Calm Your Social Anxiety: Overcoming Catastrophic Thinking

Rebuilding social trust after hurt or isolation can feel daunting, yet it is possible. In this session, we explore how relationships shape our nervous system, why social situations can feel threatening, and how to gently build confidence again. Through guided visualization, breathwork, and somatic awareness, we learn practical ways to regulate our bodies, soften catastrophic thinking, and open space for connection.

These practices help us approach friendships, family, and community with greater ease. By taking small, safe steps, we begin to shift from protection into connection, restoring the trust that makes meaningful relationships possible.

Transcript

Social trust and how can we rebuild social trust and what are some of the dynamics around that?

Just to acknowledge that we're all hurt by other people.

When we are hurt by other people,

We tend to have a certain response to that.

Protective mechanisms that we go into.

All kinds of things happen when we're hurt and all of us have been in that situation.

This isn't something that we're doing wrong.

It's not something that there's a fault in us.

This is a common human experience.

We long for connection and we need connection and we also are aware that connection with other people is not perfect and we might be hurt.

And also,

Our nervous system has a negativity bias and it looks back to see everything that's ever happened that hasn't been helpful.

How could we predict or protect ourselves against that?

It can be difficult to be in social settings because it feels threatening to us and our conscious level mind might be going,

Well,

You know,

That's not really the case anymore.

Maybe you had trouble in the past,

But you're more confident now or you're in a situation with close friends.

How could you be nervous?

And as we're doing that and as we're paying attention to that,

We might also notice and just acknowledge this whole business of feeling threatened is something that happens in our nervous system.

It's not something we decide.

When we look at our neuroception,

Which is a term that talks about how our brain and nervous system perceive relative safety or danger.

So if our neuroception isn't accurate,

Then we're either not alarmed enough,

We're not vigilant or careful enough,

Or we're overdoing it.

We're hypervigilant when we don't have to be.

It's really important that we work on more accurate neuroception.

We always start with looking around the room.

We start with getting into our body,

Noticing our seat,

Our breath.

If I'm looking around the room,

I'm not seeing anything dangerous.

I am seeing some things that are supportive and nourishing that makes me feel safer.

And so then we can do our practices with more ease.

So it helps to regulate our nervous system.

Our brain develops depending on our experience.

Human beings have one of the longest childhood developmental processes.

In fact,

They're talking now about our brains don't really fully develop until the late 20s and they are neuroplastic through our whole life.

So we can always create new neural pathways and networks and new brain cells.

So that's something that's new-ish,

30 years that they've known that.

That's good news because when we've had experiences in the past of not feeling safe and being hurt,

It could be from childhood.

Certainly it's true for everyone in earlier adult life.

That's our experience and so we develop the neural networks for protection instead of connection.

And we need new experiences to heal our brain.

So that's part of the reason why I've been doing so many,

What if it works out well?

What if it's not as bad as we think it's going to be?

Catastrophic thinking is something that the mind believes and also a more positive outlook is also something the mind believes.

So we need to work with that principle.

When we feel afraid,

We might not even realize that.

Or we might just have a sense of,

You know,

I'm too tired to do that.

I don't have the energy for that.

And we just kind of turn away.

We might not realize how much this feeling of I'm not safe in the social situation is affecting us.

One of the ways that we can rebuild social trust is by taking small risks around safe people.

A couple weeks ago,

We worked with volunteering and how to change the world by volunteering is such a powerful practice because we get to do what we care about,

What we're really passionate about.

And we get to meet other people who are similarly moved to do something to work with the world and make it a safer place.

We have lots of ways to do this,

But what we're going to do today is do this in our mind.

Bring to mind a social situation.

Some people feel welcome and safe at work.

Some people feel more safe at home.

Some people it's with your friendship group.

Maybe it's with one certain person.

So when we're looking at our level of trust in a social situation,

It's different for everybody.

And I would suspect nobody feels 100% safe all the time,

That we always have this moving experience of that.

Maybe you're thinking about,

You know,

I really need to make some friends and I really like to play cards.

So I'm going to go to this community center where they play cards.

I'm not really comfortable.

So I've driven up to the door of it a couple of times.

I haven't been able to go in.

Or maybe I'm just feeling like,

Oh,

My stomach is just really wiggling around that.

It can feel tired and overwhelming to be around other people.

That's partly a symptom of our nervous system fatigue,

Our exhaustion in our nervous system right now.

If it felt nourishing to be around other people,

We would have more energy for that.

So what we don't have energy for is hard things.

And what we do have energy for is things where we feel included and protected.

So what are some of the ways that you could work with that?

One is that you could ask someone to go with you.

I know you don't like cards that much,

But would you just go with me a couple of times?

When you're in this situation,

You could look around.

There's always someone else who feels anxious.

You walk into the room and it might look like everyone's laughing and getting along and having a good time.

If you look more closely,

There's always some people that don't look as comfortable as others.

Look for that and perhaps go and talk to them.

You could also do physical stuff like soften your forehead,

Relax your shoulders.

So what happens when we feel under threat is we tighten up.

Our shoulders come up around our ears.

We probably either have a more held breath,

A shallower breath.

In addition to moving our shoulders around,

We could do longer exhalations.

A six-second exhalation activates the relaxation response.

We can do that by breathing more deeply,

Like breathing into a count of three,

Breathing out to a count of six.

We could speak in longer sentences.

So this is specific if you're in a social situation.

See if you could say a few sentences,

But don't breathe in in between,

And then say a little bit more.

Don't breathe in in between until you get to at least six seconds,

And then stop and take a breath.

Breathing patterns have a lot to do with how safe we feel,

How comfortable.

Imagine that you're in some social situation that makes you feel a little uncomfortable.

You've relaxed your shoulders.

You've taken some breaths.

Maybe you've identified a person that looks kind of interesting.

Maybe they're kind of on the edge of a group,

Or they seem to be sitting alone,

Or maybe it's somebody that you just kind of feel like,

I think that that's a person that I could go talk with.

Imagine that you might go over there.

So what are some of the things you might do if you're in a card game situation?

Hi,

I'm new here.

Have you been coming here for a while?

I don't really know anybody here.

My name is Lynn.

What's your name?

Or how do you know the host if you're at a house party,

For instance?

What do you like to do for fun?

Do you like to travel?

Where are you from?

Have you lived here for a long time?

There's a lot of different questions that we could use.

So what are some of the things that you might have available to you to start a conversation?

One of the things that's difficult about this is that we don't want to have a negative response.

A negative response might be someone looks at us like a mean girl in high school,

Or they look at us like you don't belong in our world,

And you kind of just shrink away.

We don't want that.

Some of us have had experiences of being shamed,

Or shunned,

Or excluded.

Some probably have had the opposite,

Where they've been really the star of the group.

Having something to say is helpful because then we have a plan.

I'm going to look for a person who might be a little uncomfortable.

I'm going to breathe.

I'm going to relax my shoulders.

And these are some of the things that I might say as I'm approaching them.

Let's work through this in steps.

So you could pick a situation that you're feeling somewhat uncomfortable around,

Or you could do something that has a little bit more intensity.

It's totally up to you,

Of course.

Before we start,

We look around the room.

We establish that we're not actually in the situation that we're going to visualize.

We're here in a safe location,

Safe enough that we can do this practice.

So let's establish that first through our eyes.

And if you were walking into a room full of people,

There would be conversation.

That's not happening here,

So establish it through your ears as well.

And let's do a couple of cyclic sighs just to do a little reset.

Inhale through the nose twice.

And then a long,

Slow exhale like you're breathing out through a straw.

So even before we go into the visual,

Let's get ourselves settled.

Deep inhale,

Double inhale.

Long,

Slow exhale.

And notice your feet,

Notice your seat.

You might move your body around a little if you notice that you're tight.

Bring your eyebrows up,

Let them soften.

So when you think about this situation,

I'm going to just use the example of going into a community center to play cards where you don't know anybody there.

But whatever your situation is,

Just to make it your own.

And we have a reason.

So we want to meet people.

We want to have more connection.

We want to make friends.

We're aware perhaps in our head that we're isolated and that we need to do this.

But also we have something in our heart as well.

We want to make a connection with people.

Maybe since COVID,

We've been feeling a lot more isolated and we want to recover some of that sense we used to have of being comfortable going out into the world.

What is the first step in that process?

It might be when you're at home.

If you're going to drive,

You might be getting your keys.

Notice as you're thinking ahead to being in the situation,

How do you feel in your body?

We have time to really kind of settle into it.

And if you don't have a visual mind,

You might not have pictures in your mind.

Just kind of bring yourself into the situation.

The most important thing is to be in your body and noticing.

When you think about getting into your car,

Walking out of the house to go,

What does that feel like in your body?

And if you have any thoughts,

You might work with those as well.

Nobody's going to pay attention to me.

When I walk into the room,

Everyone's going to look at me and stare.

Let yourself settle into that.

My whole system feels panicky.

So what does that feel like specifically?

Panic often feels like an elevated heart rate.

Your breath changes.

There's some kind of sensation.

Specifically,

What are the sensations in your body?

And then let's go into the locate and describe.

So first,

Where is it?

If it's in your stomach,

Does it go into your whole body or is it more of a tight ball in your gut?

Does your whole body feel kind of like on edge?

And then what is the sensation like?

Is it moving?

Is it still?

Is it hot or cold?

Do you have an image of the sensation or is it more of a felt sense?

And if the sensation feels kind of intense,

You might put your attention on the outside of the sensation.

So wherever the sensation stops,

A lot of sensations just kind of get less and less.

So maybe you can feel it in your stomach,

But you can't feel it in your hands and arms.

So where you don't feel it anymore,

Then notice the space around there.

This would be something that you can do if you're doing it on your own.

You can take your time and do each step,

But as a group,

Let's move to the next step.

So if you feel a little bit less activated here,

A little bit more confident,

Calmer,

Then imagine that you're walking out of your home and you're walking out to the car or you're walking over to the community center,

Walking into work or into a family dinner.

Let that come to mind.

So who's going to be there?

What are the visuals?

What are you expecting as you're not in the room yet,

But you're approaching the door?

It's really helpful at this point to notice our breath,

Let ourselves breathe.

And what is it that your mind is projecting is going to happen?

Do you have any images in your mind of,

I'm going to walk in and all the conversation's going to stop and everyone's going to stare at me?

Notice if you have anything like that.

What are you predicting might happen when you open that door?

And take a few breaths,

Do the cyclic sighing if that helps.

Let your shoulders soften as you breathe out for six seconds.

If you have an image of something that might happen,

You might look at that,

Put it on the wall on the other side of the room.

Here's an image.

Images are colors and shapes.

This image is me standing in the doorway looking really awkward or other people looking at me like,

What are they doing here?

So I can look at the image,

Put a frame around it so you can see that image is over there.

This is something that's in my brain.

It's not happening right now.

I'm not actually in there.

I'm not standing in front of that door ready to go in.

I'm doing an exercise.

And then take your eyes around the empty space or on the outside of the frame a few times and then the other direction.

Practice like that is something that we can then take a couple of deep breaths.

I don't know what's going to happen when I get in the room.

It's probably not that.

If it is,

I could turn around and walk out.

I don't have to stay.

Go into the next step now.

Establish a bit more flow in the breath.

There's probably still some sensation or energy in the body.

But if it feels safe enough for you to walk into that room to open the door,

Then do that.

If not,

Then stay back and do some more work on regulating your nervous system first.

If you open the door and you walk into the room,

One of the first things a lot of us do is we'll look around.

Usually our eyes are drawn to maybe a cluster of people in the middle of the room.

You'll notice if people are looking at you often when someone comes into the room.

Not that they want us there or don't want us there.

It's just that they're looking to see who's there.

It's not personal.

People might be looking at you and you're feeling a little self-conscious about that.

What is there to see here?

Maybe there's a welcoming smile on someone's face.

There's often people in any group who notice here's someone who I haven't seen before.

They're kind of the official or unofficial welcome committee.

Maybe they'll get up or they'll smile and say,

Come on in.

We're just about to start.

Looks like you're new here.

You're welcome.

So that might happen.

Probably not what our brain is predicting will happen,

But it could.

And it often does.

Let yourself run through whatever that scenario is now.

Maybe you see yourself walking across the room.

Maybe somebody gets up to greet you.

And maybe you look around to see,

Is there anybody in the room that looks a little bit more friendly?

We're always pretty good at reading body language.

Maybe it's a family member,

If it's a family situation,

And there's one person who you have a good rapport with,

So you can focus on them.

Take a few breaths.

And then you might walk through something like,

Oh,

I'm happy to be here.

I was excited to see that we have this card game on Mondays.

I'm hoping to start coming now.

Kind of imagine yourself saying that,

But also be more settled in your body.

Maybe take a few breaths.

And if it's not as bad as your brain predicted,

Then it's better than your brain predicted.

So maybe there's a feeling of more welcome.

Maybe there's a feeling of a bit more neutral,

But nobody seems to be glaring at me.

I've been in situations before where I can kind of tough it out,

And I'm okay to stay.

And if I'm not okay to stay,

I can get up and leave.

I can just say,

Excuse me,

Grab my keys,

And away I go.

I'm not trapped in most situations.

The social cost might be higher,

For instance,

If we're at work or in a family,

But we can always say something like,

Oh my,

I've got to go to the washroom,

Or we can always excuse ourselves.

So let's do this for about another minute.

So notice your breath,

Notice your body.

And if this feels like it's made even a little bit of a difference,

Part of what it does is it illustrates our thoughts to us,

That our nervous system is predicting disaster when that's almost always not what happens.

The reason we feel anxious is because of the catastrophic thinking.

So let's look at this as a reverse inquiry.

If you were to say to yourself,

I'm comfortable in social situations.

Notice what the response is.

Probably it's gonna be,

No,

Not so much.

And it might be things like,

Well,

I'm not gonna know what to say,

Or people can feel my anxiety,

They don't want to be around me.

What are some of the things that are operating in the background?

What are some of the thoughts that might be going on in the background?

It's gonna be a really interesting practice to do over and over.

Say something that you wish was more true,

But you know it's not quite.

And then when you say that,

Your unconscious mind will bring forward a rebuttal.

And if you were really comfortable or comfortable enough,

You could handle this.

Maybe you would even find it exciting.

Some people travel and get to know new people because they find it so exciting.

And other people are like,

Oh,

That sounds awful to me.

But for most of us,

Probably I feel really trusted and capable in some situations and not in others.

It's a helpful thing to work with.

We acknowledge there are some issues with social trust.

For whatever reason,

It's all about our nervous system.

It's all about our prediction of what's gonna happen in a social situation.

We acknowledge that our nervous system is the way it is,

Our brain is the way it is,

And there's reasons for that,

And we're not gonna change that overnight.

And we're not helpless in the face of that either.

Let's sit just for a moment now as we finish the practice.

What have I discovered from this?

What has changed?

What have I noticed?

And this is something that I find inserts itself with regularity.

I recognize it,

Often as something really specific.

Maybe I've had an uncomfortable exchange with somebody,

And now I'm gonna see them again,

And it's like,

Ugh.

And then our brain starts to go into all of these predictions.

We can bring ourselves back and go,

Okay,

That's my brain doing its thing.

What I know is I'm gonna see this person,

Or I'm gonna go and connect for the card game,

Whatever that is.

And that's all I know right now.

I have some idea about what might happen.

My brain is probably predicting something,

But a lot of what it's predicting is not going to be what actually happens.

This is an ongoing practice,

To be aware of what's going on in our mind,

To let ourselves experience things that might be a little scary,

But that also these kinds of practices help build our resilience.

And we get to see through some of the thoughts in our mind are just catastrophic thinking.

They're not likely to happen.

And if they do,

I'm an adult now.

I can just walk out.

It can give us more confidence to be in social situations and to really get to know ourselves.

In the final analysis,

To give ourselves some kindness.

It's difficult to be in the world with everybody's nervous systems being so dysregulated.

A lot of people are really isolated and lonely,

And we really want more connection.

And we have to feel safe enough to invite that in and allow that.

And so that's an ongoing practice that we can do.