How To Deal With A Break Up

This track describes how to deal with a break up in a way that you almost certainly never heard before. It is meant to provide immediate relief. I will guide you through identifying the most common beliefs causing pain after a break up, then help you to disbelieve these false conclusions.

Transcript

How to deal with a breakup.

More specifically,

I'm going to explain why the other person broke up with you or cheated on you.

And this explanation is going to make you feel a lot better probably.

Okay,

So when someone breaks up with us or they cheated on us,

We automatically assume something is wrong with me.

Something is not good enough about me.

Right?

And that creates a feeling of hurt and it creates anger towards them.

They did something wrong.

So there is some truth to that,

But not the truth that you think it is.

Okay?

So in order to see why they broke up with you or why they cheated on you,

You first need to clearly understand why you are in the relationship.

Why you entered into the relationship in the first place and why you stayed in the relationship.

And the simple answer is because you believed it would make you happy.

So take a moment now and just look for yourself.

What do you want most in life?

What do you want more than anything else?

What is the number one most important thing to you in life?

And you may come up with different answers like success,

Wealth,

Love,

Marriage,

Relationship,

Something like that.

But now let me ask you a follow-up question.

How do you hope to feel when you get what you want?

Well,

You hope that it will make you feel peaceful,

Happy,

Whole,

Sufficient.

Right?

The truth is that the most important thing to you,

What you want more than anything else,

Is just peace and happiness.

To not suffer from anxiety,

Insecurities,

Worry,

Anger,

Resentment,

All that sort of stuff.

You just want to live in peace.

That's it.

And you have all different ideas about what will bring you peace.

So you may think what I want most is a relationship,

Marriage,

Kids,

Whatever.

But that is not what you want most.

That is the means to get you what you want.

For example,

You may think you really want ice cream in a given moment.

You don't want ice cream.

You want the feeling you hope ice cream will give you.

Pleasure.

But you think you want the ice cream,

But you really just want the pleasure.

If the ice cream didn't give you pleasure,

You wouldn't want it.

So the same is true with your relationships.

You enter into a relationship for one purpose only,

To make you happy.

That is it.

Look for yourself.

If I gave you two options,

Be in a relationship and be worried,

Angry,

Fighting,

Insecure all the time,

Or be single and be happy and in peace and feel whole.

I'm not saying those are your only options.

I'm just saying if those were your two only options,

Which would you choose?

Well,

It's an easy choice,

Isn't it?

You choose peace and single over suffering and in a relationship.

That proves that what you really want is peace,

Not a relationship.

Relationship is the means.

Okay?

So now that you see you entered into the relationship to make you happy,

Basically you had a job opening.

I am looking for the one to make me happy.

That's what you're doing.

It may seem a little harsh,

But it's the truth.

You entered into a relationship looking for someone,

Some candidate to fill the job opening for the one to make me happy.

And if they fail,

If they don't make you happy,

You would fire them,

Dismiss them,

Break up with them,

Wouldn't you?

If you're entering into a relationship to make you happy and it makes you less happy,

It makes you unhappy,

Of course you get rid of them.

They're in your life for one purpose,

To make you happy.

And you may have an idea,

No,

I'm in the relationship,

I just want to make them happy.

But if you look closely at that,

You really just want to make them happy so that they will love you,

So that you can feel,

Yay,

I am lovable,

I am worthy.

You see,

When you believe somebody else loves you,

It gives you proof,

Evidence,

Something that I am okay,

I am worthy,

I am likeable,

I am lovable.

So you think that you're trying to make them happy,

But you're only trying to make them happy to make you happy.

That is it.

So just look at that.

In the relationship,

You really just wanted to make yourself happy,

That's why you were in it.

That's why you hired this other person to make you happy.

And if they don't fulfill the role,

If they don't satisfy the job description,

The one to make me happy,

You fire them.

So now look,

Did they meet the requirements of the job description,

The one to make me happy?

When you were in the relationship,

Did you not have worries about whether they love you?

Did you not have judgments about them?

Did you not have anxiety about the future?

Did you not have judgments and arguments?

Did you not still have insecurities about your personality,

Your looks,

Your job?

Did you not still have anxiety and issues in your work?

Did you not still have sadness,

Disappointment,

Everything else that you started with before you entered the relationship?

Of course you did.

Of course you had all this suffering while you were in the relationship.

It didn't give you peace,

Contentment,

Satisfaction,

Freedom,

Or any of that stuff.

What it gave you is moments of pleasure,

Moments of suffering,

And just a general,

Broad sense of lack in between.

Right?

Just look.

Yes,

There was moments of pleasure,

You had so much fun together,

But then you went right back to the thoughts that create your anxiety,

Worry,

Shame,

All that other stuff.

Right?

So what happens is when you're in a relationship,

You get some positive thoughts out of it.

It means I'm worthy,

It means I'm lovable,

It means my life isn't missing something because at least I'm not single.

Or it gives you excitement,

Which most people refer to as love.

Right?

Excitement about the future.

I finally found the one to make me happy.

But that's not love,

That's a thought about the future.

And it gives you distraction from your thoughts.

When you're entertained,

Then your attention isn't on your thoughts,

So you're happy.

But if the other person actually was making you happy,

Factually,

Then in any moment that you were with them,

You would have no choice but to be happy.

But yet that's not the case,

Is it?

In some moments when you're with them,

You're happy.

In some moments when you're with them,

You're not.

It depends on what thoughts are in your head.

So now here's the killer question,

The number one most important question.

Can a significant other,

Can another person delete the thoughts in your head?

In other words,

Can another human being make you peaceful and happy?

You see,

When we ask the question,

What can make me happy,

We look at happiness as like it's something given to us,

Like it's a layer.

If I just find the right sweater to put on,

Then I'll be happy.

If I just find the right person,

The right something,

It will give me happiness,

As if happiness is external.

But we need to reverse the question.

What makes me unhappy?

And that is very simply thoughts.

Thoughts create worries about others' opinions.

Thoughts create anxiety about the future.

Thoughts create anger,

Resentment,

Disappointment,

Sadness,

Insecurity,

Shame,

And everything in between.

Jealousy,

Envy,

You name it,

It's all thoughts.

So when you're asking,

Can another human being make me happy,

What you're really asking is,

Can another human being delete all the thoughts in my head?

Or even any of them?

No,

It can't.

If you believe a thought that says,

My life is insufficient because I'm single,

Then if you enter a relationship,

Yes,

You will lose that thought.

But now you'll have new thoughts that worry about losing them,

That worry about whether they still love you,

That worry about if they're with somebody else.

It's not like being in a relationship can give you the happiness and peace that you want.

Do you see that?

It's very important to see that.

So now,

Back to the main question,

Why did they break up with you?

Why did they cheat on you?

Well,

You entered the relationship to make you happy.

They were a tool to make you happy.

They were filling the job opening to make you happy.

And every human being is the same in that way,

Or at least every human being I have come into contact with,

Which is a decent amount by this time.

So why did they enter the relationship?

To make themselves happy.

That is all.

That's why they entered into it,

To make themselves happy.

So why would they leave?

Why would they cheat?

There's only one reason,

And that is they are not happy or at peace.

They are not.

If they were,

They wouldn't leave.

If they were,

They wouldn't cheat,

Right?

So you think,

Oh no,

That means I'm not good enough.

I couldn't make them happy.

And that is true.

You couldn't make them happy.

But neither can any human being.

You think there's something insufficient about you,

Wrong about you,

Lacking about you,

That you couldn't fulfill and make them happy.

Nobody can make somebody else happy because nobody can delete the thoughts in someone's head.

You see,

We think that the job of a partner,

The job of a boyfriend,

A girlfriend,

A husband,

Is to make the other person happy.

And if you fail at that,

You are insufficient,

Wrong,

Something,

Right?

But that's not true.

It is not.

It is a job that's doomed for failure.

If someone enters into a relationship,

Right,

With you,

Hoping that you can make them happy,

You are doomed for failure.

You will never succeed at that,

Ever.

How could you?

All you can do is give them a nice distraction,

Give them some fun.

But they're still going to go right back to all their other thoughts,

Their insecurities,

Their shame,

Their lack,

Their problems at their job,

All their judgments about you,

Because you're not going to match every definition of perfect they have in their head.

There will always be things that they think is wrong.

And even if you were perfect in every way according to them,

And even if you were,

Made them so unbelievably happy when you were together,

Then they're going to have bigger anxiety about losing you,

Bigger worries about whether you're cheating,

Bigger worries about everything in regards to the relationship,

Right?

Which means they aren't happy,

Which means they need escape.

They need to escape their thoughts,

Right?

So most people,

If they're in a relationship and they are not at peace,

They assume something is wrong with the relationship.

They're not good enough at sex,

They're not good enough at talking to me,

They don't appreciate me enough,

They don't love me enough,

They don't respect me enough,

They're not fun enough,

They're not something enough.

They just assume that they're not happy because something is insufficient about the other person.

Something is not the right fit,

Something is wrong.

So we go from guy to guy,

Girl to girl,

Hoping the next one will be the right one to make me happy.

It's really a joke.

We never realize,

Wait,

I'm not addressing the thoughts in my head.

I'm looking to another human being to delete my own thoughts that I'm not even willing to look at.

So why did they leave you?

Because you couldn't delete the thoughts in their head.

You couldn't eliminate all the thoughts that make them unhappy.

And nobody can.

Nobody can.

That is impossible.

So if they cheat on you with somebody else,

You think,

Oh,

It must be because they're better,

More beautiful,

More something.

But they cheat on you for one simple purpose.

They have this illogical belief which says,

That will make me happy.

Being with somebody else will make me happy.

This person can't make me happy.

I need to go to somebody else.

It's true this person can't make you happy.

But eventually you have to recognize nobody can.

So they left you because you were not good enough to make them happy.

Yes,

It's true.

But nobody's good enough to make them happy.

Nobody is good enough to make you happy.

If you're really honest about the relationship,

You'll see they didn't give you peace and happiness.

They gave you moments of pleasure.

But so can watching TV,

A movie,

Listening to a new song,

Eating ice cream.

Anything can give you moments of pleasure.

But that is not what you want most.

What you want is peace,

Freedom,

Happiness,

Lightness,

Wholeness,

To feel complete,

To stop worrying,

Anxiety,

Stress,

Anger,

Sadness,

All this other stuff.

That's what you want,

Not a relationship.

And that doesn't mean you can't have a relationship.

Of course you can have a relationship.

There's no harm in it whatsoever.

But if you're using the relationship to make you happy,

You're just going to fail.

And you're going to end up getting angry at the other person,

Or thinking something is wrong with you,

Because it doesn't work.

Ever.

You can be happy in a relationship.

You just can't go to a relationship and succeed in making you happy from the relationship.

Right?

Because it can't delete the thoughts in your head.

So how to deal with the breakup?

Discover that it doesn't mean something is wrong with you.

Discover that the relationship never really gave you what you wanted.

Okay?

So I hope that helps,

And I'll see you on the next video.

Bye.

Reviews

Very wise and true. I’ve never heard this perspective before, and it helps me heal. Thank you 🙏

This actually helped a lot. Thank you. I do have a lot of guilt every time I can’t make someone else happy but it’s irrational because we can only make ourselves happy. 🤔

Interesting premise and revealing that we need self love most to go into love relationships… thank you 🙏🏼❤️

Truly helped greatly! Thank you for your words of wisdom and helping to better understand

Noah,
Thank you for this clear, realistic and healthy perspective. I do still wish I had not instigated a breakup with her. All it did was ruin my entire year. And now no companionship. No one special to do anything with.
That being said, I do think we came together in Nov 2019 both a bit broken. Both looking for someone to make each other happy. Both looking for a diversion.
That being said - and based on what you laid out - of course that would eventually fail (4 years later). My cup still is not filled with happiness; therefore it can't run over with it. So I think making myself whole is my job now.
With her, I don't know, because she has stopped communicating with me now - there was no abuse, so I find that unnecessarily hurtful - especially from someone who was so kind to me.
I will try to become happy first, on my own, before even thinking about being open to a new person.

Loved this insight into loving the self first and foremost I appreciate the frank and honest approach in recognising unrealistic expectations of others and from ourselves This is an enlightening talk that helps to release dependency on others to make us happy Loved it ♥️

Been years since I watched this guy on YouTube. When I saw the name Noah Elkrief again, I immediately stopped for a listen. So much awesome logic and sanity in just 15 minutes. Thanks for all the reality checks, Noah. ❤️

This helpful thank you. This talk is the no nonsense, sensible chat I need at this time. I recommend this for anyone going through a break up. This is one to bookmark.

Really insightful!
Very different way of looking at things!

That was worth another listen so it sinks in! Really wise!

My mind is blown.
It’s way too simple, isn’t it?
I needed this today.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you. It's what I needed to hear tight now. It's made me question my own feelings of I'm not good enough, unlovable, no one will ever want to be with me after years of an abusive relationship hearing these statements before I got into a new relationship which unfortunately has now ended. Has made me believe the issue was all because I was not good enough. Thank yoh for giving me another perspective

Intense to take in but very informative. Thanks for sharing 🙏💚🙏

This was exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you for the wisdom and insight! I feel much better

I really loved this. Totally challenged my thinking but in a good way. Think I need to hear it a few times yet to help me work on it properly but I’m inspired. 🙏

Excellent guidance on the perception of why we go into relations and understanding what we truly want. This has been very helpful, thank you 😊

Thank you! Great perspective that I wish I realized long ago!! I will be back to listen a few more times. I was able to release a bit.

No matter how secure in yourself you are to be vulnerable and in love opens up the possibility for pain. This message helped me contextualise that hurt and has shifted my perspective overnight. Thank you so much

Wow I really needed this perspective. I was the one to leave my boyfriend. I feel devastated because I love him so much. But he changed his mind about wanting kids in the middle of our relationship. I couldn’t stop grieving the loss of our potential child together. This helped me understand that I had insecurities and sad thoughts a lot. And I didn’t want those anymore.

Thank you very thought provoking , I shall meditate on this as it has given me wonderful new viewpoint of my break up.