From Regret to Recovery

Past regrets and resentment don't have to be a prison; they can be the fuel for your transformation. By choosing integrity over self-abandonment, you align your internal worth with your external actions. Step into your power with Mark Groves to channel past pain into a personal comeback that honors your boundaries.

Transcript

If you have regret about a choice you've made,

If you have resentment about a relationship thing that has happened or a life circumstance that has happened,

Or you have anger about it,

About betrayal,

About all the things,

It makes sense.

We're not here to dismiss or invalidate your emotions,

But you need to watch this if you want to be able to move through that emotion and leave that in the past.

I have seen regret about decisions we've made,

About things we've done,

About not saying the thing,

Saying this thing wrong,

Right?

We go back and we reevaluate and re-ruminate and we think about all the different ways we could have had that conversation and things we could have done differently.

But the truth is,

Is that you wouldn't know the wisdom that you now have from what you went through in that relational circumstance or that life circumstance.

You wouldn't even have that wisdom that you can regret something without the experience.

Trap or the prison of regret is that the only reason you have the awareness that you should have done something differently is because you didn't.

And that's a hard paradox to hold,

Right?

Because you might be like,

Man,

I wish I could take back this,

This,

This,

And this.

You can't.

So since you can't,

Let's not spend our lives stuck in the prison of wishing we could go back in time and do something differently because time is inviting you to do something differently moving forward.

It's inviting you to be someone different moving forward.

And that can feel confronting,

Right?

Because if you start moving forward,

Then it can feel like a betrayal.

To the mistake you made in your past.

It can also feel like I don't want to let it go.

Like if I move on.

Then I'm letting them off the hook.

Because I want to make my life horrible.

I want my life to be awful.

I never want to love again so I could prove to them just how badly they hurt me.

That doesn't help anything.

Like they're out sipping to Mai Tai in Costa Rica,

Surfing,

Enjoying life.

Maybe they moved on while they were with you.

And you're going to make it so your life is so bad to prove to them how much they hurt you.

Or maybe you made a mistake.

You cheated on someone.

You lied.

You didn't show up.

You had an addiction issue.

Your life in the prison of your past,

Your past is not meant to be a prison.

It's meant to be the thing that educates you,

Right?

It's like when Ram Dass said,

Like,

I don't know why I'm here.

Because I've already kind of figured out this enlightenment thing and humans are kind of messed up and they got way too many emotional things going on.

And his teacher said to him,

You're here.

Why don't you take the curriculum?

And that's it.

Why don't you take the curriculum?

You can't change what you were given.

You can't change what has happened,

But you can do something differently with it.

Now,

Recently I shared a meme on Substack.

If you don't follow me on Substack,

The link's in the show notes because I write notes every day.

I do long form written content on there.

And I shared this note that said,

Make this come back personal.

It's an apology to yourself And I really resonated with that because I thought,

Yeah,

I'm on a come up,

Yo.

I'm on a come up.

And I'm going to put in the reps to make this work,

To make this successful.

Because what I know to be true is that where regular people quit,

I don't.

And like,

That's what separates average people from exceptional.

That's what separates super fit people from not.

That's what separates people who really are committed to their mission.

And here's the thing.

I've talked about this.

There's a threshold that most people don't move through.

They quit before the miracle arrives.

They quit before they're about to become someone different,

Before they're about to have the different life,

Before they're about to be a different person.

And I've said this to you before,

If you've watched me before,

But if you haven't and you have,

Hear it again.

You and your self-worth are a collection of your choices.

How you feel about you is based on what you choose.

If you want to feel better about yourself,

Choose things that make you feel like you love yourself.

And if you made a choice that makes you feel like you don't,

You can instantly choose something different and become a different person.

Neuroplasticity proves this,

That you don't have to be who you were.

And as Tony Robbins says,

Your biography is not your destiny unless you let it be.

So your past doesn't dictate your future,

But it can inform it.

It can actually be the very information and emotion that gets you past that threshold where most people quit.

So what I wrote on Substack about that quote was,

I can't help but see the real beauty in channeling regret into complete transformation.

Or taking anger or resentment and alchemizing it into liberation,

Or taking the desire for revenge and using it to move beyond the threshold where you normally quit.

There's nothing really worse than being trapped in the emotions from our past.

But the trick to moving on isn't so much letting go as it is holding on tight and using that emotion to change your effing life.

Once you use emotions to transform,

There's nothing left to grasp.

Because you're too busy marinating in gratitude for what you created from what buries most people.

Do it because of them,

But do it for you.

And what I mean by that is do the transformation because let's say you want the revenge body.

You want the revenge life.

You want the revenge,

Just absolute glow up.

But while you're doing that,

Clean up everything.

Clean up your soul.

Get your values in alignment.

There's very few things that can offer a portal to complete transformation like a breakup or a loss or a rock bottom of any kind.

And you have this unique chance to take this emotion and make it the moment everything changed or the moment everything stayed the same.

So like if you're breaking out of a pattern,

Whether you chose to or not,

Someone broke it for you and you're left in the decay and the disruption of what has happened and you're picking up the pieces of your life,

You might as well put them back together in a much more solid foundation where you're not a people pleaser.

You're not dancing around other people's emotions and feelings and thoughts.

Your whole life isn't constructed about what other people think.

It's about what you think about you.

As I said before,

Your self-worth is determined by what you choose.

If you want to love yourself,

Make different choices.

And so if you've been making choices that are about accommodating other people's feelings,

You're not gonna love yourself because you're not gonna trust yourself.

So do make this come back personal.

You know,

A lot of people say that channeling that energy is just giving it more.

Vitality or informing it more.

It's just strengthening it.

But that's actually the thing you need to do is catalyze yourself past where the old version of you quit because this emotion is what you can put into motion.

It is what can drive you to create a completely different life.

You have to seize this opportunity.

Now,

Recently I was reading a post from Matt Godesman.

Okay,

I hope I'm saying his name right.

He's an amazing writer.

He's an amazing guy.

I had him on the podcast.

I wanted to share this because it talks about integrity.

About alignment it talks about the new era of influence And I think we're in a rapid changing environment,

A rapidly changing business space.

We're in a rapidly changing online space.

And the world itself is obviously bananas.

And so when the world is bananas,

All we can do is come back to ourselves first.

Like that is the important thing is that our own house is in order,

Right?

That we have cleaned up our own system,

Our own selves.

And so remember that the word integrity comes from wholeness,

Right?

That the idea is that it means to be whole.

And to be whole means that we don't have wholes.

In ourselves,

In our boundaries.

And remember,

That means not only letting crappy behavior in,

That means keeping our own selves within our own boundaries.

So containing ourselves,

So not oversharing,

Et cetera,

Not being overbearing,

Not being judgy,

All that kind of stuff.

And so I say this because all of our greatest work is to constantly be in integrity with our values,

Is to constantly live a life.

That is reflective on the outside just as much of who we are on the inside.

And as Gandhi said,

Let my life be my message.

So let your life be your message.

And let me share this amazing piece of writing that I couldn't possibly rewrite.

It's so good.

The next era of influence isn't loud,

It's anchored.

Real influence isn't control or status,

It's embodied responsibility.

The people who are truly moving culture now aren't performing.

They're aligned,

Honest,

Real.

They're not trying to impress the room.

They're here to stabilize it.

And instead of rewriting the rules,

They're restoring the light.

God isn't elevating the loudest voices.

God is promoting the realist ones,

Not to create idols,

But to model integrity.

There's a quiet authority that comes from integrity,

From doing the inner work,

From moving with God.

These people don't explain themselves to be understood.

They move in a way that can't be ignored.

Not measuring success by status,

Titles,

Or applause.

But by their own alignment.

How clean their work feels,

How steady their pace stays,

And how little they need validation to continue.

Authority doesn't mean you know best.

It means you're willing to go first.

To refine yourself,

To align your life with your words,

To let God shape you privately before you ever speak publicly.

You don't position yourself as the answer.

You remind people they already carry one.

That's good.

When your life and your message match,

Influence stops being something you chase and starts becoming something you carry.

With both humility and fire.

The next era won't reward noise.

It will reward true embodiment.

Influence was never meant to create dependence.

It was meant to awaken autonomy.

You hear that?

And this is this delicate balance that we are trying to find our way through culturally and individually is this balance between collectivism and individualism.

And it's not about one or the other because we've seen how that is so toxic both in family systems,

Cultural systems,

And political systems.

And that's much like in a relationship,

That there's a balance between you and me and us.

Our relationship needs a you and it needs a me,

And we can't both collapse or either collapse for the relationship because the relationship then becomes the source of the collapse.

But there's a difference between compromise and self abandonment.

Compromise for a relationship informs the relationship.

It's an investment in the relationship.

Self abandonment doesn't.

And here's the thing.

You're going to give up things for your relationship.

That's obvious.

As parents,

As partners,

Etc.

And can the relationship hold the loss?

Can it acknowledge the loss?

Because if I'm in a relationship with you and I'm afraid to acknowledge what you've given up because I feel bad about what I asked you to give up,

Then I'm not acknowledging the loss that you're experiencing.

And so I'm afraid of feeling shame or guilt.

And so that means our relationship becomes a place that can't hold shame and guilt.

It can't hold reality.

So the collapsing of cells continues,

Right?

Because I give up something,

You don't acknowledge what I give up,

Now I hold resentment,

Right?

And then that just becomes the seed of destruction.

So what we're being asked to do is step so fully into our individual power and also develop the skills to be in relationship with other people while being in our power.

Not trying to take theirs right this is the hardest work i mean we are literally in the hardest time because social media has amplified and created short form content which has created short attention spans which has made it so we can't actually be bored or focus and if you want to be in love and be in a healthy relationship and be in a healthy family you have to be able to be with difference but what all this short form content and echo chambers and all this dehumanization of each other is doing is is making so We can't even be with someone who has a different opinion.

And don't get me wrong,

You're going to come at it with all these examples of how if I let them hold that opinion,

Then I'm letting them hold hate.

Sure,

There are extremes that you can come up with.

But we are really not creating the space to be with what is inconvenient,

Which is people,

Right?

Like people are dating AI now because AI is never gonna talk back to you.

It's never gonna have its own feelings.

It's never gonna have its own boundaries.

It's never gonna have standards,

Right?

Like it's meant to be messy and tough in love and relationship and community.

It's not meant to be easy.

You wouldn't like it if it was.

So in this absence of trying to avoid any form of discomfort or inconvenience Uber eating everything,

We're missing out on what really makes life delicious.

And look,

The science is so clear.

We need other people We need relationships.

Relationships are protective to our health.

They help our minds.

They protect us from cerebral decay,

Right?

And so they help us in terms of managing pain.

They help us do brave things and be courageous.

So that's the work.

And you're listening to this,

You're watching this because you're interested in that work.

And so as we come to the end of this episode,

I want you to think about two things.

Three things.

One,

Hit subscribe and hit the like button.

And if you're listening to this on Spotify,

Make sure you leave a comment.

I want to hear what it brings up for you.

And.

.

.

The other things I want you to think about are where are you holding on to what you're calling negative emotion?

Anger,

Resentment,

Grief,

Regret.

That you're afraid of letting go of because maybe it might mean you move on.

And that's okay.

Like just hold space for that.

But where are you holding on to these feelings and what are these feelings holding you back from doing?

Because if you go do those things,

Those feelings are no longer holding you back.

And if you could take that anger,

That rage,

That grief,

That resentment,

That rebellious energy.

And use it to create,

To build,

To find your way back to other people.

And to also build the skill set to be discerning about the types of people that you engage with.

Because that's often the fear we have.

Let's say we were in a relationship with someone who's narcissistic is how do I trust love again?

Because I can't even trust myself.

It's like you learn to trust yourself first.

You get so deeply understood within yourself,

You walk to the edge of yourself creatively.

You develop boundaries.

You get to know your values.

You go on a beautiful adventure of getting to know yourself.

You stop making excuses for not spending time with yourself.

You stop letting your phone distract you from being with you.

That's the medicine.

And then being with you with other people is the medicine too.

Second part.

Is really exploring that series of writing that I share from Matt.

Of really looking at.

What kind of influence do you want to have?

He uses the word God.

You could use any.

The universe,

Allah,

Whatever is shaping you.

Is.

.

.

If you step into your light,

If you step into your integrity,

You are a beacon for your family and your community and ultimately the world.

That's the work we got to do.

That's the most powerful work and the world needs you.

In that power,

Now more than ever.

So anyways,

With all that said,

I love you.

Thank you for listening.

Thank you for watching.

And I'll talk to you next week.

Reviews

That is an amazing message! Powerful to the point. Get it, take the message, make your move, move up and inspire with your life especially yourself!

Thank 🙏you
🩵Jesse

Thank you for sharing this outlook on life .
A lot of wisdom there and a lot of food for the thought.
Much love 🙏❤️

Excellent, just what I needed to hear

I'm going to offer this to my son who uses alcohol to escape and dwells in the past...this is beautiful. To empower one to use mistakes, regrets, trauma to transform- not to get rid of but to build on. Strong at the broken places.

Thanks I really enjoyed it

Exactly what I needed to hear. I'm gonna listen to it again. Thank you. This really resonates with me.

It’s been awhile since I’ve listened to Mark. Clearly, I’ve been missing out. Thanks for resurfacing. 🧡

I'll be listening to this again and until it sinks in. Thank you.

I love this no nonsense approach to healing ❤️‍🩹 That came right on time and aligned with other things that I am working on and discovering within myself. Thank you ☺️

It is sort of a wake-up call, honest, brutal at times, yet very empowering and encouraging. There is a lot of information that it is to be listened several times;-) I am in a difficult time where emotions flood my system in a sense that feels uncontrollable, I try to take some of the thoughts shared to shape and change this very uncomfortable state - thank you.

Mark is gifted with the natural ability to gently expose what needs healing in the deepest parts of our soul . Practical and insightful teaching 💜🙏🏽

Awesome 👏

This was so needed….thanks !

amazing

Fantastic! Coulendy say it any better, this really resonates with me

Wow! That is a lot to unpack. You just shared profound wisdom and insight. in a very simple way to understand. This is exactly the direction we need to go in order to raise the consciousness into a supportive and loving community. Thank you. I am inspired to go about my day in a different way, and I so needed this message. I hope everyone who is watching this has a blessed day.💚💟🙏

Yes, thank you. Really resounded deeply ... and the last nudge I needed to hear to snap me out of this funk. ✨️🙏🏻✨️

🤯 I really needed to hear all of that. Thank you!