How To Deal With Inner Tension, Frustration, Anger

From the live session on the 7th November 2021. This was a very popular event with over 400 people showing up, I talked about ways to resolve tension inside and to take ownership of life and its challenges rather than letting life create tension for you. I also talk about your inner desires which are wishing to come out, but are being suppressed, this has caused a ton of tension for me, and I thought I had to relieve it, but instead, I had to listen to it. Write to me if you found this useful.

Transcript

Okay,

So this is such a popular topic because like I said we all have some sort of frustration,

Some sort of tension.

It builds up,

You know,

And you know what it was for me actually.

For me,

I lived in this state of trying to beat life and what I mean by trying to beat life is trying to outthink the future.

Overthink the future,

Overthink everything that's gonna happen.

Try to like,

Try to like get to a conclusion of what's gonna happen,

Right?

And it created so much tension.

Can any of you guys relate?

Do you feel tension when you're trying to like work out what might happen in the future or with a situation or with a person?

It's like things just bubble around in the head.

Yeah,

People are saying yes and it's like this is it's almost like this race course which is round and round and round running laps around.

There's no end to that.

So for me,

I was living in this state and then what that did,

You know,

The the more you try and find a solution the more it gets more tense and then your body gets involved because then you're signaling the body to say there's a danger,

There's a problem here guys.

We need to,

We need all hands on deck right now.

It's like the captain saying we need all hands on deck.

There's a problem.

You are thinking about this thing so we have to find a solution.

Now you're not finding a solution so there's danger here.

So then what happens?

Tension gets created.

The body's starting to go and fire itself up into fight-or-flight and that's that's really where I was living.

You know,

It's crazy to say that because I don't know maybe some of you guys can relate like feeling like you're living in fight-or-flight mode.

I used to go to work and then be anxious about work.

I used to be on the weekends the Friday came and I'll be like oh my god I'm free and then Sunday would be the worst nightmare because I'd be so like anxious about work again counting down the days and it wasn't just work it was this like feeling of not being adequate for work and then relationships the same came up and with everything actually everything just caused this feeling of I need to figure stuff out just constantly trying to figure stuff out never finding an answer so yeah I think that's generally where the tension comes from like this this thinking mode but why does thinking mode occur when it feels like there's a threat it feels like there's a danger coming you know I remember feeling this this like doom that's the only way I can describe it like feeling feeling that doomsday is about to occur with all sorts of things and for me it was heavily around social anxiety that's the term right that's those two words or the words that I I kept so close to me throughout most of my life actually I I was like I'm social anxiety that's me that's me does anyone else ever face social anxiety is basically this this he had dread like someone said of situations where there's people just people in general like thinking about the situation thinking about how I'm perceived thinking about what are they thinking I used to even go to the extent every time I went to a social I had a social coming up I would Google the place so I can try and imagine what it looks like and then picture myself being there and then picture like how I would approach this just to try and feel comfortable you know and I had all sorts of tactics a lot of it was avoidance as well yeah a few people are relating and a lot of it was avoidance of these situations because I I just I realized whoa actually here's a better solution I just don't go I just don't do it that felt way better I just don't put myself through this torture and that came in the form of other stuff as well it wasn't just social anxiety it came in the form of things like work pressure I would play small you know dim things down I'll dim myself I would dim my potential I wouldn't talk about like what I'm good at and it's funny because I I ask people now quite a lot quite often I say what are your strengths and it's such a if I've asked so many people and it's always some sort of hesitation comes up or it's like not fully owning the strengths you know not fully owning and not fully being like convinced of oneself and that's that's basically that that feeling that I was living enough like I have to I have to mold to other people so I fit in because I didn't feel like I fit it in right and if there's any pressure from work anything where I have to do performance even just like doing work even that type of performance like finishing tasks it would feel so stressful and there'll be this tension I'll be thinking about these tasks beforehand constantly constantly dread so it was like I was against myself and I think that's probably the the key here is it's like there's this inner war going on this inner war and this is and like I said this is not just about what we might call anxiety this is other stuff as well this is when we have doubts in relationships just thinking about oh what's what are they thinking how can like what am I missing all of this like thinking stuff going on it's just an inner war going on it's just not trusting that life is okay so of course that's gonna create tension in the body because that that's like a signal saying to oneself hey you have to be on edge it's not safe that person's not safe how you are being in this career is not safe these things with money that's not safe these things all of it is an unsafe so that's one side to this story of inattention and you can create all of this resentment you know because here's the thing here's really what's going on I think anyway like if I was to completely unravel this in a different way I think that there's also tension because we know that we are capable of better there's this knowing that hey this is not really the fullest version of me I'm dimming myself in a tiny way or a big way or many different ways so then again your soul whatever you want to call this your your the truth inside is bursting out it wants to come out but it feels like it's unsafe to come out so it's like this is in a box now shaking the cage saying let me out please the truth wants to come out your potential wants to come out all the time it's like if you look at life outside there's always life bursting from nature it's just how things work life wants to burst out it wants to grow doesn't matter what conditions are out there life will grow that's what's within us it wants to come out that's why I realized I was holding so much resentment against myself because I knew that these this anxiety all this stuff all this thinking mode was actually hindering me from fully being me so then that part of me that is fully me is like knocking on the door constantly but then the mind and the fears say hey go away you're not coming out it's not safe for you to be here the same thing like I said with relationships there's a part of us which wants to really deeply connect but then there's this other part which is like analyzing analyzing the next move analyzing what this person might be saying analyzing like what dangers there are and here's the bottom line that all of this stuff is based on the memories the beliefs the mind let's just call it so the first step is being aware of that is being aware that this mind is here and it's controlling us unconsciously because if you can see it then it's no longer unseen it's no longer hiding underneath the surface right that's why I think awareness is the number one or let's say the the first and probably the most important step in becoming free from your attention but here's what most people say I know why this is happening I might have had therapy I might have talked to my therapist about this and figured out the story behind it you know for me it was the story of when I was younger I didn't feel accepted so let's just yeah let's just leave it as that I didn't feel accepted as a human so I had to put a shell over myself generally that's what's happening to all of us we have to put a shell over the true self so then this true self is in here like I said before the cage it's like trying to get out it's like let me out of this this thing like what are you doing you're constricting me so it's always there it's always there so the way I work with people is I want to bring you to that I don't want to skate around the the shell the mind that's the shell around but let's go to the source because here's the thing all of this stuff inattention anger frustration whatever else we might say about the mind fears they're not always there are they they're not constantly there you get to sleep somehow if it was constantly there you wouldn't even sleep yeah you might say I have rough sleep I don't have good sleep I never used to have good sleep but I slept and there were still times where I was smiling I was still able to eat my food I wasn't completely debilitated 24-7 and there's times where all of you have been free from your mind so you're not forever in this cage for example let's say you're walking down the street it's a nice sunny day you can see happy people all around you can see children running around the children wave at you like this you smile all right you feel this like you're like oh cute kid and you feel this like warmth inside you so you don't have tension at that point it's gone that true self I was talking about is there so you see it's it's not you're not forever trapped and I want to highlight that point because it's important to know that the stuff with the mind is not always there and someone said is your worst enemy it can feel like that it can definitely feel like it's your worst enemy because like I said it takes everything it it pulls the body and it pulls everything to say hey fear tension worry but you know what I have to do firstly really become present and become aware like I said and then secondly find that part of myself that has always been there that part that's always there it's always there for all of you you just you just forget sometimes you just don't remember there's always moments but you know what has to happen you have to brighten that light because that light is like there is here somewhere within your heart it's there is shining focus on that I always say to people if you're having challenging times you feel like it's all darkness do you try and push all the dark out of the room or what I think and this is the way I approach when I'm coaching people is to find that light and then start blowing it up expanding that room starts turning bright the room starts turning bright so first is knowing that you don't always have tension and then secondly connect back to this child inside you this child this spirit this energy and I'm not gonna go down this whole path of like in a child healing I definitely did that that was definitely part of my development but sometimes people can get stuck there stuck in this in focusing on the challenge in focusing on the darkness yeah the darkness is there the mind is there people we've gone through some stuff right sometimes we don't know about it I'm not saying that it's not important to recognize it definitely is when you know what happened to you it just feels like you understand yourself better right it's great but I think that's that's where it should be kept it should be kept at that state of understanding understand this is a part of me this mind this shell this layer someone said the dark side this is a part of me but then find that other part the spark and that's been the one of the best ways I have been able to like reduce this tension but here's actually something that had to happen for me first becoming very present and I did that by using my body I started doing yoga sudden yoga so that seven years ago and it allowed me to relax my attention in the body because here's the thing you know this whole thing about karma what goes around comes around it's more than that it's actually all the stuff that we're keeping is the things that have happened in the past getting stored here in our memories and then that drives our behaviors that drives our present behaviors creates our future if we're if we're using that program from the memories so there's all this tension sometimes getting stored up so a really great thing I'd suggest is find some kind of way to use your physical body I'm not saying go and do a marathon I had aspirations one day to do a marathon and then I realized why why do I want to do this just to satisfy my own ego oh look I did a marathon Wow amazing achievement I can say I did in life and I'm not saying anything against you guys maybe you do want to do a marathon that's fine that's how I felt about it I was like I'm I would just want to do this just to satisfy my own ego so I'm not saying extreme forms of exercise just instead cultivate well-being calm your body down do some stretches do some movement sweat a little bit this karmic tension stored so if you start your day in the morning even with like 10 minutes of just moving your body a little bit it's just some things can get dropped this tension can get dropped using your breath using the breath is powerful as well breath work but again here's what I say about breath work don't take it too far it can become this addictive thing where you're like oh I've got to do a breath work session yeah I've got to release my tension or I've got to do an intense workout but release my tension it becomes a cycle you're stuck in you're you're addicted to the breath work it just becomes a routine afterwards whereas instead if you're doing things with purpose with real awareness just to yeah release a bit of tension and become present I think that's the ultimate point I'm trying to make do things to become present because then you can watch the mind you're slower your your whole system your whole nervous system is slower and more composed it comes into this state of repair you know your body goes into a state of repair whereas when you're tense you're fired up you're ready you're in the war mode you know there's a time for that there's definitely a time for that if you're consciously creating that that's great you know firing yourself up turning this energy in that's great but when it's unconscious created by your mind then it's it can become this challenge so I think the key with all this tension stuff is notice what it's saying to you what message is it giving you listen what's your mind saying it's your thoughts the thoughts create all of this and it might sound like one of those cliches but your thoughts are you know that the relationship with your thoughts is what you need to change not the actual thoughts because I said to someone I was like is it your fault that you have these thoughts did you purposely ask for this no this just happened because this is what's happened in your mind in your experiences not your fault so you just listen and you can decide what to do with the thought Oh thought says Raj you're a horrible person Raj you could do better thank you thought for telling me I appreciate you instead of I hear the thought and then I'd get tense and then I'm in a cycle of unconscious I'm being driven by the mind when you come back to your heart when you come back to your heart and your truth your knowing your presence your love you get this different perspective on life and the tension starts to fade and what happens for me now actually is my entire body temperature slows down I she when I'm very deep in meditation my I become freezing I start noticing my whole body becoming very cold like really really cold because all of the tensions gone you know I'm able to think clearly without even thinking you know it's just knowing is there so that's that's one thing I wanted to say today it's it's about you really working through this stuff listening to the messages listening to what this stuff saying because if I go back now to this whole part of shadow and in a child and mind whatever we're going to call that let's just call it the psyche the the one that is bothering you you come back to that is usually telling you something usually trying to give it's actually trying to give you a sign and prompt you to grow because if you think about it you really really think about it this mind was created because it wasn't okay to be your full self at some point in your life something happened and it wasn't okay to be fully you so this mind had to get had to be be born right look at children they're just running around and making a mess and then they they cry and then they're fine but then over time these beliefs and these patterns and this way of being in the world starts developing the identity starts developing the way to fit in the way to do things the way to talk to someone the way to dress the way to do this you should do this for work this is what money means all this stuff so it's getting created so the mind isn't isn't doing anything wrong it's just they're doing its job but it overshadows the true self so your only job is to listen in listen in and sometimes there's really good messages that come through here's an example now this is gonna this is me going to another way of looking at this actually completely away from this like these fears and the psychological part another way to look at why you have tension or frustration or anger is because you're repressing a part of yourself that wants to come out it's definitely what it was for me an idea you have a dream you have this this thing you really want deep in your soul I don't know what that is you guys feel free to share if you want but something you want to do in life everyone has something right something you want to do in life that's their knocking but then it's being stopped it's being repressed repression creates so much tension repression of your desires your your feelings your emotions your thoughts oh I shouldn't think that no I can't do that no that's not possible so much repression this is the way to live this is what I've been taught of how to be is that layer of the mind comes back again on top of that the ideas the soul the creation the creativity the the once it's on top and it's saying no no no you can't do that you're not doing that and here's an example my sister was telling me about she had two job offers and she didn't know what to do she was feeling indecisive and I've been there I've been very indecisive in the past still comes up sometimes you know I'm not I'm not perfect so just telling me about his two jobs said one pays a lot less but I'll get much more opportunities one pays great and I get to just chill and work from home and I said why is there a conflict here then if this feels great is giving you everything you want you have more time to yourself great go for that and she said I don't know I'm feeling some kind of I don't know I'm indecisive about this she didn't know what was gonna happen either way she just knew on paper analyzing mode analysis of these things right something inside her wanted the low-paying job something it goes against all logic and if she had gone for the other job she would have probably regretted it and just second-guessed herself and be like I should have gone to the other one I knew it I knew it and it's just that classic way of conflict of heart versus head the heart wants to tell you something it wants you to do more in your life I definitely had this I wanted to travel for a long time right and I would just spend I spent like three years watching other people on YouTube like YouTube vlogs of hey look I'm here in Vietnam or I'm here in here and I spent three years just watching and researching and just dreaming you know just dreaming about how amazing it would be to do that and I never did it so I just I just felt tense and I felt I was getting angry other people for no reason at all they did nothing and I'd just be angry I'd be tense I'd be just like pent up and the same thing actually let's take that example away and let's just go to a more basic example let's say in this day in one day of your week you know that you have these tasks to do well let's just say you have one really important task you're holding it off you're procrastinating over it so then this tension starts building and building and then someone you know speaks to you and say something you know they just want to talk to you you snap at them you snap at them for no reason at all because you're holding tension because you're going against yourself because you are not going forth with life so your your tension is getting burst out into everyone that comes near you pent up pent up pent up sometimes pent up for years something wants to come out but it's just it's not able to this liberation wants to happen but it's not able to this playful you wants to come out but it's not able to or even just down to the like I said in this example there's one task I need to do today I'm procrastinating I'm not doing it so I hold it off for another day next day I didn't do it again hold it off and it's just constant avoidance of things tension builds judgment of self what's wrong with you why didn't you do that the mind gets a lot I like to say um you know they sometimes they call it the monkey mind you feed your your monkey mind bananas by not doing the things that you really want to do if you don't do the things you really want to do or you know that it's there waiting for you you're just you're just asking for tension this is in your control this is your choice I'm saying I'm not saying it's easy not saying it's easy to go and do things you want to do right there's so much resistance this fear there's doubts of course there are of course there are me too even now me too like I said I'm not perfect I still have challenges like this all the time actually but now I just choose that I'm going to do what I say I said I'll do even if that's little small things like for example I've been I've been doing a lot of writing recently and I have made a commitment to myself I'm gonna write every day so if I don't I usually like sit there at my table like procrastinating forever thinking I really don't want to do this I really don't want to do this and then I hold it off until like 8 p.

M.

Or like yeah something like that in the evening and I'm just tense and judging myself and hating myself and anyone that talks to me I'm just not my my full self with them because I'm I've got this tension and judgment against myself there's this like mask of you're bad you're you're worthless you didn't do this stuff that you said you do then I finally write because I have a commitment to myself to do it and I just I'm just like why didn't I do that earlier I feel great now so you see it's just doing the things that you want to do letting this thing come out express itself this soul this you this light just wants to come out it just wants to come out any mind repression it's like putting a cap on yourself it's like putting a cap on a volcano really of course the volcano is gonna erupt internally it's just gonna hurt you it's gonna say what's wrong with you so I think that summarizes everything that summarizes what I want to say for now I hope that makes sense because I I just I just let everything out there I wanted to come out and I always say this in my sessions that I have no plan of what I'm gonna say because planning is thinking too much and thinking is fear telling me hey you better plan because you could screw this up so I choose not to I choose not to give into that I choose this to show up and let that thing that I've been talking about the whole session let that expression come through that's why people love art like and I'm talking about the painting art or the poetry art because that's a channel to let something out but it doesn't have to be just that everything is a channel everything is creation whatever you want to create I want to create a new job I wanna create a relationship I want to create this all of that's art all of it you create it and just to end something I say quite a lot is coming back to ownership driving of your car not being driven not being a victim to some your mind driving you or outside situations or that person said this thing to me so now I'm destroyed that's when all the power is gone so it has to be coming back to the power and the tension will go away because the tensions created by the mind which is artificial doesn't mean anything it's fleeting like the weather it's like trying to it's like if you went to a racehorse site where there's horses racing and you bet on the horse which was which was the laziest horse ever this horse only wants to run whenever it feels like it you can't rely on that horse that's what the mind is I need it only runs around in your head whenever it feels like it it's not always there can't trust it so I'm gonna leave it as that in terms of me speaking but I want to see what's coming up for you guys there's quite a lot of you here I want to ask you what was most useful and what is a question you have I want to try and go into the the chat section and see questions if you have a question just I'd love if you write if you write right I said right because someone was saying a huge ride I'd love if you write question before your word before your question sorry the word question so what was useful and what questions do you have please put them in the comments

Reviews

Wonderful - thanks so much. Lots for me to delve into here! 🙏🏼

This was a fabulous talk! I struggle with many of these things on a daily basis and this talk really gave me some things to think about on how I might break out of my perpetual frustration.

I chose to start my day with this talk today- I’ll certainly be listening to this one again - thank you Raj!