this person,

That person,

And so on and so forth,

That's all the ego.

And the more quickly we become aware of that,

Because the reality is,

Like you said before,

Consciousness or awareness is the greatest way to battle the ego.

Stop yourself and say,

No,

That's not me talking.

That's not my soul talking.

My soul knows and experiences joy in this moment.

It doesn't have to wait for that person to stop speaking about me or for this other person to like me or for that person to give me this or even for me to have achieved something else.

All that is ego talk.

And the more we are connected to our true essence,

The more we are connected to our soul,

The more we are able to experience the joy and the light that exists right now,

All around me,

In my life.

And the other aspect,

Which I think is important to realize about the ego,

Is that when we think about everything outside of ourselves,

What happens is that we become distracted.

Unfortunately,

Most of our day is so distracted,

So distracted,

And we will never achieve,

Whenever our soul came into this world,

We will never achieve our potential as long as we remain distracted.

That one voice that wants to keep us distracted is the voice of the ego.

That's so,

So true.

So we got a few questions in,

As I said.

Here's one that I thought was pretty cool.

The question is,

I've heard that the ego is constantly working to infiltrate our consciousness,

And we must constantly be on the lookout for the ways in which it influences our thoughts.

I've also heard it often operates outside our awareness,

That we all have many blind spots.

Knowing this,

How can we ever fully trust ourselves if we cannot trust our own thoughts?

That's a very good question.

And it really relates to a lot of what we've spoken about until now.

Like we said before,

Start with the small steps.

You know when you weren't being the best version of yourself.

You know when you were being reactive.

You know when you were holding on to an argument just so that the ego does not have to admit that it might have been wrong.

So the beauty of this ego battle is that you know already.

You just have to start clearing the fog.

I think it's a beautiful Buddhist teaching that what the ego is,

Is it's dust in our eyes that does not let us see reality.

But our eyes can see reality.

Once you begin the process,

Or for those of us who are already hopefully in the process of removing that dust,

You have all the tools that you need,

All the eyes that you need to start seeing reality.

So the more you become aware of the tricks and the silliness and the confusion and distraction created by the ego,

The more quickly that dust disappears and you start to realize your true essence and your soul.

Also imagine if you woke up every day and you asked yourself,

How do I know if this is the voice of my ego or my soul?

Even if you just brought awareness to this idea that there is the other and there is your essence.

And you woke up every day asking that question,

Which one is leading today?

The answer is simpler than we might think.

If it's our soul's desire,

There's some aspect of wanting to do good for other people.

There's going to be a part of your day that is focused on sharing,

Of being of service,

Calling people in need,

Doing something outside of what is the external thinking of me?

What am I receiving?

And if your day is more focused on your own desire,

What you're going to get,

Then you know it's coming from your ego.

It's simply,

That would shift your entire day.

Right.

And Monica,

What you said reminded me of something which is so important,

Again,

As we try to unravel the tricks of the ego.

And it's something so powerful once you're able to,

I don't want to say master it,

But begin to work with this idea.

Anytime your mind,

Now we understand we don't want to call it your mind,

Your ego tells you,

I am not happy with what is happening right now.

Everybody is upsetting me.

What is happening right now shouldn't be happening,

Or I don't want it to happen,

I want it to stop.

I'm upset that it's happening.

That whole dialogue is the ego dialogue.

Because the truest part of us,

Right,

Our true self,

Our soul,

Sees and experiences the light in every situation.

You know,

Like for instance,

I told the story that I told about when I was in the car,

It's a small story,

But when the lady yelled at me,

What was my soul experiencing at that time?

Joy.

It was either seeing the silliness in the moment,

Or just so happy that somebody is yelling at me.

And I might not even understand why,

But one thing I know for sure,

The part of me,

The ego,

That was saying,

Oh no,

How dare this lady do this to me now?

It happened already.

What do you mean?

You're not going to change what just happened.

No,

But the ego says,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

You have to change what just happened.

You can't accept the reality.

You need to create clear boundaries,

And you need to stick up for yourself.

And sometimes we're upset with somebody else,

And we feel they're taking advantage of us.

So the next person that comes along and yells at us,

We unleash all of that.

I mean,

That's all still ego.

Right.

Because again,

The soul not only accepts life,

Both the things that we see as completely positive,

And those that it takes us time to unravel the light and the gift within them,

But the part of the mind,

The ego,

That does not want to accept reality,

That wants to sit in a silly way,

Fight this reality that is happening to me.

Don't be happy.

Don't accept this.

Again,

Small things and big things.

The ultimate state of being,

Our soul,

Is to experience every moment of reality and see the light and the joy in it.

That thought that comes so often,

Again,

When big things happen,

When small things happen,

That convince you in buying into the argument that this is upsetting,

This shouldn't be happening,

You should be upset because of this,

That is all pure of the ego.

And to the degree that you develop and are able to take control of that ego,

To separate yourself from that voice,

You will see that you begin living and accepting reality in a much more beautiful and powerful way.

I love that.

There's something called hindsight bias.

Have you heard of it?

Yes.

I think you mentioned one of the previous podcasts.

Oh,

Should I have said no?

I'm not sure.

I listened to you.

Did I say it in a previous podcast?

You always say it's.

.

.

Actually,

No.

You know why I heard it?

You were talking to one of our children about it.

I was talking to David about it.

Yeah,

Exactly.

Yeah,

I didn't say it in a podcast.

So it's a tricky way our ego.

.

.

Yeah,

I was definitely David.

I was talking to.

.

.

Yeah.

High-insight bias is a tricky way our ego tries to tell us that we're in control and we're simply not.

And I think that we all tend to feel the need to have safety and certainty.

And a lot of that is surrounded by control.

But really,

That is just ego as well.

And so.

.

.

Like I said,

The ego does not want to accept reality.

Also,

It does not.

Right.

And it also wants to be the smartest being.

There's just no room,

Right?

Like that surface space you're speaking about,

There's no room to breathe at all.

Ego has.

.

.

It's like tight holding onto these reins,

Right?

Reins of control.

So as a result,

We bypass real opportunity for growth and change because everything is growth and change.

And ego is the one thing that really also keeps us stunted in that process.

So psychologists Neil Rose and Kathleen Voss from the University of Minnesota found three types of hindsight bias.

And I think it's worth mentioning because these are such little ways that we get tripped up every day.

The first is called memory distortion,

Which is basically I said it would happen.

So imagine that I'll give you a silly example.

Let's say you submitted a poem to a poetry journal and you're waiting for them to respond if they liked it or not.

You're really doubtful.

You're going back and forth.

My chances of getting published are slim to none.

This is what's going on in your head,

Right?

Ego.

All ego.

And then the letter arrives and your poem's been accepted.

Wow.

And what you then do is you confidently assert yourself that you knew it would happen,

But in reality you didn't know what happened.

You sidestep your initial vulnerability and covered up with overblown experience of confidence,

Which is known as ego.

So you don't learn for the next time you're going to sit in something,

Right?

There's no growth here.

It's like suddenly you stop,

You've stopped the vulnerability.

I knew it was all along.

It was going to be that way.

When in fact you had no idea and really you have no idea.

The second is called inevitability.

In other words,

It had to happen.

So let's say you spent five years in a relationship and now at this point it started to challenge you to grow in ways that were uncomfortable.

So you decided to break up with a person instead of acknowledging the ways you could have changed right to learn things for a future relationship or even to have closure on this relationship.

You simply state it would have ended anyway.

Right?

So again,

You stop this process.

You ignore the difficult and important lesson the relationship is bringing you in favor of staying comfortable.

The ego loves to be comfortable.

And like you said,

It's such an important point.

And I'm worried where we gloss over some of these really important points.

The ego doesn't want to learn.

No,

It's the smartest one.

Exactly.

And in relationships so often,

Again,

Because we often rightfully say,

Well,

Oh,

Well,

He or she did this and this.

This is why I'm breaking up.

And that might be a hundred percent true.

Nobody's perfect.

And I'm sure the partner you're breaking up with did a lot of things you shouldn't have done.

But what are you learning from it?

What are you learning from it?

And the ego.

And that's,

Again,

Another way to start catching ourselves.

Next time you're so sure when a relationship ends or even in a relationship that you're right.

By the way,

None of us are ever 100 percent right.

Stop and say,

What's it?

If I'm thinking that I'm completely right and there's nothing for me to learn,

I'm in the clutches of the ego.

Let me find something small to learn.

The ego doesn't want to learn.

This is another great tool.

Right?

How do we catch the ego?

This is one great way.

In fact,

I always say that's the third party.

We said it's the fourth,

But in a couple in a relationship and there's a whole chapter called Me,

Myself and I,

I,

I,

I,

I and Rethink Love because it needed its own chapter on how that really harms relationships.

You said I say four because I said that's the third party in the relationship.

And you said,

Well,

No,

It's me,

Myself and his and her ego.

I was just using ego.

But I think that mine was sexier the way I said it.

And the third one is foreseeability,

Which is I knew it would happen.

So let's say you're boarding a flight,

You're feeling anxious because you have an unexpressed fear of flying.

You try to compose yourself throughout the flight.

But once you hit the first patch of turbulence,

You say to yourself,

I just knew this would happen when in reality you didn't know anything.

Instead,

Use this form of hindsight bias to cement your fear as fact.

That's how you're using it.

Never confronting it because you choose to believe that your fear is actually a supernatural ability that you have to predict the future,

Which again,

Supernatural ability is ego.

Do you mind?

This is completely off topic when I think our listeners might enjoy this story because we're talking about I know you're going to go with this seriously.

So tell this story without without the curse.

You don't tell the story.

Well,

It's just funny.

I know you tell it.

I'll I'll fill in the blank.

No,

No,

You tell it much better.

So we're on a flight with a couple and that we were very close with.

And it was a chartered flight that they had arranged from Los Angeles to Las Vegas.

And they do want to come with us.

And,

You know,

We'll just go for the night.

It was like something we would never do.

Very sexy,

Very fun.

So we said,

Sure.

It was the first time we flew with them.

We got on the flight and we didn't know that she was scared of flying.

No,

We did not.

And but but to her to her credit,

It was a very,

Very turbulent flight,

Like very next thing I know.

And we're like holding on.

I mean,

We're literally like bouncing.

It's just the four of us on this flight.

And she's like,

Oh,

My God,

I don't want to die.

And I'm thinking myself.

Everybody wants to die here.

What are you doing?

Just on and on.

And honestly,

I mean,

At that point,

We just had to laugh because it was so uncomfortable that if we actually entertained where she was going,

I think we would have all gotten very nervous.

And we survived that flight.

We did.

And we had a great night.

We flew back home.

But sorry,

Listeners.

Going off topic.

I just thought it was an entertaining story.

So the ego wants to feel in control.

The ego wants to know everything and wants everything to make sense.

Right.

Like the lady that yelled at you.

You can't sometimes just can't make sense of things.

And true,

Things just don't make sense sometimes when we find ourselves falling into one of these three types of bias.

It's a hint that our ego is running the show.

And the only way to combat this is to challenge those few thoughts.

Absolutely.

And I know this.

You know,

We're not talking about focus on relationships in this podcast,

But the reality is almost all and Monica backing up on this,

You know,

A lot more about relationships than I.

Almost all the problems that arise in relationship can be tracked back to the ego.

The more the lack of vulnerability or even the lack of desire to become more vulnerable,

The lack of desire to change,

To learn,

To grow,

To admit mistakes.

You can look back at the last argument you had with a person you love,

Your spouse,

Your child.

You'll see that if not completely,

A big part of that argument was brought upon by the ego.

And,

You know,

When I think about the ego,

There's a very good friend of mine that almost,

And we've been friends for probably almost 15 years now,

Almost all of our conversations revolve around the ego because I remember when we,

When he first started understanding really the unfortunate and great place that the ego has in our lives,

He realized how important it was to really do this battle.

And I remember we had this conversation once and he said,

You know,

Why don't we just take like a day or a few days and do things that will embarrass us so much to help diminish the ego?

Because in this battle you try every trick that you can.

And it was really,

You know,

It was an interesting thought process,

Right?

I don't recommend this for our listeners,

But that thought is an important thought for all of us to have.

If.

.

.

You want to go out and make fun of ourselves?

That's good.

We can do that.

We can do that.

But I want to share a story that,

That I think is a beautiful illustration,

Both of the ego and how one great spiritual teacher overcame it.

I know,

I love the story.

I know what story you're going to tell.

Yeah,

It's one of my favorite stories.

So this goes back about 250 years ago.

There was a great Kabbalist.

His name was Zusha and Zusha was unique in many ways.

And the story goes like this.

He had a teacher.

His teacher was named,

That was the Magid.

And one day a man from a nearby town came to Mezrich,

Which was the town where the teacher,

The Magid lived.

And he said to him,

You know,

I've heard your teachings and I've met so many of your students and I was impressed.

But I have to tell you that something happened about a month ago that very much upset me.

It had to do with one of your students.

And I can't understand.

I cannot imagine that you would consider somebody who behaves in this way as your student.

So the Magid,

The master says,

Okay,

Tell me what happened.

Maybe I can either help you understand it or at least,

You know,

I can talk to my students.

He says,

Do you have a student named Zusha?

The Magid says,

Yes,

Yes,

Yes.

A beautiful man.

What happened?

He says,

Well,

Let me tell you what happened.

About a month ago,

There was a wedding that was about to take place in our town.

And as was the custom in those days,

There was a dowry that was raised.

And right before the wedding was meant to take place on the day of the wedding,

All the money of the dowry was lost.

And all the townspeople were ready to come together for the wedding.

The family,

The bride and the groom started arguing and they really came to a point where they weren't going to allow the wedding to continue until the dowry was found or some replacement and so on and so forth.

So everybody in town starts searching up and down.

Where can this money be?

We'll say it was around 50,

000 rubles at the time.

So and everybody wants to find the money because they want to give it to the family so that the wedding can progress.

And suddenly your student,

Zusha,

Walks into the hall and everybody's there,

The family's upset,

Anxious.

And he says,

I think I found the dowry.

And everybody's so excited.

And he says,

But I want to make sure that the money that I found is actually the dowry.

Tell me exactly the denominations of the money.

You know,

How many hundreds,

How many fifties and so on.

And they tell them exactly.

He says,

Yeah,

I think I found your money.

Let me go back to my motel and I'll bring you back the money.

He comes back about 20 minutes later and he's about to give over the money to the family.

So the wedding can go on and all the townspeople can enjoy the festivities.

And he said,

But one second before I give you the money,

I want 30% finder's fee.

And everybody looks at him.

What kind of crazy person would ask for 30% finder's fee?

And he knows,

Obviously,

Everybody's waiting for this money to get the wedding going.

How dare you?

So the families of the bride and groom,

They jump on him.

They start grabbing away the money.

They grab away the money and they start beating him up.

And they literally throw him out of town,

Throw him out of town.

The man from that town now turns to the teacher to master.

He says,

This is a student of yours.

How dare he behave in this way if he's really a student of yours?

And the magid says,

You know,

I know Zusha.

There must be something else to this story.

Let me call him in and maybe he'll be able to explain to us what happened.

And the visitor says,

Sure,

Sure.

I'd love to hear if there's another side to the story.

He doesn't believe,

Of course,

That there is.

And the magid,

The master,

Calls in Zusha.

He says,

Zusha,

This man is from this next door town.

And he told me of a story that happened about a month ago where there was this missing dowry.

And you found the dowry and you asked for 30% finder's fee.

Zusha,

Tell me what really happened.

And Zusha's all embarrassed.

He turns red and he says to his master,

He says,

Please,

Please don't ask me to tell the story.

And the master says,

No,

I think it's really important.

Even if it brings you some discomfort,

I really ask you to tell me what happened.

So Zusha has no choice.

Of course,

His teacher,

His master is telling him to tell the story.

He tells the following story.

He says,

My daughter's wedding is coming up.

And Zusha did not have a lot of money.

He lived a very poor life for most of his life.

And in preparing for my daughter's wedding,

I needed to raise money,

Dowry and to pay for the wedding.

And I needed 50,

000 rubles.

So I set out for about six months traveling from one town to the other,

Asking for money,

Begging for money,

Raising money.

And finally,

After six months,

I was able to raise 50,

000 rubles.

And as I'm coming back home after my six month journey,

Raising the funds for my daughter's dowry and wedding,

I come to this town and I hear that they lost their dowry and it was 50,

000 rubles.

And I start saying to myself,

You know,

What is life about?

Life,

Of course,

I want my daughter to have the most amazing wedding,

But as a spiritual person and being,

I know that if I can share and bring joy to these families and these people in this time,

It's probably the right decision.

And again,

For most of us,

I don't imagine we would even make that decision,

But he says that's the decision that I made.

So I went into the hall and I asked them,

You know,

About the denominations of the money because I wanted to make sure that the money that I had,

I was able to exchange it to the same denomination.

So they think that the money that they lost is the money that I had.

And they tell me the exact denominations.

I go back to my room,

I get my 50,

000 rubles.

I go to the money changer so he can give me the exact denominations.

And as I'm walking to the money changer and it gets even worse after I leave the money changer,

I started hearing my ego saying,

Zusha,

Who in the world would do this?

Who in the world would share in such a way?

What an amazing,

Amazing person,

You know,

Bringing my ego greater and greater and greater and every step that I took and feel that ego inside of me growing and growing.

And I realized that while this is an amazing action of sharing,

My ego was going to overtake me and it would almost destroy me spiritually.

So I had to devise a way where I would share the money,

But also destroy my ego.

And therefore I asked for the finders fee knowing that they were not going to give it and knowing they were going to be upset at me and knowing they were going to kick me out of town so that at least I was able to share,

But not allow my ego to grow.

And this,

Of course,

You know,

Often I think it's important to hear the stories of these great masters,

Not because we're expected to live exactly in that way,

But at least begin to get a vision of what the ultimate state of this battle with the ego is.

And which brings me back to my friend,

Which we often discuss this,

That especially for Monica and I and the position that we're in,

You know,

People look at us and the reality is what's the ultimate state of spiritual being?

Like we said before,

We could not care less what anybody thinks about you.

And as a matter of fact,

It reminds me of something that I read about my father's teacher,

Ralph Brandwein,

In about 1962,

I think it was,

He sat down for an interview with a very big newspaper and the journalist writes in the beginning of the piece,

Something so beautiful.

And again,

Something I think we all need to strive for.

He said,

I realized as I sat down with Ralph Brandwein,

Who was my father's teacher,

That he could not care less whether I wrote the best things about him or I wrote the worst things about him.

And that's really what we're talking about.

And that's freedom.

And that's at least striving towards that and daily finding the silly places that the ego is overtaking us.

Because you want to be happy.

You want to live with the complete revelation of your true self,

Your light,

Your fulfillment,

Your joy.

And every second,

Battle the silly ego.

Every moment that you catch it and catch it and think about it more and more.

That excites me so much when I hear you say that.

And I've heard that story before.

But to get to the point where you are so free from other people's opinions,

Beliefs.

I mean,

That's the ultimate.

It reminds me of,

You know,

I love David Foster Wallace.

He's one of my favorite authors.

Tragically,

He did commit suicide.

And I remember once somebody wrote to me like,

How could you quote him?

He ended up killing himself.

But I just think that he lost the battle.

You know,

He obviously had demons.

We all struggle.

But I still find what what he wrote and his work to be really profound.

So in his 2005 commencement speech to graduates,

It can encourage.

Judgment is also the ego.

Anytime you feel judgment towards another person.

Actually,

When that person wrote to me,

I was like,

I'm going to quote him like every day this week.

And it doesn't mean that you're saying that he's the most everything.

But nobody does everything right.

We're all in a process.

We're all living here.

If everybody is perfect,

We cease to exist.

Right.

So what's that's the thing.

I think we hold each other such standards that leaves no room for error,

Mistake or failing.

And again,

The ego doesn't want to learn.

So what does it often do?

Say,

Oh,

Don't learn from this person.

He's this,

This and that.

And that might be 100 percent true.

But at the end of the day,

If I can learn from him,

Learn from everybody.

Exactly.

So he in a speech,

He reflected on what true freedom really is.

And he said,

It's not what we have been bred to believe,

Which right away I find to be very sexy.

Right.

He said,

But of course,

There are all different kinds of freedom and the kind that is most precious.

You will not hear much talked about in the great outside world of winning and achieving and displaying.

The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline and effort and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in a myriad,

Petty,

Little unsexy ways every day.

That is real freedom.

True freedom means freedom from,

As he puts it,

Worship.

When we worship things outside of ourselves and nobody likes that word,

By the way,

That's what I like that he used it.

Let's say it again,

When we worship things outside of ourselves,

The job,

The car,

Physical beauty,

Power,

We create chaos in ourselves and the world.

To worship these things means to be stuck in a continuous loop of lack mentality.

It means to live life unconsciously.

If you worship money and things,

If they are where you tap real meaning in life,

Then you will never have enough.

You'll never feel enough.

It's the truth.

Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly.

And when time and age start showing,

You will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you.

On one level,

We all know this stuff already.

It's been codified as myths,

Proverbs,

Cliches,

Epigrams,

Parables,

The skeleton of every great story.

The whole trick is keeping the truth upfront in daily consciousness.

I can never get tired of reading that.

I love,

I love that.

I think it just says it all.

That is so beautiful.

It just really,

I think,

Encapsulates so beautifully everything we've spoken about until now.

We all unfortunately still worship.

The question is how,

To what degree,

Are we diminishing that force of the ego?

Especially because we know,

Unfortunately,

So many people who really put stock in things that are external to them.

Like he said,

As we age,

There are certain things that the ego built up and those will not last.

The soul,

The light of us lasts forever.

And the more focused we are on the true part of us,

As opposed to the other,

The voice,

The ego,

The desire to receive for the self alone,

The more we are focused on that,

It steals us from the joy,

The fulfillment.

It blocks our ability to experience the great light and lessons that exist in this moment and from revealing our great potential.

So I have like another five things to say about ego.

I think that we will devote another episode to this.

That's a great idea.

That's a great idea.

What I would like to leave our listeners with,

And I'm a big fan of homework because I think in the moment we could say,

Wow,

I feel really inspired.

I want to change this and that.

But unless you assign time and devote time to actually doing these things,

It's just going to be a nice thing that you heard and it's not going to actually change anything.

And I would say probably of all the topics we've covered so far,

This is the one that I don't see the most important,

But but the one that is most likely to to be forgotten because the ego does not want you to remember this.

The ego is probably going to put us down or in some level or another.

So this week,

Ask yourself these questions.

What holds you back from treating those around you with respect,

Dignity and compassion?

And you're not even like I didn't I they deserve it,

But really just be in the space of your essence and not of the other when answering these questions.

The next question is what reinforces the idea that we are separate from each other?

The next question is what baits us into thinking the worst about others?

And what is it that inspires blame,

Judgment and withholding within us?

And I would even pick a person that you have an issue with or that keeps making you feel a certain way and brings up these feelings and then ask these questions with that in mind.

And remember that our choices are either guided by our light,

Our essence,

Our ego.

Every moment we're either choosing ego,

Which is the desire to receive the self alone,

Or we're choosing to give,

Which is the desire to receive in order to share.

So important.

And I know hopefully we'll have the opportunity next week to share more and go more deeply into this.

But I think what you just said is so important,

Especially in our world today.

Every time that we think or that others think that I am separate from you or that I deserve more than you,

All the thoughts of looking down at the other,

Looking in a negative way at the other,

Which unfortunately is seems to be coming more and more prevalent in our world.

That is all purely ego driven.

That is listening to that other voice.

And really the reason this topic is so important and the reason I really hope that our listeners,

I say this for myself and for Monica as well,

Really take the time to do this work.

Pay attention to the voices,

The other voice and your true voice,

Because at the core of the world's problems,

Most of them,

Every war,

Every tragedy,

The ego's place is very big there.

And as each one of us individually and our world hopefully collectively understands this and begins diminishing that other voice,

The less pain there will be in our own lives.

And more importantly,

Maybe the less pain and separation and tragedy there will be in our world.

Thank you for joining us.

And again,

Thank you to all of our listeners.

And one of the things which I really am so excited,

We didn't expect really in the first two or three months of our podcast to have so many listeners from the beginning.

And we are very appreciative of every single one of you who is listening,

Every single one of you who's sharing it with their friends.

I mean,

Literally thousands and thousands of people all over the world listening to our podcast.

So I want to thank everybody who listens.

Thank everybody who shares it with their friends.

I ask everybody to continue writing your questions,

Comments,

And sharing with us at MonicaAndMichaelAtKabala.

Com.

And we will again continue to get to more and more of the questions.

Also we will start sharing some of your comments,

Really some beautiful stories that you've shared with us about how that podcast has impacted your life.

Also please write reviews on Apple Podcasts and anywhere that you get your podcast from because that's an opportunity for others again to,

Even if they never heard of this podcast,

To look at the reviews and start listening to the podcast.

So great appreciation for all of you who are listening and sharing our podcast and asking everybody to continue to send in questions and share with us stories about how this podcast has been impacting your life.

We appreciate the opportunity to share this with you and I hope everybody enjoyed this podcast as much as Monica and I enjoyed recording it.

Thank you.

We'll see you next week.

Bye.

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THANK you 🙏 you have been inspirational, sharing in such a raw and beautiful way. Relationships, love, advice on parenting. Especially this topic—-thank you for this. So appreciated