Expectations: Post Election Reflection

This talk is about one area of the mind that is interesting and important to give attention to. How the mind is capable of having expectations and we don’t even notice it happening. Without noticing it, you may already be suffering from the ways in which expectations can undermine your life. Expectations are believing that something is going to happen and then waiting for it to happen. Oh, something good! Oh no! Something bad. It’s the voice in your head that is predicting a future outcome. It says, "This is what’s going to happen next."

Transcript

So given the results of the election,

I would like to talk about one area of the mind that is interesting and important to give attention to.

How the mind is capable of having expectations.

And we don't even notice this happening.

Without noticing it,

You may already be suffering from the ways in which expectations can undermine your life.

By definition,

Expectations are believing that something is going to happen and then waiting for that to happen.

Like,

Oh,

No,

Something is going to happen.

Something bad.

It's the voice in your head that is predicting future outcomes.

The voice that says,

This is what's going to happen next.

We have this idea that we're always having to be moving towards progress,

Improving and achieving and advancing and developing.

We have this idea.

And of course we have this idea.

Of course we have this idea.

It's a developmental model that we've all adopted.

As we age,

We get more mature and wiser and wiser.

This is the direction,

Right?

I wonder,

Like,

How many podcasts and YouTube videos are out there promoting how to fix yourself and how to improve yourself?

How many do you imagine?

This idea of improvement.

And even in our practice,

We have this idea of making something happen.

Getting something out of it.

Like I should be having some experience of peace right now when I sit down to meditate.

Or we think that something special should happen.

Like whatever experience we're having,

It shouldn't be like the way that it was last week.

It should be somehow better.

It should be easier at the very least.

Not like the last time,

Right?

And this is so subtle in the body and the mind,

This expectation.

The feeling that this is not quite good enough.

Not quite right.

And when we start to pay attention to the way our expectations work in the body,

What we discover is that it's a tension.

It's like this little agitation that exists in the body.

And the way that the mind wraps around it is it's kind of like always looking for what's next.

What's next?

Agitation shows up so often and we don't even notice it.

We don't even notice it.

And if we look a little bit more deeply at this sort of agitation that we may be experiencing,

We might also see that underneath it is disappointment,

Right?

There's disappointment.

So disappointment arises when our expectations are not met.

So what are expectations?

So this is a good inquiry.

What are expectations?

We have a scenario in the mind,

In our imagination.

The scenario is 100% in our minds.

So the thought about what should happen,

This is what the root of an expectation is.

The thought that something should happen 100% in our imagination,

In our minds.

And it's based on our experience,

Of course.

But it has the same substance and the same fleeting nature as the thought that I need to pick up dog food on my way home.

It's exactly the same nature as that thought,

That expectation.

So expectation is having a thought and then we transpose it onto our direct experience.

They're ideas,

They're imaginations in the mind,

Only in the mind.

We take these things out of our mind and we put them on top of the present moment experience.

And then we have dread and fear and disappointment and worry.

So recognizing that we have these thoughts,

These ideas,

These expectations that we lay on top of our immediate experience.

And then we can start to experience them as,

You know,

They don't really,

These expectations don't match.

I want them to match up to my direct experience in some way.

Somehow our experience should change when the mind is not matching up with the expectation.

And that's when the agitation arises.

And what's so amazing,

What I've been really watching within myself,

Is that despite the suffering that expectations cause,

We hardly even notice them most of the time.

I mean,

Sure,

There may be a few big ones,

You know,

But most of the time our expectations,

We're not even aware of them.

We just have them.

They're just part of our experience.

It turns up in so many different forms from what we expect of ourselves,

What we expect of others,

What they expect of us.

You may be kind of conditioned of having high expectations or low expectations or no expectation.

I've met a lot of beautiful,

Wonderful teachers.

And do you know what they all have in common?

They have very,

Very little expectation.

I really appreciate that.

I've learned a lot from that.

So thousands of expectations happen in every area of your life every day.

And the important thing for people who are doing mindfulness practice is to be able to see them,

To see expectations as they operate,

To recognize them,

To identify them,

And to learn to see how we're holding on to them.

What is our attachment to our expectation?

Are we depending on things working out a certain way?

I think we got caught in that.

Yeah.

Are we resisting this certain outcome?

Yeah,

I'd say so.

So what is our relationship to our expectations?

I don't think it's possible to live without expectations.

I think we can have few,

But I don't think that it's possible to live without them completely.

And expectations are always the result of what are called in Buddhism a wanting mind,

The wanting mind.

This wanting mind is driven by our desires and our aversions and our anxiety.

And wanting mind creates an illusion of solidity and control in a world that is constantly changing and unfolding independent of how we think it should be.

So this practice of mindfulness is teaching us so much of the practice is coming back to the present moment,

Coming back to the present moment,

Just here.

One of the powers of meditation practice is coming back here again and again to whatever is present,

Whether we like it or we don't like it.

It's coming back to the truth of the experience right now.

And in time,

Our thoughts,

Our expectations are less directive,

Have less authority over us.

It's just doing what the mind does.

Like this moment is like this.

When we just see this moment is like this,

Agitation,

Expectation,

Disappointment.

Here we are together,

Oh,

That's pleasant,

Opening,

Connecting.

The agitation begins to soften when we're fully here in the moment.

Mindfulness practice is seeing things as they really are.

Not what we expect them to be,

Not what we imagine them to be,

Not what we're tripping on in the future or what they were in the past.

Not about getting anywhere.

Part of the way that mindfulness practice makes our life better is that it actually supports being here,

Being here together.

Even if it's not exactly the way that we want it,

The truth is just here.

And to wish it otherwise leads to agitation.

And agitation in the body is unhealthy for our bodies.

It leads to stress and stress causes all kinds of problems.

So meditation is about allowing yourself to be who you are in this very moment with all of it,

But we're not getting swept away in the mind,

In the thinking mind that can hold the thought of going and picking up dog food on the way home and having an expectation that somebody else should be leading the nation.

These are two thoughts and we actually place different value on these thoughts.

Both are just expectations.

As we practice these expectations,

They begin to melt away.

There's more space and there's less struggle with what is,

Less complaining,

Less disappointment.

One senior Dharma teacher from the spirit rock tradition,

His name is Philip Moffitt.

He wrote a piece called the tyranny of expectations.

And he talks about in this article,

The difference between expectations and possibilities.

He said that expectations assume a certain result and are future-based,

Narrowing our options and creating pressure and hold our present sense of wellbeing hostage to a future that may or may not happen.

So we can't be free in the present moment when we are controlled by our expectations.

This is powerful.

We cannot be free in the present moment when we are controlled by our expectations.

You can't be happy or content with the beauty of the snow or the way that the sun sets when there is some interpreted expected future continually ruminating in the mind.

So maybe you can start to feel how our expectations can enslave us,

Enslave us.

But Moffitt says in contrast to expectations,

Possibilities are based in the present moment when we're alive to the mystery of our life.

You live as fully as you possibly can this day that has been given in the present moment based on your values right here and now.

And they do reflect,

Our values do reflect preferences for a future,

But don't assume that that future will come to pass.

Being open to possibilities acknowledges that what you may think,

What you may want to change may or may not happen.

We often live in the future and we have this idea of progress that there'll be more happiness later on when things change.

Or maybe we are taking on now with the changing of the guard,

So to speak,

That the future is looking really bleak.

And maybe that future,

You know,

Maybe we'll die before it all unfolds,

Right?

Maybe we'll just die before it all unfolds.

But the real joy of life,

It's only available right now,

Right now,

This day,

This moment together.

So living a life that is open to possibilities is more like the act of witnessing your faith,

The faith you have in life.

Your well-being is not contingent on who the president is.

Your well-being is not contingent on who the president is.

Your mind is open and inspired only in this moment.

When we live in possibility with curiosity,

Our mind is clear and it's less reactive and we make better decisions.

We respond to life rather than react to life as it unfolds.

My teacher offers an approach to working with expectations.

He says that whoever practices mindfulness,

So all of us,

And just kind of the practice of really just being here now with this.

If we're going to have expectations,

We should expect anything.

Anything can happen at any time.

Expect the unexpected to happen.

If you can expect anything,

Then there is a certain kind of ease that happens in the mind.

You can relax because you expect anything,

Right?

And maybe we're not resisting so much or depending on a particular thing as much,

But rather we're just expecting anything.

It's a kind of openness and it can be open in a kind of relaxed way.

You should expect anything,

Anything at all.

Expect the unexpected to happen.

And when we can do that,

We can decide what to do about it and how to respond to it.

If our attention can stay relaxed and open,

Then we can receive what's happening in a way that we're more available to what's happening.

It enables us to be more effective and come up with a response to deal with whatever's happening that is not reactionary.

So I encourage you to play with this,

Expecting everything and anything.

Just whatever happens,

Oh,

This too,

Oh,

This too.

I'll close with a poem by Padra Otume called The Facts of Life,

The Facts of Life.

That you were born and you will die.

That you will sometimes love enough and sometimes not.

That you will lie,

If only to yourself.

That you will get tired.

That you will learn most from the situations you did not choose.

That there will be some things that move you more than you can say.

That you will live,

That you must be loved.

That you will avoid questions most urgently in need of your attention.

That you began as the fusion of a sperm and an egg of two people who were once strangers and may well still be.

That life isn't fair.

That life is sometimes good and sometimes even better than good.

That life is often not so good.

That life is real and if you can survive it,

Well,

Survive it as well with love and art and meaning given where meanings are scarce.

That you will learn to live with regret.

That you will learn to live with respect.

That structures that constrict you may not be permanently constricting.

That you will probably be okay.

That you must accept change before you die,

But you will die anyway.

So you might as well live and you might as well love.

You might as well love.

You might as well love.

You might as well love.

So can we love this moment?

Can we recognize that it's like this right now?

And that is the way of love?

Let's just sit for a moment.

Reviews

Brilliant, insightful and compassionate. Thank you.