From Stuck To Thriving: 5 Ways To Refresh Your Relationships

In this episode, I’m giving you five steps to take when you feel stuck or at an impasse with someone in your life. These are all things YOU have the power to do, no matter the other person’s response, and they will help you find new clarity, perspective and ideas for navigating this situation.

Transcript

Hi, I'm Michelle Chalfant, Psychotherapist, Holistic life coach, And human, Just like you, Learning to navigate life's challenges. With over 25 years experience, I teach people how to get healthy using the adult chair model. The adult chair model is where simple psychology meets grounded spirituality, And it teaches us how to become healthy adults. From anxiety and depression to codependency and relationship issues, You can use the adult chair for just about anything. Each week, I share practical tips, Tools, And advice from myself and a wide range of experts on how to get unstuck, How to live authentically, And how to truly love yourself, All while sitting in your adult chair. Welcome to the adult chair podcast. Hello, Everybody, And welcome to the adult chair podcast. I am Michelle Chalfant. Happy 4th of July. Happy Independence Day. If you are in the United States, I'm sure if you're in the United States, Most of you, I know not all of you, But are probably at some sort of barbecue or outside doing something because it's been sweltering hot in this country. Oh my goodness. I don't care where you live. It's been hot. And for those of you not in the United States, I hope you're having a lovely, Lovely week. I know many of you are on holiday because I've been hearing from some of you from around the world. So wherever you are today, I wish you well. I hope you're having a lovely, Lovely day. I myself am heading off to my sister's. We are doing some fireworks over there, Having a little party. So that is why today you are getting a show that I did last year. It's on relationships. So five ways to navigate a relationship that feels stuck. Now I want you to know, This is not just for partnerships. This is for all relationships. It could be a relationship that you have with your mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Friend, Coworker, Whomever. What do you do when it feels stuck and you don't know what to do? How do you move forward? How do you create change? This show is all about just that, Five ways to navigate a relationship that feels stuck. So here we go, My friends, With the show for today. And I will see you next week with a brand new show. Have a beautiful rest of your day. What we're talking about today is what do you do when relationships that you're in, When they just won't change? When you've tried everything, You've exhausted your efforts, You want to move forward with this person, But this person that you're in a relationship with, And let me tell you, This could be a romantic relationship, A friendship, Family member, Work relationship. It doesn't matter. It's just any relationship. What do you do when you've really tried everything and you don't know what else that you can do and the relationship is just not getting better? Yes. So I have a five step process. You don't have to do these in order, But I'm going to give them to you in a certain order. And I do like this order, But if one of them resonates with you more than the other, Then go ahead and jump around. But I want to start out by saying this. Let's go really high level spiritual perspective just for a moment before we kick this off. Have you considered that the reason that you're with this person in any relationship, Whatever kind of relationship it is, The reason that you're with this person is because you needed to learn, Grow, Transform, Or find something about yourself from being in a relationship with this person. Let's consider that I really believe that souls come in and we match up with various people throughout our lifetimes. And when we've learned what we are supposed to learn from each other, It means that the relationship might be over. And it doesn't mean that we did something wrong or bad, Or they did something wrong or bad. It just means we've, We've outgrown each other, Or maybe you've outgrown that person or something like that. So I just want to drop that in your brain just to, Just to sort of think about, Because I just realized, Like, If you think back to all the relationships that you've had in your life as of today, Think about going all the way back to even grammar school, Like the first few years of your life, It's like, Oh yeah, I had that friendship and that was wonderful then. And then I moved on and then I got another friend and then I did this and then I had this group of friends. And then that group of friends. It's like, We grow with people and then we sometimes grow with and even through people. And that's not to say that we're better than anybody. It just means perhaps that soul that we were with for a certain amount of time, It's just, It's done and it's time to move on and it doesn't have to be horrible ending or, You know, We're mad at anybody. It just means like, Wow, Thank you so much for all that I learned from you. It's just time for me to move on and you just go your separate ways. So there's that, But let me, Let me talk to you about this for a second. So I've got this five part process for you. So again, What do you do when your relationship just won't change and you've tried everything dead end, You're exhausted all of your efforts. So here's the first part of what you do. Number one, What you want to do is accept what is. Now again, I know what your next thought might be. It doesn't mean that you have to like it. Acceptance and liking are two very different things. Acceptance is looking at the person that's showing up in front of you, How they're acting or not acting or showing up or not showing up and how they're talking to you, All the things. And even though you've set all the boundaries and had all the conversations, If they are still showing up in the same way, At some point you accept it. It just means they are who they are and I'm going to look at them and I'm accepting who they are and that they're not going to change or that they're just not changing for right now. What happens is when you're able to accept somebody for who they are, There's almost like a release that happens. There's a detachment that happens from that person. And I mean that in the healthiest way. It's a very healthy detachment from outcome, From how they're showing up. It's like, Okay, They are who they are. I really am just realizing I'm not going to be able to change that person. People are not going to change until they're ready and willing to change. And we don't know when or why that is. Think about your own life. When in your life, When you look back, When did you do your own personal work? When did you really take a look at your life? Nobody can force us to do that. And I can't tell you how many times throughout my 20 some years having a private practice where people say to me, I'm sending my so-and-so in to see you. You need to help them, Michelle, Which is code phrase for you need to fix them. Well, Here's the truth. I don't care how great I am at therapy and coaching, I can't help anybody until they're ready and willing to look at their lives, To look at their stuff and to really get in there and dig around. And if they're not willing to do that, There's nobody on the planet that can force them to do that. So this is when we reach the point in that relationship and we say, Okay, I'm truly just going to look at them for who they are and I'm going to accept them for exactly who they are and know that I've tried everything I can, Things are not changing. So I need to move on to the next step because I'm finally having the realization they're just not going to change. For example, They're not going to show up for me the way that I need them to show up for me. They're not going to stop verbally abusing me. They're not going to stop putting me down in public, Even though I've asked 25 times. They're not going to stop drinking. I've asked them to slow down on that. They just are not doing it. Whatever, Fill in the blank, Whatever it might be. You have a boss that talks down to you all the time, Even though you've set boundaries. Okay. At some point you go, Okay, I've got to accept that this person is the way they are. This is step one, Okay? Part two is we grieve what the relationship was. So perhaps the relationship was really great at one time. Perhaps this is something that's very painful for you to let go of, To walk away from, To change just because the relationship needs to be, Let's say shifted. It doesn't mean it has to end, Although it might mean that too. So whatever is happening, It's going to change. Once you accept it for what it is and that person for who they are, Grieving is something that's going to rise up. You might have a little bit of grief or you might have a lot of grief. Either way, Please take some time to grieve. Grief isn't an emotion that what I have found in all my years, People aren't great at. We don't want to go there. We don't like to feel pain, But it's a necessary process that we have to go through in order to get to the other side. I say this all the time. We cannot go around our pain. We go through our pain and we are stronger on the other side. In fact, When we go through it, We have new awarenesses when we go through it and we have a different perspective once we've gone through it. So create space for yourself to grieve. That might look like journaling, Sitting in nature and just being with the emotions that are rising up, Reflecting on the relationship and then letting yourself feel the pain that comes up. And here's what's true. Emotions are meant to be experienced, Felt and processed or metabolized through the body and the energy field. And if we don't build a story around what we're feeling, Then I can tell you a hundred percent those emotions move through us. And it doesn't mean we don't feel grief and then we might go to sadness and then we might go to anger and then we might go to fear and all of those emotions. But it does mean that once we sit and allow ourselves to feel what is coming up, It does help us to get through the other side. And that is the goal. That is what we want and need to do in order to go through this process when relationships need to be shifted or when relationships are over. This is a big part of the process. You don't want to bypass this. You cannot bypass it. Okay, Let's go to number three. So number three is boundaries. So you got to ask yourself this, How am I taking care of myself? Do I speak up for myself? Am I protecting myself from this person or everybody? If someone infringes on one of our beliefs, Morals, Values, Ideas, Et cetera, What are you doing about it? What do you do when somebody does that? We need to be willing to sit in that space and notice when our boundaries are being infringed upon and then take care of ourselves. Boundaries simply teach other people how we want to be treated. So think about that. How are you taking care of yourself? How are you showing up for yourself? This is not the time to make big giant decisions around the relationship if you're not ready to do that, But you might need to have a direct conversation. You might need a boundary could look like, I'm just going to pull back from that person and I'm not going to spend as much time with them. Or if you're ready, It might mean I'm ending this relationship. It just does not feel good to me anymore. So remember this too, Boundaries are not confrontational. They can be, And people certainly set confrontational, Angry, Rageful boundaries, Especially when they're really triggered or when someone is, They're showing up in their face and they want to push that person back. They might use their words and anger to push that person back. Those are boundaries, But they're not healthy. Those aren't healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries are direct. You share that with a person that is infringing on your boundaries and then you move on. You let them know how you feel and what you need. What do you need? I need you to stop doing that. This doesn't feel good. I'm going to spend less time with you. I think our relationship might be over. That's a boundary too. So you really want to take a look at your boundaries. Boundaries are really important during this process. Number four, Part four, We let go. We let go of and release expectations and outcome that anything is going to change. And we instead, We stay curious. In other words, I will let go because I know when I do, Things will change. We don't want to do that. So we're not letting go for the sake of hoping that other person is going to change. We're letting go of expectations and outcomes. Okay. That's what I mean by letting go. We're saying, I don't know. It's like, It's another word for that would be I surrender, You know, I'm surrendering to outcome here. And I'm going to stay really curious. Of course, I would never say not to have hope, But I will say, Stay curious and just wonder. I wonder if that person's going to change now that I have set my boundaries, That I have moved through acceptance, That I have moved through the letting go phase, Right? I've grieved. I have set my boundaries and now I'm letting go, Letting go of the outcome that I had hoped would happen. I'm going to stay curious in the moment. What happens is if I let go, But then I go into the future of, Oh my gosh, I hope that they come back around and I hope that they notice I'm not as present. And now that I've set boundaries, I wonder if they're going to be okay. And then I'm shifting into the past or I shift into the past and I'm going to the past. Well, Things used to be so good and dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah. That doesn't help us. It's not to say you can't think about the good old days with that person, But to let go is to truly detach from outcome. And we let go of our expectations as well of, I don't know what's going to happen and it's okay. I'm just going to truly, Truly let go. And when we do that, We actually settle in the moment. When I'm in the moment, Intuition is enhanced. I'm more in my body. I'm able to feel what to do next, Not only with my own life, But of course, Even with this relationship, Which is essential as you're moving through this shift in your relationship. Again, It could be the end, It could be new boundaries are set and it's less time, Whatever it might be. Only way to know that is to follow your heart, To get in that intuitive state and let that guide you through this process. Okay. Living in the moment is key here. And number five, The last thing we want to do is to practice self-care. Here's the question, Who's taking care of you? That's the question. Is your focus on yourself or is it on others? Because we live in the society, Especially I find this with women, We tend to caretake. We caretake others, Men do it too, Don't get me wrong, But we tend to extend and take care of other and put other's needs before our own. We're more tuned in to others before ourselves. So self-care is all about putting yourself first and let me say it, It's not selfish. It's actually self-loving, It's self-nurturing. It's beautiful when we are able to look at our lives and go, What do I need? This is a hard question I find with people. We don't know what we need because we're so focused outside of ourselves. So stop what you're doing and ask as part five, What do I need? Am I first on my list? Because let me tell you what, With other people, You're probably not first on their list. You're less than first, You're second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth and below. You want to be number one on your list. So tune into yourself. What do you need? Do you need to go for a walk? Do you need to spend some time alone? Do you need to be in nature? Do you need a nap? Do you need to go spend time with your dog or your cat or your animal or whatever the heck it is? So this is really, Really important. It's about tuning in to what you need. What do you need? This is essential. So here's the thing, Relationships can be beautiful, But they can also be really hard. That's what's true. And they can also be somewhere in the middle. So if you're in a relationship, Remember, And it's just rocky, It's not working, It might mean that it's just time to move on from that relationship. When you've tried everything, It just might be time. It doesn't mean that you're bad, That person's bad. It just means you've learned what you needed to learn from that person and vice versa, And it's time to move on. So I hope that you find these five parts or steps to this process helpful. And I wish you well, I wish you well with this. It is a journey, Every relationship is. And of course, Life is also a journey. So but relationships, They're a big part of our life. So anyway, That's all I've got for you guys today. I hope you have a beautiful rest of your week and weekend. And I will see you right here next week in the adult chair.

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