How to build a mindful and loving relationship in parashat Ki Tavo.
In this week's Torah portion,
Ki Tavo,
We learn about the covenant between God and the children of Israel.
It says,
You have affirmed God this day to be your God,
And you will walk in His ways and keep His statues and commandments.
And God has affirmed as He promised you,
His treasure,
Who shall keep His commandments.
The word in Hebrew for affirmed is he'malta,
Which is attributed to both God and the people.
According to Rabbi Jonathan Sacks,
The covenant is a mutual bond of love on both sides to be faithful and cherish one another.
Our commentators have different opinions as to the meaning of this verb.
Rashi says it means chosen,
Radak says it means betrothed,
And Chiskuni says it means unique.
Whatever the meaning,
Language is deliberate in the Torah,
And the fact that both God and the Jewish people affirm their relationship shows the duality and reciprocity in their connection.
There is a mutual bond of love.
This example of mutual love can be used in human relationships as well.
A loving relationship is a very important value in Judaism and is referred to in many places in the Torah.
As Yeshiva University Rabbi Tzvi Sobolowski wrote,
The relationship between Hashem and the Jewish people is a model for a loving relationship,
And we can derive an important lesson from the words of the commitment,
Nishma vena'aseh,
We will hear and we will do,
That brought this relationship into existence.
The Jewish people were not aware of all the details of Torah life before committing to its observance.
All that was necessary was the trust in God and commitment of the Jewish people that as the relationship progressed,
They would learn more about God and his Torah and would want to observe all of its laws.
In addition,
The holiday of Shavuot placed more of an emphasis on trust and commitment than on the knowledge of all the details.
That knowledge would eventually come in time.
In a growing relationship with a potential spouse,
It's not realistic to focus on every possible detail about the other person.
More emphasis should be on general personality traits,
Compatibility and mutual trust.
As events unfold,
A relationship built on trust and commitment will be able to sustain life's challenges.
In our approach to our spouse's shortcomings,
We should emulate God's patience and willingness to overlook our flaws.
Nobody is perfect,
And those who constantly focus on others' imperfections will never be happy.
So how can we put these ideas into practice?
Here are a few ways that the practice and attitudes of mindfulness can help us be more open to love,
Introspection and growth in all of our relationships.
Number one,
Mindfulness helps us be more present and attentive.
It can help us notice when we're on autopilot and redirect our attention to whatever our partner is saying or to whatever they're feeling.
This builds intimacy and makes our relationships happier and more connected.
When you're mindful of the love in your life,
You open yourself up to the opportunity for love to grow,
And not just romantic love,
Self-love and loving friendships as well.
Number two,
Mindfulness improves emotional regulation.
So even when we do start to lose it or walk away from our partner when we're in the middle of an argument,
We're able to say,
This isn't helpful and stop ourselves from going down a negative spiral in our relationship.
Number three,
Be interested in the other person.
One of the essential attitudes of mindfulness is curiosity.
We can bring this into our relationships to foster warmth and trust.
Our minds often tell us that we know someone so well that we can predict their behaviors and responses.
While this might be true some of the time,
It stops us from clearly seeing the person in front of us.
Instead,
We might see our idea of the person.
So see if you can be open,
Curious and interested in those close to you,
As if you're getting to know them for the first time.
You might be surprised by what you find.
Number four,
Mindfulness makes us more compassionate and kind.
People like to be around others who are kind because they feel cared about and safe.
When we practice kindness,
Not only do we feel better,
But we help others feel good too.
And this increases opportunities for positive connections throughout a day,
Which in turn contributes to our own health and well-being.
Number five,
Practice mindful listening.
There's a difference between hearing someone and actively listening to them.
The next time you're having a face-to-face conversation,
Notice the posture and body language of the other person.
See if it's possible to put aside your own response while listening to them speak.
Some of us who believe in or promote the benefits of mindfulness have a way of proselytizing in our attempts to raise awareness about the practice.
It's great for me,
We think.
It must be good for you.
And boy,
Are you missing out.
Being excited about mindfulness is great,
But when we get too pushy about it,
Our intimate relationships,
Especially with our partners and spouses,
It can cause friction.
Let go of the hope that he or she might one day get into mindfulness as much as you are.
When you let go,
A new world of deeper connection and love awaits.
Let's try this couple's meditation by Tara Brach,
Psychologist and meditation teacher.
It's called a 10-minute meditation on love connection.
Tara Brach and her husband,
Meditation teacher Jonathan Faust,
Have developed a regular practice for keeping the lines of communication open and maintaining a loving connection.
They engage in this practice a couple times a week.
Here's how Tara suggests going about it.
The first is begin by sitting silently together for about 10 minutes or as much as time allows.
The next step,
Take turns telling each other what you're grateful for,
What's enlivening your heart of present.
This is called gladdening the heart and serves as a good way to open the channel of communication.
Number three,
Take turns naming any particular challenges you're dealing with that are currently causing you stress.
These are difficulties you're facing apart from your relationship.
Next,
Deepen your inquiry by taking turns noting anything that might be restricting the sense of love and openness you feel toward your partner.
First,
You might ask yourself,
What's preventing me from feeling open-hearted and intimate with my partner?
This could be a very sticky part of the practice and also rewarding.
Naming difficult truths is the best way to bring more love and understanding into a relationship.
For example,
Tara Brach says,
There are times when I get busy and he takes on a larger portion of the household responsibilities and sometimes ends up feeling unappreciated and I need to be reminded to express my appreciation.
When we acknowledge what could cause resentment if left unsaid,
It brings us closer.
But for this step to be productive,
It's essential for both partners to practice speaking and listening from a place of vulnerability without blaming the other person.
I'll say that again without blaming the other person.
And finally,
Enjoy some moments of silent appreciation together.
Ideally,
Maybe a long and tender hug and hug like you mean it.
Few things feel better than a good hug.
Science shows that hugging can reduce blood pressure and reduce anxiety.
Lunch is also a primary way that we communicate and feel safe,
Soothe our nervous systems,
Trust one another and convey love and compassion.
We all want happier relationships,
But rather than focusing energy on complaining or trying to change your partner,
Take up a mindfulness practice.
Even better,
Take a mindfulness course together if it interests both of you.
This will help you be more present,
Loving and build your own mutual bond.
Thanks for joining me and please tune in next week.
