Hello,
My name is Lou Redman and welcome to today's daily insight.
Most of my practices are inspired by experience and often it's the most difficult experiences that seem to resonate most with people.
And this one is just that and I'm nervous to share this because it puts my insecurities on display in a big way.
Yes,
That's right,
Us teachers still have insecurities and while there may be some enlightened masters who don't,
I don't pretend to be one.
So with that some context,
I teach meditation in US Northern New Jersey.
New Jersey doesn't really have a main hub of a city so we tend to just call that city New York which typically means anyone who is anybody in anything is in New York.
At least that can be the perception of it.
And it can feel like New Jersey is kind of this minor league sports team to New York.
So while I teach in New Jersey it's my comparing and competitive nature to think that quote-unquote the best meditation teachers are in New York City.
And I just recently went to one of the premier meditation studios in New York City.
And this is a good part of the story to tell you I've never received a piece of paper that's told me I am certified to teach adults meditation unless you count a yoga teacher training.
I've done a couple weekend mindfulness teacher trainings but I was leading meditations long before then.
I had an awakening from my own practice and I just wanted to share what I learned with others.
And since people seem to like it I was able to find my own voice and I'm grateful for that.
But still there's this gnawing in the back of my head that I am an imposter and I am a fraud.
So when the desk attendant told me all of the teachers had 10 plus years of experience it stirred my insecurity.
While sitting in meditation with the teacher I had all of these tough feelings come up.
It really triggered this deep feeling of comparison and self-judgment.
Like I shouldn't be doing what I was doing.
Like if these people found out about me I'd be finished.
And this is all coming from the guy who has a course on Insight Timer on this exact topic.
I believe that we teach what we need to embody most.
I've been transparent that I don't have it all figured out.
I am on the journey working through it with you and it's that experience I hope shines light on your life.
I got home later that day and I it was like my confidence was shattered.
I wanted to curl up under my covers in a ball and just shut away from the world.
All from my own mental drama of unworthiness.
I know Tara Brock would call it the trance of unworthiness that many of us feel.
Why do we feel unworthy to do what our heart is calling us to do?
If there is any mark of our worthiness it's the fact that we were born on this earth.
We came from nothing.
There is a seven trillion chance that we should even be here.
If we can expand our awareness to see the magnitude of what we're living in we could never get wrapped up in this tiny sense of our self.
I think we need to look up at the stars at night more and see our place in the cosmos.
Reminding ourselves of our utter smallness in the blip of eternity is one of the best ways I know how to get out of our ego and step into the immensity of who we really are.
I'm grateful for this experience because every negative experience shares a great lesson.
The lesson for me is that there is more healing to do.
More understanding of myself and this world and that inspires me.
I hope it allows me to serve you better.
To have a deeper empathy for our human struggle.
So before our practice begins I'd like you to think about where do you feel unworthiness manifest in your life?
How does it hold you back?
And we are going to work on transforming that today.
So let us begin to settle in.
Starting to come into your space.
If there's any last movements you need to take before allowing yourself to fully settle in please do so.
And I'd like you to allow yourself and allow your body to really feel like it's being held.
Feeling the physical support of whether it's a chair or cushion,
A mat.
Begin to really feel that connection and that grounding that you are making with your body.
As you do so letting the weight of your body root down into that support.
Feeling held.
And start to use your rhythm of breath to further settle you into this feeling of being held.
Feeling the openness create space on each inhale.
And feel each exhale as you contract and root down even deeper.
And now that we have this sense of being held physically I'd also invite you to see if you can feel held by the other energies that you cannot see.
And so maybe feeling held by the invisible energy in your space right now.
The invisible energy is running through your body.
You're also maybe feeling held by the support of energy that you have in your life whether that's friends,
Family.
And also could be the support of the community on Insight Timer.
Right?
The invisible energy that maybe others are feeling at this exact moment.
And together with me I'd like you to take a breath in and let that go.
And I'm going to have you work on a little bit of a visualization.
So I invite you to bring to mind a situation or a time in your life and you have felt a feeling of unworthiness.
Maybe it's an insecurity around the performance,
A relationship,
A social situation.
See if you can visualize yourself in this situation.
Creating that image in your mind's eye.
And first noticing what you feel in that situation.
Maybe sensing when you hear the people around you,
Your own internal critic.
And sensing what you see.
Who's there?
And really just coming through all the senses,
Right?
Smell,
Taste.
In full color allow yourself to be in there.
In the safe place of our practice and see if you can be with it for this moment.
Notice what it is bringing up in your body.
I know if there's any tightening or heaviness.
Is there initial reaction to want to run from the feeling or the situation?
Using your rhythm of breath as you're anchoring.
See if you can stay here for a few more moments watching this scene in your mind.
And now I'd like you to look outward into this scene.
So you see yourself there,
Right?
You're kind of separate from you.
You're not necessarily in this scene.
I'd like you to imagine that same situation.
However,
It is not the adult version of you.
It is the child version of you.
So the same situation but it's just yourself as a child.
Maybe it's a seven-year-old.
And notice what that does.
If it changes anything at all.
Is it easier to be with it?
Is it more difficult?
And just watch it for a few moments.
And being in this safe space of meditation,
You get to now act as a mentor to your younger self.
Because you know intellectually what this younger version lost emotionally somewhere along the way.
So I'd like you to go ahead and grab their hand from the situation and you're gonna take them away from it.
And you're gonna take them on a little walk in a park.
And you can imagine any park that feels right for you.
And just begin walking,
Holding their hand,
Taking in this scene of your park.
Notice how the path feels beneath your feet.
And feel the sun's rays coming down to shine on both of you.
Hear the birds,
Smell the flowers.
And just for a moment enjoy this calming walk together with your younger self.
Holding his or her hand with a gentle compassion.
And then go ahead and walk this child over to a grassy area where I'd like you to sit face to face with them.
And maybe you're sitting on the grass.
Maybe you take out a blanket.
Maybe you're in chairs.
It's creating that scene sitting with them.
And I'd like you to ask them if they remember other times in their childhood when they felt unworthy.
Maybe they were left out of a group.
Maybe they were bullied.
Maybe they had a parent or a coach that made them feel like they weren't enough.
And allow them to tell you about this time or a few times.
And as they do just send them love and understanding.
And just listen and be there for them.
And then I'd like you to grab both of their hands.
And pull them a little closer.
And tell them something that they really needed to hear in that moment.
They really needed to hear this when you were this age.
And I'm gonna repeat a few words.
And you're welcome to say this out loud or just imagining yourself saying this.
You don't have to prove yourself to anyone.
You are enough just the way you are.
You were born whole.
You will always be whole.
You came from nothing.
You are worthy of everything.
And that child needed to hear that so much that they take out a piece of paper and they write down all that you just told them.
And then they sign it.
They fold up the piece of paper.
They hand it to you as a gift.
And you put it in your pocket.
Go ahead and give that child a hug.
Give them some love.
Give them understanding.
And then bring them back into your body right here and right now.
And this time sitting by yourself.
Giving yourself those same words.
You can bring me even bring one hand on your heart one hand on your navel if that feels okay.
I don't have to prove myself to anyone.
I am enough just the way I am.
I was born whole.
I will always be whole.
I came from nothing.
I am worthy of everything.
And get back up from your seat this time by yourself and begin walking down the path again.
Allow the Sun to start to come down until it comes to the night sky.
And there are no lights in the area.
There's just this beautiful starlit night.
It's a new moon.
There's a deep darkness.
And begin to take in the stars.
Take in the vastness.
And how does that make you feel?
I'm taking in this bigger picture.
Go ahead and take your paper out of your pocket and hold it up in the night sky.
I'd like you to use this image as a reminder that you are both nothing and everything.
You came from nothing and you are worthy of everything.
Now go ahead and put that paper back in your pocket for a reminder whenever you need it again.
You can come back to that piece of paper that your younger self wrote you.
You know that you are worthy.
And you can slowly begin to come back into your room and back into your body.
And open your eyes whenever is ready.
And I thank you for practicing with me and moving through that.
I encourage you to find a real piece of paper or a note card and write those words to yourself.
I will go ahead and make a comment of them in the comments.
I also encourage you to go outside at night with that piece of paper and do exactly what I guided you through.
Hold it up to the stars.
Even if you're in a place where you can't see them.
And then keep this paper in your pocket as you go through your day to act as support for what you may be going through.
And use this as a reminder of your worth,
Of your innate worth that you didn't have to work for.
Always feel free to engage and I love hearing from you.
I wish you many blessings and support as always.
Namaste.
