Is It Time To Leave My Relationship?

How long is too long to be unhappy in a relationship? Maybe you're currently asking yourself this question.
I don't have the answer, but I have journal prompts, perspectives, and contemplations that will help you: Clarify where you're at and what you want in a happy relationship. Understand the quality of connection you have and what can be done to improve it. Transform the situation so that you can begin manifesting a happier relationship. Press play and find your clarity. You deserve to be happy! We can only meet others at the depths we've met ourselves – if you're willing to self-reflect and understand your triggers, check out my Shadow Work for Manifestation course on Insight Timer. It will help you heal your inner child and improve your relationships.

Transcript

Welcome to a new episode of the Inner Sovereignty podcast.

Today we're going to talk about a question from one of my Instagram followers.

How long is too long to be unhappy in a relationship?

This is the question that we're going to dive into today and this is a new format that I'm trying out so if you have questions that you'd like to have answered by me in this podcast drop them in the box below.

You'll find it on Spotify.

There is a box where you can give feedback or you can send me an email to care at SharonKirsten.

Com My name is Sharon Kirsten.

I am a clinical trauma-informed hypnotherapist,

A master mindset coach and an NLP practitioner.

I've been working with clients for the last 10 years and have helped them transform their lives.

I create courses and books that help you transform emotional blockages into manifestation power.

So before I share a couple of things that come up for me around this topic that I think can help you,

I just want to pre-frame that leaving or entering a relationship is a very personal decision and I do not want anyone to take this video as advice or as any sort of basis to make a decision based on what I'm saying and my focus here will be on helping you ask the right questions for you.

There is no advice here,

There are only questions that will help you find your answers within because that's what I do.

I wrote a book The Answers Within as well.

So let's dive in.

So the first question that I would like you to ask yourself is when you entered this relationship,

Did you feel like it was the right choice to make or was there some type of feeling in your gut,

In your heart,

In your body somewhere that said this is not the right relationship?

Was there any indicator from your intuition,

From your body knowledge that this was not the right relationship for you but you went ahead anyways?

And sometimes we do this,

Sometimes a part of us is telling us don't do it,

This is not the right relationship but in the moment when we look at the person and the relationship there is no real proof of why we should think and feel this way.

And so we discard our intuition that knows so much more than we know ourselves from purely trusting our minds.

And so we go ahead with things that our intuition,

Our inner knowing,

Our higher self actually let us know saying no this is not the right person for you,

There is something better.

So if this was the case from the beginning,

This relationship that you're in might be,

And I say might be because I really don't know you nor your relationship,

It could be that it is a learning relationship.

There are relationships where we learn lessons and there are relationships where we actually heal.

And sometimes we need to have quite a few of these learning relationships in order to allow that healing relationship in.

A learning relationship is usually marked by a lot of triggers,

There is a lot of deep inner work that needs to be done because the other person mirrors back to you,

Your shadow self,

The parts of you that still need healing,

The parts of you that attracted a person into your life that doesn't actually make you happy.

So this is where we need to do the inner work to understand why we were available for this kind of dynamic,

For this kind of relationship.

And we need to start healing ourselves from our childhood wounds because we've all had childhood wounding,

We've all taken on strategies in our childhood to secure love,

To receive love,

To be loved.

And what happens in childhood in order to receive this love,

We need to separate from our authentic self.

There is a choice that we need to make at some point as a child and that is either I stay connected to my caregiver or I stay connected to my own truth.

And we will always choose staying connected to our caregiver because we want to survive.

And this is a survival choice.

In those moments we did not feel safe and we needed to make the choice that we need to survive.

So we need to separate from our own truth,

From our own knowing,

From our own power in order to rely on this caregiver to keep us alive basically.

So we all have these sorts of attachment wounds that create either avoidant styles or anxious connection styles or disorganized attachment styles.

And so based on these attachment styles that we have,

We attract partners that mirror that back to us,

That trigger us in these ways.

So sometimes we need to learn certain things in relationships.

And once we've learned these things,

We can actually move on to a healing relationship.

The healing relationship makes us feel completely safe,

Completely loved.

It is a type of love that we've never experienced before.

It is a type of soothing love that starts to heal all these parts of us that were triggered before that felt like,

You know,

When you have a wound and you just keep picking on this gap and it just never heals.

That healing relationship feels like finally this wound can heal because it gets no longer triggered.

We've done the inner work and now all these parts are getting healed because we're suddenly with a safe partner that gives us all the things that we've always dreamed of.

But we need to go through these lessons in order to be available for this wonderful partner that will feel so nourishing.

And also to become,

And this is often overlooked,

Also to become that safe space for love.

Because it's not only what we get from a partner,

It's also what we give.

And are we actually a safe space to the other person?

Can we be a space for love,

A space of love for someone else?

So that we are that safe partner.

So in order to become the safe partner for someone else,

For that very special person in our lives,

We need to become that safe space.

How do we get there?

Well,

We heal our trauma.

We heal all these triggers,

All these patterns,

All these things that are going on inside of us in terms of wounding that make us seek things outside of ourselves,

That make us look for solutions outside of ourselves,

That make us blame other people for things that are happening in our lives.

So we take radical responsibility for ourselves,

For our wounds,

For everything that we do as well,

That then bounces back to us sometimes from other people.

Okay,

I did not expect to say all these things when I was preparing for this podcast,

But it seems like this was important.

So let's ask some questions.

So the first thing that we need to do is we need to clarify what specifically is making me unhappy.

And I would suggest that you write these prompts down or you stop the video so that you can actually contemplate these questions.

What specifically is making me unhappy?

Have you actually taken the time to sit down and fully analyze and understand what is making you unhappy in this relationship?

This is so,

So,

So important.

And a lot of people miss this part.

They just know that they're not happy.

But unless you know,

You have that self-awareness of what is making you unhappy,

What emotions,

What needs are getting unmet?

What do you actually need?

What is missing?

Take the time to answer this question.

And then the next question for you would be,

Is this something that can be changed?

Is this something that can be changed?

Can it change within you?

Can it change within the other person?

If we're in relation with someone else,

We need to also look at how long have we been with this person?

How often have we communicated our needs?

And is there proof over time that this person has actually tried to meet our needs?

Or are our needs going continuously unmet?

And the person does not understand what we actually long for and need in this relationship.

So are they listening?

Are they understanding?

Are they making an effort to actually hear you?

And both of you then need to understand,

Is this something that I'm willing to give to that person?

Are these needs that this person is asking for,

Is this something that I can and want to give and I'm capable of giving?

Because sometimes we want to,

But we're not capable.

Sometimes we don't want to,

Although we would be capable of doing these things.

So we need to take a little bit of a step back and be a little bit more rational about,

Okay,

What is proof telling me?

What is time telling me?

And is this information that can inform me about the future of where this is heading?

Because sometimes we can see the future based on what we've already seen.

Things are not going to radically change and become different unless we change and we,

You know,

We or the other person changes.

And we only have agency over our own actions,

So the only person that can change is ourselves.

We can only change ourselves.

So the next question would be,

Tying into that,

Is this something you and or your partner want to change?

Are capable of changing?

Is there proof for that?

Next question is,

Is this something I can or should take responsibility for?

So there is always a part that we play.

There is a dynamic,

A relationship.

It's not a one-person show.

It's a two-person show.

And we have a dynamic with each other and we bounce back and forth.

So we need to ask ourselves,

Well,

Is there something that I can do to change the dynamic which will change the response of the other person?

What part do I play in this?

Is this something that I want to change and I'm capable of changing?

And will this actually change the response that I'm getting?

Will I actually start getting what I desire based on changing my own behavior?

Can I change something in me to change the dynamic?

And am I willing to do that?

Because in the end we need to understand that in relationships it's all about attachment and the ways we've learned to attach to people.

And whenever we have a conflict with someone else,

Our attachment wounds are getting triggered.

So we might be afraid that someone's abandoning us.

We might be afraid that someone doesn't love us.

We might be afraid of any sorts of things that are connected into the loss of connection.

Some people then go into being really critical with the other person because they're trying to reach them and then the other partner tries to avoid all of this because it feels so uncomfortable.

And then they become really silent and then that person that's criticizing feels even more unheard.

And there is a weird dynamic that starts happening.

So we need to really become aware of what is happening and can I change the dynamic?

Do I actually want to?

Do I know what I want?

Do I know what makes me unhappy?

Do I know what needs to change in order to make me happier?

Am I willing to contribute to this work?

And do I see that these changes will lead to the kind of relationship that I actually desire?

Is this other person capable of changing?

Is there proof?

Can I trust?

So the next section for me would be relating.

First we had clarify.

Now we have relate.

Well like I said a relationship is not a one way street.

We are always relating with the other person.

So the number one way of relating with another person is through communication.

A lot of couples have very bad communication skills and so we need to look into that.

Have I communicated with my partner about the things that make me unhappy?

Have I actually let my partner know what's going on?

Or am I just expecting this person to know what it is?

Next question would be how is our communication culture?

Do we both feel heard and understood?

Do we take action on what has been communicated?

So is there not only talk but is there also action that follows that conversation so that changes become palpable,

Visible and implemented?

Next question is what can be done to communicate my underlying emotions?

This is a big one because this requires self-awareness.

If I do not know why I'm getting angry it's really hard to get my needs met.

So for instance if you're always the one washing the dishes and it makes you really angry that your husband sits on the couch and never takes responsibility for helping you clean the dishes.

I'm just making this up right now.

You're angry.

At first you think oh I'm angry because he doesn't do the dishes.

That's not the underlying emotion.

That's not really what's going on.

Ask yourself why am I angry?

Why does it make me angry that he sits on the couch and I do the dishes?

What's really going on here?

What's underneath it?

And it may be I don't feel seen in my own needs.

I would like to sit on the couch.

I would like to have some time off.

I would like to relax.

I don't feel like I can relax.

I've asked him before to help me and he doesn't do it and I don't feel like my needs are getting met.

I feel like he's ignoring me.

I feel like I'm unimportant and feeling unimportant makes me feel sad.

Maybe I felt unimportant in the relationship with one of my caregivers.

Maybe I felt like I always had to perform and nobody cared for my needs and what I needed and wanted.

Maybe this is just a trigger of a childhood trauma and a childhood experience that's just resurfacing and it's asking you now to communicate and to speak your truth and no longer be silenced and to actually ask for what you need.

So as you can see this can already go in so many directions here.

So what can be done to communicate my underlying emotions?

Do you think your conversation would go really differently if you go to your partner and you say you never do the dishes I always have to do them alone or if you go to him and you say look I've noticed you haven't helped me with the dishes in a while and I remember asking you to help me out.

It makes me feel really unimportant and like my needs don't matter if you don't follow through on your word.

Do you think you can follow through on your word?

It's very different.

It's calm.

It's self-aware.

It calls him out on a commitment and a promise that he's made.

So the question is not about the dishes at all.

It's about you made a promise to me and you're not keeping it.

So we need to really become skilled in communicating but first we need to become self-aware because you can't communicate well unless you're self-aware.

So am I aware of what is causing me to be unhappy?

What is it?

We need to understand is this a symptom of something that we can fix through communication and love or is this something that's like a standard and a boundary that you're just not willing to cross where you just don't see any future here.

Have I done the work?

Have I understood what my stuff is?

Am I self-aware enough to communicate my needs to communicate what's going on inside of me so that I can actually speak with my partner in a positive way?

A really common example is also the socks lying around right and like everybody argues about not picking up the socks and putting them in the laundry but the socks aren't the issue.

The issue is really what do you feel when you see the socks lying on the floor?

Do you feel unimportant?

Do you feel like a servant?

Do you feel like a mother?

Like what comes up for you where you do not feel happy?

The next question is are we going in the same direction in life?

Do we have mutual goals that pull us forward?

It's very easy to become unhappy in a relationship when you do not have mutual goals and you're going in the same direction.

You want to know that you're growing,

That you're evolving together and this will create a type of bond that is really special because both of you are walking hand in hand towards the same goals and in the same direction.

Next question is do we spend regular quality time and intimacy?

Do not underestimate the power of hormones.

The bonding hormone oxytocin is a really strong way of staying connected and feeling loved and appreciated by your partner.

So if you spend quality time where you can actually be together,

Focus on each other and have that kind of loving positive energy between the two of you,

It creates more intimacy,

More love,

More connection and this will make communicating in a loving way so much easier.

The next question is do we still have the same values?

Sometimes when we get to know our partner we ask so many questions.

We want to know what their values are,

Their dreams,

Their goals,

Their everything and then we kind of assume that this person that we met 10 years ago is still the same person now.

But people change,

Their goals change,

Their vision changes.

So make an effort regularly to understand your partner,

Understand their inner world,

Understand what they're talking about,

What they're thinking about,

Where their mind is at,

What's important to them at this stage in their lives.

Even before having a family and after having kids for example,

Things can change so radically.

So make an effort to understand the inner world of your partner and understand whether you two still align.

There is nothing wrong with no longer aligning.

There is something wrong with holding each other back from a happy life and a happy relationship just by staying together for no apparent reason while making each other miserable and unhappy.

And then the next question is,

Do I know the current version of my partner?

That's exactly what I was referring to.

Do I know who my partner really is right now,

Where he's going,

He,

She is going and do I want to go there with them?

So then the next part because we clarified now we're relating to each other and we're really understanding who we are and who we are in relation to each other and who we are individually and who we are as a whole.

Then how can we transform the situation?

We clarified,

We related and now we're going to transform.

So now this is more work that you need to do with yourself.

So here are a few questions.

What am I available for in a relationship,

In this relationship?

What am I available for?

I'm available for love,

I'm available for connection,

I'm available for support,

I'm available to give support,

I'm available to nourish.

Write down all the things that you are available for.

And then the other question is,

What am I no longer available for?

What am I not available for?

I'm not available to be screamed at,

I'm not available to be treated passive aggressively.

There are some things that I'm no longer available for that may have,

You know,

Become a habit over time in this relationship but that I just don't want to continue.

Sometimes we need to uplevel our standards and our boundaries to completely change a situation.

Actually it's not sometimes,

It's always.

We need to change what we're available for so that we can transform ourselves and the complete situation.

The next question for you is,

What in me has been available to be treated like this?

What in me has been available to treat someone like this?

What in me has been available to hold out hope?

What in me has been available to make the other person the problem?

What in me has been available to not see the part I play?

I would love for you to just intuitively add whatever makes sense to the sentence,

What in me has been available to?

This question actually helped me begin healing from narcissistic abuse.

What in me has been available to be treated this way?

And that's what really opened up that whole box of things that I needed to transform.

So what part of me has associated this dynamic with love but now I'm realizing it's not?

What part of me has associated this dynamic that I've been playing out in my relationship with love,

What part of me thinks this is love even though it might not be?

And it's always a child part,

It's always rooted in childhood and how we've started relating with our parents.

Because our parents were our first relationships,

So there's a lot to gain from understanding our early dynamics in life.

The next question is,

What boundaries do I need to set?

What are my new standards for my relationship?

What are my new standards for how I get to be treated?

What are my new standards for how I treat the person I love?

Never forget that one.

And I just want to do a little disclaimer.

If you feel like you're in an unhealthy dynamic,

You feel like you're getting manipulated,

You're being put down,

You feel like you're in a situation where there is emotional or psychological abuse.

And sometimes it's hard to understand what that really is.

So when I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist,

I actually had a couple of those,

It took me a long time to realize what a narcissist really is.

It took me so long to understand what is really going on.

And actually,

I didn't understand it fully until I was out of that relationship and I started healing.

And I started realizing that,

Wow,

There is a complete playbook.

Wow.

There is a way they do things,

Like there is a whole psychological profile of what a narcissist is and the kinds of narcissists there are.

And so if you feel like this might be going on in your relationship,

We all can have narcissistic traits.

That doesn't make us a full-blown narcissist.

But I just want to put it out there because it took me so long to realize.

And I wish I had found it earlier in a way,

But I know it was perfect the way it was because that's what I needed.

And it really helped me heal so deeply that now I have this wonderful soulmate partnership.

So if we do the work,

Magic can come out of it.

But Google it,

Look it up.

I can also make an episode on narcissistic abuse and share my story and my realizations and what helped me overcome this.

I can share more on that.

But here I just want to put like a little pin here and say,

Look up abuse,

Look up domestic abuse,

Look up emotional abuse,

Psychological abuse,

Whatever is going on.

I don't know what's going on in your situation or whoever is listening to this.

If this resonates,

Just look it up and see if that is something that's going on for you and take the necessary actions to save yourself if that's what's going on.

So now coming back,

How do we make decisions?

This is another thing that I wanted to mention because sometimes,

You know,

Being in a relationship or outside of a relationship,

This is really a big question.

And we can lean on our intuition and our human design authority.

Human design is part of what I do with my clients.

Human design and gene keys are powerful technologies that tell you who you are designed to be based on your birth data.

So it's not some random personality test.

It's literally based on your birth data.

So human design has an aspect called your authority.

The authority is basically how your intuition speaks to you,

How you best make decisions in your life.

And depending on what authority you are,

You might have a gut feeling and your gut feeling tells you this is not the right person.

Or you might have emotional decision making,

Emotional authority,

Which means that you need to wait out your emotional wave over time from the ebbs and the flows and the highs and the lows and come to a neutral place until you have clarity on your decision.

You know,

These are just two aspects.

And I make these human design guides for my clients to help them really understand who they are designed to be.

You can find that on my website or I can put it in the show notes below as well.

So it's a really powerful way of knowing how to make the right decisions in your life.

But over time,

You can even just take out a pen and paper and think of all the great decisions that you've made in your life.

How did you make these decisions?

Think of all the good ones and write down the process that you underwent in order to make that decision.

This is a great way to understand how you work best in terms of decision making.

So trust what you know within is true.

Oftentimes,

We already know the answer and we're just not courageous enough to act on it.

So really,

When we ask how long is too long to be unhappy in a relationship?

I'm sure that if you're thinking these thoughts,

You already know the answer.

You're just looking for confirmation.

You're just looking for something to help you.

Because many people stay in unhappy relationships due to fear.

There might be fear of not finding someone new or fear of not finding someone better because the person that we're with isn't all bad because otherwise we wouldn't be with that person,

Right?

Or fear of being too old to find someone new or fear of ending up alone or fear of failing your kids,

Fear of changing your living situation,

Like needing to move,

Needing to change a whole bunch of things,

Losing friends if you've had friends together in your friend circle.

There are so many things that change when you change a relationship depending on how long you've been together.

Sometimes even if you need to get divorced,

There is a lot of stuff that needs to happen and it's a tedious process.

So trust yourself.

You know within what is true.

Trust that aspect of yourself.

You know what's true within yourself.

You know what needs to happen.

If these questions can help you gain the clarity and the confirmations that you need in order to get to your answer,

I would be delighted if they helped you,

If they supported you.

And don't let fear be your guide.

Never let fear be your guide.

Either we make choices from love or we make choices from fear.

Trust what you know is within you.

Trust what is right.

I've made decisions in my life that made no logical sense and they were purely guided by intuition and they led me to the most wonderful places.

I ended relationships that were okay but that didn't align with what I wanted because I could literally project into the future where this is going and I didn't want to go there.

I ended relationships because I was promised things that I didn't see happening and I didn't even enter relationships because I could project based on who the person is and what they're telling me and what my intuition told me that I would go to a place with this person in a relationship where I don't want to go.

I also moved across the world without a hard reason and I met the man of my dreams.

There are no logical answers in love sometimes.

Sometimes we just got to trust faith.

We got to trust a higher power.

We got to trust our higher self.

We got to trust our intuition that speaks to us.

Trust yourself really and if you need some support in working through these childhood issues I have a book that is called Shadow Work Guide and Workbook.

It's a beautiful journal.

Actually I have it right here so I can show you if you're on video.

It is a powerful tool to actually help you with your inner child healing.

Great now there's so much light with your inner child healing and to help you transform emotional blockages into manifestation power.

It has a lot.

You literally can't see anything of this right now.

Well anyway you can find it on Amazon.

It is a beautiful book with a lot of journal prompts with a lot of guidance on how to understand attachment,

How to understand the strategies that you've taken on in childhood that you're still living out today.

So you can understand half the self-awareness that we talked about.

Without self-awareness there is never going to be any change.

So you can create the self-awareness and start changing through this work and find your own inner answers and really start reclaiming your power.

There is this book.

There is also a wonderful course around shadow work called Shadow Work for Manifestation.

I'm going to link all these things below and of course I have so many more tools and offers that can help you navigate this part of your life and navigate change.

Navigating change is never easy and sometimes it helps to have someone in your corner that can give you the safety that you need,

The reassurance that you need,

Because it's a time where we feel unsafe.

Change always feels unsafe to our inner child and if we can have someone hold our hand,

Be there for us during that time,

We can navigate these changes a lot smoother and quicker and in a way that truly brings us out.

I want to say on top but just being more empowered,

Being happier,

Being intentional about where we're going and not recreating the past all over again.

So I hope you enjoyed this episode.

I would love it if you shared it,

If you told me below,

If you have any questions,

If you have any feedback,

If you have any thoughts.

I would love to hear from you so I'm going to see you in the next episode.

Reviews

Excellent, just what I needed today 🙏

It was very interesting and helpful. I Will listen to it again and write down the questions and answers. The music in the end was to loud and I wasn't able to hear what you said properly. Thank you very much.