Welcome to the Heal with Alchemy podcast.
I'm Marisa,
Shamanic healer and meditation teacher.
This podcast is for all magical creatures,
Anyone looking to deepen into self-love and spiritual practice.
So join me on a journey to the wisdom of your own heart.
Hello everyone.
Welcome back.
So happy to be here with you.
We're going to get started today with a daily meditation reading by D'Almiguel Ruiz Jr.
From his book,
Living a Life of Awareness.
Living in the past.
Your enjoyment of this present moment can easily be dragged down by the memories of the past.
When you don't release the past,
You drag it around with you.
Everything you see is filtered by where you have been rather than where you are now and where you want to go.
Some of the biggest burdens many people carry resolve around past relationships.
For example,
When you think about our next partner,
Is there a sense of spaciousness and ease or does your belly tighten and your mind begin to race?
Releasing the past takes a willingness to let go of being right or being wronged.
When you wave goodbye to what was with lightness and clarity,
You are then in a better place to create a bright future.
To practice,
Send a mental blessing to your ex-partner,
Ex-spouse,
Ex-boss or ex-landlord.
Think of all the things you are grateful for in that experience and let everything else go.
With awareness,
Let this day be about forgiveness and gratitude.
So today I want to talk about our story and the way that we carry our story,
The power that we give to our story and how the attachment we have to our story can influence our reality in the present moment,
Can influence our relationships and how we show up with others in the world.
And your story ends up feeling like a very safe place for us to be a lot of the time.
Our story can give us reasons or excuses or explanations for why we are the way that we are.
I love that we all have a story.
I think our story is really important.
But I found for myself that I was giving my story a lot of power and it was keeping me from growth and it was keeping me from transformation.
It was keeping me from a deeper connection to others and to spirit.
When I first got sober,
I started,
I worked the 12 steps.
I worked a 12 step program and the first step I had to write down all of the unmanageability of my life and how drugs and alcohol affected everything.
My family,
My friends,
My jobs.
My focus was on the drugs and alcohol at first because I was 23 when I got sober.
It's all very new to me.
You might be going,
Well,
You didn't really live a long life,
Right?
But we all know how powerful those first 20 years are and how painful those first 20 years are.
And that's when we make all of these agreements with ourselves about and the world with about about who we are.
You know,
So it's actually a lot happens in that early time.
And when I was making this inventory,
Basically of how drugs and alcohol affected my life,
I was also seeing how how I was showing up in the world and how it was affecting my life and how it was causing harm.
And I became very,
When you work a program and you start to do a lot of self reflection,
You go on a journey of discovering kind of why you are the way you are,
Or at least for me,
That was so fascinating.
And I'd always been interested in psychology and just how our thought processes are developed.
Like even before I got sober,
I was very interested in why we are the way we are why we see the world the way we see it.
And so I became very interested in that type of self discovery in every moment being like,
Why did I react that way?
Or why did I think that way?
Because what the 12 steps offer is this process of self reflection.
You know,
We say that we have a part in all of our resentments,
We have a part in everything.
And our behavior and the way we act and show up in the world,
Usually before we get sober can be pretty harmful.
And so when you're on a journey of recovery,
You're usually you're usually observing yourself so you can make sure that you're not engaging in behaviors that are harmful or 12 step programs like to use the word character defects.
I really don't like that.
Just because I don't think that I understand like what defects of character are,
But I just like to call it like our human experience or wounding,
Right.
But it is those ways that we show up,
You know,
In ways that are painful or harmful to other people.
It could be our anger,
Our shortness of temper,
Our need to control,
It can be the way our anxiety manifests.
You know,
Taking things personally,
Anything like that.
We you know,
We have these things and we're trying to be different.
So and you don't even have to be on a sober journey,
You could just be on your own healing journey and you're trying to do some things differently.
But a part of understanding why we are the way we are is going back and really understanding our story.
And so for the first six or seven,
I told you about the years,
But for the big chunk of my recovery,
I,
You know,
I went back.
I could see my story and I could see why was the way it was.
And what I did with all that information is I was like,
This is good.
I know these things.
So I'm going to take all this information and I kind of imagine putting it in like a huge sack,
Like almost like Santa Claus's bag of gifts.
Like I imagine putting all of my story in that and then I would carry it.
I was carrying it around with me because this is why I am the way I am.
This makes so much sense,
Like,
You know,
This is me.
And then anytime I got into a relationship with someone,
It's like I'd walk in the room and you'd be there and be like,
Hey,
How's it going?
You'd be like,
Hey.
And then I just throw this giant bag of stuff right in between us and kind of like put my hands on my hips and be like,
Cool,
I'm here.
This is why I am the way I am,
Just so you know.
Like I was so proud of all the work I did to figure out why I am the way I am.
And then I would carry all this into relationships.
And sometimes it didn't look that that cheerful and ignorant.
Sometimes it would be especially in my relationships,
My romantic relationships.
Oh my gosh,
Every,
Every part of the last relationship would affect how I interacted or showed up for this next one.
You know,
Because I would make assumptions.
And my story was so powerful,
My experience was so powerful.
So I was coming from my previous experience.
And so and we do that with one another.
If we have abandonment wounds,
Then we're going to show up with hesitation.
If our partner before us cheated on us,
Then we're going to show up most likely afraid of that.
If we were insecure in our last relationship,
Because let's say our partner was controlling or manipulative or didn't like us to speak our voice or that type of feeling or vibe or interaction,
Like somebody who was like subjugating the will,
And then you get into another relationship,
You might come in and secure.
And that other person's like,
Wants to secure you,
But you don't even have an opportunity to show up in that way because you're just afraid that person is going to act like the last person,
Right?
So our story affects us the way we've been treated in our past affects us.
And I had for a very long time my like knowing my story and understanding it was helpful to me.
It really was.
It's like the first part.
It's the first step.
But you,
But we,
I couldn't sit there for years and years and years and years.
There was more to it.
I just didn't know what the second and third step was.
And I had this really profound experience on a retreat because part of being in recovery is sharing your experience,
Strength and hope.
So you know,
Going to meetings and sharing who I was,
What it was like,
What happened and what you know what it's like now.
And even being in recovery,
You know,
We,
I identify as an alcoholic,
Even though I haven't drank for 14 years.
Um,
But as I was on my spiritual journey,
I wasn't questioning my alcoholism because I do believe that I'm bodily and mentally different.
And I do believe that addiction is a disease.
I think it's a disease of the spirit.
Um,
But I also think it's a disease of the body and I just don't have the desire or the need to question it or to fight with it.
I,
I believe that drugs and alcohol blocked me from spirit and that is why I am sober more than anything else today.
Yes,
It is because if I start,
I probably am not going to be able to stop and that I do believe I'm alcoholic,
But really I don't drink today 14 years later because it's going to block me from my connection to the divine.
And but before I had given myself permission to,
To see my recovery in that way,
I was really attached to who I was before.
I was attached to all the horrible things I did or the way that I saw the world.
And I'm just feeling like I was carrying a lot of this regurgitation of these things that I just didn't really think were that important anymore.
Like that wasn't the part of my story that I felt like I wanted to share.
I wanted to be able to identify with other alcoholic,
Especially alcoholic women because I wanted to be able to help them get sober because other women helped me get sober.
But there was more to my story.
And just feeling like I had to kind of share the same things or,
You know,
Just kind of regurgitate this,
This story was,
It was just a lot and I even went as far as when I was,
I don't know how many years sober I was when I got this tattoo on my arm.
It is a Gustavo Dori etching from an old poem called the Rime of the Ancient Mariner,
Which is about this.
This was a very brief version is this Mariner is on a ship in the middle of the sea and there's an ice storm and they're lost and this albatross comes in it.
It guides them out.
And this one Mariner,
Just selfish Mariner decides to shoot the albatross.
And suddenly,
You know,
They're off course again,
And they're not eating or drinking and you know,
Everything's turning for the worse and the ship,
All of his shipmates turn on him and he just made this super selfish choice.
And then death comes this old woman,
The skeleton death comes and plays a game with the sailor,
You know,
She's going to roll the dice for their lives and she rolls the dice for the lives of the sailor and the sailors die and then the Mariner is forced his death,
His punishment is to wear the albatross around his neck and to spend the rest of his life telling people about what happened,
About how selfish he was and what he did.
And oh my God,
I resonated with that in such a positive way when I was,
Because I felt like,
Oh,
That's sobriety.
Like I got a second chance.
A part of my punishment,
Not punishment,
Doesn't feel like a punishment,
But part of,
Part of getting to survive the addiction is going around and telling everybody about what it was like and what I did,
You know,
And then obviously like what happened when it's like now is more positive thing,
But you know,
That was,
I resonated with that so much that I got that etching tattooed on me of death,
Rolling the dice.
And it was just this reminder,
Like you got a second chance.
Um,
So you need to share your story.
So all of that said,
Very important for me to share,
To share my story,
But I had this profound experience along my spiritual practice.
I was on a retreat with the Ruiz family and you know,
We were to eat,
Dom Miguel asked us to write down our story and I was like,
Oh,
I am so tired of this story.
Like this story is,
I was 23 it was,
And I was started drinking when I was 14.
So we're not talking about a huge part of my life and it just feels like my recovery is so much more than that.
My recovery is like step three,
It's finding a spiritual practice.
It's it's how that spiritual practice transformed my life.
Yes.
Recovery and the steps and all of that was a huge part of the foundation,
But there's more here.
Like there's more here and I don't think anyone,
Nobody told me like that I needed to carry the story or how to carry it or I just made the agreement with myself,
You know,
That I had to stay in this place of sharing my sobriety in this really basic way and talk about who I was when I was 20.
And you know,
At this point I've got a lot of sobriety and I don't want to talk about that anymore.
I want to talk about what sobriety gave me.
I want to talk about something different.
And um,
So when Dom Miguel said to write your story down,
I was just like,
I don't need to,
I don't need to do this.
I know what it is.
But I've been carrying it like an albatross around my neck and I've been,
I've been identifying with it for so long and it's just,
I'm done.
I'm done.
So we did this meditation.
Jose Ruiz guided us through this meditation and I was standing there in this room and I just saw my story.
I closed my eyes and I saw my story as just these thousands of energy cords on my back and they were all connected to a different part of my story.
Just everything I'd been to literally up until that moment and I just saw it and I could feel the weight.
I could feel the weight of how I carried all of my beliefs and all of my agreements and everything about who I was and how I use it as excuses or you know,
And I just didn't want to be attached to it anymore.
It would always be a part of me.
It makes me who I am,
But I didn't want to carry it into every single place.
And so this beautiful thing happened where these guides showed up behind me and they kind of like angelic guides and they've never shown up again since it's the first time I saw them and the last time I saw them and they took their hands and they slid them across my back and they cut all of these cords of my story and I just saw thousands of butterflies,
These blue like cosmic glowing butterflies and my whole story was released just energetically from my body and I felt this incredible weightlessness,
This incredible freedom that I could share something different that I could take the albatross off of my neck and I could start my life in this moment and I didn't have to go back and reach into that bag and I didn't have to bring that bag in every relationship that I could treat every single moment as something brand new,
Like a blank canvas and I would show up.
However,
Marisa and that moment was going to show up.
I could release myself and so I made that agreement to do that and a part of making that agreement with myself was realizing that while on a spirit level you can set really big intentions like that and you can release things from your body but on the mind level,
Because the mind is its own thing,
Right?
On the mind level,
I needed to help my mind unlearn these stories.
I needed to go in and see what beliefs and agreements were created from these pivotal moments in my life that affected the way that I showed up in relationship to myself and other people.
So there was some serious work that needed to be done.
It was more than just a meditation and so how I did that was as I tapped into the compassionate observer to help me see my belief systems and agreements and help me to see my story and how it was manifesting still.
How even if I wasn't intentionally carrying it in,
How it was manifesting inside of my interactions in the world.
I could see what stories I was giving a lot of power to and I talked about some of the stories in a couple of the previous episodes.
Those like really intense beliefs and agreements where it's like,
Well,
I'm not,
I'm not intelligent,
But I'm emotionally intelligent.
Like that's a story.
That's a story that I've carried for a really long time.
And when I'm in session with people and I hear them make such a profound declaration about who they are.
Or,
Well,
I don't like that or I don't do that or I'm this,
Whatever it is.
It's really fun to say,
Okay,
Do you really feel that?
Like is that a truth for you or is that a story you've been telling yourself?
Genuine question,
Like not a leading question.
When was the last time you checked in with that story?
And a lot of times,
Most of the time,
It's like,
No,
I don't really believe that at all.
You know,
Or it's like,
Well,
I haven't really thought about it.
And then it's like,
Okay,
We'll close your eyes and let's take a look at it.
Let's see how you really feel about this,
This part of your story,
Because it's blocking you.
It's keeping you from doing something that you really want to do or being something that you really want to be,
You know,
Let's look at the story.
So after we look at the story,
After we figure out like,
Where did this story come from?
You know,
Where,
What agreements did I make?
Who said this thing to me?
Or did I say this to myself or what situation happened that caused so much fear,
Anxiety or trauma?
So I'm now I'm showing up every time like I did when I was 14.
And then we have to ask ourselves,
Okay,
Am I ready to let this go?
Am I ready to give myself a chance to be the person I am in this moment?
If I'm still showing up like the 26 year old with three years sober with the albatross around her neck,
Like really sharing her story,
And then six years sober sharing the same story,
It's like,
Well,
I'm different now.
And then move forward to like 14 years,
And multiple spiritual experiences or different times through the step or working other types of programs or books or whatever retreats,
It's like,
I'm not the same,
You're not the same,
You're not the same today as you were yesterday.
You're really not.
But when you attach to your story,
Then in you carry it and you gather everything.
And I think we do that to keep us safe.
I really think we do that so we can keep ourselves understanding who we are and why we are not feel safe for us.
But imagine a world and where you can let go and start over.
Or you can honor the parts of your life that have made you who you are.
You don't want to spiritually bypass them or ignore them or shove them under the rug.
You want to accept that they exist inside of your life.
But imagine sifting through them and letting go of the ones that are not necessary.
And some are like a complete letting go but most of them is just a shape shift.
Most of them is a shift of perception.
It's creating a new agreement and a new story.
You know,
I'm a person that always had felt and had this story that I was not really smart,
Intelligent smart,
But I was like emotionally smart.
I had that story for a really long time.
Today I've created a new definition of what it means to be intelligent.
And I believe that I am smart enough.
Like that's a way of honoring our old story without like pretending it doesn't exist but not living inside of it anymore.
So the invitation today is to kind of look at your story and how attached are you to your story.
No judgment.
No judgment from the compassionate observer but how attached are you to your story.
Are you carrying it like a bag.
Are you wearing an albatross around your neck.
So many people struggle with shame in their life.
All of the things that we might have done to hurt someone else and we do use it as an albatross and we throw that thing around our neck and we carry it.
We carry it because we feel like we have to.
That's part of our that's part of like our karma or suffering.
We screwed up and it's so hard to forgive ourselves for certain things.
It's very difficult especially if like maybe you haven't been the best parent that you want to be the best partner the best son or daughter like when it comes to those really important relationships it can be really hard to feel like we have the right to let go of those things especially if someone else is still feeling hurt by it but it's not serving us and it's not serving anyone else if we're carrying it.
We can acknowledge our wrongs in the way that we've hurt people and we can make a living amends we can make a living amends by not engaging in that behavior anymore.
We can make an actual amends when that comes from a real genuine place of feeling sorry for something and wanting to apologize and not expecting any type of forgiveness or reaction but forgiving ourselves is a huge step and and releasing the power of our story.
It's a huge step.
And asking for forgiveness is a huge step and it's just a part of the process for us.
You do deserve to forgive yourself for whatever it is you're carrying and holding on to and I've had some stuff that it's taken years for me to really really forgive myself.
I did the rituals and the burning bowls and the the step work and the things that I would say I forgive myself but I hadn't for certain things and it took a long time.
So let's be real here.
It's not easy.
It's not easy but I do believe that we are all deserving of that.
I believe everyone has the ability to transform and change when someone tells me oh they're not going to change.
I think OK well maybe they won't but most people have a choice.
Most people have a choice but for some people it's a lot harder because they might be plagued with mental illness or trauma and narcissism issues that come from a lot of abuse.
And it can be that there are people that just that's not their journey on this lifetime is just to transform and change.
But I do believe that everyone can.
That that opportunity is there.
And that no matter what there are little things tiny changes in ways that people can transform.
But when we hang on to our past and our story really tightly it's hard to give ourselves permission.
This is who I am.
This is who I am.
It's who I've always been.
I don't know.
It's just who I am.
I used to say that all of the time.
All the time.
It's just who I am.
That's great.
Marisa.
That's great.
But that's just an excuse to not change or to not look at it for me.
I don't want to speak for anyone else but for me.
I was afraid that I couldn't change.
I was afraid that I couldn't be different or better.
And I was upset at myself and I was ashamed for whatever it was I was being that people were calling me out on.
Take so much courage and bravery.
And it takes a lot of self love to forgive yourself and to believe that you could be different and show up different in the world and in your relationships.
This isn't easy stuff here.
This is not like this is hard.
This isn't just like a fancy idea or some you know poem that you put on a wall on your wall in a frame.
Love yourself.
It's like you know this is hard.
This is really hard.
So what's the attachment.
You know with compassion can I look and see these places in my life I've made these really strong agreements about who I am in my story.
You know I have gone one step further in carrying that story into every single one of my interactions in the world.
And can I sift through that bag and just pick one thing that I feel like I have the courage the strength the willingness probably first to change.
What do I want to stop carrying with me.
What is there a story I want to stop telling people.
I remember before like in early recovery you know processing was important.
So if something happened call your sponsor.
So I would call my sponsor and then I'd call another friend and another friend and another friend I tell 10 friends the story of what just happened.
And it's like I don't need to tell 10 people today.
I don't.
I can tell my sponsor my therapist a good friend.
You know when it's something big I will tell all because I got a process that's part of my recovery.
I have to process.
That's what I was taught.
But I don't need to carry it into 10 different people.
I don't need because at that point I'm not looking for a solution.
I'm just focused on the story and I just want to say it.
I just want to say the thing I'm attached to it.
So get into your story bag and just see is there one thing that you feel like gosh you know I'm I don't want I don't want to bring this in anymore.
I'd like to change it.
I want to take away its power.
And who am I today.
That was that was the writing I did when Don Miguel said write down your story.
I just started writing down who I was today in this moment and all of the things I was like I am spiritual.
I am jealous.
I am angry.
I flip people off when I drive sometimes.
I'm loving.
I'm kind.
It was all the stuff right.
No good no bad no character defects or versus assets.
It was just who am I today in this moment.
And it was honoring that woman like a woman who had been in recovery for this long had been of service for this long had taken courses and classes like who am I now.
I can honor who I was.
I can take the medicine from the parts of who I was.
But today I'm someone different.
And every day I have an opportunity to create my reality in the way that I see the world in the way that I show up.
And if I don't bring this big old bag with me then I can just be present and I can have a new experience.
And it's hard.
And there's going to be some relationships in your life where it's going to be a lot harder probably with the people you love the most and that you're closest with.
I just have gone in like a deep journey of realizing how much of my story is affecting my current relationship.
And a lot of layers were peeled the onion as we say in recovery more will be revealed.
Well a lot was revealed to me.
You know but that's just where I am.
And now I got to heal those pieces and realize I was carrying my story even though I didn't think I was.
I was carrying it still.
You know I stopped at the point where I understood OK well this is because of my dad and this is because of this.
And I stopped.
I didn't do the next step.
I didn't do the next step which was unlearning the story and choosing a new agreement.
So there's a solution to this.
I invite you to read the four agreements and to read the fifth agreement and the mastery of love and the books by the Ruiz family because I feel like it's a practice and he even has a book a four agreements companion book which I never worked that book because I sort of just I sort of just intuitively went on a journey of unlearning my beliefs but he wrote he has this companion book that's really great.
And you can start looking at your story and you can start releasing and unlearning it and actually I think he came out with another book very recently.
Don Miguel Ruiz senior and it's all about our story and I'm sorry I don't remember what it's called in this moment.
But you know get just you can do this on your own or with a book or whatever.
But the invitation is just to check it out.
Right.
And to have compassion and for ourselves and awareness and observation in a gentle not obsessive way.
And then you can work on your story with someone you can work on it with a friend you can work on it with a therapist or your sponsor or a healer in a workshop or out on a retreat.
But it's just knowing that you have the power to let it go and to change the way you feel and to be free from these really hurtful things that happen in your life.
You know we want to honor our experience not shove it under the rug but it doesn't need to control our reality.
So that's my invitation for you.
I'd love to hear how it goes.
Never hesitate to send me an email or message on Instagram because if you are listening in and you're you know considering doing these practices and these suggestions it's really nice to have some support in that.
And I'm here for you for that.
So have a wonderful week.
Enjoy being with yourself loving yourself being patient with yourself and if you need anything you know where to find me.
Head to healwithalchemy.
Com to learn more about one on one healing.
Our Sisters of the Moon Women's Circle and the free self-love series.
Want to dive deeper into your practice of returning to the other realm?
Check out my meditation and magic subscription on Patreon.
Just click the Digital Cauldron bubble at the top of my website.
I'll see you in the next video.
