We Cannot Escape Sickness: Finding Peace In Vulnerability

In this dharma talk, we reflect on the Buddha's Second Remembrance, "We are all of the nature to get sick, we cannot escape sickness." To remember how essential it is to prepare now through our spiritual practices. Sickness reveals where our practices are strong and where they may need strengthening.

Transcript

And so today we're on the second remembrance, Which is, I am of the nature to get sick. I cannot escape getting sick. And sickness has its own qualities, Its own grasping, With unique points of grasping. Of course, Where we talked about the old age, A lot of it's the visual. We don't like seeing that. We're slowing down a little bit. It's uncomfortable. And of course, In the death, We're not here, Which can be scary in itself. But with the sickness, We're still here to experience it. And there's such a strong identification that we have with the body that there is a lot of resistance for obvious reasons. None of us really wants to feel the pain, The discomfort, The agony, The aches, The emotional distress of the illness or the disease progressing, Of the pain intensifying, Of the loss of our independence, Of the loss of different functions within our body becoming more dependent on other people to care for us, The shame and the guilt that can go along with that. And then all of the medical, We're going to the doctors or physical therapy and all the medication and the costs and just all of these things that come with sickness, With really severe sickness, Terminal sickness, Terminal illness, Diseases. And I do feel a little bit, I will be honest, I feel a little bit presumptuous or a little bit, You know, I haven't had a terminal illness. I don't have a terminal illness. And so I don't have this experience of what that's really like. And yet, I do have the experience of being sick. And I think we all have had the experience of being sick. We've had the cold, We've had the flu, We've had COVID. Maybe, And I've had food poisoning, You know, We've had broken limbs, We've had sprains and, You know, Different headaches and just different things that affect us. And so we do know the fear that comes in the pain, How long is this pain going to last? Is it going to get worse? We know the physical aspect of the pain, And we also know the emotional distress of the sickness as well, A lot of not knowing there. And I think for a lot of us, Because the reflex is so quick to push back to resist it, Our practice just goes completely out the window. Right? We just, Impermanence, Forget it. You know, This isn't going to last, Forget it. You know, This is too real. And so it is important for us to recognize, I think what the Buddha is talking about here is the severe illness. Of course, We can use the little illnesses for our, Or the everyday illnesses for our practice. But I think we do need to recognize, I mean, Any one of us could be diagnosed with MS, MA, ALS, Parkinson's, Cancer, Brain tumor, Strokes. I mean, Any one of us can get that. These are the diseases of our time, Right? Hundreds of years ago, It was, You didn't want to get tuberculosis, You didn't want to get syphilis, You didn't want to get the plague, Right? These are the diseases of our time, And it is happening all around us. We know that people all around us, This is happening to them, And yet we don't think it will happen to us. And so somehow we think that we're going to handle this gracefully. If it were to happen to me, Somehow I will handle this with grace and equanimity. We're not addressing it, And if we're not thinking about it, If we're not contemplating it, If we're not preparing for it, Then most likely we will not handle it with grace and equanimity. And so we want to take this remembrance seriously, This truth, I am of the nature to get sick. I cannot escape sickness, To really contemplate what this means, The impermanence of this body, The impermanence of the health of this body, And to remember how our practices can help us in sickness, Right? How we can be more prepared with our practices as well. So of course, We do want to make sure that we are doing our spiritual practices, That we're meditating every day, That we're practicing mindfulness, That we're practicing self-compassion, That we're doing loving-kindness meditation or tonglen meditation, That we're doing all of the practices that will help us. But part of our preparedness is also recognizing in the grasping of sickness, Of the aversion of sickness, Just how quickly we get pulled into it. It's like we're just walking along, And then the pain, The diagnosis, It seems to come out of the blue, And we just get pulled right back up into it. And it is this cycle that feeds on itself, That the physical pain that feeds into the emotional distress and the fear and the panic, Which then feeds into the pain, And how easily we get trapped in that cycle, How hard it is for us to get out of it. And so when we're in the depths of our pain, And maybe we do think then we want to go to our spiritual path, And what teachings can help me here? I think it's important that we do understand, Sometimes the absolute teachings aren't as helpful to us once we're stuck, Meaning in sickness. I am not the body, I am not the pain, I am not the sickness. I don't think that's particularly helpful when we are in the middle of something, Something here is incredibly distressed and in pain. And so hearing, I am not the body, I am not the sickness, I am not my pain, Feels so foreign, It feels so far, It's just too big of a leap for us to make in the midst of our pain. And of course, We would never say that to someone who was suffering. You would never say, Oh, You're not your pain, You're not your suffering, You're not your body, Because it would be the least compassionate thing we could say to someone. And so we need a bridge, I think we need a bridge in preparing in our practices, A bridge that brings together the absolute teachings of I am not the body, To the relative conventional reality, That there is something here that is experiencing something unbelievably painful and distressing. And so I heard this, This phrase used by a Sufi teacher named Bodhi B, Who works with people as they're dying. He does the whole thing, The funerals, He does everything, But he spends a lot of time with people when they're dying, When they're in their emotional distress. And what he says to them, Instead of saying you are not your body, Because it's not helpful in that moment. I mean, Depending upon the person, I should give a little bit of room there. For most people, It's just too far from us, We're too in the pain to even hear that. But what we can hear, And what can be helpful is, You are not just the body. You are not just the body. Because we can feel in that sense of, I'm not just the body, It's not denying the pain that's happening. And I think in that, I am not the body, I'm not the pain, It's kind of denying what our conventional experience is right now. That's not helpful. But in saying, I'm not just the body, It opens us up enough to be able to think, Okay, If I'm not just the body, What else is here? Right? I'm getting from that very narrow view of being closed up in my physical pain and my emotional distress and fear. And now I'm entertaining the possibility there is something else here. It just gives us that incremental step that we need to maybe start taking some mindful breaths. Right? Oh, Yes, I'm not just the body. The breath, Right? Yeah, Let me take some breaths. Let me breathe into this. Just a couple of breaths. A couple of breaths, Or I should say, Maybe 10, 15 breaths. Starts to regulate the nervous system. Starts to dial back some of the fear that's happening in our amygdala. Because remember, The pain is pressing on the emotional distress and the fear. And then the fear is increasing our perception of pain. So in any way that we can start to dial back those centers, Just doing some steady breathing, Even if it's just a 5%, A 10% decrease, Like sometimes that's all we need in that moment, So that we can take the next step. So that now we've done some mindfulness of breathing, Right? Now we're starting to get there because I'm not just the body. I'm not just the body. Oh, What else is here now? What else is here? We want to be able to use our practice in a way that opens us up to be able to remember what other tools we have here to be with our pain and to make them accessible. So that we've got, Okay, A little bit of breathing. Yeah, Feel a little better. Okay. Can I take that next step? Can I take that next step? And with curiosity, Explore what the sensations are in the body on a physical level, Right? What is it that's happening here? Where is it in the body? Scanning through the body and noticing where is the most intense feeling, Right? Because the pain, We're so busy reacting out of it. We're in the story of it. It just feels like the whole body's on fire. And then we go, Well, Where? And then we start to, We're looking for it now. And maybe we find a space where like, Well, Okay, It's just in the center or it's in my solar plexus. I can feel a sensation there. And it's like, Okay, What's the sensation? Is it heavy? Is it light? How intense is it on a scale of one to 10? Right. And then you're thinking about, Well, How intense is it? Right. You're really looking at it. You're not reacting out of it. And with the aversion and the clinging, Instead, You're really looking at it going, Well, How intense is it? Right. Is it burning? Is it numb? Is it sharp? Is it dull? Is it pulsating? Is it static? Is it achy? Is it throbbing? Is it concentrated? Is it radiating? Right. To really look and explore what is it that I am feeling right now, Because I am reacting out of it in a way that is terrifying me and keeping me trapped in it. But the more that I look at it and the more that I get closer to it and try and see what kind of shape it is. And then maybe it starts to, The intensity starts to go down. I can even check in again. Well, What's the intensity now? And after all that really looking at it, It always goes down. Maybe it was a 10. Now it's down to a seven. Great. Right. And as you're there closer now with your experience, Right, Because you are not just the body allowing you to come in to explore it, You start to see the impermanence of it. And you start to see how, Okay, That shape, It's not as big as it was before. It's not as intense as it was before. Because even in chronic pain, Even in chronic pain, And I have had probably many of us have had periods of chronic pain, A bad back, Bad legs, Something was happening. The more mindful we can be, The more we can be, The closer we can get to the physical sensations. Even in chronic pain, There's impermanence. It gets intense, It gets kind of peaks, It kind of gets there, You know, Has a peak. And then there's a little bit of a falling off. So even in chronic pain, There is impermanence, But we rarely feel those gaps because we're so lost in the story of the pain. We don't notice what's really happening. We're just reacting out of it. And so in that, You know, Giving us that spaciousness, Even if it's just for a few moments, A little bit of relief in there, And enough that maybe, Just maybe we could get to, I am not the body. Maybe that we start to really see, I can see this sensation. It's not me. It's uncomfortable. It's unpleasant. We're not denying that. But we start to see there's more here. And so by framing it in this way, I'm not just the body, It opens up and it allows us to come closer to our practices, To mindfulness, To mindfulness of the breath, Mindfulness of our feelings, Mindfulness of the body, Maybe even mindfulness of the dhammas at this point. Now we're, Oh yes, Yes, There really is no self. There really is all impermanent, Right? So bridging the absolute teachings of no self, I am not the body, With the relative experience, Finding a little bridge in there and knowing ourselves, Knowing that if pain is something that really just catches you off guard, And I think for a lot of us, It does. We just so quickly fall up and get kind of pulled up in the trap of it. And our practice just seems so far away. And so we need an opening. We need a little, A bridge to help remind us that we're not just the body in our sickness, So that we can then access our practices that can help us to find some spaciousness within the pain and the discomfort and all of the unpleasant sensations. And this doesn't mean that we get there and that we stay there permanently, Because I would think for a lot of us, It will be a continuously, You know, Coming back to it again and again. We stay there for a little bit, Right? And then it starts to fade and we maybe get a little bit caught up in it for again, For a while, Or we get a little bit distracted by something and then it starts creeping up on us again. To remember that this is a continuous practice to come back to. And it doesn't mean that approaching it in this way, Even having the understanding, I am not the body, Like getting to that point, I am not the body through you are not just the body. But that doesn't mean that in sickness, That we don't experience a lot of other unpleasant things as well, That we want to be really clear about the entire process of illness and sickness and not start to imagine that somehow I'm going to become enlightened through this, And I'm not going to feel anything unpleasant anymore. And I think we can look to others that have done this with grace and equanimity, And we can learn from them. And so fortunately, A dear friend reminded me the other day, Of someone that I think is probably most of us here know, Maury Schwartz. And you probably know him through the book, Tuesdays with Maury. And so Maury, Who is now past, A professor of sociology at Brandeis University was diagnosed with ALS, The neurodegenerative disease where your body just is progressively shutting down. And when he got the diagnosis, He instead of recoiling and thinking, Oh, I'm supposed to hide away from society now, I don't want anyone to see me like this. He did just the opposite. He did just the opposite. He wrote to his friends, He said, You know, Call me, I want you to stop by, I want you to tell me your problems. You know, I want to still be a part of your life. And so he was very much, You know, Living through the sickness. And he'd written an article in, I think it was the Globe, That one of the producers for Ted Koppel, Who was the anchor of this news show in the US called Nightline got, He handed it to Ted Koppel and said, You know, We should look at this guy, We should go do, Maybe we should do a show on him. And so they did, They ended up doing three episodes with Maury Schwartz. And in the first episode, He's still pretty, You know, His body's deteriorating, But he's pretty, He's okay. He's still kind of getting around. I think maybe he was even just using a wheel, Or not a wheelchair, But a walker at that point. And he's talking with Ted Koppel about, You know, Yes, This, I know what my future is going to be. I've been, You know, I'm asking what, How am I going to die? For those of you unfamiliar with ALS, It's what Stephen Hawking had. So it does for many people with ALS, The brain, Or the cognitive part of the brain, Because of course, The motor part is definitely affected. But the cognitive part of the brain for many people with ALS is not affected. So your body is just withering away, But your brain's still there, You're still there. And they were talking about some very real things that, You know, We're going to be in his future when his hands go, When he loses the capability of his arms, And someone's going to have to wipe him after he goes to the bathroom. You know, There's a lot that we lose, We don't think about losing our hands, Not just, You know, Someone feeding us, But, You know, Some of these things that we look at, And we think, Oh, My God, How horrible. And, And, And in interviewing, In interviewing Maury, He's so, He's so joyous, He's got his eyes are bright, He's laughing. He's, He's sharing all these words of wisdom with Ted Koppel. He has a meditation teacher that gives him all this wise wisdom. They show in one of the episodes, The meditation teacher doing loving kindness meditation. And he's talking about how he's really seeing how interconnected everything is, How interdependent everything is, How impermanent everything is. He's really seeing in moments, He's like, I'm seeing I'm not this body, There's something that goes on. He's really having a very transformative experience through this illness. And it would be easy to think that he's just glowing and floating through the whole thing. But he's not. He says, Also, I feel sadness. And I have days when I'm depressed. And I have days when I'm angry, And I'm bitter, And I'm resentful. And I don't wallow there for too long. But I have to accept all of that as well. And so it is important for us to remember when we look at someone like Maury, Who went through this with such grace, Such equanimity, So wise and compassionate and loving to the end. It wasn't that he didn't experience all of these other things. But he didn't, He didn't stay there for that long. But he allowed that to be part of the process as well. And in the third episode, And they would take between each episode, It was several months in between each episode. So he was very much deteriorating. And in the last and final episode, He barely had use of his arms, His hands at that point. And Ted asked him, He said, You know, We talked about in the first episode, That this would happen, And you would have to be reliant on someone else. To wipe you after you go to the bathroom. And it's like, How is that? You know, Is it, Do you feel shame? Do you feel, You know, What's that like? And, And he really, You know, He says, He's like, There's, I've not lost any human dignity in that. I can't remember the exact phrasing, But he was really sharing. It's like someone is caring for you. And, And doing everything that needs to be done. Like this is interconnectedness, This is interdependence, This is love. Right? We, No problem wiping the baby. When they're young, The mother isn't repelled by it. And someone that loves you, And that you love back, And you're not, You're not recoiling away from it. You're keeping the dignity because this is just part of the body. This is what happens in the disease. And that he was able to keep, To not feel the shame, To not wither away when someone he was not even able to do that. We should think about someone having to do that for us. When we're thinking about, I'm of the nature to get sick. I cannot escape getting sick. We should also think about that. Yeah. If I have one of these diseases, If I'm, You know, If I'm incapacitated in some way, Someone else is going to have to do this for me. We should think about that. We should be prepared for it. So that we can start to see, Wow, That someone would be so loving and kind to do this for us. And that we don't, We don't shrink away from it. We don't feel shame from it. Because we really are seeing, I am not the body. And another just beautiful example is Ram Dass. Probably many of you know Ram Dass. When he had a stroke back in 1997, You know, He talks about, And there's a great documentary on Netflix on him. It's just a 30-minute documentary after he had a stroke. And he talks about how I was, You know, He was this great teacher, Beloved by so many, Right? He was the healer. He was the one that helped everyone. He would fly around the world and he would give all these lectures. And then he had to stop doing and start being. He had to give up the ego identity that he had with being the helper and accept being the helpee. And he has some quotes. I'm just going to read two of them. The stroke was the beginning of my being rather than my doing. My ego was identified with being a helper. And now I'm a helpee. Because really understanding interconnectedness, Interdependence, We can't, Not everyone can be a helper. We need people on the other side, Right? This is connection, Right? That we need, That we're all participating in this. And then he says, After the stroke, I had to learn to receive love, Which was just as powerful and transformative. That it wasn't just about loving others, But letting them love him, Letting them take care of him. And you can see it in his eyes, The glowing, The surrender that he finally was like, This was my final thing. I had to let go of this because we can see how we can so easily get an identity in serving others. And it's very noble. Of course it is, Right? Something we should all be doing is helping others. But we also need to learn to let others help us. That it's not just the teacher, You know, The great teacher Ram Dass, But the student that's helping lift him in the wheelchair, Right? Or in Morrie, The great professor, Right? But it's the hospice nurse or the caregiver that's there wiping his bottom for him. That we're all helping each other. And this is where that famous, With Ram Dass, He has my favorite quote of his of all time, Where he finally recognized, We're all just walking each other home. That his stroke, In needing to give up control, In needing to give up being the helper and allow people to care for him, He was finally able to see that, That this is all connected. That we are all here supporting each other. And if we just want to stay on one side of it, Then we're not truly awake. And so we, With knowing this, The second remembrance, I am of the nature to get sick. I cannot avoid sickness. To reflect on this, To contemplate it, Right? To remember that, That this body is impermanent. Yes, We can see that through our lifetime. It's been changing. It gets sick. We don't have any control over that. And to use all of the moments, Because we all do, In fact, Every day, For those of us that are a little bit older, We feel some discomfort in the body at some point, Right? To use all of those moments to really remember, Oh, I'm not just the body. I'm not just the body. Breathe. Come in and explore practicing, Coming in and exploring the sensations of what it is that you're experiencing. Doing the work now, So that you're prepared when the illness comes, When the terminal illness comes. It is happening all around us to think it's not going to happen to us. It's naive that we should be prepared for this. And for the feelings, The fear that comes with it, Like we can come through the pain, Or we can come into the feelings, Right? Because maybe it is just the fear. Maybe there's a disease in your family and you're not feeling the pain, But there's the fear of getting it because you've seen other family members have it. So coming in, And like we've talked about with mindfulness of feelings, Like, Oh, Here you are, Fear. Here you are. Let me breathe and give you some space. It's okay that you're here. I know, I know, Sweetheart, Right? Self-compassion, Kindness, Talking to our fear in a way that dials back the stress, The distress, And allows the fear to move through us so we're not reacting out of it, But we keep coming closer to it. And to remember our compassion practices, Loving kindness and tonglen and gratitude, Right? To remember that all of these practices are so important to not wait, To not think we have all the time in the world because we don't know when we might get sick. So to really make sure, And if you're struggling in any of these practices, Right? Find a bridge, Find a bridge, Ask a teacher. You know, I'm struggling with loving kindness. I'm struggling with tonglen. I'm struggling with gratitude, Forgiveness, Whatever it is, Great. Ask a teacher. Let's find a bridge. Let's find it now so that you can do these practices because that's how you prepare for the eventuality. And I think one of the things that we most need, Not just in sickness, But we need this as human beings, Is community. We need help when we get ill. We need help when we're feeling down. We need help when we're getting old. Humans naturally were together for a long time. There was community there, And we've all kind of spread out around the world. And very few people live in the same town that they were born in that have family there. And so if you don't have a community to create a community, Recognize this is also something that you need, That we do need in our lives, That we've got to stop having this illusion of independence. And I know myself, I mean, I definitely, I don't need anyone. I can be on my own. I can just follow my spiritual path. And I'm realizing more and more what's becoming more and more important to me is community, That I can't do this alone, That I need other people to help me. And so if you don't have a community, Create a community, Right? Create like we have a community online. Of course, This is wonderful that we have communities online. And if some of you live in the same areas, Connect up, Right? Check with each other on who lives in Vancouver, Who lives in Tel Aviv, Who lives, Right? You know, Connect up to start to form these communities. If you have a local sangha as well, So important to have a local sangha, Right? Every Sunday, I have, We have a local sangha that comes to my house. And that community is so important. The community that I have here in La Ventana, And Sue, Who's on our call knows this, She lives down here in the winter. Even as an introvert, I love the community here. And it's one of the special things about living down here in Mexico, In this little village. It's quite busy during the winter, I should say. But it's the community, We help each other out. And we shouldn't discount that part of this as well. So if it's something, If it's something that that you are missing, Find a community. Find a community to be a part of. And if you're in the position now where you're younger, And you can help those that are older, Do it now. Great, Go, You know, Volunteer, Right? Right. Because you will find, You know, You will find a community in there. And so I think that is something that's really important for us, As well. It's one of the, It's one of the aspects that we definitely need. It's definitely, I think it's a, Kuz, You're asking, You know, Is it the key to happiness? I think the key to happiness is, Is letting go of all attachments, Not clinging, Not grasping. I think that's super important. But I think there is a relative, Conventional aspect of reality that we live in. And I do think that's what we're kind of bridging between the absolute and the relative. Do we really need it? No, I think there's monks that are perfectly happy off on their own meditating in their caves for the rest of their lives. But I think there is so much to be gained through community. And we have to be careful, Because I know just for my own self, I kind of always traveled around, Lived all over the world, And didn't really think that much about it. As we get older, We start to think about these things. And I think a lot of people that are on spiritual paths, There's a lot of us that are introverts, As well. But you find the community the way it works for you. I'm not going out to the parties at night. I'm not going out at night at all, Right? But all I have to do is walk down to the fruit stand, And I'll see someone that I know. And I'll stop and have a little conversation with them. Or the other day, I was driving back from La Paz, And I got a flat tire. And one of the beautiful things in Mexico is, You know, Someone's going to help you. And while no one had pulled over right away, And I was in a no-sell spot, You know, I just walked up the mountain a little bit, Found cell service, Called one of my friends here in town. He was like, Oh, I'll be right there. 30 minutes later, He's up there changing the tire for me. You know, So wonderful to be able to have people that we can reach out to. And then he was sick yesterday, And I brought him some ginger tea. So we're all doing what we can do to help each other. And community is so important. And I think in getting sick, We really have to recognize how important it is. How important it is to be able to surrender, To let go of letting other people care for us. When I, You know, When we saw the, You know, Maury Schwartz, When we saw Ram Dass, And he had all these people around him, Thich Nhat Hanh, Who also had a stroke, And all of his students around him. I think there is something incredibly beautiful about having a community there, And helping you through this, And seeing the interconnectedness and the interdependence of that we need to rely on other people, Of giving up, Surrendering that last part of I'm the doer, I'm the helper, I'm the one that goes and gives everyone the good advice, I'm the one that fixes things. And to be able to let go of that, Say, No, I need to let others care for me. Right? You can see how the ego wants to hold on to that. And then, And then just letting that go. Like, Oh, Yeah. And now it's time to wipe my bottom. I hope I can say that on IT. You know, Like a very real thing that's happening for millions of people today around the world. You know, We can go out flailing, And screaming and kicking, And this shouldn't be happening, Making it really difficult for all of our caretakers, Or we can surrender to the process, We can use our path, Our practice, To have grace and equanimity through the reality that I'm of the nature to get sick, I cannot avoid sickness. This isn't meant to be, These remembrances are not meant to bum us out, They're not meant to scare us, They're meant to wake us up to the reality that this is going to happen. And we should be prepared. So, Be prepared, Be prepared, Know where you are on your path, Know where you are in your practices. Know, Use all the little sicknesses and the pains and go, Why wasn't I able to get there? Find the bridges where you need them. Ask people for help where you need them. Find community, Find community. Create a community. They are there, But we sometimes have to do a little bit of work towards it. And I think that is so important, And I feel like we've just created such a beautiful community here online. You know, I feel like I know so many of you and how wonderful, I feel like I could reach out to so many of you. Sue is probably who I would reach out, Because she's the closest, She's just a couple miles down the road. But if I just even said, I just want you, You know, Philippa, Will you just hold me in your thoughts tonight? You know, Kimmy, Will you just say a prayer for me? Will you do some Tonglen for me? You know, Emma, I feel like I could reach out to you, Sandy, My sister Libby, Of course, Right? Yeah, I mean, We're all here. We are all just walking each other home. We need to really take that to heart, To really take that to heart. So, Let us reflect this week. I am of the nature to get sick. I cannot avoid getting sick. And use this contemplation to really wake us up to the realities that are going to face each and every one of us. And may it help us to be more at peace, To be kinder, To be more compassionate, To surrender, To surrender and let others help us.

Reviews

Thank you for this talk. I am facing serious illness and found many of the ideas helpful. The thought of us all 'walking each other home' is beautiful. In some ways, being ill affords many opportunities to reset my values and become a fuller member and contributer to the 'communities' that matter to me.
Thank you. 🙏🙏🪷

grateful for this talk. and grateful for the times I’ve reached out to you and you responded. it’s hard when you ask someone for help and they don’t respond. but maybe this is another way to find my tribe. rejection is God’s protection. namaste 🐞🌹♥️🐞🌹♥️🐞🌹♥️🐞🌹♥️🐞

Oh sweetheart, of course I would do some Tonglen or a prayer for you! And Libby too!

Reach Out & come for a visit to the land down under. It would be an honour to just sit quietly, breathe & be connected to our humanness.

I love your talks & the community we share ❤️ with humble gratitude 🌷🌼🌻🏵🪷⚘️

To break things down with humble acceptance of what Is.. a touch stone to our real beings.

Namaste 🪷 🙏 💖

Ps. I'll put the kettle on for a visit any time 😁 & please give those doggies 🐕 a pat!