I want to begin by acknowledging something that I think many of us experience.
That we don't often talk about.
And that's the discomfort that comes up when we.
Think about,
And set boundaries.
One of the hardest parts about setting boundaries isn't actually knowing what the boundary is.
But rather living with the fear and gnawing discomfort of disappointing someone else.
For me and for much of my life,
That fear has run deep.
And saying yes honestly felt safer than saying no.
Not because I wanted to overcommit or carry more than my fair share.
But because somewhere along the way my nervous system learns.
That disappointing someone.
Could possibly mean losing them.
I've been exploring this a lot as of lately and one insight has stayed with me.
It's often felt so much easier to abandon myself.
To abandon my own needs.
My own time,
My own health.
Than to risk someone else feeling.
Disappointed in me,
Frustrated.
Or deciding to walk away.
That wasn't a conscious choice,
Though.
It was a survival and protection strategy.
If in your life you've experienced trauma,
Emotional neglect,
Family dynamics or relationships where love felt conditional.
Your brain becomes incredibly good at asking one question.
How do I keep this relationship dynamic safe?
And for many of us,
The answer became.
Keep everyone else happy.
Don't rock the boat.
Don't ask for too much.
Definitely don't say no and don't disappoint people.
Now the challenge is,
Is that if we're constantly protecting other people from disappointment,
Who's protecting us?
I realized there have been so many moments where I've come to the rescue,
Over-functioned.
Or taken on responsibility that simply wasn't mine.
Because I couldn't tolerate the discomfort of letting someone else down.
Now this has served me well in my life.
In areas of my career.
Achievements.
But it also means that I've under-functioned in other aspects of my life.
Burnout,
Exhaustion,
Emotional dysregulation.
And recently with a work example.
Normal me would have stepped in immediately.
Would have taken over and convinced myself that it was easier for me to just do it all than to avoid the awkward conversation of holding people accountable.
But I'm recognizing very quickly where that path will lead.
Exhaustion,
Resentment.
And another moment where.
I've abandoned myself,
And I'm not willing to do that anymore.
But of course,
That comes with worrying that you will disappoint people,
Worrying they might think differently.
And then I realized that their disappointment wasn't an emergency.
That was a profound shift for me because I've spent years treating people's discomfort as my responsibility to fix.
I'm learning that disappointment is part of healthy relationships.
People are allowed to feel disappointed,
Just as I'm allowed to have needs.
Just as I'm allowed to say no.
Just as I'm allowed to stop carrying what isn't mine,
And it doesn't mean that I've stopped caring.
There's a difference.
So one of the questions I now come back to is,
Am I disappointing someone else or am I disappointing myself?
Because Every time I automatically choose someone else's comfort over my own well-being.
I'm making that choice.
I'm choosing self-abandonment.
And that doesn't mean we become uncaring or rigid.
It means we begin trusting that healthy relationships can hold honesty.
That love doesn't have to be earned through self-sacrifice.
That someone else's emotional response doesn't automatically mean we've done something wrong.
Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves and for someone else is to tell the truth with kindness.
And if you're finding this difficult,
Know that you're not alone.
And please know you're not failing.
You're asking your nervous system to learn something new that's largely unfamiliar from your pattern.
You're teaching yourself that you can survive disappointing someone else without disappearing yourself.
Not selfish.
That's healing.
