In this video,
I'm going to guide you through an exercise to permanently reduce the amount of pressure you feel to prove yourself at work.
I'm Noah Elkrief and I've been coaching smart men for over 15 years.
So let's dive into it.
I invite you to close your eyes and imagine achieving your goals.
Whether that's to become CEO,
Successful in your business,
Making a certain amount of money.
Whatever accomplishment feels like the biggest possible accomplishment you can imagine,
Picture it.
And when you picture it,
Picture the environment,
Picture the surroundings,
Picture where you are,
Picture what's in front of you.
And see how you feel.
Does it feel more like a high?
Yay,
This is great!
Does it feel more like a relief?
Ah,
I can finally breathe again.
It feels so relaxing.
And then we want to find a phrase or two or three that feels aligned with that moment.
So for example,
I've finally proved that I'm smart.
I've finally proved that I'm good at this.
I finally showed everyone that I'm not an idiot.
I finally proved that I'm capable.
Now nobody can doubt me.
We want to find a couple phrases.
That feel like it's saying something about who you are.
But now I've proved that I'm great.
Now I've proved that I'm amazing.
Now I've proved that I can do it.
And if that's going to take a little time,
You can pause the video.
If not,
We'll move on.
Now what I want you to do is form the opposite of that phrase.
So for example,
If it's now I've proved that I'm smart.
Then the opposite would be I actually believe that I'm stupid.
A part of me believes that I'm stupid.
If the phrase is,
Now I've finally proved that I'm good at this.
The opposite is,
A part of me believes that I'm not good at this.
Know if the phrase is that you know is more negative that's like now i've proved everyone who doubted me the opposite is I feel pain that people are doubting me.
Yeah,
There are people that are doubting me and that impacts me.
In other words,
When we imagine achieving our goal,
It's to achieve a certain belief.
If we're trying to prove ourselves,
We're trying to Get to a place where we've proved a positive belief that I'm good at this that I'm smart that I'm capable That I'm so good.
Nobody can doubt me And if we're trying to achieve that positive belief,
Prove that it's true.
I might believe i'm smart.
I might believe i'm capable but It's it's still feel a pressure to prove it all the time.
But if I accomplish enough,
Then i'll finally prove it put differently what we're trying to do.
Is trying to get away from run away from or avoid the negative belief Which is i'm not good at this I'm a mess.
I'm not smart.
I am not capable.
And for most smart men,
For most people who are doing well in their jobs,
We might not even realize we have that belief deep down because we're so much always trying to prove I'm good,
That we won't even let ourselves sit with and be with a negative belief.
And in this moment,
We're going to do the exact opposite.
If you feel a pressure to prove I'm great,
What you're really feeling pressure is I feel pressure to get away from the negative belief of I am not enough.
I am not smart.
I am not capable enough.
So we want to go towards it instead of feeling all this pressure to get away from it,
All this pressure to succeed and accomplish things,
To one day to not have to have any part of me believe that I am not enough,
That I am bad,
That I am good,
That I am not smart,
That I am not capable.
So right now we're going to bypass years of effort on a strategy that is completely and utterly inefficient and instead go towards what we've been running from.
So I want you to close your eyes if it's not still closed.
And tell yourself the negative belief.
I am not enough.
I am not good at this.
Of course intellectually I know that I am good at this.
I know that I am capable.
But I feel not enough.
I feel stupid.
I feel incapable.
I feel ordinary and not great.
I just notice what happens.
If you feel it intensely,
Great.
The more intense,
The better.
If you don't feel it,
Try to magnify it.
Imagine failing.
Imagine performing poorly on something.
Imagine your father or your boss or your peers looking at you and telling you you're not enough.
You're not smart enough to do this role.
You're not capable enough for the position you're in.
Yeah,
You shouldn't be in this position.
You're not Skilled enough.
You're not smart enough.
You're not good enough at your job To really hit this unworthiness or inadequacy or shame or not enoughness as strongly as possible And then once you feel it,
Just kind of notice where do you feel it?
Do you feel it in your chest?
Do you feel it in your solar plexus?
In your stomach?
Does it just feel like it's in your head?
Does it feel like a pressure in your head?
What does it feel like?
Does it feel solid like a rock inside?
Does it feel more like something surrounding you,
Weighing you down?
You know,
Like a boulder on you.
Or something closing you in like you're trapped inside of walls.
Does it make you feel small?
Now,
Whatever it is you feel,
I want to invite you to let it go visually.
So if it's a rock,
You tell that rock,
Look,
I'm tired of running away from you.
I want you to just grow.
To get as big as you want.
To get as strong as you want.
If it's surrounding you or if it's on the outside of you,
Say like,
Do your worst to me.
I'm tired of running from you.
I'm tired of avoiding you.
Tell me I'm not enough.
Tell me I'm no good.
Fine.
But I'm not going to spend my life running away from you.
Do your worst to me.
I'm not going to try to push you away,
Letting it go by pushing you away.
No.
I want to stop living in fear of you.
I've been afraid to feel this not enoughness.
I've been afraid to feel this belief of I am stupid and I'm not capable enough to be in the position that I'm in.
But I'm done running.
Do your worst to me.
Tell me I'm terrible.
Hit me with the biggest,
Heaviest feeling you can.
Get bigger and bigger.
Do whatever you want to me.
And then just keep breathing.
And with every exhale,
You're letting yourself relax into it more.
You're not trying to get away from it.
You're not trying to fix it.
And you're not trying to solve it in this moment.
You're trying to get to know it and see if it's a real threat See if it's a real danger.
Or whether it's actually kind of like a monster in the closet.
When you open the door,
It's not as dangerous as you thought it was.
And then.
.
.
I want you to connect to the story behind it.
Is there a story?
What evidence do you have?
So talk to that feeling of I'm not good enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not capable enough.
Talk to that part of you and say,
What is your evidence?
What is your evidence for why I'm not capable?
Why I'm not good enough?
Why I'm not smart enough?
Give me your evidence.
And just be curious what comes up.
Because I failed at this.
Because my boss once said that.
Because I didn't get into that school.
Because my dad didn't give me love.
Be very curious.
And then investigate you say okay that happened so in that moment you failed in that moment you weren't good enough in that moment maybe they disapproved of you But that does not prove you are not good enough.
It doesn't prove you are not smart enough.
It only proves one of two things.
One,
In that moment,
You weren't perfect,
Which says nothing about how you are in general.
And two,
If someone disapproved of you,
Your father,
Your boss,
Your coworker,
Your client,
That doesn't mean or prove that you aren't enough.
It proves that you weren't what they wanted in that specific moment.
So question,
Is it possible that the opposite is true?
Is it possible that just because my dad wanted me to be better in some way,
That it doesn't mean I wasn't enough.
That I'm actually really smart for my age,
Just not as smart as my dad.
Or just because the client wanted something different,
It doesn't mean that I wasn't enough.
It means I didn't know what he wanted.
Or just because I failed at that test,
It doesn't prove I'm not smart.
It proved I didn't study hard enough.
If I fail to get the promotion as quickly as my peers,
Does it prove I'm not smart?
Does it prove I'm not good at my job?
Or does it just show in that moment I wasn't,
In that year I wasn't,
In that month I wasn't?
But could I find evidence as to why the opposite is true?
And show that part of you,
Actually there's so much evidence that shows I am enough.
That I am smart enough,
That I am capable enough.
And show him the evidence.
Show the biggest skeptic inside of you all of the evidence you can find as to why you are enough.
So don't,
You know,
There's a part in you that's always trying to prove I am smart,
I am capable,
I am good.
And there's a part of you who's always the skeptic.
Devil's advocate that's always saying you're not enough.
And talk to that part and say,
Okay,
What about this,
This,
And this?
And see how he responds.
Is that part reasonable?
That you can satisfy him with enough evidence for why you are good or capable?
Or is that part a hater?
Who will never be satisfied.
That will never feel enough no matter how much evidence you have.
And if that part is getting more relaxed and realizing,
Oh,
We have enough evidence that maybe I am enough at this.
And grey.
And if that part can't be satisfied,
That no amount of evidence or proof will show him that he is enough,
That you are enough,
Instead we're going to say,
Don't I deserve love,
Approval,
Hugs,
Kisses,
Affection,
Warmth,
Friendship,
Family,
Even if I'm not great?
Do I have to be the most amazing,
The most perfect,
The most capable to be deserving of my parents' love,
My wife's love,
My children's love,
My friends' love?
Belonging community Or am I allowed to be?
Something less than perfect or great.
Anybody who really loves me,
Who really values me,
Values me for me.
I want my father to love me,
Not my accomplishments.
I want my wife to love me,
Not my accomplishments.
I want my friends to love me,
Not my accomplishments.
I want them to love spending time with me,
To love who I am,
Not love me because I'm knowledgeable or smart or good at my job.
We deserve love,
Care,
Affection,
Warmth,
Closeness,
Belonging,
Even if we're not the best at what we do.
Even if there are others better than us.
Even if we're not great all the time.
And take a breath into that.
Maybe I'm allowed to be not great.
Maybe I'm allowed to be not perfect.
Maybe I'm allowed to be in the 70th percentile instead of the 99th percentile.
And take a few breaths here.
And then imagine achieving your goal again.
Achieving whatever it is you're longing for.
The biggest goal.
And then notice how you feel this time.
If it's the same amount of high or different.
If it's the same amount of relief or different.
The bigger the high in the relief,
The bigger the pressure was that you're getting away from.
Right if you already feel enough and relaxed within yourself,
Then when you accomplish the goal It's less of like a massive relief or less of a massive high that now it proves i'm great So connect back to something that you do at work which makes you feel pressure to prove yourself.
And just sit there in that.
Do I need to prove that I am great?
What if I don't?
What is the threat?
That I have to tell myself I'm not enough,
That I'm not smart enough,
That I'm not capable enough,
And then I'll have to feel that shame or inadequacy or weakness or smallness.
What if that's not as much of a threat as I thought?
Then I can pursue my goals out of desire,
Passion,
Challenge,
Growth,
Instead of with the stress and pressure to prove that I am enough.
Then I can feel relaxed and at ease while I pursue my goals instead of spending years with pressure and stress hoping one day when I achieve my goals,
Then I can relax.
When in actuality,
No matter how much you succeed externally,
It's not enough to,
Or does nothing to relieve the stress and pressure because it does nothing to address the underlying shame or inadequacy that's causing the pressure to get away from it.
So,
I'll leave you there.
I hope it gives you some relief.
Explore that in this moment,
But also see in the coming days when you're at work doing things that normally would cause the pressure to prove yourself,
And just assess what percentage did it reduce,
If any.
