Healing Your Visibility Wounds

In this enlightening talk, Lou shares how old wounds from our past may be showing up in our present. Through storytelling and reflection, you'll explore the protective patterns that may be keeping you from fully expressing yourself and pursuing what matters most. This talk is an invitation to recognize the ways past experiences still shape present-day choices and to gently build the courage to be seen anyway.

A powerful reminder that growth often requires healing the parts of ourselves that learned visibility was unsafe.

Transcript

Hello, Welcome. My name is Lew Redman. Thanks for listening. I want to share with you a personal story with the intention to highlight a way or ways that we block ourselves from the very thing that we say that we want. And how some of our old wounds, Like especially our high school wounds, There's so much of us that are still living like we're still in high school. We don't even realize it. Some of those wounds of belonging or fitting in or visibility show up and again, Are blocking us in ways that we don't realize. So how this started is I started on a new writing platform. I won't name it here just because I'm not sure if this will actually be published if I name it. But I started on a new writing platform. Form because I was craving a place where I can create for the sake of creating. No, Oh, How will this lead to an offer? How will I monetize? Is this what my niche wants? I wanted to just write and express without an agenda. And so I published my first post and I had no intention of sharing it. And it reminded me of a post and a concept that I've shared about before, Sort of this concept of if no one reads your writing, Is it still worth doing? And so I posted on this app and the post ended up going a bit viral. Just that question, If no one reads your writing, Is it still worth doing? And it received hundreds of comments and it was a nice, Surprising, Fun welcome to the app. And it was really kind of antithetical to the reason I got there because I tasted the dopamine of attention from sudden strangers. And I had found someone that posted the same exact thing word for word. Not that my idea was completely original, But I knew this guy was just trying to use formulas to hack the system. So I ended up posting a screenshot and asking this question, If someone copies your note, Is it flattery or fraud? And I got a bunch of other comments and there was this one comment from someone that said, You all do the same grift. You all do the same grift. And I responded, Which was a bad idea because when you give an internet bully an inch, They'll take a foot. And so I tried explaining myself and I linked to an article where I shared this topic before. He came back ripping my website apart, Calling me an unoriginal writer and that I was just spewing useless platitudes. And I responded again, Which was mistake number two. And he then took three feet. I wish I could share what he wrote, But I couldn't find the comments. I can't remember if I deleted them or if the platform blocked him since I can't imagine I was the only target. Yet what he said was kind of comical, But his energy was malice. And it was kind of destabilizing. I'm someone who can't fathom how people stir up debate online. Whenever I have an internet conflict, I can't sleep. I try to avoid it at all costs. And I realized that it stems from my teen years. When I started dating my high school girlfriend, There was this guy who really liked her and he ended up egging my car. And this started this whole aim chat drama. Which if you're a millennial or a little older, You might remember AIM, Where his friends would message me and try to incite a fight. And all I wanted to do was for the situation to go away. But I was being called names, The P word if I didn't stand up for myself. And so amidst this intense fear, I forced myself to confront this guy. And luckily, It ended up fizzling out and not really going anywhere. But fast forward 18 years, And my substack brings up those same feelings. In high school, If I ran from it, It would grow stronger. I would have to see these people at school and constantly fear what messages I would get back home. Online strangers are different. This person doesn't know me, But there is still this primal fear tomorrow that I'm going to go to school, Quote unquote, And this bully will be there. And so there's this protected part kicked in, This old wound, This old teenage protected part kicked in. And what happened, How it protected me was I stopped showing up on that platform. And this experience highlights one of my core blocks. Because on one hand, I want to be successful. And honestly, I've talked about this elsewhere, The fame and attention that comes with it. I want that. On the other hand, I want to avoid conflict and people disliking me. Yet if I look at anyone with notable success, Their comments section is filled with haters. And so if I want to be seen, I need to allow the good with the bad. A coach recently told me that my content is very agreeable. I rarely take a stance that may elicit opposition. And he's right. I see this as childhood part, Protecting itself, Not wanting to confront the bully and feel those feelings again. I don't want people to not like me. I don't want people to disagree with me. But I'm not 17 anymore. And I'm guessing neither are you. Although we've grown up, Many of us are still in high school. If you're working on something that asks you to put yourself out in the world, There are likely childhood wounds getting in the way. There are protective parts that see being visible as unsafe. Maybe you'll get kicked out of your friend group. Maybe you'll be laughed at in gym class. Maybe you'll be asked to prom by the coolest kid in school and then get egged when you show up to their house. Sorry, That last one is from the plot of the movie Never Been Kissed. Whatever you do, Some people won't agree. They won't like you. Some will want to tear you down. Don't let them get to you like I let this guy get to me. Don't even give them attention. When you get a hater, The best thing to do is celebrate. It means you're putting yourself out there enough to get someone who doesn't like it. Remember, Their comments say more about them than you. If you keep showing up amidst the fear, You retrain your body that it's safe to be seen and it's safe for people to disagree. We need you to show up for your gifts. Whatever your childhood wounds are, Work with them, Find a coach, Find a therapist. Know that they're only going to keep getting in the way as you pursue who you are, You pursue what you're becoming in this world. And it's good to look at them. That's why this journey is a healing, A transformational journey is because the things are meant to come up. So thank you so much for listening. I'd love to hear how this resonated. If you have wounds from high school that you feel like you're still living out. And if you're wanting to work with them, I ended up creating a course that's called Essential Tools for Healing and Transformation. And I created that course with the intention that if someone couldn't do one-on-one coaching with me, That this is the course that would do some of the core practices that might show up in a coaching container. So if you haven't checked out that course, Please go ahead, Check that out on here. And I so appreciate you, I'm rooting for you, As you know, Sending so much love, And I look forward to connecting with you soon. Take care.

Reviews

Wow Lou, thank you.

Recently I have become a Pilates Group Fitness Instructor (with minimal training before I was thrown into that position). Your talk helped me remember that when I was a child, one of my only safe spaces from an abusive, dysfunctional home, was the gym. And one of the best feelings, amidst all that chaos, was feeling that natural dopamine release as the sweat “cleansed” my body.

Recently, I can get so caught up in a Part terror which asks “what if I cannot provide that safe space for others, that I could not have survived without, as a teenager?” And it puts value on my worth because it is that exposure you were just referring too. Wow, layers.

Thank you for this safe space to land and to process. The guidance from my Higher Power is divinely graced as it shows up through you and your teachings, always on time. Thank you again .