Can You Apologize? A Mindful Inquiry

Apologizing is such a challenging skill that the Buddha himself said that learning how to do it well is “THE essential factor in achieving purity in thought, word, and deed.” This new talk explores how we can use our mindfulness practice to become better at this, and also how we can better discern whether we are either receiving or giving a real apology - or not. It includes a 15-minute meditation at the end.

Transcript

Then it starts message time.

You're going to also notice,

The notification,

On the word forammad,

A dose of Tiff and Lunch,

When the in countries where unfortunately foroker So I've been wanting to offer a talk on the topic of apology for a really long time now and share some of the teachings on this rich and difficult and also very rewarding skill.

But before I begin,

I thought I would just ask a few questions for you to consider and we'll circle around to these later in a meditation practice that I'd like to offer.

But to begin,

I just want you to consider if you can remember a time maybe when you shared with someone that you felt hurt in some way.

And instead of receiving maybe what you would expect would be an expression of remorse,

You either received no apology at all or maybe worse,

You received a response that left you feeling worse than the original harm.

So just think about that for a moment when you shared that you were hurt with someone and what you received.

And if you've ever experienced this,

Another question you might consider is what happened to the quality of your relationship with that person or maybe people who in some way harmed you?

What happened to the relationship?

For instance,

You might consider what happened to the state of your heart in regards to how you felt or maybe still feel a bit about that person.

Just take a moment to consider this question about the state of your heart in regards to how you feel or maybe how you felt about that person.

Another question that you might consider is have you ever received or maybe ever given a really good apology?

So maybe it was an apology that was so sincere and vulnerable and genuine that it actually served to deepen your connection and relationship with that person or people that you had harmed in some way.

Can you remember when you may have either received or given one of these apologies and how that felt?

So just in this past year,

I've experienced all three of these types of apologies.

Earlier this year,

I felt really blessed to be able to finally courageously express my disappointment with someone who I really admire and respect and her ability to really listen to me and then apologize was so genuine and compassionate that I ended up feeling even closer to her,

Even more connected to her.

I also recently ended up giving what I felt was a necessary apology to a dear student of mine and I ended up again feeling even more connected to her for having given it.

It just really it felt so good to really listen closely to her response and then to offer my sincere remorse and confess that I was truly sorry and that I would commit to doing better in the future.

And honestly,

It was such a gift because I learned so much from the experience and I was so grateful for the chance to come up with different ways that I could try to avoid creating the same kind of hurt in the future with other students.

It's a blessing.

On the other hand,

About six months ago now,

I was given what I feel was probably in my recollection the very worst and most damaging non-apology apology that I have ever received in my lifetime and that's been almost 60 years now.

It was just absolutely awful and it ended up making me feel so much worse than even the original transgression which honestly was pretty bad.

And instead of offering any remorse,

Responsibility or understanding for a situation that caused both me and many others a lot of very unnecessary stress,

What I received was several painful pages of defensiveness and blame shifting,

Rationalization,

Minimizing,

Guilt,

Shame,

Deflection and then actual insult just to top it off.

All of which was passed off as an apology.

And sadly,

After I'd received it,

I truly could not see any way forward with the relationship mainly because my trust had been completely shattered and because there was no indication from this person that they were willing to take on any responsibility or repair any of the damage that had been done.

It was an incredibly difficult decision and it was also heartbreaking honestly because it was truly the very last thing that I had ever expected or wanted to do.

And tragically,

The truth is that all this other person needed to say was so simple and might have sounded something like,

I'm truly sorry for what happened and for my part in it.

Yes,

It really was awful and I promise that it won't ever happen again.

And quite honestly,

Just those few short sentences would have covered it for me and I could have moved on and forgiven the situation and continued on with the relationship because when it came right down to it for the most part,

I just wanted what most people who are harmed want,

Which is to be heard.

Having said that,

I also want to deeply acknowledge that as we all know,

Apologizing can often be extremely challenging and complicated and it can often take a lot of time and hard work and a kind of ongoing negotiation between the parties before there can be any real healing.

And what is also true is that so much of the time,

It really is just as simple as saying,

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry.

As the writer Dodinsky tells us,

The best apology is simply admitting your mistake.

I'm going to read that again because it's so true.

The best apology is simply admitting your mistake.

The second part of that quote is about the worst apology,

Which he describes as quote,

Dressing up your mistake with rationalizations to make it look like you were not really wrong,

Just misunderstood.

Right?

So while the fallout from that whole situation has not been a lot of fun,

Going through the experience actually encouraged me to start looking deeper into the topic of apology,

Which included buying several really great books on the topic.

And also,

Of course,

Diving deeply into what the Buddha had to say about all this,

Some of which I'd like to share with you during this talk.

Another great unexpected benefit was that happily during my research,

I came across a little treasure trove of non-apology apologies that were written by children.

And these were so fun to read,

I wanted to share a few of them with you.

You might even try to imagine these.

Most of them are scrawled out in crayon and they have different drawings on them and the spelling is also super amusing.

So the first one shows a photo of a page in a girl's diary that reads,

Rachel,

By the time you find this,

It should be a long time.

Sorry,

But I read your diary up to August 21,

2002.

I'm glad that you cared about Joe stealing my cards.

Sorry again,

Carl.

Another one says,

I'm sorry,

Ben,

I didn't mean to hurt you.

I feel like crap.

I love you and was trying to hit Chris.

I hate Chris.

I hate my choice I made.

I really hope you accept my apology.

When I threw the scissors,

I was aiming for Chris.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

And finally,

I think my very favorite is one that reads,

Dear Jason,

I'm sorry for kicking you with a feather.

Kicking is not okay because it hurts people.

Also,

Don't forget about time when you were a baby,

A crying little devil.

But I liked you and now you are still a crying little devil who gets away with everything.

I remember when Layla used your carpet as a diaper.

Ha,

Ha,

And ha,

Sincerely,

Ty.

So I love those.

And we can laugh because these are written by children.

But unfortunately,

As we all know,

Apologizing just doesn't seem to come easily for any of us,

No matter what our age.

And in fact,

Apologizing actually takes so much more emotional and spiritual effort than even the act of forgiveness,

Which as we all know is difficult enough to truly offer someone our forgiveness.

And there are many reasons for this,

But one of the main ones,

As you might imagine,

Is that when we are in a position to forgive,

We tend to feel somehow magnanimous or generous or maybe good about ourselves in some way.

But when we are the ones who maybe owe someone an apology,

What's required is for us to let go of our strong sense of self or ego,

Especially our strong sense of being right and become willing to be wrong about something and to admit that we are less than perfect.

In one of the key scriptures about this,

The Buddha tells his son,

Rahula,

Who is eight years old at the time,

That the ability to recognize our mistakes and confess them is the essential factor in achieving quote,

Purity in thought,

Word,

And deed.

And I just find that so telling that the Buddha considered apology the essential factor for this.

And if we think about it a little,

It really makes sense because whenever we're confessing that we made a mistake,

What we're essentially asking of ourselves is to very intentionally attempt to change or evolve in some way so that we do not create the same type of mistake or harm again.

So in other words,

Being willing to learn from our mistakes is exactly how we become even wiser and more compassionate to both ourselves and to others.

In the Dhammapada,

The famous collection of quotes from the Buddha in verse form,

He tells us that people who recognize their own mistakes and change their ways,

Quote,

Illuminate the world like the moon when freed from a cloud.

He also very specifically praised apology as honorable rather than a shameful act.

One of the things I dearly love about the Buddhist teachings is that we do not speak in terms of our behavior as being bad or somehow evil.

And we definitely do not think of ourselves as inherently bad or evil because these are both false labels or identities and they almost always involve the toxic emotion of shame.

Instead,

We're asked to become more conscious about which of our thoughts,

Actions,

And behaviors are skillful and which are unskillful.

Or maybe which thoughts,

Actions,

And behaviors lead to harm and suffering and which lead to more joy,

Benefit,

And connection.

And so we completely leave any kind of label out of it.

Most of the Buddha's teachings on apology can be found in the Vinaya Pitaka or what's called the basket of discipline.

And this includes all the detailed instructions that the Buddha gave to the monastics about how they should conduct themselves within the Sangha or the meditation community.

And what's great about the Vinaya,

Of course,

Is that all these instructions are also excellent for us because they provide us with such great examples about how we can create better relationships with all the different people in our lives.

Specifically,

The Buddha's teachings on apology include instructions for how the monastics should confess their offenses to one another,

How they should apologize to any lay people that they may have harmed,

And also how disagreements within the Sangha should be healed.

And unfortunately,

I don't have time to go into these more,

But the underlying message seems to be that when someone has been harmed in a relationship,

What's been broken is a sense of trust and respect,

Both of which need to be mended before the relationship can continue or heal.

In fact,

If we think about it,

In any relationship,

These two things,

Trust and respect,

Are really just fundamental requirements,

Aren't they?

Now,

If just one of these two qualities is missing,

Trust or respect,

The relationship is going to remain shaky at best because it won't be based on a solid foundation.

And unfortunately,

When someone feels harmed by something that we've done,

They not only feel a lack of trust,

But of course,

They also experience a lack of respect.

They go together.

And so we might imagine that apology or reconciliation is how we're being asked to mend or repair this relational foundation that has been damaged in some way or cracked.

And if we want the relationship to continue,

We really can't skip this,

Even though we might believe that it's somehow possible to maybe step around it or tiptoe over all those cracks.

But sooner or later,

If we have not reestablished some sort of trust or respect,

The ground of our relationship is eventually going to crumble,

Right?

So if we want to mend those cracks and reconnect,

One of the essential requirements is that both parties need to become willing to be vulnerable with each other.

Willing to be vulnerable,

Both on both ends.

And this is actually true for any good relationship,

Isn't it?

In order for there to be a solid connection,

Each party needs to be willing to shed some of that strong shield of self and become open to communicating in a way that creates equal or balanced ground.

Because unequal ground is just always going to be inherently unstable.

Of course,

Finding this balance can often be really complicated and tricky.

So for instance,

In one of the main sections of the Buddha's teachings on apology,

He says that in order for there to be any kind of understanding between different parties,

Both need to first agree on mutual standards of right and wrong.

Wow,

Right?

So just think about how difficult this can be,

Not only for disagreements among individuals,

But also between different groups,

Political parties,

And even nations.

It truly is one of the most challenging things that we can do.

And the truth is either consciously or unconsciously,

We are each one of us always constantly doing this dance with every single person in our lives.

In the Pali language,

Apology or reconciliation is called Patisarinakama,

Which means a return to amicability.

And again,

The main ingredients for success are trust and respect.

So important.

The great modern day teacher,

Tannasaro Bhikkhu talks about this need for trust and respect in apologies this way.

He says,

If I deny responsibility for my actions or maintain that I did no wrong,

There is no way that we can be reconciled.

Similarly,

If I insist that your feelings don't matter or that you have no right to hold me to your standards of right and wrong,

You won't trust me not to hurt you again.

To regain your trust,

I have to show my respect for you and for our mutual standards of what is and is not acceptable behavior.

To admit that I hurt you and that I was wrong to do so and to promise to exercise restraint in the future.

At the same time,

You have to inspire my trust as well in the respectable way that you conduct the process of reconciliation.

Only then can our friendship regain a solid footing.

So there's a lot to think about there.

When the Buddha gave the monastics his instructions about how best to apologize,

He told them that there are three main steps.

The first is to acknowledge that harm was done.

The second is to confess this.

And the third is to make amends and to commit to not repeating the same harm again.

And just for a moment,

We might pause here and consider how difficult it is sometimes just to practice that very first step,

Right?

Which is to truly acknowledge or admit,

Even to ourselves,

That we may have done something wrong.

Especially when someone is calling us out on something.

Even if it's something that seems really minor,

It can be really difficult.

We might even consider what's the very first thing that comes to mind when someone tells us that we did something that upset them,

Right?

Or that we made a mistake or maybe caused that person or another person harm.

Maybe our very first response is to become defensive.

Or we might feel that they're being unreasonable or overreacting or emotional.

We might feel resentful in some way for being called out on something.

Sometimes we might immediately feel some sort of shame.

And other times,

Maybe we immediately want to blame the other person or maybe someone else.

We deflect the blame.

So you might just consider this for a moment,

How you typically react to being called out on something.

Again,

Remember,

There's never a need for shame here.

We're just shining a light on our habitual ways of reacting to being blamed or criticized.

And by the way,

As you're considering this,

Taking a close look at the ways that we typically react in no way means that we need to accept blame that somehow feels aggressive or rude or maybe untrue or out of bounds or maybe something that feels more like an attack or a critique on our character rather than a critique of our behavior.

So there's a big difference there.

And we're never asked to leave our wise discernment at the door when we're listening.

Another thing we can be on the lookout for are different ways that we might habitually automatically feel blame or even shame for things that actually don't require any apology at all.

So just as for instance,

Some of us tend to over-apologize,

Which is a condition or learned behavior.

And at least culturally,

It just happens to be what many of us who are women have been trained to do.

The feminist scholar,

Maggie Nelson actually wrote something about this that I like to remember,

Which is,

Over the years,

I've had to train myself to wipe the sorry off every work email I write.

Otherwise,

Each might begin with sorry for the delay,

Sorry for the confusion,

Sorry for whatever.

So very often,

Before we can acknowledge that we've done something wrong or cause some harm,

The very first thing we need to do is very actively listen so that we really can be discerning and better understand what's needed.

Because the truth is no words of apology are ever going to heal a broken connection if we don't first allow ourselves to really listen and fully and completely understand the hurt that we may have caused.

Happily,

For us,

There are many ways that our mindfulness practice can help us with this.

And the first of these is probably the most important,

And it involves the practice of what's called non-defensive listening.

Non-defensive listening.

When we're practicing this type of listening,

Our intention is to try to fully understand what is going on with the other person or parties without arguing or becoming reactionary,

Trying to defend our sense of self.

And of course,

Even in our normal day-to-day conversations,

This can be so challenging,

And it can be especially difficult when we feel like we're being blamed for something.

The reason for this is because in order for our listening to be effective,

We first need to become willing to let go of our habitual focus on ourselves with all our strong opinions and beliefs and habitual defenses and place our focus more on the other person and what they're trying to tell us.

So with non-defensive listening,

We want to try our best to put our shields down,

If you will.

Close our mouths,

Open our ears and our hearts,

And make a conscious attempt to understand what the other person is feeling,

Especially.

So with non-defensive listening,

We really want to let the other person's voice or their pain or their hurt affect and influence us so that we can fully empathize and understand,

And most importantly,

Connect with this person or reconnect with them.

As we're doing this,

We also want to make sure that we're not adding our own need for empathy into the mix.

So in fact,

When someone is letting us know that we've upset them in some way,

It is almost never ever the right time in that moment to ask for their understanding.

Another way of listening that we can practice is something called non-fixing listening,

Which I love.

Non-fixing listening,

Which is where we make a strong effort not to fix.

And so when we're listening in this way with the intention to not fix,

We are trying our best not to invalidate someone else's experience by giving them our own opinions or by lecturing them in some way,

Or by trying to change whatever it is that they're expressing or feeling.

We just listen and not passively either,

Like we're just passing the time of day,

Maybe looking at our cell phones or walking around or doodling with something,

But very consciously and actively listening,

Again,

With the strong intention to understand.

So for instance,

We might try to remind ourselves to not interrupt or to not make corrections,

Or maybe not to say things that might leave the other person feeling unheard or maybe cut short.

If we're having difficulty understanding what the other person is trying to say,

It might even be appropriate to ask some gentle questions,

Again,

With the intention of connecting and understanding rather than defending,

Which of course only serves to disconnect.

And one of the best ways actually that we can help ourselves to listen better is by simply becoming mindful of our breathing and consciously slowing it down,

Because this is going to help us to calm both our minds and our bodies in the moment,

And it's going to help us to feel less tense or maybe less on guard,

Less defensive.

Slowing down our breathing or paying attention to our breathing is also going to help us to stay in that discomfort of the moment without acting out or again,

Maybe doing or saying something that is going to even cause further harm.

We also can remember to tap into our bodies and try to find some sense of groundedness or some sense of stability here.

So for instance,

Right in the middle of being called out on something,

We might,

Along with slowing down our breath,

Feel our feet on the ground or sense our sit bones in the chair or weight of our body being supported by the earth.

We might place a hand on our hearts to help us connect with our sense of kindness and compassion,

Both for ourselves and for the other person.

In fact,

Sometimes when I find that I'm really feeling defensive or I'm having a hard time listening,

I will actually gently place my hand over my mouth just to remind myself that I'm trying to listen.

And honestly,

This can sometimes be really helpful,

So I hope you might try it.

Just try it out.

In the meantime,

After we've taken that first step and acknowledged that we've caused some harm,

The teachings then ask us to take that second step,

Which is to confess this,

And typically this is where things can get really messy.

So for example,

Very often instead of just simply saying,

I'm sorry,

We might try to deny any responsibility for our actions,

Or we might maintain that we just didn't do anything wrong,

Or we might even put the blame back on that person who might be feeling hurt or blame someone else and say it was their fault.

Another way that we might really mess up an apology is by trying to deny that the other person's feelings are valid.

Maybe by telling them that their feelings are exaggerated or somehow wrong,

Or sometimes even that they just don't matter.

We do this in many different ways.

So for instance,

A very common non-apology apology,

Or what's sometimes called a pseudo-apology,

Might sound something like,

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

And if you've ever been on the receiving end of this phrase,

You'll know intuitively that this is not an apology,

Right?

It's simply a way that the person who harmed you is trying to shift the blame back onto you,

Basically by telling you that your emotions are the problem,

Right?

Not the thing that they did that initiated those emotions in the first place.

So you might even think of a time when this may have happened to you,

Right?

When you expressed a hurt or an anger about something and were told that you were overreacting,

Or maybe that you shouldn't be feeling the way that you were feeling,

That that was wrong.

Or maybe you were told that your feelings were the real cause of the problem itself.

So it's so helpful if we can remember how this feels,

Because it can really help us whenever we ourselves might be tempted to tell someone that what they're feeling is not valid,

Right?

Another thing is whenever we're offering an apology,

We want to try to avoid rushing it,

Which is something we also do for many different reasons.

You know,

A lot of times we rush because we just want to get it over with,

Right?

Or we might think it'll give us an instant ticket to forgiveness,

Like,

Just forgive me already.

I said I was sorry.

So we might just really want to silence the other person who is likely making us feel uncomfortable.

So we just want to get it over with.

And fortunately though,

Again,

If the other person hasn't felt heard,

They just aren't going to feel like our apology means very much.

And again,

Our connection with them is going to remain fragile or broken.

So even though it's difficult,

We really want to allow them to feel completely fully heard and understood,

And to have their own process around this.

And this might just take some time.

Might be a few hours,

Days,

Maybe months,

Sometimes maybe even years,

If it's a really big hurt.

Might take some time.

Because the hard truth is that we can never rush someone else's forgiveness.

We also can't expect it or demand it from them either.

All that's required is for us to continue to indicate our willingness to listen.

Our willingness to listen.

So important.

Another key tool that we can use to become more skillful at apologizing is by becoming more mindful of our language,

Which falls into the right speech category of the teachings.

And during my research on apology,

One of the best books I read was called Why Won't You Apologize by the psychologist,

Harriet Lerner,

Who says that we all need to raise our butt consciousness,

As in we need to pay closer attention to all the ways that we're inserting the word butt into our apologies.

So,

For instance,

Instead of simply saying,

I'm sorry for X,

Y,

Or Z,

And leaving it at that,

We tend to add all different kinds of butts into it,

Which is just a sneaky way of trying to justify our actions and not take any responsibility for them.

So whenever we're apologizing,

One thing we can do is to start noticing if any of our sentences begin with,

I'm sorry,

But.

I'm sorry,

But.

Remembering that whenever we've added a but to our apology,

We've essentially just canceled it.

After we've added the but,

Our apology really has zero value.

It means absolutely nothing.

Some versions of this phrase include things like,

I'm sorry,

But there are two sides to the story.

Or,

I'm sorry,

But you played a part in this too.

Or,

I'm sorry,

But you don't understand.

Or,

I'm sorry,

But there was a reason why I needed to do this thing.

Many years ago now,

There was a great New Yorker magazine cartoon that showed a good example of that last kind of rationalization.

It showed a woman on the witness stand who was saying,

I know he cheated on me because of his childhood abuse,

But I shot him because of mine.

So a very similar word that we tend to add into apologies,

Which by the way,

Also tends to cancel them,

Is the word if.

The word if,

As in,

I'm sorry if you feel that way.

Or instead of saying something like,

I'm sorry that what I said was offensive,

We might find ourselves saying something like,

I'm sorry if you took what I said as offensive.

So you can really see the difference there,

I hope.

We can also,

Of course,

When we're apologizing,

Take a good look at the nature of our minds in the moment and be brutally honest about what we discover there.

So the Zen teacher,

Brad Warner,

Has a great way of describing how we can do this.

He said,

We humans are clever creatures.

We can use our big,

Overdeveloped brains to justify absolutely any action.

We can use crafty words to explain our wrongdoings,

Both to others and to ourselves in ways that make them seem reasonable and right.

But we always know when we're wrong,

Even if we can't consciously acknowledge it.

The trick in knowing that we're making excuses is that excuses always take work.

I can feel the wheels turning up there in my head when I make up justifications.

When I notice that is happening,

I withdraw energy from the process.

It then becomes impossible to believe my own lies.

I won't say I always do this with 100% efficiency,

But when I do,

It works extremely well.

I'm left with only the bare recognition of my action and no explanation of excuses.

We really like that.

So to continue with the Buddhist steps,

After we've acknowledged that we did something unskillful and admitted it,

We then need to take the third step,

Which is important,

Which is to make some sort of restitution or amends and sincerely commit to not repeating whatever it was that we did or said.

And I love the way the late Desmond Tutu talks about this step.

He said,

Those who have wronged us must be ready to make what amends they can.

If I have stolen your pen,

I can't really be contrite when I say,

Please forgive me if at the same time,

I still keep your pen.

If I'm truly repentant,

Then I will demonstrate this genuine repentance by returning the pen.

The reconciliation,

Which is always costly,

Will happen,

But it can't happen just by saying,

Let bygones be bygones.

So essentially this final step is where we get to live in our apology and really let it affect us so that it can change us and help us to become wiser,

More compassionate humans,

Ones who,

As the Buddha said,

Quote,

Illuminate the world like the moon when freed from a cloud.

And finally,

Before I offer you a meditation and apology,

I just want to acknowledge that sadly,

So often the truth is that we are just never going to receive some,

Or maybe even most of the apologies that we think that we deserve.

And as long as we continue to hold onto wanting these,

It's just going to become that much more painful for us.

And so we can really use our practice to learn how to stop holding on so fiercely to our need for these apologies so that we can create more peace and freedom in our own lives instead of wanting things to be different than they actually are.

In her very excellent book,

Harriet Lerner describes how we can do this.

She tells us,

The hardest part is to accept that the offending party is never going to apologize,

Never going to see himself or herself objectively,

Never going to listen to our feelings with the slightest openness of mind or heart.

Letting go of anger and hate requires us to give up the hope for a different past,

Along with the hope of a fantasized future.

What we gain is a life more in the present,

Where we are not mired in prolonged anger and resentment that does not serve us.

And I have so much more that I'd like to say about this incredibly rich practice of apology,

But I need to end here due to time.

And I'd like to invite you into a brief meditation if it's available and you'd like to do this.

So you might,

If you haven't already,

Just find a comfortable posture,

Seated posture,

Close the eyes,

Place the tension on the breath,

Letting it calm the mind and the heart and the body.

If you're walking while listening,

You might feel your feet on the ground,

Feel connected to the earth.

Again,

You might pay attention to the body and the breath.

Bring your attention inward,

Your attention inward to the heart.

Breathing.

Maybe taking a couple of nice deep breaths in,

Slow breaths out to connect with the breath and the body and the heart.

And for this practice especially,

I'm going to invite you to imagine just breathing directly into the heart area.

Breathe directly into the heart so that there's a little more space here so that our hearts feel just a little more vulnerable and open.

Throughout the meditation,

If it's helpful,

You can always place a hand or both on the heart.

Get more in touch with the heart.

You might consciously let go of any tightness,

Tension that you might feel in the body,

Letting the eyes be soft,

Jaw,

Neck,

Shoulders,

Tummy,

Hands.

Still breathing.

And to begin,

I'm going to invite you again to recall a time when you shared with someone that you felt hurt in some way.

And instead of receiving an expression of remorse,

You either didn't receive anything at all or maybe worse,

You received a response that left you feeling much worse than the original harm.

So just think about that for a moment.

If you're willing and it feels safe,

I'd like to invite you to really recall how that felt to have received one of these types of responses and see if you can really allow yourself to revisit your feelings fully in mind,

Body,

And heart.

You might even hear some words that might start to arise like surprised or heartbroken,

Maybe hurt,

Betrayed,

Disrespected,

Angry,

Infuriated,

Maybe enraged.

Whatever you're feeling,

See if you can allow yourself to feel it fully without making any of it wrong or shutting any of it down.

See if you can just stay with the feeling itself,

Allowing it to just be.

Again,

You can even place a hand on the heart or a hand on your cheek or can hold your own hand.

You can even hold yourself in some way if that feels helpful.

Just continuing to be there for yourself as best as you can as if a really kind,

Great friend just asked you how this felt and really wants to know and listen and understand.

As you're ready now,

I'm going to invite you to try to visualize or sense that the most compassionate person or being that you can imagine,

Maybe even an animal,

Is just right there with you,

Fully witnessing your feelings and affirming them as real and necessary to express.

So this could be a real person or maybe someone who's no longer living,

Maybe a spiritual figure,

Guide or teacher,

Or again,

Maybe an animal,

Someone or some being who's willing to just be right there with you.

And imagine that.

You might even imagine this person or being holding you in some way,

Holding your hand,

Placing your hand on your back.

In whatever way showing up for you,

Supporting you,

Allowing your feelings to be expressed.

And as you continue,

See if you can really allow yourself to sense the support,

Knowing that this being not only wants to know how you felt,

But also really wants to understand.

And at the same time,

See if you can continue to do this for yourself,

To be your own supportive friend as you express your feelings.

As you're ready,

I'd like to invite you now to imagine expressing to this kind,

Compassionate,

Supportive person or being as well as yourself,

What you really wanted from the person who harmed you.

Remembering again that you were being fully supported in this.

What did you really want from the person who harmed you?

It can be really helpful as you're doing this to try to get out of your head a little bit and allow your feelings to connect the things that you really wanted from the person who harmed you.

Connect with your feelings.

So you might not take a few minutes for this.

Again,

Remembering that your words are being listened to and witnessed and allowed and supported.

As you're ready now,

I'm going to invite you to imagine that the strong,

Compassionate being or support figure is fully acknowledging that you deserved a real,

True apology and is affirming your needs.

Again,

See if you can allow this for yourself as well.

So you might hear some words like,

Dear one,

You did not deserve that kind of treatment or that response.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

You are absolutely innately worthy of respect.

And I'm so sorry you didn't receive that.

You deserve to have relationships that are trustworthy.

I'm so sorry that your trust was broken.

Your feelings and needs are in no way wrong.

And you are completely allowed to express these.

I am so sorry you didn't receive the understanding and the apology that you deserved.

Just let it be whatever weave of words are healing in some way,

Noticing how this affects the quality of your mind and body and heart.

And again,

If it's helpful,

You can always place a hand on the heart or your cheek.

Place both hands together.

Dear one,

You in no way deserved that kind of treatment or that response.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

You are absolutely innately worthy of respect.

I'm so sorry that you didn't receive it.

You deserve to have relationships that are trustworthy.

I'm so sorry that your trust was broken.

Your feelings and needs are in no way wrong.

And you are completely allowed to express them.

I'm so sorry you didn't receive the understanding and apology that you deserved.

Just continuing to sink into those words and really sense that they're true.

As you're ready,

Now you might even silently repeat some of these supporting words now to yourself,

Remembering that they are being witnessed.

So you might hear something like,

I did not deserve that kind of treatment or that response.

I'm so sorry I had to go through that.

I am absolutely in innately worthy of respect and I'm so sorry I didn't receive it.

I deserve to have relationships that are trustworthy.

I'm so sorry that my trust was broken.

My feelings and needs are in no way wrong and I am completely allowed to express them.

I am so sorry I didn't receive the understanding and the apology that I deserved.

Again,

Noticing what happens to the mind,

Body,

And heart as you continue to silently say these words to yourself.

As you're ready now,

I'd like to invite you to thank this supportive,

Compassionate being who's been supporting and listening to you in whatever way feels right to you.

Remembering they're always here for you whenever you need and that they're simply pointing to the wisest,

Most compassionate part of yourself who knows the truth.

And finally to end,

I'd like you to recall one or more of these affirmations and when the bell rings I'd like to invite you to write them down somewhere so that you can continue to revisit them,

Go back to them,

And remember for yourself that they're true.

Namaste and blessings.

I hope you enjoyed this talk.

These talks are always offered freely so that no one is ever denied access to these teachings and your support really makes a difference.

Dhanah is an ancient Pali word meaning spontaneous generosity of heart.

If you feel inspired to offer Dhanah,

You can do so by visiting my website at www.

Mindfulvalley.

Com.

Thank you so much.

Reviews

Wow wow wow! this one is the heart of healing ❤️ I love it ❤️
Thank you so so much 🙏❤️

Thanks for this talk. I felt understood.