166 Integrating The King Archetype Feat. Patrick H.

Patrick H. from Germany returns to the podcast to fill us in on his life since his return to dating post-celibacy, and now in a new kind of relationship. If you’re a man with a history of unfulfilling relationships, choosing the wrong women, or general Nice Guy BS, listen to this one.

We cover his roadmap of transformation in the last 18 months, changing of archetypes, how to use your body to recognize truth, narcissistic PD, and what it really means to be King.

Transcript

I think I've had about a hundred guests on my podcast,

Rough estimate.

The most messages I've ever gotten about a guest is you,

Still.

People keep messaging because I think your story when you were on episode 140 resonated with a lot of guys.

I know a lot of guys,

I don't know if anyone's emailed you because I gave your contact to someone,

But I think it resonated with a lot of people and I think a lot of people wanted to know,

How have you been since the last time you were on?

How have you been since the last time you were on?

Yeah,

First of all,

That's really cool to hear.

Indeed,

I received an email from somebody that you forwarded to me.

He was also telling me that he was inspired by my story and wanted to know how I did it and all this transformation,

As people like to call it.

And I've been really good.

I think the last time we were talking,

I was just getting into dating.

So,

It was,

I think,

Kind of roughly one year.

Okay,

I thought it was less than that.

Yeah,

No,

No,

It was one year ago.

I think it was around New Year's last year.

And so,

I spent six more months dating and now I have a girlfriend since some months.

Cool.

Yeah.

How's that been?

So,

You've basically gone through two transitions.

You went from celibacy into dating into.

.

.

Into relationship.

Yeah.

I just needed the celibacy to feel like I'm not needy of external validation or validation by women.

And I think that made me more relaxed for the dating world because I have never really dated before.

I've never really entered the dating world and installed Tinder and these apps,

Which I did after my celibacy.

And that's also when we were talking last year and I started to get into the dating world.

And I indeed was very relaxed when I started dating.

That made things much more easy for me.

Of course,

I think at the beginning,

I was nervous because I had still these thoughts like,

Will women like me?

And yeah,

The normal worries that you might have if you're a bit insecure about your attractiveness to women.

Would you say that you were relaxed because celibacy showed you you didn't need women?

Or are there other factors?

I think it's because of that,

Because I filled all my time for six months only with activities that had nothing to do with women at all.

I really forbid myself to talk to women,

Think of dating,

Think of sex,

Think of anything that has to do with females.

I was doing a lot of sports myself,

Hobbies,

And I felt like,

Okay,

I really like the guy that I have become.

I like my life.

I feel very agency,

Like it's all in my hands and I don't need anything to prove me even more that I'm a man or that I'm cool or whatever.

I did not need anything to prove me that or anyone,

Let's say.

And so when I entered the dating world,

I was still nervous,

But I thought like,

Okay,

You know what?

You know what?

I'm cool anyway.

So if they reject me,

I will not crawl.

Actually,

I still thought like,

Okay,

I'll try it.

Maybe it works out.

Maybe it doesn't.

I was a bit nervous,

But then I thought like,

Okay,

What is the consequence?

Where do I fall down to?

If I fall,

I just fall on my life's cool.

I think that's what the red pill community also tries to teach,

Right?

To get a bit detached from the female validation.

Yeah,

Because it's one thing to spiritually be like,

Oh,

I'm going to be detached from outcome.

But if you're not feeling complete,

Of course,

You're going to be attached to outcome.

Like there's no.

.

.

Absolutely.

Exactly.

I think that people also like to fool themselves a bit about that.

But yeah,

Somehow I think I went quite far on that road.

I don't know if I have achieved it perfectly.

I don't want to say that I was absolutely enlightened and completely detached from that,

But I was pretty much detached and happy with my life.

So dating was a cool experience for me.

I did not have any problems to meet women.

And I also met my now girlfriend quite at the beginning of my dating phase.

And in the end,

When we were talking about,

Or because we always kept meeting,

And even if I met one other girl or one other girl,

It was still her I had this connection with.

So I kept dating my now girlfriend for a longer time.

And she asked me from time to time if I could imagine having a relationship with her.

And I always said no,

Because I want to meet and date,

Or have the possibility to date other girls.

And I was really enjoying being free.

And because I came out of such a very,

Very hard and destructive relationship,

The year before,

I swore to myself to never really get caught up by women in the spiderweb again,

So to speak.

And I told her that,

That I don't want to get back into the spiderweb.

And I think I was in a place where also a lot of red pill guys stay for years,

Telling each other,

You know,

Like,

Yeah,

Women are,

You know,

Bad,

Because they maybe have gone through an abusive or bad relationship,

Like I did and experienced the dark side of femininity,

Like what women can do to your psyche,

And feel so disillusioned and so betrayed by women that they say,

Like,

Oh,

I will never be in a committed relationship ever again.

I might date but I will never commit.

Yeah,

The whole MGTOW.

Yeah,

Exactly.

Yeah.

And it's understandable that you become avoidant.

And I was certainly avoidant.

And I did.

You know,

That led me to say like,

Oh,

No,

You know,

If you're avoidant,

You can always doubt the women around you.

You're like,

Okay,

No,

She's not the right one.

She's not the right one.

She's not the right one.

And then last summer,

It came just this conversation that we had that my now girlfriend told me,

You know what,

I understand that you don't want to commit.

I totally respect you,

Because you've been always honest and I really respect you as a person.

But this is my boundary.

I can't go on like this.

Like I either we go into a relationship,

Or it's or we can't meet anymore.

And I said,

Like,

Cool.

This is your opinion.

But I don't want to go into a relationship.

I told you from the beginning.

So that's the deal.

And bye.

Yeah,

So just just to frame the so like,

Around this time last year,

You started seeing your now girlfriend,

You're dating many other women as well and honest about it.

And then six months in,

This is when this happened.

Exactly.

The time bomb,

If you will.

Yeah.

After six months,

She said,

Like,

You know,

I know you told me that you're also seeing other girls.

And I told you that it's fine.

But I feel more and more connection to towards you.

And it hurts me right now really a lot.

That's yeah,

That's that that we are not getting deeper and and and we're still we're still not really,

You know,

Moving any deeper.

And I don't want to do it like this anymore.

And so I said,

Like,

OK,

I will.

But I will stick to my words.

Right.

So I told you that I don't want to have a monogamous relationship with one woman or commit or have a bond in any way.

So I'm off by.

I mean,

It was sad.

And actually,

We cried because we liked each other very,

Very much.

And we liked each other also so much.

And I liked her so much because I felt like I can talk openly to her.

She's very supportive towards me,

Very much.

Strengthening my way.

So always when I said no to her,

I said,

Like,

I have to be honest to you,

I can't commit.

She said,

Like,

I like that about you.

I like,

You know,

Even if you say no towards me,

I respect that you're honest with me.

And I think you're really,

Really great man.

And so it was really hard to leave her.

And two weeks after that,

We just casually called.

And I said,

Like,

You know what?

Fuck it.

And after the call,

Which was very emotional,

It made click.

And I really in the same moment,

I just went to my app,

Said even to some to girls,

You know what about next weekend?

I'm out.

I can't see you,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And I just deleted all the apps.

And I decided in that moment,

This is my woman.

I knew it.

I really knew it.

I made a decision.

I said,

Like,

No.

And whatever I said before,

No commitment.

And I will never get back into a relationship.

I said,

Like,

This was just a feeling.

This did not come from my head,

But just came from my body.

And the decision from back then proved now to be perfect.

Absolutely accurate.

Awesome.

And I think it's actually more romantic and perhaps more perfect on your end that you said no first.

Because if you said yes immediately,

Basically,

She cries,

You said yes,

That would be your old pattern.

And you would never be sure.

And she would never be sure.

Because you just basically gave in to her emotional play.

But that's what it was.

That's on point.

That's absolutely on point what you say,

Because that's what I told her.

Because when we broke up first,

And I said,

Like,

I can't commit,

I said,

Like,

If I commit to you now,

I would just give in to your crying.

You cry,

You make me sad.

And then I would not know if I would choose you out of bad consciousness,

Out of bad feeling that I feel sorry for you or for us.

And I would never really be sure myself if I would have proactively decide myself for you.

So when we broke up,

And then we were calling two weeks later,

I said to her,

You know what?

Can you meet tomorrow?

And she was like,

Yeah.

Okay,

Yeah,

Let's meet tomorrow.

Next day,

We met.

And I told her,

I want you.

I'm not seeing any other girls.

And she was like,

Very surprised.

She was like,

What's what's happening?

I said,

Like,

I'm sure.

I'm sure.

And she's like,

Patrick,

It's absolutely fine if you don't want to commit,

You know,

And said,

Like,

No,

Listen to me.

I'm sure.

I'm sure of what I'm saying.

I'm 100% sure.

And I felt that I'm now I am choosing her.

And I know what I'm doing.

And now also,

Six months later,

Almost,

I feel like,

Yeah,

This is my decision.

I'm not a slave towards the emotions of a woman or her wants and needs.

But I myself made the decision.

That's awesome.

So you're okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So how have been the last six months?

Relaxed.

Yeah,

Just relaxed.

It's amazing.

Like,

Because I had a hell of a relationship before,

And with a lot of chaos,

And me trying to,

To tame the dragon,

Which was,

You know,

The picture of my girlfriend I had at that time,

I don't want to talk badly about her.

But she was,

She had her issues.

And I had the same,

You know,

It's just complimentary,

You know,

If you search,

You search what you need,

Basically,

And I needed a lot of shit and pain in my life to wake up.

So,

And now that I don't need any pain to wake up anymore.

I attracted a calm soul,

A very soft woman who works with kids,

Who is my support number one,

Who strengthens my masculinity,

Who is,

Yeah,

We can talk eye to eye and still she admires me.

So it's,

It's,

It's really cool.

That's awesome.

What would you say to yourself of two years ago about relationship?

I would say to myself that you don't need to struggle and fight to prove yourself that you're a man.

At least not in a relationship that that's because this was basically my pattern.

I defined myself through fixing women and being the savior,

Which is basically was my my narrative.

When you talk about psychology and also about I don't want to get too deep into narcissism,

But if you have an idea of yourself and a narrative of yourself in which you paint yourself the hero,

You can ask yourself,

What is my narrative?

How do I want to see myself?

And back then in relationships,

I wanted to see myself as the white knight rescuing poor women or chaotic women.

And I would tell myself,

Drop the narrative,

Really drop it.

You're not a knight.

No one asked you to rescue anyone.

This is just your narrative.

And you don't need drama to prove yourself that you're a man.

Yeah,

I do want to get into that because like it seems like every so often there's a new psych term that becomes very popular,

Like attachment theory,

Which I like.

It's a useful model was very popular in relationship content for a while.

And then narcissistic personality disorder.

I hear all the time.

In fact,

Anytime I'm speaking to someone,

Man or woman who has a troubled relationship,

They're always like,

Oh,

Yeah,

I was dating a narcissist.

And they tell me all the the 10 bullet points from the blog article.

This is a narcissist.

And in a way,

I do feel like not that it's wrong,

But it seems like a way of detaching from your responsibility in the relationship.

Whereas what you're saying,

Would you say that it takes a narcissist to date a narcissist?

Not necessarily,

But it would take.

To people who are not.

Not good themselves,

Who are not fully integrated or who are not grown to do this dance.

And I would not even call my ex-girlfriend a narcissist.

I just would call myself.

Call myself.

So.

From what I understand is that if you don't.

If you are not in yourself happy with who you are,

You need to decorate this.

You invent a persona,

A fake self.

That is.

You name it strong,

Cool,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

Has a hot girlfriend,

Whatever.

But this person is not you.

And in my case,

I just said that I basically kind of was narcissistic in a way,

Because you know,

If you feel like you're an empath or empathic person and you can fix people.

This not narcissistic in my terms is.

The person of the savior that you create you or I,

What I did is.

I was not happy with who I am.

So I created this fake persona,

Patrick.

Patrick,

Whose superpower is to understand broken women,

To help them master their life and overcome problems.

So basically what I call narcissistic is.

This fake self that I was this fake persona of a women rescuer.

You know,

And that's what I call narcissistic.

I don't say that that I wasn't.

I'm not getting into like personality disorders in here,

But what I ultimately did is I questioned this fake self and said,

Like,

Do I really need to be a knight or see myself as a hero that rescues women in order to feel good with myself?

And so I did build this whole fake persona.

And now,

Really,

I don't need to prove myself anything.

What was it like?

Because,

You know,

That persona was a part of your identity,

Right?

Especially in really in dating,

Let's say.

Yeah.

What was it like not having it and like not basically having less structure to your identity?

Can you repeat that question?

I did not get exactly what you mean.

I think.

Yeah,

Like you use this persona to interact with women,

Let's say.

It was like part of what you brought to the table.

Exactly.

This persona was very understanding and very,

Very empathic,

Almost female.

Like,

Oh,

Yeah,

I get you,

You know.

Yeah.

So when you started dating again a year ago,

What was it like showing up without?

Like,

Did you have a new identity or did you feel identity-less?

I felt without protection.

And this is the thing.

If you're broken,

If your so-called core or your core identity is somehow insecure,

This narcissistic fake self,

This persona is like an armor.

Yeah.

So some people go to the gym to have an armor that shows,

You know,

Like,

I'm strong,

You know.

But talk to the tough guys,

The tattooed tough guys.

They have sometimes they've gone through shit in their childhood.

And so when you talk to them,

They say,

Like,

I go to the gym,

I look aggressive.

I look like this because I feel like really shit inside.

At least I had some of these conversations.

And so I felt skinless.

I felt protection-less,

Dating without being this savior.

So in some conversations,

I really struggled.

I really got emotional.

I got triggered.

And I had to be really real because I had to tell the women at some points,

You know,

Like,

Oh,

I'm sorry,

I don't know how to cope with that.

Or,

You know,

I'm about to cry and I'm sorry,

I might seem stupid.

You know,

I was really honest even about my insecurities.

And I told them,

You know,

I feel stupid right now.

Or I feel like I'm talking bullshit.

Am I,

You know,

Actually,

You would say I did not seem very not always very comfortable all the time.

But I was real all the time.

That is the only thing I can tell you.

I was real all the time.

What would you say to someone who is in that phase,

They're afraid to be skinless,

And they're tempted to go back to their old persona?

Just fight it.

I fought it by writing my principles,

My rules.

I had a set of rules like speak your truth.

For these phases,

Jordan Peterson helps a lot.

If you want to build up principles and write those principles down,

And really smack yourself in your head when you transgress and you cheat on your principles.

When you become a nice guy again,

When you try to fix and save a woman again.

Just say like,

I talked to myself,

I said,

Like,

What are you talking?

You're talking after her mouth.

You try to manipulate and seem nice.

And you say,

Oh,

Yeah,

I also like that film.

You've never watched it.

And so what I did is then stupid.

But then I was very nervous.

And I said,

Then,

By the way,

About the film that we talked about.

And she said,

Yeah.

I said,

That sounds very stupid.

But I lied.

I've never watched it.

I just tried to be cool.

And she was like,

That's weird,

But it's funny.

And yeah,

That's,

You know,

You get positive feedback.

People really respect your balls.

If you have the balls to be real.

Because today,

If you are real,

You are the person you are really.

Yeah,

It's the opposite of skinless.

You are really,

Really there.

So I want to talk about attracting.

Types of people,

I mean,

Because like in the law of attraction world,

This is idea that you attract what you are and your persona,

Your previous persona.

Was really good at attracting a certain type of woman like your ex,

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you were drawn to that.

Whereas that persona probably wouldn't have attracted your current girlfriend.

And in fact,

It was the skinless realness that.

Gained her respect,

Right?

100%.

The persona of before.

Was fake.

Was a shell.

So I attracted also women who were the same.

Complementary,

Maybe in their own way,

But,

You know,

Like different,

But same in a way.

And I absolutely agree that skinless and true and healthy.

I attracted a very honest and healthy soul myself.

And then the reverse also,

Because actually what made me want to invite you on again.

Is I guess a couple of months ago we were catching up and you said something.

And I don't have exactly what you said,

But something like.

In the past,

You felt like you needed to be with maybe traumatic,

Interesting woman because you weren't interested in your own life.

Can you actually say,

Do you remember what you said to me?

I said,

If you,

If you're a boring man,

You need an interesting woman.

And if an interesting man,

You don't.

Yeah.

Which I thought was very interesting because actually if you don't mind sharing,

I think around a year ago we were speaking and there was a woman in your life that was very much like your ex.

Yeah.

And she was kind of throwing herself at you and you found yourself losing interest,

Right?

Yeah,

Exactly.

Exactly.

It's,

It's,

It's,

It's that I,

I,

I met a girl that was very much like my ex girlfriend and I still felt the old chemistry.

So my fake self was already ready to,

To,

To bond with her or to get closer to her.

But my body and everything in my body really pushed and rejected that.

And because I felt like my old fake self wants to bond with her and it would have matched in a toxic way or in a detrimental way.

But being different now,

I could not,

I could not get close to this woman.

It was impossible.

When did you notice that it wasn't turning you on?

Um,

I noticed,

I can tell from my experience that your body is,

Knows what's good for you and what's not good for you.

So if you close down your rational thinking,

Which says,

Oh,

She's beautiful.

She's a PhD in ocean science,

Whatever,

You know,

These are just things to decorate your fake self with,

You know,

Like your fake self things like,

Ah,

This type of woman would decorate this version that I created.

You know,

Like it would be cool if my fake self is with a woman who is a model at the agency XY,

Or who is a PhD in what,

Or is an author,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

But these things don't mean nothing.

If this person is compatible to you,

It means nothing.

It just means something to decorate your fake self with.

And,

But if you've healed or you start healing and your body will tell you like my body was,

I was,

I was getting sick being with her.

My heart started racing,

But not in a good way.

Um,

My libido was down.

I was not sexually attracted to her.

Even,

Even if,

Even if I would have thought in my,

Or I did think rationally,

She's beautiful.

She's a beautiful woman.

She would be great decoration.

If you would be with your guys,

They would all tell to your fake self,

Man,

You have attracted a really hot woman.

You know,

This is what you maybe rationally would think and from your old patterns,

But your body tells you not wholesome,

Not healthy,

Not good,

You know?

And so I feel like I want to throw up.

But when you weren't healed,

That would have turned you on and drawn you in.

Right?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Because I would only think,

Wow,

If you know,

I have,

Um,

I have written down something regarding this.

It all comes down to the question.

How do you define yourself?

Is there anything you lack?

So if you think that you are not attractive and women find,

Don't find you attractive,

What do you need?

Rationally,

You need to find an attractive woman to decorate yourself with and to show yourself and the other people around you that you are indeed attractive.

If you feel that you lack in status,

What are you searching?

Maybe a woman that has a PhD in ocean science,

Because you think that academic degrees make you,

You know,

Like it's all about what do you lack?

What do you want?

What do you need from,

From these women to give you?

But if you're healthy and you are the man yourself and a person that has grown from the inside,

What do you need?

Really?

You need a woman that is independent of yourself.

That is an own person that is willing to support the man that you are not to,

To,

To,

To be your jewelry or to decorate you and signal something to the outside,

But to just support the man that you truly are to see that man and to say like,

Hey,

You know what?

I'm going to be the mom of your kids.

I will take care of your kids.

I will be there when you come home after a long day of work.

I support you.

And that's it.

Yeah.

You said something last time we spoke.

I think you're using an analogy like your current girlfriend's the type of woman who will hop on the back of your motorcycle and go wherever you go.

Whereas maybe before you wanted to get on the motorcycle,

You wanted to get on the back of someone else's motorcycle.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I,

I was looking up to the women,

Like,

Please,

You know,

Like,

Give me something of your charm of your appearance of whatever I want to be part of your world.

Now,

My girlfriend's part of my world.

What would you say to someone who is maybe listening to this?

He's like you a couple of years ago and he like understands it,

But still the other kind of woman is what turns them on.

And the other than the woman that maybe is good for him,

Who would really support him.

I don't know.

For some reason,

It's just boring.

He's just not drawn to her.

Like,

What would you say to that person?

Honestly,

I have,

I have thought about that.

And I,

I'm not really sure if you need a time where you really suffer.

I don't know if you can skip that,

Actually,

I would say be on your own.

So like,

Let's,

Let's try to,

To,

To,

To go that way.

If you want to avoid the pain,

But and then find a healthy relationship.

Like I have now be on your own and be cool with yourself.

Like I did my celibacy and then date again and see what happens.

But to be honest,

I think you will always be attracted until you get really crushed and,

And really destroyed and,

And then wake up.

I think it sounds cynical,

But I think sometimes you need to be punched so hard in the face that you wake up.

So,

You know,

Because I,

Before when I was younger,

I was not attracted by normal girls,

By ordinary girls.

So even if I started dating an ordinary girl or being with one,

I was still craving for the,

For the crazy ones.

I was still with her and looking after the crazy,

You know,

I don't want to say but you know,

I was still craving.

I found these women.

Who are you going to say?

The bitches?

Yeah,

Crazy bitches.

I found,

I found problematic women to be sexy.

So sexy is the thing that you,

That you have not integrated yourself.

So there are two ways.

Either you,

You date the women that have what you lack.

They have the strength,

They have the chaos,

They have the darkness that you have not integrated yourself.

So you try to get it from them until,

Until you're completely burned out.

And then you develop the darkness in yourself and you integrate yourself or,

And I don't know how to do that actually,

Because I have not done it.

You stay away from these girls and from what attracts you,

But you have to be really strong to do that and try to develop and to find out,

Okay,

What do these girls possess that I want to own from them?

And try to develop this yourself.

Is it sexuality?

Is it,

Is it nastiness?

Is it assertiveness?

Is it masculinity?

Maybe,

Right?

You did kind of do that though,

Right?

During your celibacy period.

Cause I'm remembering now,

Like,

Uh,

Well,

Let's say it was your slave archetype that was drawn to these chaotic women.

And when you and I were speaking,

Like the,

The name that came,

That the term that kept coming up was to integrate your dark King.

Yeah.

Which is kind of what maybe you were grasping for like the dark,

The dark leader in,

Uh,

In these other women.

And then you integrated it eventually.

And you don't need a woman who possesses that now.

It's true.

It's true.

Through my celibacy.

And also while we were working together,

First of all,

I did the 21 days masculinity arc,

No,

Your challenge,

Archetype challenge.

Exactly.

This is the first,

First thing actually I did to reconnect with myself and,

And,

And find out about my masculinity because it was,

It was buried deep down.

And,

Um,

I did sports myself and I did aggressive sports myself.

I challenged myself.

So there are ways where you can find those things that you search in women.

Right.

So there are definitely ways.

But as I said,

Maybe when you're young,

It,

It is not so obvious that you just do it yourself.

Right.

Because it's more obvious to get drawn into those relationships.

You're horny.

So you just follow the girls that you,

You find horny and you don't really overthink that until so yeah,

It's,

It is possible.

Like we did it together and working together,

But yeah,

I was saying that you probably wouldn't have started that journey if you didn't get punched in the face hard enough.

Yeah.

Okay.

Cause that is the thing,

You know,

When people I've gotten a lot of messages from listeners of like,

Well,

How did Patrick do it?

Because everyone wants everyone in that situation obviously wants to go through your transformation.

And the only thing I've said,

Which I don't know if we said in the last episode,

But I think it's the truth.

It's like you progress very quickly because you really went into your pain.

It's like,

You were getting punched and you're like,

Okay,

I think you leaned into it.

And like,

You can't not change either.

You're going to die.

You're going to change when you put yourself in that situation.

Whereas people I've seen,

Unfortunately,

Who kind of drag out that transformation period for years,

It's like,

They're still avoiding it.

They're,

You know,

They're finding some comfort that avoids the pain.

And then they never really get to have the transformation.

Exactly.

Yeah.

That's also,

I read a,

I read a quote about psychologists saying psychologists do a great job,

But often they just,

Um,

Um,

How do you say,

Uh,

Band aid over the,

Over the wounds.

But what people actually need is basically pain so hard that they wake up and not go back to sleep.

Because if they go to psychologists and they give them some coping strategies,

They maybe stay with that girlfriend or they stay in that bad place and never really wake up.

Yeah.

Well,

They also stay going to the psychologist for years.

Yeah.

So I guess it's a better business model for them.

It's true.

Yeah.

Cool,

Man.

So what is,

Cause I am curious about your relationship because obviously everyone has a honeymoon period and maybe you had two honeymoon periods.

I don't know when you first started seeing each other before you committed,

And maybe I'm sure there was a high after the very romantic experience of breaking up and then coming back,

You know,

But of course everyone goes into a more let's say normal,

Normalized relationship life.

How has that been?

The thing is I never really felt completely crazy intoxicated from the beginning.

So the transition was not so hard into this more or less normal,

Stable relationship.

It was never this high and low,

This like crazy,

Crazy making,

Crazy in love and then really,

Really low fighting and shouting,

I never want to see you again and then making up again.

So it was always from the beginning when I was dating her,

It was really calm.

That was what made me think that she might be not the one because it was so calm,

Right?

So it was always so calm.

It was so calm.

It was always,

Felt always really good.

I always felt comfortable to be myself,

But I thought like,

Is this love?

Like,

Or is this,

What is this?

I just feel so super calm.

Nothing is like crazy.

And so I have to say we are the same,

Like actually since we're,

We've been dating,

I talk the same honest with her.

The connection is actually the same because from the beginning she allowed me to be exactly that.

So,

And also on the other side,

Sex is the same,

Great and exciting.

It stayed always,

Always the same.

Have you had desires to be single again?

No.

Really?

No.

Like just variety of women,

Anything like that,

That hasn't come up in you?

No.

And what helped is my decision because I made the decision and I talked to her about,

You know,

Like,

I don't know if we commit for years and years.

I don't know if people from time to time need something different,

You know,

Some variety of sex partners or whatever.

And she's like,

I can talk about it with her.

And she's like,

Yeah,

Might be like this.

And I feel like also open enough to talk about this with her if I would need something else at some point in my life.

But this is the great thing about agency and about really doing things wholeheartedly and making decisions.

I made a decision.

So I feel like,

Well,

You want this.

And if you don't want it,

You just say it.

So I think people often think that they are like babies and they are helpless and things dictate or the world or their girlfriends or whatever dictates them what to do.

I'm still free to see other women.

Like who will hold me back if I want to see other women?

But then,

Of course,

I would have to break up with her,

With my girlfriend or tell her or do something honest and really stick to my opinion.

But if you understand that everything you do is your own responsibility and you own your reality,

It takes away the wish to break out.

Because why would you break out from what prison?

No one imprisoned you.

It was your decision to be with your girlfriend and to want a family maybe with her.

So don't complain.

If you need to complain,

Do something about it.

Talk to her or whatever.

You are not a kid anymore.

That's beautiful.

So I'm remembering now.

I think you emailed me maybe I don't know how many months ago.

Something like you don't have any problems or you don't have quests.

I forget what you worded it as.

You used to have these kind of problems to work on.

I think you said your career is established.

Do you remember that email?

What's going on with that?

I think it was in summer when I was questioning my life because everything was smooth and everything went well.

I have a great girlfriend.

I have a great career.

Everything's fine.

So what about my purpose in life?

I think you answered well if you're fine and your life is great,

Maybe it's time to give to others and take responsibility for other people.

I'm really close to having my own family.

I don't know exactly when but my girlfriend and I are already talking about it because I'm so sure about it.

So that will be something in the next years.

I also do a training to become a therapist myself.

I'm starting a men's group probably in the next weeks and months and I will not only take care of my own family in the next years but I will probably start working with men to just share my view and just help men.

Cool man.

I think you'll do great at that.

Thanks.

I think I wrote that in the email.

I don't remember if I did.

To me that's what really defines the king archetype.

To just be like,

Oh I'm a king means nothing if you don't have a realm with other people in it.

That's what literally makes you,

Or I guess it's not literal,

It's metaphorical still but it's what makes you a king.

It's like you have people in your court because you've solved your own problems in your previous phase.

Yeah exactly.

I think that's what when you know that you're the alpha wolf because the alpha wolf does not eat first,

He eats last.

I don't know if that's true in the wolf world but yeah it's a nice idea.

Leave me the image,

I like it.

Yeah great.

That's how I see it.

Yeah you're gonna have a family soon you think?

I think so yeah.

In the next years maybe I want to travel with my girlfriend a bit before,

Enjoy time without kids for some time.

I'm basically ready for it and I think that's a good feeling.

Before I felt like a boy and now I really feel that I can be a father.

I actually already feel a father somehow and I feel like if you're too afraid to be responsible for yourself,

If you're too afraid to speak your own truth,

If you're unable to soothe yourself,

How will you be able to soothe your kids,

Take care of a family,

Take care of kids and take responsibility for other people if you can't even speak your own truth?

It's just yourself right?

It's just yourself.

If that is too much for you,

I don't think that you will be.

.

.

You can't.

I think you will not be a great father.

Yeah you will have troubles.

Yeah it's like,

I mean,

Well I've said this a few times on the podcast,

It's like all the principles that I'm discovering of fatherhood are the same exact things that are true for dating,

Relationships,

Being a man.

They're all the same but the stakes are higher because if you fuck up a lot of people can be affected,

Not just your own poor self.

Absolutely and I think that's a great task and also when people cite some studies that say like parenthood makes you less happy because you have less time,

Less money,

Less whatever.

I think like that might be the case for some people but I don't want happiness.

I want purpose and I want a task,

Something to.

.

.

With,

You know,

A purpose and for me taking responsibility for other people and for your family is a great purpose and it's beyond hedonistic lifestyle of yeah you know I want to travel there,

I want to date,

I want to do this,

Do that but at some point I think it's great.

I can just imagine maybe you can answer that to have a purpose to take care of other people.

Yeah and actually I think the thing you said which I've heard even from other parents comes from like this consumerist idea that it's always better to have more time,

More freedom,

More money.

Like that's kind of ingrained in all of us based on our culture but that's only recently that that was a human assumption.

Like our stone age ancestors,

They spent all their time surviving because that's what they needed to do and that they didn't think about oh I wish I had more free time to do what other other bullshit activity and that actually to answer your question,

You know,

There is obviously stress like there are times I want to do one thing because I'm used to being.

.

.

Most of my life I've been single right and then you know baby wife needs me and there is a conflict obviously at times but it has also been nice you know if all of the things I could possibly do with myself it's very clear what is important.

It's very clear like what will lead to real fulfillment more than whatever other activities.

It kind of narrows you down which is nice.

It kind of goes against the consumerist idea but like you spend your youth branching out and discovering things and it feels good to contract.

It feels good to come back to a point.

I believe that too.

Yeah,

Great.

Awesome man.

Is your men's group up online or anything?

Is there anything you want to promote or where people can contact you directly if they want to?

If people want to contact me,

I think the easiest way is if that's fine for you because I have not established anything,

No website,

No nothing.

You can definitely forward my email address,

Give it out to people who want to be in contact with me especially when you're in Germany or wherever in the world.

If you have any questions or whatever you can of course contact me.

Awesome.

Cool.

Your men's group's in Germany I assume?

Yeah,

Northern Germany.

I will establish that here.

Cool.

Actually I know a few people who might want to link up with you in Germany.

Great.

Yeah.

Cool man.

Anything else?

No,

I'm absolutely happy with the conversation.

It was very interesting as always.

Yeah.

Maybe we'll do this like every year,

Every January you can come on and update us.

Sounds awesome man.

Have a good one.

Bye.

Peace.