Hi there.
Welcome to Serenity Wellness Podcast,
Episode 69,
Becoming Your Primary Person.
Thank you so much for all your continued encouragement and support.
I truly appreciate each of you.
If you happen to be new here today,
My name is Nicole White.
I'm an integrated mental health and energy therapist,
And I'm happy to be here to share wellness with you.
If I can take just a tiny moment to ask for a little fever,
If you wouldn't mind hitting the subscribe button,
It would really help me out.
It will help get the algorithms going,
And that will help get this wellness information out to others.
I'm not a famous person,
So this channel is going to take quite a while to get out there and have people see it.
I am just someone,
Just like a lot of you,
Who have been through some really difficult times in life,
Great bit of trauma.
You're welcome to check out Episode 1.
It tells you a little bit about that,
But to the point that I decided to become an integrative mental health and energy therapist to help me work on myself,
As well as my generational imprinting and some things within the energy body.
Now it's my mission to just try to get as much of the wealth of information I have gathered and that I have used in helping others for the past 25 years or so out there.
So by you subscribing,
It will help me to reach that mission,
And we can start to make a ripple of wellness in the collective.
So that's really what it's about,
Is trying to help with all the mental and emotional fragmentation that's going on right now for all of us.
So thank you in advance for helping me out.
For today,
Let's talk about how to become your primary person and what does that even mean.
Many of us have been,
As I just mentioned a moment ago,
Through a lot in life.
And through those turmoils and the challenges,
It can leave fragments of pain and difficulty in ourselves,
In our heart,
In our connections.
And with it,
It might be so heavy that we find ourselves kind of bypassing it,
Stuffing down the emotion,
And finding replacement things to keep us busy enough,
Confused enough,
Or disoriented and detached enough so that we don't have to look at it,
Feel it,
And experience it.
The extra challenge there,
Though,
Is that's where the healing happens.
So many people are terrified,
Really,
Of being with themselves,
Hanging out with themselves,
Sitting in silence.
We will fill our space with noise.
It'll be a TV on all the time or music on all the time or having to have busyness and chaos around us,
But we'll fill the space even with just cluttered noise as an attempt to avoid any type of silence.
And sometimes I'm talking even a minute of silence.
People find this in conversations a lot where silence makes them super uncomfortable,
And they'll just start putting things out there into the space that they don't even really know what they're saying.
They're just saying anything at this moment to please get rid of the silence.
Silence though is the golden spot.
It's the golden place where we find so much.
It's where clarity happens,
Healing happens,
But also where we begin to remember who we are and we begin to find a different place within ourselves because we've offered ourselves a bit of attention.
I'll kind of explain that some more as we go through this information.
And when you're thinking about this idea of becoming your primary person and how we might carry pain with us,
I said about how we will avoid the silence part,
But there's a lot of other ways that we will avoid sitting at all with self.
And this avoidance of silence might be kind of an umbrella,
If you would,
Around or above all that I'm going to mention here,
Or you might have pockets of silence,
But you're using some of these other things as well.
Part of the reason we may do some of these things I'm going to mention is a way to not only avoid sitting with ourselves,
But also at times we will place the expectation onto someone else or onto something else to fix or heal what's happening within.
And not maybe noticing or recognizing the very avoidance of self,
The very avoidance of emotion and other areas,
It will make it near impossible.
If we are not with ourselves and we're placing it on others or we're placing it on other things that I'll explain here,
Well,
The healing,
We may see over time repeated cycles that the healing still hasn't happened.
And that's what will keep us in subconscious driver in all the different pockets of life.
And I know I've mentioned about subconscious driver in a lot of different episodes,
So I don't want to be a broken record either,
But if we're not hanging with ourselves and we're not learning who we are and we're not spending some time healing some of the pain,
Then this is where it might lead us.
One area is over-busyness.
We might keep ourselves so busy that there is no space and time to think,
To feel,
To anything so that by the end of the day,
We're so exhausted,
There's just no room to think,
There's no room to feel other than the multitasking that we've done through the day to keep ourselves so scattered,
So busy,
And so almost laser-focused on something other than self,
Anything.
People will do like anything to avoid this part.
When we keep ourselves very busy in this way,
We might not notice that it can also create kind of walls around the heart.
When we're busy,
Busy and moving,
It'll create barriers in our connection with others.
When we're not connecting with self,
We are not able then to authentically show up in our connections with others.
So therefore,
We'll have walls around our heart space,
And you can think of what that might look like for you.
Is it bricks,
Or maybe you have a fence,
Like a six-foot fence around,
But it's a blocker because if we're blocking and connecting heart space connection with our self,
Then it means that that wall that we have there for our self,
It's not like instantly it can then just break apart,
Fall,
And dissolve when we are trying to connect with another.
This can be intimate connections,
But it can also be connections with coworkers.
It can be connections with strangers.
It can be connections with understanding the vast beauty of differences,
And you might find yourself steering away from that and getting more into divide mindset,
And you are different,
So therefore,
You know,
Go somewhere.
I don't know,
People can get pretty unkind.
I'm just going to leave that there,
But it can create this because if we're not here,
If we're not feeling our emotions,
It's super easy to tap out of empathy and compassion for others.
We don't even have it for ourselves.
Another thing with us avoiding this notion of becoming our primary person,
And don't worry,
I'll explain more of what I'm even talking about there as we go through this,
But we will also move into fear-based connections with others.
If we are having this baseline of emotions that we are stuffing and storing and putting us into the subconscious driver,
It is not keeping our baseline of our heart,
Our energetic being in a place that is of like a baseline of contentment even or a baseline of tranquility.
It's like this fear-based anxious or agitated blocking state that we're in.
Well,
That will then create fear-based connection.
It will also lead to a tendency for some people to just jump.
So we'll jump and jump and jump from connection to connection to connection with no time in the in-between to realize that we are a connection option.
We are an option for us to connect with so that we can have some healing there.
It's like,
You know,
Kind of reminds me,
Hopefully this makes sense.
I just say what comes up here.
What I'm talking about here reminds me of like how I mentioned towards the beginning that we will have pain or suffering or lots of stuff around previous connections,
Situations in our own life that maybe we have stored down and we haven't really been able to have some healing around.
Little side note,
We don't have to open up all our folders of like,
Oh,
Let me look at all trauma and put it on a movie screen in my mind kind of thing to get healing.
There are ways to work on healing around past trauma and pain without having to open the folders in memory.
I understand that not all trauma therapists are going to agree with me and that's okay.
There are tons of different styles of therapy and this is just my approach to how I've worked with clients over this very long period of time.
So just know that there are different approaches.
Some types of therapy may have you do that.
It's just not my approach.
Therapy is very individualized and for some clients,
They certainly do want to do that and we go there.
I am also a hypnotist,
So I can work with my clients wherever they show up,
But in your interpersonal work with self,
Just know it's not going to be something that you have to do if that is not something that is comfortable and if you do decide to open up trauma folders,
I do highly encourage you to get support there.
All right,
Back to where I was just a moment ago because I totally just jumped the sidewalk track there.
With this stuff that we're carrying around,
That we're having in our heart space,
That we might be showing up with in these connections or we're so busy that we're trying to avoid any type of connection as a way of fear-based protection or moving into fear-based connection or we're jumping,
Jumping,
Jumping and hey,
Here I am on the sideline as self.
Do I get an option to be one of those connections,
To hang out with myself,
To get some healing?
Well,
A lot of this stuff we're carrying can go way back.
It can go way back to even childhood.
I guess that's what made me say about opening folders.
It can go way back to childhood and this notion that I'm talking about the jumping,
Jumping,
It reminds me of a child on a playground.
And this child sees everyone else hanging out.
There's pockets of kids everywhere having fun,
Laughing,
Running around,
Playing kickball.
I don't know why kickball.
I love kickball,
I guess.
I miss kickball.
Anyway,
They're playing things,
They're hanging out and here's this child.
This child is just sitting there wanting someone to just hang out with just one person and they're alone.
And they just find that repeatedly over and over again on the playground or in the lunchroom.
They have no one to sit with while everyone else is having a grand old time or they're the last in phys ed.
I don't even know if that's what it's called anymore,
But gym class.
Hopefully they still have that.
I don't know,
Our educational system.
I'm not going to sidetrack here,
But it's like in gym class,
Phys ed,
They're the last one picked for a team and it's even begrudgingly type of thing.
Well,
If we don't spend time with ourselves,
That's how we are treating ourselves like that child.
We're the other ones ignoring ourselves.
We're the bullies,
Maybe even that we had to be around if that was something that we had to experience.
So how do you want to show up for you and build a notion of trust in yourself so that you can be your primary person?
This idea of being our primary person is not about having to exclude others.
It's not about going into some deep cave of isolation and saying,
I cannot communicate or be with anybody or anything like that.
This is something you can do if you're in a partnership.
You've been in your partnership for 20 years or you're single or you're somewhere in the in-between or you're not even seeking a relationship and have no desire to ever do that in your life.
This is something that is just a foundational core of how can we support ourselves?
How can we be the person that we can count on the most?
In our mind,
In our emotions,
In our ability to sit with ourselves and feel and experience and maybe even embrace some silence,
That golden spot and opportunity for some healing.
This process can feel overwhelming.
I completely understand that.
And it's not about not having support while you go through this experience if it's something that you've never done before.
A lot of people have never hung out with themselves.
It's not even something that's really encouraged in a lot of ways in our society,
At least here in America.
I understand and appreciate and I'm so grateful that I have listeners in,
I think it's like 58,
60 countries right now,
Which that's amazing.
But I'm sure it's like this sometimes in other countries as well,
That we're not really encouraged for a lot of individual exploration and healing.
Not only do we have the stigma around mental health,
But we also are bombarded,
Inundated with information,
Download,
Overload,
So that it can almost encourage us to be those multitaskers,
To keep ourselves so busy,
So confused,
Because there's so much information coming at us.
Information overload,
Encouragement of information overload.
And if we slow down enough,
We can start to see what the agenda there is.
When we spend some time with ourselves for healing,
We get to change the vibration that is going out as a collective to start to work on more heart-centered relationships and connections with ourselves primarily,
Because then that will impact and change how we are connecting with others.
Could you imagine if we're all doing that,
The change that will begin to occur?
In the difficulty with this,
It's not about also,
I think I said this a second ago,
But not having support when you do this.
It might be a confidant that you find in your life.
It could be your current partner.
It might be a friend,
A family member.
It could be a support group.
It might be a therapist,
A spiritual healer,
Or a spiritual advisor.
It might be books that you read.
It could be even stuff like this on YouTube.
I even have some courses on my website.
They're all wellness-based courses,
And there's a free one there to all about this,
Connecting with our heart space and finding ourselves.
I'll have a link always in the comments below,
But I'll be sure to highlight that for this episode because we might not know how to even connect with ourselves.
Also recognize it's common to have some fear or hesitation around this experience.
Often it's about the emotions that we might recognize are going to show up,
And it could be even that we have a little inner knowing that when we start working on ourselves,
It might bring some real changes in our life.
Some of those changes might even require changes in relationship connection or establishing and setting some really healthy but firm boundaries with others.
Those things are challenging.
People will often be like,
Oh,
No,
That's going to be even extra work.
That's going to be extra emotion that comes in.
I'm just going to keep moving through life in this hypnotic,
Trance-like,
Kind of zombie-like fashion.
When we bypass our own personal healing,
We are then asking others to do that work for us.
That is different than having support to assist us.
When we're not allowing ourselves to be our primary person and hang out with ourselves and get to know ourselves and get to work on understanding maybe some of our own patterns or loops that we're in,
And we just keep handing that over to someone else,
We are showing up still as the same person over and over again.
How we are in our being,
So how we are in terms of our healing,
In our connection to heart,
If there's these walls and blocks towards self and towards others,
That creates a frequency.
We have this frequency that we're creating in our body,
And that frequency then goes out and you can think about it like a channel on a radio station type of thing.
In that room,
There's an abundance of different channels that you can tune into.
You're tuned into your channel,
Be stuck where you're at in your healing,
So that's the frequency that you're tuned into on your dial.
So any of the others who are in the room who are also tuned into that channel,
You're going to have a gravitational pull towards and vice versa.
So you guys are like dancing to the same music,
And that music might be pain-based music.
And then you see a few over here and they're like dancing to maybe some really upbeat music,
Feeling really happy.
So what channel are you tuned into?
And that's going to determine what frequency you're connecting with.
It's like this beacon that goes out and how we connect with others.
It's why we will often see or you will often see how our friendships are often based on people who are kind of in that same frequency.
They're kind of listening to the same channel.
Yes,
It's because those are the individuals we are connecting with.
And that's why sometimes when people work on healing of self,
They realize their frequency has changed.
They've tuned to a different channel.
And now they're like,
Oh my gosh,
What happened?
Where did all the other people go that I was like on this same channel with?
I'm now on this different channel.
There's some of them still here and some of them,
I don't,
We're on two totally different stations and remembering,
As I've mentioned,
Probably a billion times,
Not about judging someone if they're on a different station,
But we have the opportunity to sit with ourselves a little and just see where we're at,
Notice what we're doing.
Otherwise the frequency is that subconscious driver and we might not even recognize the music that we're listening to.
When we don't also allow this opportunity with self to become our primary person,
It would be like showing up on a first date and you show up and maybe you've never really met the person.
Maybe you're texting a bit.
Maybe you've had a couple of phone conversations,
Whatever people do,
And you then show up in person and show up and you're like,
Oh my goodness,
I am so happy to finally meet you.
I have so much baggage with me from my past relationship,
From my scarce stuff I've been carrying around for years and man,
I'm so happy to meet you because I cannot wait for you to fix all this for me.
Kind of heavy,
Right?
How would you receive that?
How would you feel placing that on someone that maybe you don't even really know,
Right?
This is kind of like a first date,
But we subconsciously or we even sometimes consciously and non-spoken are doing that.
It's reminding me of a movie.
I think it was in the nineties,
95,
96.
Maybe it was Jerry Maguire.
That was the name.
And there was this piece in the movie.
How old was I?
I'm going to try to figure this out real quick.
So I'm going to say it was like 96.
So I was 31 and there was this part in the movie that he says to whoever this partner,
I can't remember those details,
But like he says to this person that he's in this connection with,
You complete me.
There's more around it,
But that was like the,
Ooh,
That everyone clung to.
And I remember all these people being like,
Oh,
That's so beautiful.
He said she completes him.
And I just remember being like,
Oh,
Interesting.
I don't resonate with that at all.
I see it more like,
Well,
See it now and sell it then more like how I'm teaching right now.
This notion of us being our primary person,
Not placing it on someone else to do our inner work and other people,
Other connections,
Relationships,
Partnerships,
They are beautiful blessings and additions to our lives.
And it doesn't also mean that we have to have everything in our life healed before we can connect with another person.
This is about us knowing and understanding who we are and not showing up like that first date.
And we might not speak that way,
But we are moving sometimes through life that way,
Placing all of it on someone else or thinking about this idea that if we stay busy enough,
The healing will just happen.
When we do these things,
Any of those that I mentioned,
But this larger notion,
Because there's other things,
Sure,
That we also might move into,
Addiction cycles,
Habits,
Numbing out behavior,
Overload,
Download of information so that we can keep ourselves in a confused state.
So there's many different ways that we're avoiding this sitting with self.
But when we do any of those things and we're showing up over and over again,
Well,
It keeps this fragmentation going of our mental and emotional health,
Our spiritual health,
And also our physical body.
If we're tapping out,
If we are removing ourselves from ourselves,
Sometimes people will work really hard at disconnecting from their physical body,
Especially when it comes to connection with emotion.
There are high levels of disassociation that one might get into,
Really high on levels of trauma or fear or high panic attacks,
Things like that,
That we can really disassociate.
Even in the trauma system,
I have it notated to talk about this because I think it's really a helpful thing for people to understand the four different ways our body moves through a traumatic experience.
But in the last level of that,
It's this collapse situation and system where we can really be disassociated.
So there's these high levels like that,
But there's also really low levels of disassociation.
Think about times of where you're so up here in the mind that you forget that you're here in the present.
You could be in a conversation and you're like,
Oh,
Zoned out,
Zoned back in.
I missed like five sentences or I missed five minutes.
Or maybe in a classroom trying to listen as a student.
Or the autopilot situations where we're driving and then we arrive,
We're like,
I don't remember the last bit of my drive.
Those are low levels of disassociation,
Disconnecting,
Disengaging from self.
And if we are moving through life that way,
It's important to also recognize that means that's how we're moving through life in our physical body,
In our emotional body,
In our mental body,
And our connection with self and others.
A large part of emotion regulation and awareness of circumstance situation is within our body.
And if we're tapped out and not paying attention or we're tuned in to just certain parts,
It will elevate other areas.
You know,
The tuned in,
So if our heart starts racing a bit and now we're super focused there,
People can create and spike into a panic attack.
They'll talk themselves into all these things that are happening in the body.
We might even connect to body,
But we're just honing in in a way that's not really supporting the full system.
Or we'll zone in on one particular emotion and that's the only one we'll use and we forget that there's a whole system there to help support and guide us.
When we're not tapped into body,
We're not recognizing where we're starting to elevate,
How things are starting to lift,
And then people will often tell me,
Well,
I go from zero to 100 in my emotion.
There's a lot happening before the 100,
But when we're not tapped in,
We don't notice.
We have our felt sense,
Our inner knowing,
Our intuition.
It's important to get to know what that is and what that feels like so that we're not confusing fear body for intuitive awareness.
All these things that help us develop and become our primary person.
And when we as a collective begin to do this,
So many healthy connections will continue to be cultivated and blossomed.
Frequency channel and where we at.
I'm going to share just some tools here to help you maybe in digesting and processing this information.
A key tool is about awareness.
Thinking about the things that I just mentioned here throughout this episode,
But if you're not familiar with your connection style,
Then you might also want to check out episode 57.
The first part will go through how you might pivot away from self or in self when you're connecting with others.
And then episode 68 is about six different connection styles and different looping systems we might find ourselves in there.
I also talk about looping styles over on Serenity Wellness Tools.
So you're also welcome to pop over there and I'll have some links below.
Awareness,
Awareness,
Awareness is key.
And then you can maybe have some time of contemplation around some of these questions.
One might be having a little bit of time to think about what you might be fearing or avoiding.
It could be something like that silence I mentioned,
Or it even might be fear of a heart-based connection.
You know,
Oh,
I got hurt before.
I don't want to get hurt again,
So let me just put walls up around all people.
But those are also opportunities,
Those types of connections that we've had,
Any kind of connection we've had.
Another area that you can start to look at is when you notice what you might be fearing or avoiding,
Noticing how you support that.
What do you do in life or how are you moving through life that helps you support the fear or build that or helps you support the avoidance?
Maybe it's those habits,
Those maybe even addiction habits that help us to tap out,
Numb out.
Maybe it's the walls that you notice that you're putting up.
Maybe it's even the ways that we can communicate with others.
Sometimes people will get into self-sabotaging where they might start feeling like things are going kind of smooth in life,
And then they get really fearful of that or uncomfortable.
So they'll sabotage and maybe end up saying things or behaving in ways that will help to break connections that are moving towards things they might even desire or want.
I mentioned it about it in one of those how if it's not a way that we're familiar with being loved,
Experiencing love,
Then we might move away from it,
Even if it's the type of connection and love that we're desiring.
Another thing is to think about these areas of pain and if they are related to different relationship dynamics that you have found yourself in.
All of our connections are teaching experiences for ourselves.
Even if we have been in some really heavy,
Even abusive relationships,
It still is giving us some understanding of who we are and what's happening with us.
If we were in an abusive relationship,
That's the understanding and looking at self.
When you're getting back into place of healing and feeling safe for exploration,
Of recognizing where was I there?
What made me allow myself to be treated in that way?
And it might have been not knowing how to get out,
Not knowing what support to find,
Or it might have been a sense of this is what I deserve,
I'm unworthy,
Or it could have been a subconscious driver of,
Well,
That's how I knew love to be based off my family or my upbringing or this,
That,
Or the other.
Everything is this teaching experience within ourselves,
But also within our body system.
The closer the connection,
The more fragments that we collect and that we hold from our connections and relationships with others.
If you are having sexually intimate connections with someone,
You are collecting fragments in a way that will always be with you.
And those fragments are their energy,
Their emotion,
The person,
The person,
Not the person we imagine them to be or want them to be.
So the more intimate the connection,
The more fragments.
And if you're having sexual intercourse in some way,
Those fragments are there for good.
So just keep that in mind.
Another area of avoidance or fear we might notice is this experience of being in our body around emotion.
And in that,
You might ask yourself,
What is it that I fear there?
What makes me have this level of discomfort that would make me do maybe any of those things I had mentioned as a way to avoid being there?
And what would it take?
What would I need?
What type of support system might I gain?
I mentioned about some of those support system ideas earlier.
What would my support system look like,
Be like for me to recognize and know and trust that my body is a safe container to stay in,
To be in,
And to work on loving and healing?
And finally,
Another area could be about who you are.
Often times for many people,
If we have not spent any time with trying to figure out or even considering the notion of being our primary person,
We may find that we don't really know who we are.
People will explain it to me like they have no idea what passions they have,
Interests they have.
I mentioned music earlier.
I don't know what kind of music I like,
Don't know what interests,
Passion,
Anything,
Skills I have,
Just kind of this lost fragmented sense of self.
If you find that to be you,
Perhaps spending a little time there with yourself to figure out and see what you forget.
We all have all those things I just mentioned within us,
But sometimes they're lost in this like dense fog and we have to move through them.
Part of this,
I'm trying to think of the best way to describe this without getting into too much of a description,
But when we're not working on healing these pieces of self,
Parts of self,
Then it stores in our energy body,
Particularly in the sacral area,
Which is two inches below your belly button.
In that area,
It holds these emotions like anxiety,
Depression,
Ours,
And past generational trauma,
But it's also creativity and our intuition.
Intuition is here as well,
But that gut feeling.
We have all this storage,
Think of this river running through and the energy body and this storage of rocks kind of clogging up the system.
Well,
Then creativity,
Inspiration,
Inspiration is up here,
But creativity,
Intuition,
And desired intimacy are going to be all kind of blocked up there.
And that's not the only way because all energy body is communicating,
But just know that the storage of things,
These rocks,
It interferes with us having space for light to shine into our awareness of what's really there,
What lies within the creativity.
So maybe you just first start with one thing.
Like,
What's your thing?
What do you want your thing to be?
It could be anything.
It's your thing.
It could be like you want to have a whole wall full of chia pets.
It could be the most random thing.
What do you want your thing to be and what might you gain from adding that into your life?
Gain in mental health,
Emotional health,
But also potentially how it might create more inspiration and more kind of opening of light into your body system and creativity in the future.
Some episodes,
I can't remember what,
But I have talked about how we will think we need motivation for movement,
But we really can just start with movement and then the movement opens motivation.
That applies to all that I just spoke about today.
If you are in a partnership,
Allow yourself some time to communicate about what you find in this self-exploration.
Share your thoughts,
Share your emotions,
Share your findings with your partner.
Sometimes people will say people talk too much when they're sharing their thoughts and emotions.
This is someone sharing their most intimate parts of their being with you,
How you think and how you feel and sharing that is a very vulnerable thing to do.
So you can share that and if you're receiving that from your partner,
Maybe really receive it with open arms through the heart space and know that that is a vulnerable sharing of self with another.
You might also share with them like what is that thing,
What is your thing that you want to bring into life and share with them how it's going to bring personal gain,
But also maybe even share how it might have gained within the connection and relationship.
If you're feeling good,
You know,
If you're feeling connected to you,
It's going to impact how you're showing up,
How you're connecting.
If you're not in a partnership and you're in a healing place or maybe you have no desire for any relationship at all,
All are okay,
We're all where we're at,
But you can really use this as a time for self-exploration and healing.
If you're in the in-between where you're single and you desire a partnership again in the future,
Really allow yourself this pocket of time to have some healing to determine what channel you're turned into,
What frequency you want to go out there with when you're thinking about connections with other people.
And you can even decide what that time length might look like for you.
So you decide what's right for you.
We're all different.
Find your support.
Find some of the answers maybe to some of those questions and let yourself realize that through the healing,
There's a beautiful part on the other side.
Healing is heavy sometimes we have to kind of get through the fog,
But once that fog clears,
There's a lot there that you might not be witnessing within yourself right now.
As always,
Thanks so much for being here with me and sharing space.
Please hit that subscribe button and I will see you again real soon.
Have a good one.
