How To Stop Being Jealous In A Relationship

This talk will provide you with insights and exercises that are meant to give you instant and lasting relief from your jealousy. We will explore the surprisingly misunderstood beliefs that cause jealousy and how to deal with them.

Transcript

Hello,

My name is Noah Elkrief and in this video I'm going to talk to you about how to deal with jealousy and anxiety in a relationship.

And the reason why I'm talking about both those topics in the same video is because they're really the same thing.

They both boil down to fear.

More specifically there's two types of anxieties which are really intertwined in a relationship.

One is the anxiety about whether they love you and the other is the anxiety about whether they're going to leave you.

And I'm going to talk about both of them because what happens is in order to lose your fear,

In order to lose your jealousy and anxiety,

You really have to understand what's behind it,

What's causing it and address it at the root.

If you just try to change their behavior,

You're going to suffer.

So let's look at the first one.

The anxiety about whether they love you or not.

So this one's actually quite tricky or it's a very clever trick by the mind.

And so what happens is we are trying to convince ourselves that they love us.

We may even fully believe they love me.

But here's the fundamental truth that nobody wants to admit.

You don't know whether they love you.

I know I have a hand.

That's known.

I believe they love me.

Or I know I have a job.

I believe they're going to pay me tomorrow.

Or I believe that I will have a job tomorrow.

We get very,

Very confused between what we know and what we believe.

Right?

So you will never,

Ever get to a point where you know somebody loves you because there's nothing that you can verify to prove it.

It's not like you can hold it in your hand.

I have their love.

It's intangible.

It's a concept.

It's imaginary.

It's not real.

So since it's not real.

If it was real,

You wouldn't need to worry about it.

You just have it.

Right?

If it was real,

There would be no fear of losing it because you just have it.

Nothing can take it away.

But since it's not real,

You constantly need it reaffirmed.

Right?

When someone proposes to you and marries you,

It seems like they must love me.

But does that mean you never need to hear them say I love you again?

Does that mean you never need to have them call you or sacrifice for you or whatever?

No.

Of course not.

Because you don't know they love you.

You're trying to believe it.

Right?

So how do you look for proof?

How do you look to reaffirm or strengthen this belief they love me?

I know they love me.

Well,

You look in reality.

Right?

And you say,

They called me.

That must mean they love me.

Or they got me a gift.

Or they remembered our anniversary.

Or they touched me.

Or they smiled at me.

Or they sacrificed for me.

That must mean they love me.

And so we look for their actions and their words and their expressions and whatever to constantly verify whether they love us or not.

Or constantly seem to verify whether they love us or not.

But no matter how much they do,

Since you don't know that they love you,

It will always be insecure and fragile.

Right?

Well,

Look for yourself.

What would they need to do in order to prove that they love you so you know it and then you never have to worry about it again?

You can't get to that point.

It's impossible.

Because you've never,

It's not known.

It cannot be known.

Right?

So,

If you can't know that someone loves you,

Well,

Then you're hopeless,

Right?

Well,

The only reason why we fear that they will stop loving us is because we believe if they love me,

That means I'm worthy and okay and lovable.

And if they don't love me,

It means I'm insufficient,

Unworthy,

Something's wrong with me,

I'll never be happy.

So as long as you believe that,

Of course you're going to fear them not loving you.

Of course you're going to fear losing their love.

So in order to be free of this anxiety about whether they love you or not,

It's not about convincing yourself further they love me,

It's about recognizing that who you are has nothing to do with whether they love you or not.

Right?

So,

In order to make that clear,

Or in order to help you see that,

Just take a moment and look now.

If they love a song,

Does that mean that song is better than any other song?

No,

They just happen to like it.

Somebody else might not like that song.

Right?

If they love a movie,

Does that mean that movie is great?

No,

Other people might not like it.

So if they love you,

Does that mean you are great and worthy and lovable?

No,

It's just a fit.

It's just a match of conditioning.

It's just,

That's all it is,

Right?

If they like brunettes and not blondes,

And you're a brunette,

Let's say,

Are you better than the blonde?

No,

That's just what they like.

Each of us has our own preferences and we're all unique.

Right?

So it's just a fit.

If they like you,

It's just,

That's their preference.

It doesn't mean you're better than anybody else.

It doesn't mean you're worthy or lovable or anything.

Because as long as when they say,

I love you,

You think that means I'm great.

If they don't love you,

That means you're bad.

So the way to be free of this is to recognize that even if they love you,

It doesn't mean you're special or worthy or amazing or likable or anything.

It just means you're here and it just fits.

Maybe,

Right?

You're outgoing and they love you because you're outgoing.

Okay.

Well,

Some people like someone who's less outgoing,

Who's a better listener,

Who thinks more before they talk.

Let's say they love you because you're successful.

Right?

Or some people like someone who devotes more time to charity or spends more time at home or works in a nonprofit or whatever.

Just because they love something about you doesn't mean it's good.

It just means that's what they like.

Okay.

Is that clear?

Or just looking at it the other way of you love them.

Does that mean they're amazing?

Does that mean they're more worthy or more likable or more special than someone else?

No.

It's just they match your preferences.

So once again,

In order to lose your anxiety about whether they love you,

You need to disbelieve the idea that their love means you're worthy,

Good,

Special,

Lovable or anything.

Because when you lose the idea that I am special when they love you,

You lose the idea I am unworthy or bad if they stop loving you.

Okay.

Because if they stop loving you or they like someone else,

It doesn't mean anything about you.

It doesn't mean you're bad,

No good,

Anything.

It just means their preference changed or they got bored or they realized you couldn't make them happy,

Which you can't because you can't delete the thoughts in their head that make them unhappy,

Right?

You can't get rid of their anxiety.

You can't get rid of their loneliness.

You can't get rid of their insecurities about themselves.

You can't get rid of their judgments.

You can't get rid of their sadness.

You can't make them happy.

So if they think a guy or girl should be able to make them happy,

Then they might end up leaving you because they think it's your fault.

Well,

That's not.

Okay.

So that's that part of it.

The second part of it is the anxiety about losing them.

Okay.

So you may think you want to stay in a relationship with them more than anything else.

That's what you want.

You really,

Really want them.

You love them.

You want to stay with them.

But that's not actually true.

Okay.

That may sound crazy to you right now.

But what do you want in life more than anything else?

What is the number one most important thing to you?

Is there anything you want more than peace and happiness and joy and fulfillment?

Take a moment and really look.

If I gave you two choices,

Stay in the relationship,

But have insecurities about yourself,

Insecurities about your personality,

Insecurity about your looks,

Insecurity about your job,

Anger,

Judgments,

Anxiety about whether they love you,

Anxiety about the future,

Anxiety about money,

Feeling guilty about your parenting,

Sadness.

I mean,

All this typical suffering that everybody has.

If I give you a choice of having all the suffering and stay in the relationship or end the relationship and be in peace and joy in every moment,

You never have anxiety again,

Never have worry again,

Never have guilt again or any of that stuff,

Which of those options would you choose?

And I'm not saying those are your two options.

I'm saying hypothetically,

Which of those two options would you choose?

Well,

For most of us,

If we're willing to really be open and honest,

We recognize,

You know what,

I'd rather lose all of my suffering and be single,

Right,

Or be with someone else even than to be with this person if they only made me suffer.

And I'm saying that they do.

You know what I'm saying?

If that were the case.

And what that proves is that we want happiness more than we want them,

Our partner.

We want to lose our suffering more than we want to stay in our relationship.

Okay?

So we confuse the means with the goal.

So if I tell you I really want ice cream,

I don't.

I want pleasure and I happen to think ice cream will give it to me.

So when you tell me I really want to stay in my relationship,

I really want to keep her more than anything else,

You don't,

You really want to be happy and you just happen to believe the way for you to be happy is to stay in the relationship.

So until you discover that what you really want is happiness,

Then you're going to have anxiety about losing them.

But if you recognize that you want happiness more than you want to stay in the relationship,

Well then all of a sudden we can question what makes me happy.

Is it true that I would be happier in the relationship than out?

So that's what we're going to look at now.

Okay?

But before I guess we get into it,

Let me just take a step back.

If I break my arm,

Is that good or bad for my life?

Well,

You would say it's bad,

It's pain,

It's this,

It's that.

How do you know?

If breaking my arm led me to the doctor's office and while I was in the doctor's office,

I meet someone that gives me my dream job or turns out to be the love of my life or gives me a book that helps me to see life differently and somehow I end up much happier.

When I look back 10 years from now and I'm so much happier,

Would I say that broken arm is good or bad for my life?

Well,

I would say it was amazing.

So when we say it's bad to break our arm,

We're evaluating that event in isolation.

Bad to break our arm.

But anytime we evaluate anything,

We need to ask the question,

Is it good or bad for my happiness in the long run?

And if we break our arm and in that moment we ask the question,

Is it good or bad for my happiness in the long run?

Well,

The answer is I have no idea.

I don't know what's going to come from this.

Right?

So,

When we look at our relationship,

Is it better or worse for your happiness in the long run to stay in the relationship?

How do you know?

So you're in a relationship right now and you seem to think it makes you happy.

But is that true?

Do you not have anxiety about the future?

Do you not have anxiety in work?

Do you not have anxiety about money?

Do you not worry about whether they love you?

Do you not judge them sometimes?

Do you not feel insecure sometimes?

Do you not feel like you're on show trying to make them love you and force yourself to say things that they will like?

Do you not have insecurities?

Do you not have judgments?

Do you not have everything?

Before you have happy moments,

Right,

A relationship can provide you with happy moments.

But so can ice cream.

So can TV.

So can music.

So can anything.

The happiness that you get in a relationship comes from the distraction,

Right?

Because when you're distracted from your thoughts,

You're happy no matter what.

No matter what's going on in your life,

When you're distracted from your thoughts,

You're happy.

And a relationship is one means to do that for you.

And on top of that,

The reason why you like the relationship is because when they call you,

When they smile at you,

When they touch you,

When they get you a gift,

When they something,

You get to tell a story in your mind,

Which is yay,

They love.

Yay,

It means I'm okay.

And it's not conscious,

Right?

Or maybe for you it is.

But it's going on and that creates this little warmth,

This little feeling of pleasure and you love that.

But as long as you have that feeling of pleasure,

You'll also have the worry and the anxiety.

That pleasure is fine except it comes with suffering.

You can't feel good when they say I love you and not worry about them stopping.

You can't attribute your happiness to someone else and not fear losing it.

You see?

So even though you're in the relationship now,

You're not at peace,

You're not fulfilled,

You're not feeling joy.

If you were,

You wouldn't be on this video.

And nobody is.

As long as you're human and believing in thoughts,

You're going to be suffering in a relationship,

Right?

Unless you start to see thoughts clearly.

So if you leave the relationship or if they leave you,

Does that mean you will suffer?

Does that mean you will be unhappy?

How do you know?

If you can discover that their love doesn't mean you're okay or good,

Then you can discover that if you leave the relationship or they leave you,

It doesn't mean you're bad,

It doesn't mean you're unworthy,

It doesn't mean you have to be unhappy.

Because a relationship can't make you happy because a relationship can't delete the thoughts in your head.

So if the relationship ends,

You're not at a disadvantage of being happy,

Right?

Because the relationship itself didn't make you unhappy.

Does that make sense?

So do you know whether you would be happy or in or out of the relationship?

Do you know your happiness is dependent on staying in the relationship,

Especially considering you're not happy and fulfilled?

Do you know that there's not someone else out there that's a better fit?

How could you possibly know?

So if you can see that you don't know whether you'd be happy or in or out of this relationship,

If you can see that what you really want is happiness and not them,

If you can see that happiness isn't dependent on another person saying,

I love you,

Especially because it can't make you happy at all,

Other than a moment of pleasure,

Then all of a sudden there's nothing to have anxiety about.

There's no outcome to fear.

You don't need to fear whether they love you or not because their love doesn't mean anything about you,

Right?

It just doesn't mean anything.

And you don't even feel their love,

You only feel the story in your head.

If you're in a relationship and they really love you,

Okay,

Imagine your relationship,

They really love you,

But you believe they're cheating on you,

How do you feel?

Well,

You feel terrible,

You feel angry,

You feel hurt,

Right?

And now if the opposite were true,

If they are cheating on you but you don't think they are,

You think they really love you,

How do you feel?

You feel great,

Yay,

They love me.

What that proves is you don't feel their love,

You feel the story in your head.

This has nothing to do with their love.

You don't feel it,

You only feel what thoughts are going on.

You don't want their love,

It can't make you happy.

You just want to stop suffering.

You just want to stop judging.

You just want to stop living with anxiety.

That's what you want.

But you just happen to,

You know,

Society and your parents and your friends has just created this idea that the way to lose all of your suffering is to get someone's love.

But you can see from your life,

From your own direct experience or from the experience of anybody you watch on TV or anyone you've met in your life,

If they're being honest with you,

You can see getting someone to love you cannot get rid of your suffering other than momentarily just like food can,

Movies can,

TV can,

Alcohol can and anything can.

Okay?

So,

I hope that was clear.

I hope that makes sense to you.

And feel free to ask comments below and I will answer them.

So thank you for watching and I'll see you again soon.

Bye.

Hello again.

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So thanks again for watching and I'll see you around.

Bye.

Reviews

That was lovely. Thank you so much.

You cannot feel pleasure without the pain of losing it.

This talk was immensely helpful to remind me of the things that I already know. Thank you 🙏🏼

Very helpful !
Completely different perspective that I needed to see. Thank you !

Just what I needed to hear ♥️

Wow. I’m going to have to re listen to this a few million times. The first time gave me so many 😳 moments I know I’ve a lot to integrate from what you shared.

Thanks you so much !!
Very true &
very helpful 🍀

That is some truth you speak. I needed that. Thank you 😊

Great talk, thank you for explaining it so clearly and with humour too. It takes practice to be able to think this way butt