527: Self-Worth Is An Inside Job

Self-worth is an inside job, but so many of us were taught to look outside of ourselves to feel valuable. In this episode, I’m talking about what self-worth really is, where it comes from, and how appearance, performance, perfectionism, people-pleasing, codependency, and outside validation can shape the way we see ourselves.

Transcript

Hello, Hello. Welcome to the adult chair podcast. I am Michelle Shalpott. Happy to be back with you in September. Can you believe it? Where did the summer go? Yeah, I feel like I blinked all of a sudden. Here we are in September. It's kind of crazy. Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful summer. It was so hot in North Carolina. Oh my goodness. Starting in May and then June, It was just 100 degrees all summer. It was crazy. But yeah, It was a great summer for me. I actually had a lot of company. My boys were back and forth several times. That was fun. But a lot of other people came too. It was just great. It was fun. It was so fun. I did a lot of creating too. Yes. Lots of creating. I have a lot of fun things coming this coming year. I spent a lot of time by the lake writing and writing and writing, Which I love to do. So just wait, I got some goodies coming for you guys as we go through the year. Today, We're talking all about self worth. It is an inside job. So today I'm going to be sharing with you. Really like what the heck is sell forth? It is an inside job. How do we build it? And I'm also going to talk to you. I'm going to touch on a little bit. What do we do with our kids? How do we help our children to build their own self worth? Cause God knows we all need it right now. You know, We live in this social media age and boy, Does this ding everyone's self worth if we don't have an healthy self worth. So that's what we're talking about today. So we're going to jump right in. Here's the thing that I hear from a lot of people is like, Well, Don't I have to earn self-worth? No. No, No, No, No, We don't have to earn it. And as I hear this from people or they ask me different questions about self-worth. I'm like, No, No, No, No, No. What I realized over and over again is that so many of us don't have self-worth and we're looking outside of us to find out who we are. That is a losing battle. That is a losing game. That does not work. That leads to really unhealthy self-worth, Unhealthy behaviors around self-worth, Unhealthy relationships, All the things. So we really, Want to anchor in healthy self-worth inside of self. That's where we're going and that's what I want to talk to you about today. So. If you think back right now to your own life when you were growing up, What did your parents or grandparents or aunts or uncles or coaches or teachers teach you? Reflect back to you about self-worth. And let me talk for a minute about what is self-worth. It's how worthy we feel, How valuable. I feel just in my own skin, Meaning I don't have to do anything. I don't have to be anyone. I don't have to do anything. I'm still about, I still have value in the world. I still feel worthy. So when I ask you that question, Like what occurs to you? What comes up for you? Do you feel like you have to perform? In order to feel worthy. Do you feel like you have to look a certain way in order to feel worthy or valuable? Can you walk to, Or can you, Let's just say this, Can you go to a grocery store or go out in public? And not be dressed a certain way or makeup or something like that. Just think about it. Or do you feel like you have to have an intelligent conversation and share that with people when you're with others to feel valuable? So when you think about growing up, What were you reflected? And again, Remember, No shame judgment. We're just trying to get clear about where did I learn this? What is my level of self worth? So Think about that for a moment. Then also think about your current life today. You know, We learned or earned self-worth or we again, Earning it not healthy, But we feel like sometimes if I look a certain way, If I perform and my people pleasing, Codependent, God knows you guys have heard me talk about this so many times, Codependency, That's how I felt worthy all those years. If I was helping, I have air quotes, You guys. If I was helping you, I felt my worth. With codependency, Our whole identity is built around this. Our sense of self-worth and value are built around or is built around helping others. So when I'm not helping others, I feel like I've lost myself completely. So that goes along with people pleasing and all those kinds of things. Perfectionism. Think about this for a second. You know, If you're not, If your house isn't perfect, If your life isn't perfect, If your children aren't perfect, If you don't look perfect, All the things. Does that sound like you? And if that's not happening, Do you feel worthy? Do you feel like you have value? So I swap out value and worth for the same. It means the same. So whatever resonates more with you, Use that word today. So when you think about this today, Like, Gosh, You know, I can't, I can't go out of the house without makeup or without my lipstick on or without looking a certain way or without acting a certain way or showing up in a certain way that's worth outside of you because truly our self-worth and our value, It's a very, An internal feeling. It's an internal knowing of who I really am. And our parents either model this for us and reflect so it's not just there's there are two parts to this our parents either or and let's say either or either or and and. How did your parents show up with their worth, With their value? You know, What did you observe when you were growing up in your household? Because if your parents had healthy self-worth and healthy self-value. There's a pretty good chance that then you also have healthier, Healthier self-worth and value because you saw that modeled in your household. So if your parents were able to speak up for themselves, Set healthy boundaries, Um, Not, You know, Able to leave the house in a certain way, You know, Were they out at dinner with a bunch of friends? Did you observe them not needing to speak up and share who they are and kind of do the braggy thing? Or were they just quiet? Cause they had such this secureness in who they were. They were really healthy with themselves, With their sense of self. They didn't have to even open their mouth. You know, You grow up with and. If we grew up like that, Then the chances are we might have a healthier self worth. In my own life, I grew up with a. . . A grandmother from Sicily, So an Italian grandmother who was about five feet tall. She dressed immaculately. I never saw her in pants. She was always in dresses or long skirts with beautiful blouses, Tons of jewelry. Her hair was perfect. And her name was Grandma Queen. And people called her Queen or Queenie. Now family and friends. In fact, I grew up thinking that was her first name. I did not know that she had another first name. I later found out as I got older that her actual name was Carmela. But she went by Queenie because she was the queen of the house. She was the queen. She ruled the roost. For a very, Very many, Many, Many, Many years. So people, Her nickname was Queenie and it stuck. Everybody called her Cleaner Queenie. So as you can imagine, This little tiny woman, She was a spitfire and she was all about, As you can imagine, What we look like on the outside. What I heard growing up was if somebody was polished, If they were well-dressed, What they looked like physically, She really admired people that were beautiful. She herself was not this gorgeous model-like woman. She was very well put together, But she herself wasn't, So she admired others that had beauty. So when I was a little girl, I was the first little girl in a long line of boys. So she had boys, I had cousins that were boys, And then here I came, The first little girl. So I was put up on this pedestal like, Oh my gosh, I'm the first little girl. So she really put me on a pedestal. And definitely, I was cute. I was a pretty little girl. And she would dress me up, And she would say, Come and walk, Michelle, For everyone. And I'd have to parade in front of everyone like I'm on a runway. And I was the shyest little girl. I clung to my mother's leg till I was six. I did not speak to anyone till I was six or seven. I was so shy and uncomfortable doing what she asked me to do. But she would always say, Oh, You're going to be a model, And you're going to do this, And you're going to do that. Clearly, She was very influential in the family. We lived with her every summer until I was 12, During the most developmental and important phases of my life. And again, Very shy growing up, But I heard this in my family, Not with my own parents, But more from her and my uncles, That looking a certain way was everything, And being beautiful was everything. So that was my self-worth and my value was based around very much outside circumstances. And what I realized was, Growing up as I, I remember being 30 and I saw a gray hair and I was like, Oh my God, What do I do with this? And then I had a wrinkle in my thirties and it was really such a blessing in disguise because I had to learn then all that's when I learned all about self-worth honestly, When I was in my thirties and it was a very, You guys know my story, But if you don't, I'm not going to go deep into it. It's on many other podcasts, But um, Boy, I was very depressed and anxious growing up. I was very, An empath, But also. Didn't know who I was because I was so validated for the outside. And when you're validated only for what's outside of you, It puts so much pressure on being perfect. And I went through a little bit of anorexia. I went through just like so much control and I've got to look a certain way. I've got to be a certain way. And it was a lot. It was, Again, I now know as I look back, I'm now in my fifties looking back, Boy, It was that a lot for some, For a little, Little kid. So when I got the first gray hair and the wrinkles, Guess what? It was devastating and cracked me open. It cracked open that false sense of self, That false self-worth, That the value that was placed only in the outside. And it led me down this beautiful journey of traveling inside of self. And I'm so grateful because I got to experience both sides of it. And that's what we're here for all the experiences that we have. So I learned how to build up that internal self-worth. The internal value, Regardless of what I look like on the outside. Now I just, I don't, It's not that I don't like to, Yes, I can put makeup on, Who cares? And, But I'm older, I'm in my fifties. So guess what? I look a lot different than I did when I was in my twenties and I'm good with it. And I really now value myself and I feel like I have self-worth because of what's on the inside. And it's a journey and it's something that nobody, Hear this. Nobody can ever take that away from me. And I look at now, If I get, Let's say, A negative comment on social media because of something, God knows why. There are a lot of haters out there, As you all know. I don't care. It's not that I don't have feelings and emotions. In fact, I feel very deeply. But I have such a healthy. It's not narcissistic, By the way. It's just healthy. I have a very healthy sense of self-worth and value. I just don't care. I don't need like I did for the first part of my life. I don't need other people to tell me who I am, To tell me that I'm good because of this or because of the outfit or because of the mate or whatever it might be. I don't, I don't care anymore. I leave the house now with my hair in a ponytail. I don't care what I look like. I've got, Gray hair is coming in. Who the hell cares? I don't care. Because I know who I am on the inside and I really like myself. So the anxiety has faded. The depression that I had once in my twenties gone and I didn't do it again. Hear me now. I'm not opposed to medications by any means, But I did it from building self worth and self value. It's a really beautiful process. So if this sounds like you, I just want to give you hope because there are so many ways to do this. I'm going to get, Get to them in a minute, But, If this sounds like you, Again, If you're someone that is codependent or a perfectionist or your performance, You know, I think about We're really careful with our kids. Thank God. I mean, I look back, I'm like, Thank God we did this right, Because we were not the perfect parents by any means. But I had a son that was a great soccer player. And we didn't validate him for that because I had already started learning about self-worth and I knew when you have children, It's important to validate them for who they are, Not their performance, Not that they, You know, Look a certain way. And in this day and age with social media, I find this to be probably one of the most important things we can do for our children. Is validate and reflect to our children, Not what they can do or what they look like, But for who they are. Yeah. So things like the things you want to say to your kids are things like, You know, I love how thoughtful you are. It's such a beautiful quality. I love that about you. I love how kind you are, Or I love how you persevered. I know you had a really hard year and you really persevered well. That's a great quality. I love that about you. So it's what they do on the inside that we want to validate them for because nobody can take that away from us. And once we're able to then, As children, Like really buy in or cling to those things, And then we start to do that for ourselves, Like we start to then validate self because we've heard it growing up. Really, Really important. Again, So I had the son that was such the great soccer player and My husband and I would say things like, Great game. You played really well. I love how you, You gave it your all today. Great game. That's about it. We wouldn't say, Oh my God, You're one of the best kids on the team. And he was like, That was true. And other parents would say that. And I'm like, We don't say that to him. We told him what, We love how much fun you had out there playing. Keep it up. Cause I worked with, As a therapist, So many parents over the years that had children that were, Oh my gosh, Like the women would come in and they're husbands would be screaming at the son because or the daughter because they didn't play do the sports games right and it was a borderline abusive and sometimes it was verbally abusive how the parents would come down so hard on those kids for not performing in a certain way. You know, We're all trying our best. And if we have a bad day, Then it's okay. So it's not to say we don't want to have boundaries with our children. That's not what I'm saying at all. And I'm not suggesting that we don't. Encourage our kids and set boundaries with our kids. It's that Is it the only thing that you're saying to your kids, Right? It's not building their self-worth when we only focus on these things, The outside or how they perform or if they're acting a certain way or if they're helping all the time. We just want to watch that. The other thing that I see so much now because of social media, And by the way, I grew up in an era that did not have social media. We still did it, But with social media, It's a thousand times worse. Comparison. So comparison, I realized, Though, Is not the problem. The self judgment is. It's Comparison can actually be a healthy trait. Let me give you an example. When I look at someone on social media who is older than me, Who is a woman that, Let's say, Even in her 60s or 70s or even in her late 50s, And they're at the gym. And they're working out two or three times a week or they're at home lifting dumbbells. I'm like, Dang, Look at those arms. Look at those legs. Like that's impressive to me. It can become a motivation for us. It's when comparison goes into self judgment. So if I look at that same woman and I say, Oh my God, That'll never be me. And look at how fat I am. And I've got these extra roles and my arms will never be like that. And I start judging myself. That's the problem. So what are you doing when you are looking outside of yourself at others? When it comes to self worth, Are you comparing and judging? Or are you finding inspiration out there? I look at these people that have, You know, This one woman that I saw on social media one time, She had this beautiful farm with all these crops and gardens and chickens. And I'm like, I want that. So again, It was inspirational for me. And I said, I someday want to have land and I would love to have chickens and have this huge garden because I like to garden. Inspirational. So again, Where do you go when you see these things on social media or when you look at others outside of you, Even if you're not on social media? If your children or you are finding that you are anxious or depressed, Let's start out with kids. Let me start out. If you have a child. That is starting to act anxious or depressed and you're hearing that they're not like so-and-so or they're comparing themselves, They're judging. We really want to sit with our kids and slow things down. I've said this for years, You can't fix anybody. You can't fix your kids either. But what we can do that's incredibly healing and transformational for kids is to sit with them, It's actually transformational PS for anyone on the planet, To be with someone in their pain, To be with someone when they're overwhelmed, When they're anxious, When they're depressed. Don't fix it. You can't, Your words, Let me tell you, Your words will never, Ever, Ever be able to fix anyone else on the planet. Your presence, However, Holding space can. Okay, So when we sit with someone and we listen, Again, Here's the caveat to this, Because I've had people ask me this question. Does this mean I just sit and listen over and over and over and over and over again to someone complaining? No, That's not what I'm suggesting. That's a whole other podcast. That's not what I'm suggesting. But if someone's coming to you and they have an issue, Let's take your kids for an example. Slow things down. Help them to really name what's underneath. This is why I'm all about feeling our emotions. So you might want to ask, Gosh, How does this make you feel? Tell me more and then you get quiet. You know, Somebody says, Why would you feel that way or don't feel that way? Does that make that person not feel that way? Now. . . When people have said that to me, Why do you feel that way? Why would you feel that way? Just stop it. Oh, Okay. Let me just turn that emotion off. We can't. But what I know that's true is that emotions process and metabolize through us. And when someone sits with us, There's a better chance of that happening. So when we have children that are anxious or depressed, Sit and listen and be with them. They need to learn how to express and feel their emotions. And allow the emotions to pass through, Okay? And then we want to ask them questions like, Wow. This is Adult Share 101, Right? What's fact and truth? What's 100% fact and truth? Not a story. Fact and truth in this very moment. If you are either struggling with the comparison, Going to self-judgment, Or your kids, Or anyone. That's where we want to go with them. That question alone can snap us out of the story that we're telling ourselves. And remember, Stories aren't true. We're making them up. Okay. We want to get to what's real and not let people get swallowed up by their stories. I'll never be like that. That's just, Oh my gosh, Look at me. I'll never look like that. I'll never be like that. I'll never have a relationship like that. I'll never have a job like that. I'll never have a housing. Is that 100%? Fact and truth right now in this moment, That you will never have a relationship like that. For the rest of your life. And you have to give a lot of space and let them answer. Because what happens is. . . The more we speak. The less time they have to process, So. Give them pause, Let them process, And let them come up with their answer. Okay? So. Let me go back to, If this is you, You want to ask yourself again, You can ask your kids the same question, But what story am I making up about myself? Right? What story is coming up? What am I saying to myself? Yeah, Because what happens is when we make up stories, We then typically attach meaning to it. And that's what sends us into a negative spiral. We go into anxiety, We go into overwhelm, We go into awfulizing, All of those things. So what we really want to do is go into what's fact and truth. What's this story? Is this even real? No. So we really want to move again and remember with self-worth, It is such an inside job. We want to move from reacting to getting curious. So when you pause and name, What you're saying and believing about yourself. It's a game changer. You want to get curious. So once you bust the story, Like, Oh my gosh, I am saying this about myself. I'm never, Ever, Ever going to find a partner ever. And then you get curious and then you can choose what you want to believe instead. You know, We forget the power that we have in choice. I get to choose what I think. Our thoughts don't have to be random. You know, We do have about 90, 000 thoughts a day that just drift in like clouds. And unfortunately we grip on to so many of them that aren't very healthy. And we forget that we actually have a choice over what we are latching on to and what we are not latching on to. What we choose we want to believe about ourselves. So what do you choose? You want to catch yourself making up stories before you go down the drain and completely lose yourself. When you feel yourself starting to spiral and getting overwhelmed is when you say, Hold on a second. What's happening here. Sometimes it feels like we're waking up out of a dream. It's like, Wait, What am I doing? This is so, What is happening? This is silly. Let me step out of this thought. Oh my gosh, I'm making up this story. I'm allowing myself to believe this story. I don't want to do this anymore. From our adult chair, We have choice. We get in the moment and we ask ourselves what's fact and truth 100% in this moment. And what you will find is that so much of what you believe or what you're thinking is not fact and truth in the moment. It's a story. So we really want to bust these stories wide open and get out of it. Get out of that story. That is so helpful for our self-worth. Okay, We need to talk about social media. Because I can't believe we have terms, But we do. Doom scrolling, Hate scrolling. And we doom scroll or hate scroll. About ourselves. You know, We go, We'll look at something and it's kind of what I was just saying before, Instead of going into inspiration, We look at something and we feel awful about ourselves. Then we go, Oh my gosh, Forgetting that so much that's on social media is filtered so much that's on social media. It's just not even real. And we just go into this doom scrolling. You need to come up with a plan before. The spiral starts before you go into that. Horrible space, Right? So you want to catch it think about an avalanche You want to catch it before it starts to become a giant avalanche? So when the snow starts moving at the top of the mountain we get out of the way So when our mind starts going into the doom and the negativity and the anxiety We want to have a plan ahead of time. So when we end the podcast today think about what do I do the moment? I start feeling doom the moment I start feeling anxiety. I'm I'm going to put my phone down. I'm going to walk around the room. For 30 seconds. I'm going to jump up and down for 30 seconds. I'm going to go walk outside and I'm going to come back inside because changing your state changes everything. You want to be looking at something different. Go look outside the window for 30 seconds. Go to the bathroom. Go do something to change your physical state and it will change your emotional state. But you want to create some sort of small interruption in order to change your state. So I want you to understand that all of these things that we do are feeding our self-worth, Okay? So are you feeding your self-worth healthy stuff? Or not so healthy stuff. You really, Really, Really want to think about this. If you are a self-worth animal, And we are, Right? We're animals. What are you feeding yourself? So one way to feed yourself that really builds healthy self-worth is through validation. You've got to look at the really small things that you do in a given day. And you want to validate yourself. I'm telling you, Self-worth is an inside job. So validating yourself are things like, Oh my gosh, I made the bed and it looks so nice today. Nicely done, Michelle. I don't need to tell anybody. I don't need to post it on social media. I'm saying it to myself. Just the other day. I had my cousin over. I invited her over. I invited her over for breakfast. I hadn't seen her in a while. I made this lovely brunch for us. So I made a quiche. I had tomatoes from my garden. Oh, I made sausage, This chicken sausage. It was absolutely delicious. I made everything from scratch. And even if I didn't, I would have still validated myself. And she left and we had this lovely, Lovely hangout time. And I said to myself, Number one, Great job making that quiche. I knocked it out. It was delicious. Number two, Great job making the breakfast. Number three, I love that I invited her over and created that time in my schedule, That space for connection time with her. Her. I'm so grateful for her. So I had like a validation gratitude mixture. That I did, And I said it only to myself. Again, Didn't post anything on social media, Didn't need to tell anyone. I did tell her, I was so grateful, But this is self-validating. So it doesn't have to be these huge things like, Oh, I just got this job and I'm making X number of dollars. That's great too to validate yourself for, But it's the small stuff. I literally validated myself over making a quiche. Right? It's the small stuff. Making your bed. Excuse me, I validated myself for. Walking my dog up the street, You know, I'm really trying to eat every time I eat something like a main meal. I like to, As they say, As you probably have heard, It's really healthy to walk yourself or to go for a walk for 10 minutes, Balance all that glucose, All the things. So every time I go for my 10 minute walk with my dog, After I eat a meal, I say, Good job, Michelle. Good job balancing out that blood sugar. It's the little itty bitty things and the big things and everything in between. When we validate self, It builds self worth. Okay, When we validate self, It builds self-worth, It builds self-value. So important. And it's easier than you think, You guys. I gotta tell you, I did this all by myself. There was no magic potion. I did it by myself. I did it all by myself. Stop measuring your worth against someone else's life and start measuring Start measuring your life against your own values. You got to build up from the inside out, Build it up from the inside out. If you don't know what your values are, You must create them. I value the fact that I have a garden. Like, Yay, Yay me. Nobody knows, I know. This is when people ask me that, Like, How do I build kids? You know, How do I build their healthy self worth? You got to have healthy self worth because you, We are models for our children. We're modeling for our children, How to be healthy in the world, Emotionally healthy. We really need this in the world, You guys. So do this for yourself first. And your kids and the rest of your family even. We'll see how it's done. And then they will learn how to do it as well. OK. Thanks so much for being here with me today. Ah, So fun to be back with you this fall. I can't wait. I have so many, So many incredible shows coming for you. And I love hearing your suggestions. All right, You guys, That's all I've got for you today. And I will see you right here next week, Seated in the adult chair. Have a great week, Everyone.