Untangling Codependency

Tangled in the compulsive knot of codependent behaviors and thoughts? You're not alone, you are worthy, there is hope, and it can get better. We look at how codependency affects our emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical health. We share our own experiences with how codependency harms us, then share tools for recovery that help us find balance, a sense of self, and the courage to find a new way. We love ya, you're doing so great! Apologies for imperfect sound, we're fine-tuning equipment!

Transcript

You've arrived at Pretty Spiritual Podcast, Where we share our spiritual journeys to empower yours. Come on in. Yeah, Okay. No, Seriously, Come in. Hello, Everyone. Hi. Thank you, Annie. I'm Lindsay Boney. And I'm here with our beloved Annie, And we are coming back in to talk about a very important, Appropriate topic, Which, Yes, We have covered before. And also, This topic needs many, Many rounds, In my personal opinion. But here it is, Untangling codependency. We're laughing right now, But honestly, This topic does not make me happy or feel good. Honestly, I find that between choosing laughing and crying, I like to go more towards levity and to find the lightness and things that oftentimes can feel very dark and very sad. So welcome, Everyone. And we're so glad to be here together. Codependency is a hot topic in the mental hellness. In the mental hellscape. Oh my God, Yes. Codependency in this mental hellscape is real. And we want to get into where we get caught in relying on other people in unhealthy ways. We are going to talk about how to recognize and become aware of these tendencies, Our own codependent tendencies, Perhaps maybe where we first started to get entangled with codependency and how and when to apply tools to become more self-reliant and confident in our own power. Annie, So exciting. Codependency here we are again. Can you believe it? I know that you and I get to practice a lot dependently and codependently with our codependency. Would you love to talk about it? I believe the last episode we did on this was called healthy boundaries, Maybe. And it was around maybe two years ago or a year and a half ago. And so much has changed as far as my ability to navigate and to understand and to have resources. So I wanted to share that if you are in the throes of the compulsive behavior of codependence and that you're worthy and there is hope and it can get better. And I feel as though I am evidence of that for myself. And I'm going to just talk about ways that I got help and ways it's improved for me when I talk about the tools. And I wanted to say that for me, I think interdependence is really normal and natural. So we rely on each other and we need each other and we have relationships and they're woven together and none of that is wrong. And then there's moments where there's lack of balance or times in relationships, Any relationship where I can become overly dependent emotionally or in any way on another person or perhaps them for me. But for me, Codependence is when that shifts into something that becomes this compulsive behavior and it impacts my physical, Spiritual, Mental health and that of those around me because of the way that I'm engaging with the world. And before I started to have some solutions for this, I was really terrified to have what I thought was conflict with people. My definition of conflict really had no room for anything except for joy birds. Many princesses dancing and butterflies floating on a sunny day. Anything other than that just felt like the apocalypse. So I would obsess over conversations. Did I say the wrong thing? They must hate me now. Oh my gosh, I'm going to have to call them back. What do I say? I would read a thousand words into one word or one glance. Even from people I didn't know, We always joke about the barista concept of like, Oh my gosh, That barista didn't smile. They hate me. What am I doing? My order is so outrageous. I'm so bad. And it's funny, But it is real. That sense of badness and shame and somehow understanding or idea that I am somehow not okay unless all the people around me give me this very outward validation. So that takes a lot of work, Right? All that negative thinking, Rumination, Obsessing, Being sure that I know what other people are thinking or feeling, And then having the compulsive need to be able to manage what I think other people's experience, Behavior, Actions, Words are so that I feel safe and okay. Because unless they are all positive when it comes to me, Then I'm not okay. So I got to this point where I was making myself physically, Emotionally, Mentally sick, Obsessing over other people and my relationships. And there are certain people that I think I just have hooks for, Kind of personality types and behaviors that I hook in with and that part of me comes out and I didn't know how to not do it. I had no idea of what internal boundaries were or what it meant to protect myself energetically from other people's emotions and experiences. So I was just this like porous sponge and any kind of experience somebody else was having, I would just absorb it all. And so today I'm building all these new muscles and it's kind of a three part thing is how I've been thinking about it. There's this first part of building up my reservoir of self-love and valuing myself. So I am a person of value. And then next managing my empathy and nervous system. And then last shifting this sense of control of the universe from either myself or other people to actually a higher power of my understanding. So before it was either me or somebody else was God, Right? Like either I can control them through managing their emotions or else I'm controlled by their emotions and actions and shifting that from this really limited human plane to some kind of reliance on something outside of myself. So those are, That's what I have been thinking about in terms of codependence. And then we talk about tools and really specific stuff that I have been, That has been working for me to get freedom from that. Thank you for letting me share. That was long back. I got a lot of passion on this topic. That was so good. Hi, You've been flayed. So thank you for just putting into words all of these tiny little pieces that were kind of like jumbled up that I haven't understood, But then it keeps coming closer and closer together. That was so succinct. I really appreciate it. So thank you. And it's been a real honor to learn and grow with you. And it's really cool to think about the last time we did this podcast and that change can happen and that it takes a lot of seeking and looking at ourselves. That's really uncomfortable and painful. So thanks everyone for being here. I did want to just add in really quickly about a thing that happened today. This was originally a insight timer. It has to do with codependency, So don't worry. This was originally an insight timer live. We've been doing those. So if you're listening to us on the podcast, I highly recommend coming over to insight timer where you can time your meditations, But there's also an amazing community over there and we have an amazing community over there. Really I would say the insight timer community is I think what kept us going because people comment and on the days where I don't know why I am exposing myself in this type of way that can be really painful and excruciating to the internet. Insight timer really reaches back and says, Hey, Thank you. You helped me. So today when we were supposed to do this insight timer live, A technical issue happened and it just hung up on the people that were there. And what I remember is that I have to remind myself that I'm doing this work for me. This work is work I would be trudging almost alone. Annie would be there and then I have a lot of recovery people and therapists and things of that nature alone. It's hard work. I have these codependent feelings about, I mean, I feel like I've let these other people down and that I made a mistake and it's unfathomable and I'm a piece of crap that I can't get technology to work exactly right and that I should show up for these other people. And what I'm telling myself right now in real time as we do this, As my mind keeps bringing up these ways and that I'm supposed to be online live right now, Helping other people is that this is my work that I do for me. And yes, It can doing this type of work, The world around you does change, But I can't do this work for other people. I cannot do other people's work. And that is really what I have been working on lately because I have a habit of thinking that I can help. I'm helping someone, Which is also something I need to watch out for, But I am helping them by bringing to light maybe some areas that they can't see. And that is not my work and that is not my job. It has to do with historical context and I have these old habits. What I wanted to say is that, So human being, I'm going to tie this all together. I'm sorry. Human beings have the longest childhood dependency period of any species. If our needs for safety and acceptance are not met, Then we can feel emotionally, Spiritually and physically abandoned in our adult lives and relationships. So for me, I have become somewhat of a dependent personality and I have to watch for my dependent personality on others. So believing that my safety and my okayness, My wellness is in jeopardy at any moment of whatever is in front of me. And I do believe that this kind of, It has to do with what I was just talking about with my safety and acceptance not being met as a smaller person. And I did this distorted thinking math where that has followed me into adulthood today. If I help the other person, If their needs are more important than mine, If I help them to see things that they can't see, Then I am going to be safe. I'm acceptable. I am lovable. I am worthy. And this is all happening below the layer of consciousness. I do not see this on a daily basis as it's happening. It's habitual and automatic, Which is why I have to watch for my distorted thinking. I have to identify with myself and learn that I'm a dependent personality that oftentimes through habits, I believed that other people's wants and needs are more important than my own. And if I meet theirs first, Then magically somehow they're going to reciprocate and meet my wants and needs, Which I don't even know what my own wants and needs are because I've dismissed and pushed those away because I believed that I couldn't have them, That it would make me more acceptable. You know, Like you're talking about the joy birds and princess. Well, If I just don't have any wants and needs, I mean the joy birds, I am a princess all of a sudden. I'm a fictional character that doesn't need to go to the bathroom or would never take up any of your time or have a question. And it has taken, Like I said, Many, Many rounds and I am no near who knows where I am is amazing, Where I am is amazing today. And I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have so many chances, Whether it be the barista. So my codependent nuances currently what they look like, Because I have to be kind of doing the sweep since I've gotten the memo that my codependent nature really hurts me. It hurts others around me. It's an old behavior that just is not serving me anymore. And once I remember when I wake up, Then I can remember to look for these types of things throughout the day so that I can operate from a new, There's a new way to live is what I try to tell myself and remind myself that I get to exist in a new reality today. Well, What would the new reality look like? Well, I have to look at the old reality, My old reality, My codependent nuances with people in my life. I had this belief. So my beliefs are what drive my behavior. So looking at my beliefs can really help me to change my behaviors. So with people, My right to exist is acceptable only if I do what everyone wants of me. So some examples of that are showing up at their preferred time and not considering my schedule, Overloading it to make sure that I get everyone else's needs met for whatever they want, Not even offering a different time that works for my schedule, Just saying yes immediately, Which has led to many a scheduling conflicts and problems. And that's actually the pain point that will help me to see. I need to look at my schedule and do scheduling around what works for me. I can have things work on my time. It's allowed. My time can be valuable. Caring more about other people's happiness and wellbeing than my own. At the same time, I would believe that I'm also the cause of their unhappiness, Distress, Their malaise. I'm hypervigilant. I'm looking at people's faces as if whatever constellation they formed it into is about me. I've done something wrong. And so I'm not even able to touch into my body or my wants and my needs because I'm hyper focused on looking at them and what could possibly be going on about them that I have done. Another way that codependence comes out is my dependency on things being done. And in one go, What that would look like is I have to get every, Everything has to be done. The list has to be done. I have to get it all done right now, Regardless of if I'm tired, If I've done enough of it right now that I could actually take a break. If I need to eat, If I could use a snack, If I need a bathroom break, Not until this is done. Once these things get done, Then my life can be okay, Acceptable or lovable is what I found uncovering this when I am forcing and hurting myself into areas of getting a list done. So I wanted to really bring that up when it comes to my dependent personality on things getting done, Because I think we think of codependency in relationships only. What I've been finding out for myself personally is that my dependent personality touches into people, Places and things in my life and my behaviors, My thoughts that I'm thinking about, Which then drives my behaviors. And then for that last part, Which I'm still very much working on this because I haven't believed that it's been okay for me to have boundaries. I've been this semi permeable membrane that anything can come through and go through that needs to. I really appreciated you talking about emotions and other people's emotion and how I started to notice emotion contagion because I was this permeable membrane I took on whatever other emotions and I'm also a very sensitive person and an empath, Which is this toxic combination for this me losing, Absolutely losing myself, My power, My center. So when boundaries came up, Not having any type of boundary at all, What I would do is I would imagine what boundary you had or wanted and I would then try to meet it there. That was honestly the math that I would do at all times. And it actually got really, That was really dangerous for me in situations where the people are not healthy and they are not well and it is not safe for me to go to their boundaries and then operate and participate in that arena. It's not where I would ever be. And so getting to, I'm sorry. Some of the boundaries have been not ones that I wanted to make, But in coming out of being a dependent personality, I come back to myself and I trust and love myself as a whole capable, Resourceful human being that deserves love, Like the ultimate love and care. And I have to give that to myself. And I'm just a little tender talking about this because like I said, This is, I'm practicing doing this in my daily life with really important people in my life. And it's hard and it hurts and it's really, This is a new pathway for me to believe and trust that I am worthy of my own care and that my time, My heart, My wellbeing is dependent on me showing up for me. I'll pause here for Annie's tools that are going to fix all of us. Thank you. No pressure. Thank you all for listening and being with me on this very intimate journey. And I hope you all can be there for yourselves too. And if not, I hope you can be held by the net of the greater, Bigger things that are definitely here for us as we learn and grow together. So thank you all for listening and Annie tools. Thank you so much, Pony, For that beautiful share and for your honesty and vulnerability. It is a great example for all of us. I have some tools that have been working for me. I have five, So I will attempt to be succinct and I will share what it is and then give a brief example. And then I also wanted to share some accountability with you all at the end of it. So the first of the five is help outside myself. And what I have found to be true after years of trying to beat and berate myself into changing out of my codependent behaviors is that I needed help beyond my own inner solutions. And so for me, What has worked is finding a therapist who has somatic tools, Which I really enjoy because it is working with my nervous system. And also she does cognitive behavioral solutions. And so I've learned a lot of things to say and how to tend to my body. So that part, And then also meeting with other people who struggle with codependency like I do and working on finding a common spiritual solution with them has helped me immeasurably. I'm happy to talk about either of those with anybody. If you want to message us, Instagram is the quickest way to chat with me about it. If you have any questions, I'm happy to share more. My second tool of five is empath meditations. I am very sensitive to my environment and the emotions of people around me. And like Lindsay was saying, If I don't know how to manage that, I just take it all in. If I don't tend to that sensitive nervous system and keep it soothed and boundaried, Like Lindsay was saying, I am like a sponge with this impermeable edges and I just absorb everything and it weighs me down. It's really fun. I'm sad about it, But I'm laughing. It's funny. We're little spongers that don't know that they can have a coat on. So I'm not sure if this is just my creative brain. I can't quit thinking about this sponge with a coat on. We can make little sponge coats. We can make a line of sponge coats. I love it. Yeah. Highly practical. So I don't know if this is just creative imagining, But I know that I can feel what other people are feeling. So wherever that lands on the truth spectrum, It's true to me. And many times I've been sure I know what people are thinking too. But the part that's challenging of that is I make myself sick than trying to have them act or respond or think a certain way so I feel safe. And when I am actually practicing containing and boundarying my little sponge, When I put my sponge coat on, Then I'm not depending on other people to have the exact kind of energy that I need to be okay. So Insight Timer has actually some great meditations that I use. They're guided meditations that remind me that I'm sensitive and give me visual tools and mental tools to kind of take care of that part of myself. So one I've been using a lot lately is by Karina V. It's Karina with a C, C-A-R-I-N-A, V. And it's called empath relief. It's a 10 minute meditation. Very cool. So that. . . So then my third, Third of five, I'll go faster now, Is to learn and respect my emotional experience. A big part of codependency for me is just not knowing how to identify how I feel. And then if it does manage to pop its way through, I smash it down. And so what I've been learning is I can just acknowledge it. When Pony and I had that technical challenge, When we were going to record this live podcast on Insight Timer, It didn't work. I thought, I'm really disappointed. And I could just acknowledge that. Wow, That's disappointing. Okay. And that makes me sad. Okay. Instead of just, Everything's fine. This is fine. No problem. No problem. No problem. And so the fourth one is I can make affirmations for that emotional experience. So if I am. . . An example is on Friday, I realized that I had forgotten a regular call that I have with someone for co-writing and I was really embarrassed and I was ashamed of myself. And then I went into this kind of codependent, Almost one of this little codependent spiral. She thinks I'm bad. Oh my gosh, How do I fix it? Although she said, It's fine. It's no problem. Of course I didn't believe her. I'm the worst. And I realized I was putting all this stuff mentally onto her that wasn't occurring. And I paused, We got to work and I did a mini intervention with myself and said, Annie, You're feeling shame. That makes you feel kind of gross in your stomach. Here's a little affirmation. It is okay to make a mistake. You are forgivable when you make mistakes. You're still lovable when you make a mistake. So I can learn and respect my emotional experience. And then I can make an affirmation to kind of soothe it. Cause that part of me is like, It's not okay. And then the last one is to love myself with the help of my higher power. So until I understand that I'm worthy and valuable human with equal importance and needs to every other person, Every other person, Then I will continue to subjugate myself to everybody else's what I think everybody else's needs and needs are. I love how you decided without asking what other people's boundaries are and then that it's amazing. It's so much juggling. And then when I can just fill myself up with some love and recognize that I am a person of value, Then I there's less of a need for me to do all that mental math. But I have found that of my own resources, I am not, And I need outside help, Like divine help to fill up that love. So I have been relying on a higher power to source me essentially. So those are the five tools that have been using that last part, Prayer meditation is a big part of it. And essentially they're all about building self value, Managing my nervous system and relying on a higher power. So I don't rely on myself or other people to be okay. No big whoop. Easy peasy. So what about you, Pony? What are some tools you're working with? You really hit all the spots. You did. Wow. Okay. I wanted to touch on, I like Annie, You really described about how would I, So I think the way some people handle things is some people are imploders and some people are excellent. And Annie is an imploder. And I've always been so jealous of imploders. But I am an exploder and it is very clear that I'm an exploder. People also knew before I knew that I was an exploder and it causes a lot of extra harm and damage externally. And what I was remembering is that the internal pain and what goes on for imploders and exploders is really hard and hurtful and needs our attention. And I loved all of your tools. And so my tools really, I just ping pong off of what you were saying. So let me, I think that for me, The very most important one have been self-love practices. Self-love practices. We've talked so many about this in any of our episodes previously. I'm thinking of all the ways of cultivating and creating a healthy dependency on trusting my inner wisdom, Body and self. There have been so many little things that have gone into facilitating that on a daily basis. And a lot of times it's recognizing the self-hate that I have, This old running tape that just berates and hates myself because it was misguided and thought that if I hated myself, Then I would get better and then I would be worthy of love. So I have to remember that this is my old plan, My old ways, Habitual ways of being that happen very quickly. And so I start in the morning with my breathing. I do not allow myself to get out of bed until I do my 10 minutes of breathing so that I can connect with myself and hear what is going on here. And pretty quickly I get to hear the berate and hate that is there when I wake up in the morning. And then I get into my loving practice that I have for myself. The loving practice of, I love you, I'm here, You are worthy. It's all very personal. So finding your own, What I've done to do this is I had to learn from my past. I had to figure out my historical context. What happened before? It's really important. It's just like now we surround ourselves with, It's the power of example in my life. What were the examples in my life as a young person? What were they without judgment of others, Without blame? Just what were they? Get really scientific about it is what helped me to be able to look at this. Also have a therapist if you can, Have a counselor, Have someone that can walk you through this type of work. If you can't have that, Because I know about money, If you could take a scientific approach and look at this as the scientist of your life, Where you are looking at yourself and what happened before without the emotional body that comes along with it, God bless you if you can do it. But let's pretend, Let's try that. I do a lot of work in that realm. There's workbooks. There's CBT work that the cognitive behavioral, Behavioral, You know, The word, Such a mouthful. Gosh, That's why everyone says CBT. Those work will have a lot of tools in there to be able to look at this and work with how to look at your historical context from your past, What your attachment styles are. If you don't know what type of attachment style that you had when you that's essentially when we're younger, How we attach with our caregivers says a lot about how we are in the world today. I highly recommend doing some reading and looking up those types of things for yourself because in that information, That has been very personal to myself, I've been able to create what exactly the prescription, If you will, Of what I need on a daily basis. I have to address my low self worth. I have to address myself hate. I have to address my perfectionistic tendencies that promise me that I'm going to be lovable and okay today. I have to do all of that right when I wake up. That's what that 10 minutes of breathing is for. The reminder to remember to come back to my body, To come back to my heart, To get out of my head, To come into my lungs that will keep supplying me with what I need to breathe deeply and come back to my inner wisdom and to essentially what I have found for me, My codependency when I look at it in this bigger realm is I'm wanting other people to self soothe me. I really am and it is up to me to self soothe and I need a lot of self soothing and I have to come to terms with that and I have to show up and do all the things that I'm really freaking cranky about and that I'm kind of in a way demanding you do for me. Okay. Make me feel good. Yeah. Tell me I look good. Everything is going to be okay. Tell me I'm good enough and that I can handle this. But here's the thing. When other people do that, It's fleeting. It's not here. It is not filling up the reservoir within myself that I can pull from to take care of me. I have to do it and when I become more interdependent within myself, Then I get to show up fully to the table in relationship with other people and be able to think that I can have boundaries and interact with people from my own power. Having this being filled and complete, Whole, Resourceful, Capable, Complete, That can be there for me. It's a practice. I have to practice. Another quick cute little one that I love and helps me so much is I am starting to treat myself as the love affair of my life. I want to get to know myself. I want to know everything about myself. I want to know about my childhood and my family. I am the love of my life that I have been looking for and I'm going to learn everything about myself and I'm going to show up to myself. I'm going to get my wants and my needs. I'm going to supply them. It's all going to come from me and I sing the love songs to myself. So any love song, Almost any song can be changed to it being for you and about you. I turn on a red light in the shower because it's calming. I put on my love songs and then I sing all the songs to myself as it is to myself and I get really hot. Then at the end of the shower, I do a 10-second minimum freezing cold because I have found that when I go from nice and warm, I also get the contrast bath. It really, Really resets things for me and helps me a lot and people hate that one. At first I do, But every time I do it, Every time I'm in the shower. It really does. When we talk about our nervous system and being able to go from parasympathetic and sympathetic and finding these new ways, I really believe in breathing and body hacks and temperature changes. And y'all know if you've been listening, That is my jam. So thank you all so much for listening to all of this. Before we end, I just want to share an accountability. During our live podcast episode on aging, I had shared that I was going to write a letter to my younger self as kind of an amends and take responsibility for the treatment of that younger self internally around physical appearance. And I wrote it and then, But the second part and the hard part was that I was going to read it to myself in the mirror with intention and not just, You know, As I ran by or made myself and I did it and it was really, Really sweet. And the reason I did it is because I told everyone on the last episode that I was going to do it. So thank you everyone for being part of it, Essentially. It was, It was really nice and meaningful to me. I'm so glad. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah. We learn and grow really well together, But if we don't do our own personal work, We're codependent. Yeah. In the story. Just kidding. We tease our next episode. Yeah, Annie has it. She's ready to tease, Baby. I thought it would be really fun to talk about being a very sensitive person in this world that is not necessarily made for sensitive people and what that's like and then tools to navigate it, To help tender little nervous systems tools to not feel fractured, Overwhelmed, Inundated, And also just respect the fact that it's pretty cool to be a sensitive person. Mostly I'm excited about that one. Thank you so much. Thanks everyone for loving and accepting yourselves first, Of course, And also us. We are imperfect and things happen, But we are going to continue to make this podcast. Our intention is to continue to make them as the live stream podcasts on insight timer once a month and we're audio recording them at the same time. And so then those audio recordings will go up onto the platforms like Apple, Et cetera. That means that our next insight timer, If you want to watch this live in person and we're in comment and interact with us. Yes. We love this so much. That is going to be on May 4th, Wednesday, Wednesday, May 4th of 2022. If you're listening to it in the year of 2022, If that applies to you. It's 1230 PM Pacific standard time on insight timer. It's free. You can just search pretty spiritual podcast on insight timer, And then you can be taken and register for the event. Yeah, But it's totally free. And then it will just send you a reminder, Which, You know, I need a reminder. We all need reminders. Of course. And we just highly recommend inside timer. There are so many amazing people on there. You should definitely check it out. So thank you all so much. If you are feeling called to donate to us so that we can continue editing this audio, We support that. We totally support that. You can do that via PayPal. You can go to our website, Pretty spiritual podcast. You can do it through insight timer. Yeah. Insight timer makes it very easy. We love you. Thank you. Now love yourself. Bye bye.

Reviews

Needed this. Thank you🙏

So filled with gratitude! Went searching for the word Enmeshment and found this… so grateful to be in recovery with 12-step fellowship! Shared it with everyone of course. Hoping that if I heal, you heal, we heal, and growth and change can happen. Love Light.
I long to live in the world as myself and not anyone but myself. 🍯

GREAT! Much needed, and the personal insight and experience made this so safe.

Lovely, thank you.

It was really good but my mind wandered thinking about my own situation and issues