Why You Can’t Love Yourself If You Grew Up Invisible

Have you ever looked successful on the outside, but deep down still felt unseen, unworthy, or emotionally disconnected from yourself? Do you struggle to set boundaries, speak your truth, or believe you matter without having to earn it first?

If so, you are not broken. You are patterned. And patterns can be changed.

In this powerful live workshop episode, Lisa A. Romano explores one of the deepest wounds adult children of dysfunction carry, the inability to truly love themselves. With the psychological depth, nervous system insight, and compassionate clarity that has helped millions understand their healing journey, Lisa reveals why self-love is not a personality trait, it is a developmental experience.

This is not about vanity. It is about visibility.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough, The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true authentic self. I'm Lisa A. Romano, Your host. As an award-winning author and certified life coach, I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind. I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self. My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening. In this podcast, I'll share insights, Tools, And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery. Namaste, Everybody. Thank you so much for being here. So today, We're going to continue our series on self-love. And this is a topic that touches every human being there is. If you are a human being, You've been touched by self-love or the lack of self-love. And you probably want more self-love. Or if you're someone like me, You may not have even realized that you lacked self-love. Now this is super important because many of us go through life without true self-awareness. And research in the field of sociology and human behavior suggests that more people think that they're self-aware than they actually are. And that's frightening to think that most of us, We're all us, Right? We're all humans. So when I'm talking about this information, It's not like I'm talking about some other person. I'm also including myself because I'm a human being. I'm a human being that has a self. I'm a human being that has an ego. I'm a human being whose mind operates like everybody else's mind out there. It's 95% unconscious, 95% of the time. And if that doesn't make you sit up and say, Whoa, Like what, What? Say what? Yeah, It should really give you reason to pause. It really should. Like, Hmm, Let me pause about my thinking. Let me, Let me just activate some level of higher consciousness so that I find the space between my thoughts and I climb up the ladder of the subconscious mind and I look under the hood because most people are not doing that. Most people are reactive. They have a thought, They react. They have an emotion, They react. They look at someone, Someone says something, They react. Someone does something, They react. It is the nature of, It's actually quantum science, It's cause and effect. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. It's just me personally. I want to be part of the collective that isn't controlled by what's happening outside of me. Hell, I don't want to be even controlled by what's happening inside of me unless I have made that which is unconscious conscious. Learn the hard way that growing up with emotional neglect, Being gaslit, Especially by my mom almost on a daily basis, At least that's what it felt like. Growing up invisible, Needing to shrink around her, Feeling that I was a burden to her. And she never said, You're not a burden. You know, I love you. As a matter of fact, My mother's language was, I have to take care of you, Right? I have to love you, But I don't have to like you. I mean, Who says that, Right? Immature, In my mother's case, Immature, Unconscious, Adult child of an alcoholic teenage mom. She was 19 when she gave birth to me. Both her parents were alcoholics. Tremendous trauma, Tremendous trauma. But did I know that as a sacred inner being? Did I know that my mom was stuck below the veil in her own trauma? No, No. Does her innocent unconsciousness, Does that sort of like excuse her behavior? No. Because my mother knew that what she was doing was wrong. Where she failed was she never tried to fix it. And I think that went back to shame and a lack of the ability to be vulnerable. She just didn't have the coping skills. It was all hide, Hide, Hide. Pretend that I don't have this hidden rage. Pretend that I'm not codependent with high narcissistic traits. Pretend that I don't have all this childhood trauma. Just pretend, Just pretend, Just pretend. Pretend my daughter doesn't have low self-worth, OCD symptoms, Hides, Has no friends. Let's just pretend she's not pulling the hair out of the top of her head or counting on her fingers or not eating. Let's just pretend that she's not doing these weird things. Let's just pretend. That's what my mother did. And that led itself to having, Apt for myself, Low self-worth. I had absolute no self-worth. And that you can't have self-worth unless you know that you have a self. And in order to have a self, Psychologically now I'm talking, In order to, Inside your own head, When you think like, Who am I? Great existential question. Who am I? Am I worthy because I breathe? Am I worthy even when I fail or make a mistake? Am I worthy even when someone disagrees with me or misunderstands me? Am I worthy when I know that I've just put in a project to my manager and it's not perfect? Do I berate myself or just say, Let me wait for the feedback? Like what do I do? Because if I love myself, I'm not going to berate myself. If I love myself, I'm going to be kind to this, This concept of a self, This compassionate self. I'm going to be compassionate to this idea of this self that I have. But here's the thing. If you grew up in dysfunction, You aren't allowed to have a self. The way to have a self as a child, The way to form a psychological container for I am depends on what you experience from the outside. No different. No different than when you look at a house plant and it's thriving, You must assume that because the house plant isn't outside, It's not benefiting from rain, It's not benefiting from the leaves decaying and creating like nutrients, Like nitrogen or phosphates or whatever else this plant needs. It's not getting fertilizer from the outside naturally. A house plant depends on a caregiver. And if the caregiver ignores the house plant, Doesn't fertilize the house plant, Lets the house plant go, The house plant can't survive. It can't flourish. Now if we think about a house plant having a consciousness where there are some people that do believe that house plants have a consciousness and they've done studies that suggest that a house plant knows when the caregiver is approaching because the energy field picks up. They've measured the plant's energy field, Which is absolutely incredible. So I love my plants. I want them to know mama's home, Mama's here. She's taking care of you. I see you. I see you. Literally, That's how I talk to my plants. And if you think about a plant having consciousness, The plant that is thriving would feel I am worthy, Because without asking for water, I receive it. Without asking to be put on the shelf near the sun, A caregiver outside of me does it. Without knowing that I need to be fertilized, A caregiver fertilizes me. It's like a warm hug. I know that I'm worthy as a house plant because this love is consistent. I never have to worry about it. It's predictable. And the only difference between a plant cell and a human cell is a cell membrane. And the reason I say that is because your brain loves metaphors. The human brain learns best with metaphors. The brain learns by metaphors. It's like taking a key concept and planting a story on top of it. It just helps neurologically because everything's neuroscience. It's not just talk therapy. It's neuroscience. When you take a concept and you layer it with a story that your brain can relate to, Your mind can relate to, That helps shunt an idea or a concept from short-term to long-term memory. You might forget a lot of what I said, But you probably won't forget the analogy of the house plant and this idea that it's in a container and it can't take care of itself. It needs a caregiver from the outside. And if that plant has consciousness, It feels enough. It has self-love. Why? Because somebody consistently said, You are enough. Not through words, But through actions. So the plant then felt enough. Why? Because it was always getting what it needed and it didn't even know what it needed. And so that's the way it is for adult children of dysfunction. We don't know we have a self because we weren't nurtured by a caregiver in a consistent, Predictable way that allowed us to develop the consciousness for an I am. Enough. I am enough because I breathe. You see, Children don't know what they need. They don't say, Mom. Well, Sometimes they do. They might say, Mom, I need a hug, Or they'll say, Mom, I'm hungry, Or dad, You're talking too loud. They might do that. But if that child is consistently pushed away, Or chastised, Or worse, Because they've expressed their emotions, Then that child's I am worthiness cannot take shape on a psychological level. Deeper, My theory is this idea of mirror neurons, Right? So how did cavemen teach their children before language? How did our ancestors teach baby cave people how to cook? They observed their parents. So little cave boy observed dad go spear some wild boar, And the little boy's mirror neurons turned on. He's got a schema. He's got a program for how to survive, Right? Incredible. No advanced learning, Just watching, Just watching. And everyday repetition through observation and consistency. This little baby boy's brain learned, Ah, That's how you go. That's how you survive. You hunt, And this is the way you hunt, And this is the way you crouch, And this is the way you skin the boar. And maybe the little female in the family learned to cook, Because we very much, Especially early ancestors, Had gender roles, And they were very specific. And so think about mirror neurons. So if I'm in a home where I'm getting ignored, And what I'm photographing at the subconscious level is somebody who ignores my emotions, What do I do? I ignore my emotions. Well, I guess they're not important. And if I watch my codependent mom chase boyfriends and worry about the way that she looks and make sure she looks terrific and she smells, But I'm hungry, And all mom cares about is what her boyfriend thinks about her, What am I being programmed for? Worry about what other people think. Don't worry about how you feel. Worry about how other people feel about you. So we want to understand that self-love, It's very deep. It's very deep. It's not something, Hoo-hoo, Self-love, Oh. It's not this bougie concept. It's everything. It goes back to who am I, And am I worthy? It goes back to a sense of safety. You see, If you feel worthy, Then you can learn to anchor to your true self, And you can learn to speak with authenticity, Even when your knees are shaking. You can give people, I say give people permission to leave. I give you permission to dislike me. I'm good, Because I know that I'm enough. I have innate worth. I don't have material worth. I have innate worth. My worth is not dependent upon the fact that I age or don't age. I have dark hair or gray hair. That's all BS. That's the world of illusion. That's the world of capitalism, Because if I hate the way I look, Then I'm going to go buy products and do things to prevent the natural pace of aging. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to get caught up in relationships with men that are very superficial. I don't want that energy in my life. So when I learn that I have innate worth, A lot of this codependent crap starts to dissolve. It has to, Because codependency is rooted in low self-worth. Codependency is rooted in shame. I'm not enough. It's rooted in false beliefs. If you're okay, Then I'm okay. And if you're not okay, I can't be okay. Like it's my job to fix you. Your stuff is my stuff to carry. I have to worry about the people in my life. It's selfish not to. I can't say no. My husband might be upset with me. He expects me to go and do X, Y, And Z. I can't say no. That's a lack of self-love. That's me thinking that my safety is found in how well I'm able to perform for others. My safety is found in how well I am able to make others feel like I'm going to be a doormat for them. My sense of safety comes from how well I'm able to edit myself to match the perception that I believe my partner wants to have of me. Oh my God, I lived there for like 12 years in my first marriage. I'm so thankful I'm with my new husband for 16 years. Incredible. Milestone. I'm now with my second husband longer than I was with my first husband. That's the benefit of this work. It's not easy, But it literally changes your life. And I would rather spend one day on God's green earth above the veil and in pain and recognizing that I was below the veil, That I was operating from this weird subconscious paradigm created by dysfunctional family systems. I'd rather live one day above the veil in pain and in the beautiful authenticity of that awakening than all of my days below the veil and in pain, Hands down. Because I often get letters from people who are in their 70s and 80s, Oh Lisa, It's too late for me. And I always, You know, My heart breaks for the person who's like, Oh, It's too late for me. I get those emails. Like, Oh, If this all sounds, Especially after I do a workshop, Oh, This sounds wonderful, But it's too late for me. Right? She's 63. I'm 60. I'm going to be 61 in March. It's not too late. Unless you say so. Because thoughts create your reality. If you don't open up to a potential, You can't experience that potential. Yet that potential, Don't say that potential doesn't exist, Dear one. The potential exists. The potential always exists. The question is, Are you going to step into that potential? Are you going to say, I think I can? Are you going to say, I won't? And that really does, And I'm, I'm very tough love. I say it like it is. I don't want to waste your time. I think we, We, We need to know what side of the aisle we fall on, You know, Am I a tire kicker or am I really going to take information that I'm hearing and resonate with? And am I going to chew on it and chew on it and chew on it and explore it? Am I going to do that? Am I going to do that? Because neuroplasticity, Which is what healing really is, Can we just say it like it is? We've been running around in circle, In trauma circles, You know, Like, Oh, I need this. It's neuroplasticity. Your brain was designed to rewire itself, But you got to get the gunk out of the way. So yes, So we do need the mind, But the mind has to be mastered and that doesn't happen overnight because in my opinion, I went to five or six, Well, It is, It's not my opinion, It's a fact. I went to at least five or six therapists. I read 200 books in a short amount of time and I wasn't getting what I needed. I was going into 12 steps. I wasn't getting what I needed. I didn't want to learn to live with codependency. I wanted to break through it. I didn't want to be codependent anymore. Right? Codependent no more. I don't want to be codependent anymore. No more. No more. No more. I wanted to be free of it. And when I started to dig, Dig, Dig, Dig, Dig, Dig, And I studied the subconscious mind, I was like, There it is. There's the missing piece. No one's talking about this as a program. More people are talking about it now, Thank goodness. But I've been talking about this for over 20 years. It's a survival program and it's not your fault and it could be no other way. If you are a child of dysfunction, Chances are you are always in a state of survival. You're in a stress response 24 hours a day. You go to bed anxious. You go to bed worrying. Your dreams are worried. You have worried dreams, Nightmares, You can't sleep, Or if your sleep is broken sleep, You wake up and the first thing that you notice is you're worried again. You worry, Worry, Worry, Worry, Worry, Worry, And that's not your fault. That's a body that's keeping the score, Holding on to that energy. That's a mind that is a pressure cooker, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom. The Recticular Activating System has learned that it is unsafe to express your emotions. And what keeps this locked down? False beliefs. I can't say that. Now what's the lock? What's the lock mechanism? The experience that you had when you tried to express yourself? Mom, Don't talk to me that way, Or no, I don't want to do that, Or I don't like when Uncle Joe kisses me, Right? What came after that moment of absolute authenticity? Were you gaslit? Was did your parents abuse their power over you and humiliate you? Did they embarrass you or worse? What happened when you dared to say, I don't like this? What happened? Pain versus pleasure. So if your nervous system, And that's what it was designed to do, CPTSD, I think is, It's the consequence of a divine system that was created to keep us safe. It's just outdated. And we don't have enough language yet, And that's what I work on. We want language that unlocks those CPTSD locks so that we can escape. That's what we're looking for. And it's possible. I've done it. I've helped thousands and thousands of people do it. So I know it works. You just gotta do it.

Reviews

This is really powerful & helpful information. Thank you.

Great talk. I’m 69 years old. I’ve been doing this work for decades. What’s interesting? Is since my husband of 35 years died three years ago and it was a beautiful loving healthy relationship. And with him gone now, it’s like I’m having to relearn all this again. Because nobody saw me like he saw me and I’m having to learn to see myself from that place of innate worth. my favorite thing in this talk was, let people leave. Let people not like you. That reframing helps me take my power back. I’ve had three close friends vanish from my life since my husband died. And yes, it hurts. But now, when I say, let them leave, I feel empowered again.

Very validating! Thank you. 💛

Wow the entire 22 minutes resonated so deeply with me and the last 2 mins were extremely emotional in hearing the true realities of my 60 year life journey. Thank you for your work!