It's Not Your Job To Make Others Happy

Do you think you're responsible for the happiness of your family, lover, or friends? Do you sacrifice your own time and energy to make others happy even when you don't really want to? To put ourselves second isn't supportive of our own happiness or for others. This talk will provide insights into what you are responsible for and what you're not.

Transcript

Hello,

My name is Noah Elkrief and today I want to say that it's not your job to make anyone happy.

To make anyone else happy.

It is your job to make yourself happy.

You are not responsible for anyone else's emotions.

You're not responsible for your partner's emotions,

Your girlfriend,

Your boyfriend,

Your husband,

Your wife.

You're not responsible for your friend's emotions.

You're not responsible for your employee's emotions.

You're not responsible for your parent's emotions.

You're not responsible for anyone else's emotions.

Now.

It's important to understand this on two levels.

Want to understand it intellectually,

Intellectually to logically get it,

To really get it in your mind that I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness or suffering.

But the other level is like the level of the heart and the body to really deeply feel it that I'm not responsible for anyone else's emotions.

And the reason why we often get confused in thinking we are responsible for others' emotions is because as children our parents often believed we are responsible for their happiness and suffering.

They looked to us to take care of their emotions,

Which isn't fair and it's not right.

Oftentimes our parents even birthed us,

Even conceived us with the fundamental intention that I'm creating a child to make me happy instead of to make the child happy.

So we are often even like it's so deep in the core of our being,

It's like part of our base that I'm here to make my parents happy,

Which means I'm here to make everyone happy.

And that doesn't feel good inside of us when we feel responsible for other people's happiness.

When we feel responsible for others' happiness and suffering it makes it really really hard to follow our own heart,

To follow our own truth,

To follow our own intuition because we constantly have to check in.

How do they feel?

What's going on with them?

And it might seem like that's the right thing to do and in some way it's kind,

But oftentimes it's so deep,

How would the other person feel?

What will happen to them?

That it's very difficult to even access our own desires,

Our own truth,

Our own callings,

Our own longings because it's so much our primary concern,

Our base that we have to care for someone else's feelings.

And I'm here to sort of tell you that that's not serving you and that's not serving the other person.

It may seem like when we care about someone else first and foremost that we're helping them,

But you can't get rid of anyone else's suffering.

You can't get rid of the traumas and the beliefs that cause their loneliness,

Their low self-worth,

Their fear,

Their anger and whatever else they're struggling with.

The most we can do is give them a little bit of comfort and happy moments when we do what they want or do what will trigger them less.

And maybe that's kind in some moments,

So it's not like don't be kind,

But we have to put ourselves first.

If we don't put ourselves first,

Then we can't,

It's only because we don't feel safe and solid within ourselves or we have this like deep program,

I have to put others first.

And when we do that,

We're not actually doing it from care.

We're not actually doing it from love.

We're doing it either because the program says I have to,

Or we're doing it for safety.

So we're caring about others first because if they leave us,

If they're mad at us,

If they reject us,

Then I'm unsafe.

I'll have to feel pain.

I'll be abandoned.

So it's not even like a genuine love and care.

And if it's a program,

The program often says like,

I'm selfish.

I'm a terrible person if I don't care about others first.

And then we're caring about others not because we are really putting them first,

But because we're scared to view ourselves as a terrible selfish person.

But you're not terrible and selfish if you put yourself first.

It's natural to put ourselves first.

Once we take care of ourselves,

Then we can take care of others with love.

If we feel safe within ourselves,

Only then can we really love and care about others.

So you can tell yourself now,

It's not my job to make anyone else happy.

And see what comes up in you.

And whatever comes up in you in resistance to that,

Let it go.

Imagine it flowing out of you.

It's okay.

You don't have to hold on to it anymore.

Tell yourself,

It's not my responsibility if they're suffering.

See what comes up in resistance to that and let it go.

It's everyone's own job to take care of their own feelings.

If us following our heart,

Doing what we feel pulled to do,

Triggers someone else's pain,

It's their responsibility.

That doesn't mean we have to be mean about it.

I don't care because it's their responsibility.

It's more like I have compassion for them.

I see it's painful that they'll be triggered.

But I have to trust that they can handle it.

Maybe even give them a little support in handling it.

Or point them in the right direction.

But I have to follow my own heart,

My own intuition.

So if you catch yourself putting others first,

First recognize,

I don't need to do that.

That's not right.

That's not serving them.

It doesn't help them to actually undo the causes of their suffering.

It's not actually any human being's primary job to take care of someone else.

And then second of all,

To access those feelings,

Those feelings of I don't deserve to live or breathe or have joy if I'm not first taking care of others.

And notice those feelings and just let go of them.

Imagine them dissolving.

Imagine them leaving your body.

Feel them maybe and just express them.

You don't need to carry it anymore.

You have permission to take care of yourself first.

Take care of your own joy,

To love yourself first.

And then if you have space left over,

Give some love,

Support others.

But you got to take care of yourself first.

So I'm here in support of that and you taking care of you and you watching over you and you loving you and you giving yourself joy and pleasure and safety instead of looking for it from others by taking care of them.

It works much better.

So I hope this helps.

And if you find it helpful,

Let me know.

Share with me.

Share a comment.

It's important for me to see what it does with others so it keeps inspiring me to make more videos.

Or share it with a friend.

Pass along the support.

I wish you a beautiful day.

Bye.

Reviews

i so needed 2 hear this....
wish it had background music.
silence is loud
thank you

Excellent! I’m so glad I stopped hesitating to listen to this track. It was freeing and so much truth. Thank you once again🙏🏾

Thanks Noah - I am finding all your talks so incredibly helpful right now. Thank you for sharing this wisdom and reminding me what I know deep inside but had forgotton
🙏

I don't recall having this problem, although I do enjoy giving to others, and sharing in happiness. My Ex girlfriend was (is still maybe) very nurturing. She may have done this with me. She didn't need to. I loved her already.

I liked your take on living with peace within my own soul! A very helpful concept and perspective for deprograming from my parents programing. Thank you!!

I totally needed to hear this ...
If we are not ok...then how can we truly help others.sometimes a period to re ground ourselves makes us stronger.then able to give.we cannot pour from a empty cup

Wise words. Especially about parents wanting a child to make them happy, instead of making the child happy. Thank you.
Have a beautiful day.
🍀☀️🙏🏾

Truly appreciate your talk about undoing the social and cultural conditioning. Thank you 🙏🙏

This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I often feel pulled in so many directions & in the end i am the one who suffers or feels overwhelmed.

Good reminder for me to live without guilt. It’s okay to take care of me.

A great reminder, the urge to help, support, to care, to find a solution for those who are hurting can be mentally exhausting even debilitating to one's self. I'm slowly realising that I can't' fix or take away some one issues by spending sleepless nights looking for a solution for them. To be a present to care and listen can be enough.... I'm work in progress

Really struck me when you discussed have a child to make “me” happy and how we do so early on have those beliefs of having to make others happy- especially parents but it flows into so many other areas of people pleasing and not standing up for ourselves. “Don’t rock the boat”, and also not being direct and wrapping up disagreements in a bow of tolerance. I think that goes into chipping away at our own self worth over time. Thank you 🪽✨❤️

a beautiful and caring set of affirmations paired with thinking through my feelings. I was able to start processing my pattered thoughts about other-caring as more important than my own right to breathe, easy in my body ,and be loved. thank you!

Excellent talk. I think the need to make others happy is often deeply rooted in the need for acceptance – outward acceptance. Somehow, if I lose myself in the needs of others,they’ll take care of me. In someways it’s an unconscious manipulation, which dampens the ability to truly love oneself and others.

I needed to hear this!! Thank you. Your practical view is so welcome on what could be quite a misunderstood subject. I shall return to this often as a reminder. ❤️

This is just what I needed to hear today. Thank you from my heart.

I had to learn this in my life recently. I let ppl go and feel bad about it. Then I realize I'm suffering cause I neglect my self

Very helpful. I felt like you were speaking directly to me about my experience. Thank you!🙏

This is exactly what I needed to hear 💜🙏🏽
Thank you Noah!

I needed to hear this today. Thank you Noah 🙏🏻🪷🕊️💗