The Adult Chair Podcast: Stories & Assumptions

We do everything we can to keep ourselves safe and loved in the world. To do this, we look to the past and gather up stories and then based on those stories we project into the future based on assumptions. Living like this creates stress and keeps us out of the present moment and stuck in the Adolescent Chair.

When we learn to become "story busters" and live from a place of fact and truth, we find ourselves seated squarely in the moment and in the Adult Chair.

In this episode, I share with you how easily and quickly we fall into stories and assumptions, and how quickly we can change our lives when we step into the moment and find our new truth from the Adult Chair.

Transcript

Hello everybody and welcome to the adult chair on RashPixel FM.

I am Michelle Schellfant.

Today we're going to be talking about stories and assumptions.

This is a really big topic because we all as humans do this and it really creates a lot of unhappiness.

But I'm going to talk to you about how we move away from storing assumption and find our adult chair and find happiness.

But first you can find out more about this show at theadultchair.

Com.

You can subscribe for free by signing up for our mailing list or find us anywhere the finest podcasts are served with a quick search for the adult chair.

You can join the conversation on Facebook or Instagram,

Which I'm new to but I'm loving it,

And make sure to request to join my adult chair private group on Facebook.

It is awesome.

It's blowing me away to watch all of these people in the adult chair private group that are learning how to live in their adult chair,

Learning how to be healthy.

These people are commenting and posting phenomenal questions and it's just like the most vulnerable supportive group.

So if that's what you're looking for,

Come join us in this group.

It blows me away every day when I'm looking at these posts.

And it's private,

So no one can see but the people in the group,

Which I love.

Second bit of information,

The Level 1 adult chair group or weekend intensive is April 28th and 29th in Nashville,

Tennessee.

Come join us if you want to come and experience for two days all the work or all the information that we're doing on this podcast.

We work on it over the course of the weekend.

It's just a magical,

Magical weekend.

I love it.

It's one of my favorite things to do.

So come join us and if you're coming from far away,

Look at tickets on Southwest Airlines because Southwest,

We're a hub for Southwest.

So tickets are relatively inexpensive flying into Nashville on Southwest.

So,

Okay,

Stories and assumptions.

This is such a just a hot topic for me because we live here.

We live as humans in stories and assumptions because most of us live from the adolescent chair.

So this is the place where it's ego-driven,

Meaning the ego part of us comes from fear.

It's based in fear because it's based in fear to keep us safe.

This part of us is we navigate around the world trying to keep ourselves included in groups.

Okay?

And this is based on a part of the brain that's over 150,

000 years old,

By the way.

And I've said this before.

This part of the brain says if you get kicked out of the tribe,

You're dead.

Think about this.

Way back when you're living in a cave and you're in a group,

If you get kicked out of that group for whatever reason,

You get thrown into the woods and some wild animal is going to eat you and you're as good as dead.

So that part of the brain still exists in 2018 for all of us.

It was not updated in the brain.

So it's very,

Very old.

And that's where these stories and assumptions come from.

Stories and assumptions,

We're trying to navigate and keep ourselves safe at all times.

We live with defenses and that's part of what the stories and assumptions are.

Let me explain a little further.

I had this phenomenal example that just came up.

My husband and I were having a conversation last night and I said to him,

Hey,

I said,

I'm going to go to bed.

It's late.

So I just went in and I said good night to him.

And we're doing this new thing.

It's not exactly new.

We do it off and on but we just picked it up again which is a feeling check.

It's called a feeling check meaning so I'll check in with him and say,

Hey,

I just want to check in.

What are you feeling right now?

And he'll check in with me.

We connect and then we just,

You know,

It takes like a minute but it's really great for my own personal growth,

For his personal growth and then for this connection of our relationship.

So I'm just asking him throughout the day,

Hey,

What do you feel?

I've done it off and on over the years but we just picked it up again.

So I love it.

So anyway,

I was going to bed and I said,

Hey,

No,

I'd walked in the kitchen and he was working and I said,

I'm going to go to bed.

He goes,

I'm just going to finish up here and have a glass of wine and I'm going to bed too but I have a lot of – I think he said he had a little bit more work to do so he's going to be up for a while.

I said,

Okay.

He says,

Hey,

Let's do our feeling check.

And I said,

Okay.

And I said,

Well,

He says,

Well,

He goes,

Well,

I'm feeling really peaceful and accomplished right now and he's got a lot done and whatever else he said.

Really nice things about him for himself.

He felt really balanced and then he said to me,

How do you feel?

And I said,

Well,

When I walked in,

I felt – I said,

I can tell you because I remember walking in feeling really balanced.

I said,

And I still feel very much in balance and peaceful.

I said,

But when you mentioned the wine,

I felt a little bit of my chest start to shake,

Like a little bit.

It wasn't a lot and I said,

And I'm not quite sure what that is but I'm going to have to find out what that is.

I don't know what that means but I feel a little bit shaky in my chest but otherwise I feel pretty much still in balance.

And that was it.

And he said goodnight and I said goodnight.

I went to bed.

I woke up today and prepped for a podcast,

Did some research,

Had an interview this morning on the show and finished the show and it was lunchtime.

He said,

Hey,

I'm going to go grab lunch.

Why don't you come?

So we went and grabbed lunch together and I could tell he was a little bit off and I said,

I'll ask him about that at lunch.

So he sat down and he said,

Oh,

How was your show?

And I said,

Oh,

It was great.

I talked a lot about emotional intelligence and with men specifically and I gave him some different examples and I could feel his energy was off and not 100% but he was sliding.

I could feel it.

And then I stopped and he said,

Well,

I want to share a few things with you.

And he said,

You know,

He was telling me that he felt really judged by me and he was going on about how,

You know,

I can't remember his exact words but something about feeling,

You know,

Judged because I was saying that he was emotionally not intelligent and the drinking thing from last night,

He felt pressure because I judged him for the drinking and I'm like and I just listened and I have to,

I just want to share this as a little tiny tangent.

As he was talking with me,

I consciously sat across from him.

I did not cut him off.

This is something I've been working on for years and I am getting so good at it,

Just practicing this adult chair model in my own life and I sat as he was talking and he was just sharing how he felt very judged by me which I have to tell you all,

I didn't judge him in the least bit but I listened to what he was saying and I put both feet on the floor and I was really present with myself and made sure I did not from my codependency years and I think it's something I'm always going to be working on.

I didn't swoop in to try to save him.

I just listened but the thing that is so important when we're codependent is to stay connected to ourselves which I did such a great job.

I'm just going to cheerlead myself for a moment because most of my life I would have swept,

Swooped in and tried to take care of him and fix it and I'm like that's not my job.

So I sat back and I listened and I put my feet on the floor and I made sure that my feet were open and I was grounding and breathing slowly and I just let him go on and on and he was telling me how I was judging him and all this and I said wow.

Then he was done and I said wow.

I said thank you so much for sharing.

Now mind you,

I don't agree with any of it but I really was appreciative that he shared with me what was going on with his reality.

So I said to him,

Thank you very much.

I said may I share with you what my truth is now?

I said here's my reality and I did and what I realized was again as he's saying all this was he was living in story and assumption.

He made up a huge story about me judging him for drinking and I don't care if he had a glass of wine.

That was not it.

I was trying to get my clarity on it.

I was trying to feel clear about wow it's late.

Am I okay with him having a drink at that hour?

I have a lot of baggage because I grew up in my family of origin with a lot of drinking so I have to get really clear with myself about how I feel with things like that.

I don't want him to change.

It's for me to decide what I'm okay with.

So I shared that with him and then I went on to the podcast and he said you think I am emotionally unintelligent and I said wow.

I said let me tell you what's true about that.

You didn't even enter my mind.

I said as I'm sharing this whole story with you and what I did with this podcast,

You didn't even enter my mind.

I said I didn't even think about you.

I'm not sharing this with you because you weren't using this as a teaching experience to get me to be emotionally intelligent.

I said no.

I said you're living in story and assumption right now.

You're making up a lot of stories in your mind and assuming that I'm trying to be manipulative and get you to change who you are and that's not what I'm doing at all.

And there was silence and it was beautiful and I don't say this at all to judge him or say he's right or wrong.

I make up stories and assumptions too.

It was just a very fresh example of how and I said to him you know we really need to get good at asking each other more questions especially when we start going into story and assumption because you have been really feeling off around me since last night is what I'm guessing and he said yes.

And I said so it's important that you get to me as soon as you can and ask me hey is this true because I'm thinking this and I'm making up a story around this.

So such a beautiful example of a story and assumption and again I am certainly not perfect but I'm getting much better the more I practice this model the better that I become at busting that story.

I love busting a story and finding truth.

So but we do this.

We really live from a defensive place.

It's unconscious in this adolescent share.

We're worried we're going to get kicked out of the tribe.

We're worried we're not going to fit in.

We're worried that we're being judged and most of the time we're not.

And I wish I could remember the source where I read this fact which is 97 percent of the time our stories and assumptions are incorrect.

They're incorrect.

Now we might be sort of close or on sort of close or in the vicinity of truth but 97 percent of the time they're not 100 percent accurate.

So remember that.

They're not accurate.

So the problem is with story and assumption is that they create anxiety.

Stories and assumptions send us straight into not knowing what's true so it starts to create all these emotions bubbling up inside of us and the brain tries to push them down which is anxiety.

Remember what anxiety is.

Remember what anxiety is?

It's the physical manifestation of unfelt emotions or feelings.

So when we make up stories and assumptions it's like we're living on fantasy island and we're making up all these ideas in our head trying to figure out what's true but we don't quite know what's true so all this anxiety builds up and I know I've used this example before but it's such a great example.

I'm going to use it again because similar things like this have happened so many times in my practice where I have my three chairs set up in my office and the client comes in and I had this client that came in a few years ago,

She came in and she used to come in every week and she came in and she was crying and I said,

Oh my God,

What's happening?

And she said,

I'm just going to report in from the chairs and I said,

Beautiful.

So she sat in her adult and she started sharing that she was going to get fired from her job because they have all these layoffs happening and she was the last one to get hired and she's so upset and she really likes this job and I said,

Whoa,

Whoa,

Whoa,

Can you slide over one chair?

You're not in your adult.

You're in story but keep going and then she did and then I had her stand up and I had her shake it off and I had her walk around the room,

Stomp her feet a little bit to kind of get out of that adolescent state that she was in and I had her then sit in the adult chair and take a deep breath and slow everything down and I said,

Okay,

Put your feet on the floor,

Take a breath and tell me now what's true about your job and she said,

I am afraid I'm going to get laid off and I said,

Yes.

She said,

They're doing all these layoffs in my office and I said,

Okay.

She said,

I was the last one to get hired and I said,

True and then she was searching in her mind for another truth I could tell.

I said,

She goes,

Well,

That's it and I said,

That's it then.

There's nothing else and she said,

Oh God,

I said,

Everything else that you're crying about is story or assumption and I said,

Another truth that I know for sure that's true is that your boss loves you and you are his right hand woman.

Her boss was dyslexic and ADHD so he couldn't do anything without her.

I said,

I don't know that you'll be fired.

I don't know,

Maybe you will,

Maybe you won't be let go.

I don't even know but what's another truth?

What else can we do?

And she said,

Oh,

Well,

Maybe I'll send out a resume.

I said,

Great,

Go right ahead.

I said,

Well,

You could send out a few resumes,

Go for it.

I said,

That won't hurt.

I said,

What's another thing that you can do?

And she said,

I don't know and I said,

Why don't you go ask your boss if it's true that you're on the list of people to get let go,

If he knows or doesn't know yet,

Maybe he'll share it with you.

She says,

Oh,

I forgot I could do that and I said,

Yeah,

That's what we do from our adult.

We gather information.

We live in fact and truth.

We make choices.

We don't know something,

We're going to go gather the information from the source of the information that,

Or from the source that has the information.

So I said,

Go ahead,

Go do that.

That's very adult.

She's like,

Oh,

Wow,

I'm going to do that.

I said,

Perfect.

So she was in story and assumption and had so much anxiety,

She couldn't even speak when she was in my office.

She was crying so hard and as it turns out,

She ended up getting a new job before they ever let her go.

And I don't remember,

I don't think they were even going to let her go or if they were,

It was going to be for not for quite a while.

So it turned out very well for her.

And her upsetness though was so much based in her idea,

The story or the assumption that she was going to get let go.

So we want to absolutely find fact and truth when we're stuck in the story that's making us upset and creating all this anxiety.

Story and assumption also,

It creates unhappiness,

Okay?

Creates a lot of unhappiness because oftentimes we build a story up around something that makes us feel bad,

Okay?

Sometimes we do an assumption that we try to make it so that we are like the hero of the story,

But underneath that all,

We still feel like,

Uh-oh,

What if it's not true?

When we don't know what's true,

Go find out what's true.

But stories and assumptions,

I remember over the holidays,

I was invited to a party from a new friend.

It was a dinner party and I went and had a lovely time and right at the end of dinner,

I had to get up and leave.

So I laughed,

Thanked everybody and then when I saw my friend,

Like a few weeks later,

She said to me,

You know,

Are you mad at me?

And I said,

I'm racking my brain like why the heck would I ever be mad at her?

I'd hardly ever see her and I said,

Why would I be mad at you?

And she says,

Well,

You left early from my party.

I thought maybe I'd done something wrong or I said something wrong or you know,

You were the only one that ended up leaving early and I didn't understand why.

And I said,

And she goes,

I really been upset about it.

And I said,

Well,

It's too bad you didn't ask me.

I said,

I didn't have time to sit down and talk to you about what's going on with me.

But I said,

I have not been sleeping well and at that time of your party,

I literally had not slept in about a week.

So I was exhausted and I pushed myself to even go to your dinner party and I went,

Had a lovely time,

But I was tapped out by eight o'clock.

So at nine o'clock,

I had to leave and it was nothing personal about you.

It was all about me.

I said,

I was just trying to take care of myself and I said,

I went straight home and went to bed.

And she goes,

Oh my gosh,

I had no idea.

I thought I had done something wrong.

So this is again how we've fallen.

She was in her story and assumption about me and I said,

No,

It's just,

It's not true.

So we don't know what's true.

Go ask.

It's so fascinating when I post something,

Whether it be on social media or even do a podcast around,

And I'm sure I'll get inquiries about this,

What I just said.

I'll have so many people,

Friends or family that'll reach out to me and say,

Hey,

Was that blog about me or was that story that you were talking about on your show?

Was that about me?

Did I hurt you?

Did I offend you?

And it's so ironic because if someone's hurt me,

I do my best to share with them that they've hurt me.

I don't hide it.

So I do my best not to live in that space.

So it's fascinating how many people that will reach out because we fall into that story and assumption.

We think it's about us.

We think we've offended somebody.

So we fall into that story and assumption quite a bit as humans.

Okay.

So what do we do to get out of story and assumption?

Here we go.

We have to become a story buster.

I love that.

Become a story buster.

So stop your stories in their tracks.

When you find your brain starting to go down the road of story or assumption,

Stop yourself.

No one else can stop you.

You've got to stop yourself and say,

Stop it.

I've got to find out what's fact and truth.

This is a story and we want to reroute that neural pathway.

We really do get in the habit of trying to build a story around a teeny tiny truth that we don't know enough about.

So we just try to fill it in with a story or an assumption.

So you have to start stopping yourself.

I will say out loud,

Stop,

Stop,

Stop,

Stop.

This is a story.

You're not going down that road.

Stop it,

Stop it,

Stop it.

We want to instead live with number two,

Live with fact and truth.

What do I know to be true right now in this very moment?

What do I know to be true?

And pause.

And just like I did with my client,

What's true?

And I got to tell you guys,

Living in fact and truth is really boring.

If we're used to having a little bit of chaos or a little bit of drama from our growing up years,

Fact and truth is really boring.

And we like to build those stories.

We can get going with those stories and we can make them real juicy.

And this is why this happened and this is why that.

It's like,

Uh-uh,

It's boring.

And again,

We've got the part of us that wants us to feel safe.

So there goes that story again.

But gosh,

Bring it back to fact and truth.

Bring it back into your adult chair.

Sit there and go,

Hold on.

What do I know that's fact and truth?

If you're a phenomenal reporter that knows I'm only going to report fact and truth,

What do you know that's true in this very moment?

That's what you want to tell yourself.

And if you don't know,

Remember from our adult,

I'm going to go gather information and find out what's true.

Okay.

Stop.

Here's three.

Stop searching for causes or whys.

Okay.

Why this or that happened?

Let go of the word why.

Why is not a good helpful word for us.

This happened because of blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And we got it.

We always make up the story about it,

Right?

So why do you think she did that?

And I'm sure that the girl that invited me to dinner said,

Why did Michelle leave so early?

Did you guys say something wrong to her?

I just would just wonder what was said about me at that party.

Again,

Not that they were gossiping,

But they're probably asking questions like,

Why did Michelle leave so early?

Do you guys know?

Did you guys say something wrong?

Or is she feeling okay?

Question,

Question,

Question.

It's like we're sorting and trying to figure out,

Oh my God,

Tell me what's going on.

Why did that happen?

Why is not helpful?

Again,

Go to fact and truth.

If I don't know what the answer is,

Go get the answer.

Gather information.

Shoot me a text,

Right?

Hey,

Why did you leave early from the party?

Are you okay?

Boom.

It takes it.

It takes it out of story and assumption.

And then we have to realize too,

You do not need to protect or defend yourself.

Just understanding this idea that the brain is over 150,

000 years old and it has not updated,

It doesn't know that we're not living in caves.

It doesn't know you're not a caveman.

It thinks you're still a caveman and the saber tooth tiger is coming or the wild crazy dinosaur is going to run into the cave and kill you or whatever,

The wooly mammoth.

I don't know.

But it's out there thinking these things are going to attack you or the guys in the other tribe are going to come in with their spears and kill you.

It doesn't know that that's not existing.

It thinks that at any turn you might get killed.

So it does come from fear,

This part of the brain,

And it's trying to protect you.

It's our job to go hold on a second.

I'm safe.

I'm okay.

And we have to train ourselves and remind ourselves that we're safe.

We have to remind ourselves that we are okay and we don't need to go into story and assumption.

I'm going to figure out what's true.

It's really okay to share with someone or ask someone this question,

Hey,

So and so,

I'm making up a story that,

Fill in the blank,

You're mad at me.

You're upset with me.

I've done something wrong.

I'm going to get fired that you don't love me anymore.

Whatever the blank is,

Fill it in.

And then at the end you say,

Is that true?

So hey,

Mary,

I'm making up a story that you're really upset with me.

Can you help me?

Is that true?

So we're just gathering information.

Just asking that question puts us in our adult chair and there's that energy in the adult chair,

This present moment that lives with fact and truth,

That responds versus reacts.

Remember the adult's not this airy fairy chair that never gets upset.

The adult feels all of the emotions.

But when we're in our healthy adult,

We know how to take care of ourselves.

We know when we are in fact and truth versus story.

We know when we're in story and assumption,

I've got to pull myself out.

This isn't helpful for me.

I'm getting lost.

I know for myself.

Man,

I can go into these stories for like an hour or longer and just keep going and going and going and going and making up these huge stories.

And then I go,

What am I doing?

Stop it,

Michelle.

And I've got to bring myself back and I'll go,

Okay,

What's true about what I am lost in?

It's like we're in fantasy.

We just keep going on and on and on and on and on.

So bring it back.

Write it down.

Think it.

Stand up.

Stomp your feet.

Tell your brain stop.

Get out of story and assumption.

It really does bring so much unhappiness when we live there.

We want to get back to fact and truth.

Okay.

When we live in story and assumption,

One final,

Final little fact,

We really live these small lives.

We want to live a big life and we do that by finding and seeking fact and truth.

Then we move on.

We don't need to live these little small lives where we're just making things up along the way.

Live boldly from fact and truth from your adult chair.

Okay.

Okay.

So first of all,

I want to say thank you all for again,

Posting your comments in iTunes.

It has been really helpful for other people to help find this show.

I'm really wanting to get the message out about the adult chair and help as many people as we can.

I'm doing it for free.

So thank you.

Every time that you write a review,

It helps other people find us.

So thank you for that.

The book I want to recommend today is a great one.

It's called You Are a Badass,

How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero.

It's S-I-N-C-E-R-O.

You can get this book for free because today's podcast,

Remember,

Is brought to you by Audible.

So you can get your free audio download and a 30-day free trial at www.

Audibletrial.

Com forward slash the adult chair.

Okay.

It's free.

You can get this book.

You Are a Badass,

How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero.

We'll put it in the post in the show notes.

Anyway,

Get it for free.

I love Audible.

I seriously listen to it all the time.

Audible,

There's an app on your phone and you can download the books right into your phone.

So wherever I am,

I love listening to things when I get out of the shower,

I'm in the car,

I'm doing dishes or making dinner.

It's like I've got a book on.

So there you have it.

Thanks everybody again for listening to the show.

I really,

Really hope that you can make it to the Adult Chair Live weekend intensive,

April 28th and 29th.

And if not,

I will just see you here on the podcast.

So thank you all and have a beautiful week and I'll see you next week right here in the Adult Chair.

Reviews

I live in story and assumption about money- this helped tremendously!

great info- i feel liberated from the craziness my brain has created. i especially appreciated the info about how the brain still fears getting kicked out of the tribe. as kids my three older siblings would not include me. i felt rejected or kicked out of the tribe. simply understanding the brains response to this has snapped me out of always making assumptions that go down a road of victim mentality

Loved it, really connected with it. thank you.

Really helpful, love the stomping round idea! Thank you Michelle 💜x

This is wonderful information and very relatable. Loved it!

So helpful and reassuring, thank you ♡

Again makes total sense of reality. Thanks

Oh my...this is great! I have got to really get into these chairs and understand myself from this perspective...i totally get this!!! Thank you!!!

So insightful and inspirational.

Great tips. Needed to hear this. Thank you.

Excellent subject with very useful real-life examples and practical take-away guidance. Thank you. 🕉️

Great message! Now, I need to go find and follow your podcast!

Truly amazing. It helped me to take a long hard look at myself, And realized that I make up stories and assume the worst about situations before getting true facts.

Thank you for another way of looking at authenticity and our true selves from the place of our heads rather than our ego. Stories and assumptions hold us back from living the truth. I am going to try to listen more and ask more questions too. Thank you!

Thanks for helping me adult. It is so hard!! :)

So eye opening to ask these questions! Love it!

Excellent, informative, and heart felt. A great listen!

Great podcast! I believe I do this often. This will certainly help me to come my truth and not assume. 👍🏾

The story telling is a continuous work in progress for me... thank you for the reminder.