Narcissists Cannot Admit Weaknesses

If you are codependent, you struggle to hold onto your own voice. You have most likely been raised by those who emotionally neglected you as a child. Many adult children come from homes where they were seen and not heard. Often we are those who struggle with anxious attachment and tend to attract narcissistic partners and friends. When the going gets rough, codependents rarely end relationships. We tend to commit ourselves to fixing the relationship, even at the cost of ourselves.

As we heal from codependency, we learn to appreciate the power of emotional detachment and discernment. To achieve such objectivity, we learn to observe rather than absorb others, and especially those who are narcissistic. In this episode, Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach, codependency recovery and narcissistic abuse recovery expert, explains why asking a narcissist specific questions is key to detaching from enmeshed toxic relationship dynamics.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough, The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true, Authentic self. I'm Lisa A. Romano, Your host. As an award-winning author and certified life coach, I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind. I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self. My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening. In this podcast, I'll share insights, Tools, And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery. I put together a list of questions to help really crystallize what it is that narcissists would have a difficult time answering honestly. And so I made a list, So I want to share that with you. So the first question is, What are your greatest weaknesses? So what are you struggling with? So when it comes to a narcissist, Narcissists pretty much believe that they're handling things pretty well because they lack self-awareness and self-reflection. Even though they're aware of self, When I mean self-awareness, The ability to observe the way we act or the person that we are, We act in time and space, How we respond to other people, Where we have the ability to be objective and to detach from our behavior. And in that space, We're free to change our behavior. So narcissists don't do that. They're very primal. So their emotions are activated and they look to blame, To guilt, To shame, To retaliate against whoever their target is. So there's this primal egoic response or emotion, And then there's this egoic response, A lot of reactivity. And so they're not going to, In most cases, Be able to tell you what their weaknesses are because in their head, They're pretty awesome. The next question is, How do you handle failure? Now to a narcissist, It's win, Win, Win, Win, Win. So it's either win, Annihilate you, Step on the head of everybody else in the office to get what they want. It could be to have an affair and get away with it, Win, Win, Win, Convince the spouse that they're crazy, Win, Win, Win, Win, Win. Or it could be on the covert side of the equation, It could be to win in the sense that they're getting you to take care of them. So in terms of handling a failure, When you're talking to a narcissist, There's no ability to really consider that they've failed because in their head, It's win, Win, Win, Win, Win. So failure is not an option. So they wouldn't be able to answer that question honestly. What do you think you need to work on? If you're talking to someone who is self-reflective, Who is humble, And who understands that they're not perfect, There's this general ability to acknowledge when you've done something wrong and to know that you're a work in progress. And if you're a healthy person, This doesn't freak you out, But this idea that a narcissist has qualities that they need to work on is foreign to them because they think they're pretty awesome. They think everyone else has the problem. Another question, Do you work well with people? So a narcissist will think, Yeah, Sure, I work well with people, Even though they honestly don't. In all reality, They don't work well with people. Why? Because they're about dominance. They're about power. They're about control. They're about manipulation. They're about deception. They're about getting away with things and feeling really, Really good in their skin about being able to deceive other people and get away with something. So a narcissist will answer the question, Sure, I get along with people, But if you are an observer, If you know this person, You'll know that that's absolutely dishonest and it's not true. Next question, How would those who knew you describe you? So if you're a narcissist, You might think everybody loves me. Everyone thinks I'm funny. Everybody thinks I'm the life of the party. Everyone thinks I'm awesome. Everyone thinks I'm the kindest person in the world. And meanwhile, Family and friends are like, What's she smoking? You know, Like what? What is this person thinking? Like the kids don't talk to them. They're on their seventh marriage, Right? They can't hold down a job. You know, People really don't like them. If they've maintained any type of success in the work field, People don't want to be around them unless they're narcissists, Right? And they're benefiting from being around this major narcissist. So but the people that are more healthy and who are responding appropriately to the actions, The attitudes, And the poor behavior of a narcissist, They will have a completely different mindset or perception of the narcissist. The next question, What kinds of people do you admire? Now, This will trip a narcissist up because narcissists are at the top of the food chain. In other words, Like, What do you mean? People admire me. I don't admire people. People are admiring me. So they might make up an answer or they might come up with some, You know, Frivolous response to you because they know that you expect an answer. But they will struggle a little bit because in their head, They're at the top. They're worried about people who are admiring them. And in their head, In the fantasy that they hold about themselves, Everyone admires them. You know, Narcissists oftentimes are not as attractive as they think they are. They are not as intelligent as they think they are. They are not as capable as they think they are. It's a fantasy. And this fantasy protects them from feeling vulnerable. So when you ask a narcissist, Who do you admire, Oftentimes, Depending on the level of narcissism, They will make up some name. But in reality, They may think that they're better than that person, Or they might be angry that this person is enjoying a certain level of notoriety, And they haven't yet. So they're always going to feel like, That should have been me. Like the world doesn't know how amazing I am. And they get frustrated when they don't feel like they're getting the accolades that they deserve and desire. And if you sit back, If you observe a narcissist long enough, You'll hear this language that they're angry that someone else is experiencing success and they aren't. So even though they might tell you, Yeah, I admire this one, You know, There is a very high likelihood that in the mind of a narcissist is some anger and resentment and frustration that other people don't see them like this other person, Or that this other person has the notoriety that they themselves believe that they deserve. Another question, What is the worst thing you've ever gotten away with? Now, Narcissists might come up with some frivolous thing. Oh, You know, I stole a bar of candy when I was seven years old and I got away with it. And that's the worst thing I've ever done. A narcissist will not answer this question, Honestly, For a number of reasons. Lots of times narcissists don't think they're doing anything wrong. If they're cheating on their spouse, If they're abusing their children, If they're hurting people at work, You know, If they're just really difficult to be around, They rage at people, They criticize people, They put people down, They minimize people, They're discarding people. You know, That's all par for the course. They're not really acknowledging that this is a bad thing to do because you deserve to be treated this way. So their mind won't register, Oh, I shouldn't have done that. And so the answer that you'll get is going to be frivolous. And so they cannot answer this question, Honestly. And if they do have any level of ability, Any ability to recognize what they've done wrong, They're not going to admit it. And so they will dance around certain ideas. They will make things up and they will not give you the correct answer because the things that a narcissist does are absolutely horrendous. Lie to people, Steal from people, Cheat on people, Minimize gaslight people. There's no accountability. And so for me to answer this question, Honestly, I have to have the ability to be objective. I have to have the ability to have self-awareness. I have to be humble enough to recognize that my actions have actually harmed someone. So I need the self-awareness to actually acknowledge that so I can be accountable. And so that's not a question a narcissist will be able to answer honestly. The next question, What situations have you gone through that have taught you about the gift of humility? Now this is where a narcissist's brain will malfunction because narcissists are not humble. If they were humble, They wouldn't be narcissists. Now to be humble, You need to have some level of guilt and guilt is something that is an emotion that we experience because of something that we've done and we recognize it goes against our moral code. And so if you're someone who feels guilty for yelling at your children or guilty for flirting with the guy at work, Guilty for saying something to someone you never should have, This is an emotion that will help you curb your behavior in the future. What do you think you need forgiveness for is another question again. So in order to imagine that you need forgiveness is to say, I know that I have hurt someone. I know that I have done someone wrong. I know that my actions have caused another human being pain and I feel terrible about that. I'm having a visceral somatic experience tied to this idea that my actions hurt another person. So this idea that a narcissist would need forgiveness from anyone is, Is just, It's bogus in their mind. I don't need to be forgiven for anything because I've never done anything wrong. If a narcissist humiliates another person or is angry and rages at another person, The thinking is, Yeah, But she did this. Yeah, But he said that. Yeah, But, Yeah, But, Yeah, But it's never, I responded this way. I had this visceral reaction. This is my trigger and I need to work on it and I need to understand what I need to understand. So I get out of this loop. And if you have someone in your experience that aggravates you, Irritates you, Enrages you, You have to ask yourself whether or not you should keep that person in your life. The last question a narcissist will not be able to answer honestly is why did you get fired? There's always going to be an excuse because there's a lack of accountability. There's a lack of self responsibility. There's a lack of the ability to be self-observing. There's very little remorse for what a narcissist does. And without the ability to be self-reflective and honest with oneself, It is impossible to be honest with others. Now I'm going to see everybody as I bow to the love and the light that is absolutely in you. And when you're out and about, Don't forget to think. A narcissist doesn't want you to think. A narcissist wants you to react. Stay out of the mud.

Reviews

My mother is a narcissist. I have had to cut ties with her for my own anxiety issues, health issues and peace. It was difficult and a grieving process. Now I feel so much better and now have control over my own life. This talk is spot on! Thank you 🙏