How To Heal A Broken Heart

Do you feel hurt or heart broken after a break up? This track is meant to help you get instant relief by helping you to disbelieve the false assumption that if your partner broke up with you, then there must be something wrong with you.

Transcript

I'd like to talk about how to stop feeling emotionally hurt.

So when we get rejected,

We often immediately begin to feel hurt or brokenhearted.

And because this feeling occurs directly after the rejection,

We naturally come to the conclusion that our hurt was created by the rejection.

It seems almost obvious,

So obvious why would we even question it?

But I'd like to challenge that.

The way I see it is that there's something that occurs in between the rejection and the feeling of hurt.

And that is thoughts.

Thoughts about the rejection are what actually creates our hurt.

So when we get rejected,

Let's say somebody breaks up with us,

When that happens,

We begin to think two things.

You might not be aware of what we're thinking,

That this occurs.

And that is when they break up with us,

We first guess why they broke up with us,

And then we decide unconsciously that they must be right.

So in other words,

We make an assumption about what they think,

And then we conclude that their assumption must be true.

So for example,

If they break up with us,

We think they must have broken up with me because I'm not good enough.

And if they think,

And that's the first thing,

And then the second part of it is,

If they think I'm not good enough,

I must not be good enough.

Or they broke up with me because they think there's something wrong with me.

And then the second part is,

If they think there's something wrong with me,

There must be something wrong with me.

Or they broke up with me because they think I'm not worthy of love.

And then the second thing we do is,

If they think I'm not worthy of love,

I must not be worthy of love.

And once we have this negative thought about ourselves,

Once we believe that their negative opinion is true,

We begin to feel hurt.

Once we start having negative thoughts about ourselves,

We're essentially worsening our opinion of ourselves.

Right?

We were feeling good about ourselves.

Somebody loves me,

I'm with somebody,

Or feeling okay about ourselves at least.

But when they reject us,

We have worse thoughts about ourselves.

And those worsening of the thoughts about ourselves creates the feeling of hurt or the feeling of a broken heart.

So what do you do about it?

Well,

If you want to stop feeling hurt,

You just have to recognize that somebody else's negative opinion about you isn't true.

That just because somebody else thinks something about you doesn't mean it's correct and right.

Right?

Generally,

It sort of seems obvious,

But generally as we go through life,

We often forget that or miss that.

Right?

When somebody rejects us,

We think there must be something wrong with me.

If our boss fires us,

We think I must not be good enough.

If our parents disapprove of us,

Then we think there's something wrong with me.

I must not be good enough.

I'm not worthy of their love or something like that.

But let's break down the flaw in this logic.

Right?

To do that,

Let's imagine a hypothetical.

Imagine that you're a parent and that you have a young child,

Let's say a four-year-old son,

And you're sitting with him as he plays a game with himself.

The game is to match wooden shapes and put them in the correctly shaped hole.

So find the square shape and put it in the square hole.

Find the triangle shape,

Put it in the triangle hole,

Like that.

Imagine he's playing this game and then he picks up a square wooden shape and he tries to put it in a triangle-shaped hole.

He can't fit,

Doesn't fit in there.

He can't do it.

And he says to you,

Mommy,

The square isn't good enough for this hole.

What do you think you would say in that moment?

What do you think you would think?

You would probably tell him something like,

Sweetie,

Just because the square doesn't fit in that hole doesn't mean that it's not good enough.

Just because the square doesn't fit in that hole doesn't mean there's something wrong with it.

So the same is true in our relationships in life.

Just because we don't match one person's definition of perfect doesn't mean we're not perfect.

Just because we don't fit in somebody else's hole,

Their definition of perfect,

Doesn't mean that there's something wrong with us.

It just means we don't fit their definition of perfect.

Right?

It doesn't mean that there's anything missing with us and that there's something wrong with us or that we're not good enough.

It's just a matching of concepts.

Everybody has different concepts about what is right,

What is good,

What is wrong,

Different concepts about what is beautiful and what is ugly,

Different concepts about what is caring and what is not caring,

What is funny and what is not funny,

What is annoying and what is interesting.

We all have entirely different concepts about what these things are,

Different definitions about what fit into these words,

What we like and what we don't like.

So just because we don't match somebody's definition of perfect,

It doesn't mean we're actually imperfect and there's something wrong with us.

Right?

Do you get that?

If one person breaks up with us,

They might think we're not attractive enough,

But that doesn't mean we're not attractive enough.

Somebody else might think we're too attractive for them.

We're ridiculously attractive.

What one person finds attractive,

Another one doesn't.

What one person finds annoying,

Another one thinks is interesting.

What one parent thinks is a terrible career choice,

Another parent thinks is an awesome career choice.

What one father thinks is a disappointing house,

Another father thinks is an amazing house.

What one boss finds to be unhelpful,

Another boss may value that quality.

Everyone has different concepts about what they value,

What they're looking for and what they want.

So we can't be not good enough.

There can't be something wrong with us.

Those ideas just exist as concepts in our minds.

They don't exist as facts.

Everyone has different ideas about what these words mean.

So if somebody rejected you and you want to stop feeling hurt,

You just need to ask yourself a few questions.

So I'll give you some right now,

But it's by no means an exhaustive list.

So you can ask yourself,

Am I sure that their opinion is true?

Could somebody else have a different perspective?

If somebody else could have a different perspective,

Can I be absolutely sure that their opinion is true?

Just because I care about their opinion,

Just because I like them,

Does that mean that their opinion is somehow more valid than other people's opinion?

Could somebody else think I'm wonderful and want to be with me?

If so,

Then is there really something wrong with me?

If I think there's something wrong with me,

Or they do,

Where is that?

Can I touch something wrong with me?

Can I hold onto it?

Can I see it?

Can I grab it?

Does it exist as a fact or does it only exist as a thought?

Could the opposite opinion be true?

Could somebody have the complete opposite opinion?

Do you always match this concept?

Maybe they think you're this way,

But are you always that way?

And if you're not always that way,

Is it true that that's who you are?

Right?

So those are just some questions and some ways to look at the feeling of hurt and how to recognize that somebody else's opinion doesn't mean anything about you.

It doesn't mean you're not good enough.

It doesn't matter what anyone says or what anyone thinks because their opinion doesn't mean anything.

It's not valid.

It's not true.

It's not right.

It's not true that you're not good enough.

It's not true that there's something missing.

It's not true that there's something wrong with you.

You can't touch that.

You can't hold that.

It doesn't exist as a fact.

It doesn't exist in everyone's mind.

It only exists as a concept in one person's mind.

And just because you match one person's definition of not good enough doesn't mean that it's true.

So I hope that helps.

And thank you for watching.

I'll see you on the next video.

Reviews

Noah is awesome! Much needed unconventional perspectives/outlooks in this as well as some of his other meditations. Thank you Noah!

Thank you 🙏

That was the most amazing thibg I've. Ever. heard. Can you direct me to a link to that so I can use it on my coaching page, if thats permissible?🙏

I have been struggling and most days feel like I’m drowning in my thoughts. This gave me a different perspective. If I can approach my situation with this mindset it will ease my troubles and quiet my mind. Thank you

The reminder I needed fresh out of an ending of a relationship. Even though on somewhat mutual terms, I’m still hurting. Thank you.

Very informative and many things I needed to hear. Many thanks for sharing 🙏💚🙏

A very inspirational outlook - it really opened my eyes to a different mindset, Thank you

Always a great talk to revisit! And share with others!🙏🏻tysm

Thank you. I needed to hear this tonight.

I have listened this one over 10 times now and I just can’t stop! It’s beautiful and healing and it warms up my heart! 🥰

Thank you Noah 🙏

Sweet and simple, I needed to hear this, helps me clearly see where the hurt is coming from and how to heal

My thoughts...I broke my 💔.
Do you know how much power can be taken back with this? ♥️

Vert interesting, helped me to see the situation from a different perspective

Beautiful thank you!

This was exactly what I needed to hear. It really is sound teaching.

Ahhh...this is pure gold 💛💝 thank you for sharing 🙏🏽

A great reminder that we are all amazing. Thank you!

This talk uncomplicates things and puts them at their simplest forms where it just is what it is. Thank you.

That deff helped. U are so right. I forgot this..but yes now i will keep it in mind!