Loving Emotionally Unavailable Men

Women who love men they can't have are those who attract and are attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Emotionally unavailable men, spouses, and boyfriends often mirror the relationships women have had with the male role models in their lives. In some cases, women who have suffered emotional neglect from a mother can also find themselves settling for emotionally unavailable partners.

Women who lack a healthy sense of self, and who have been conditioned to feel as if they need to prove themselves worthy of love, generally do not attract high-quality men. We are women who settle for breadcrumbs, beg for approval, and are often codependent and emotionally dependent.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

Today,

We're going to be talking about why so many women still attract unavailable men.

If you are someone who continually attracts unavailable men into your life,

It's time to hit the pause button and have a serious talk with yourself and start investigating the patterns in your life,

Because patterns are what dictates the nature of reality.

When an apple falls to the ground,

You don't get a banana,

Thank goodness.

So this is the way nature is able to maintain order in what could be a very chaotic experience.

So you want to wrap your mind around this idea that patterns are where it's at,

That whatever's happening in my adult life,

Whatever's happening in my adult relationships,

If I see a pervasive pattern,

Then chances are something is up with me.

There's a reason why this pattern continues to happen.

I can speak on behalf of my own experience that from the time I started dating as a little girl when I was 15,

I attracted unavailable people,

Unavailable boyfriends,

An unavailable husband,

Someone who I sought approval from,

Someone who I had a fantasy around,

All I have to do is love him and put him first,

Make him the center of my universe,

Then everything's going to work out.

I literally had that thought when I was on the altar.

I just thought like,

I'll just love him and that will be enough.

And it's just not enough.

There's so many other factors that go into having a relationship work.

And when we are wounded oftentimes from childhood,

When we have had emotionally unavailable fathers,

Perhaps they were narcissistic or they were workaholics or they were just withdrawn,

They were aloof,

They were somebody who was addicted,

Somebody who was all about emotionally oppressing you where they had to maintain the emotional control in the home,

That experience makes you feel emotionally invisible.

And when you grow up feeling emotionally invisible as a child,

Well,

There is a psychological,

Spiritual,

Emotional,

Mental consequence.

And that is that you don't know how to connect to your authentic feelings anymore.

So being cut off from somebody from their emotions,

So dad or mom not being emotionally available to you sort of causes you to not now know how to connect to your own authentic self.

Now,

That's not your fault.

You're an innocent human being.

You could be 70 years old and listening to this message and think,

Well,

That sounds like me.

I've never had an emotionally available person in my life,

Whether it's a partner or a friend.

How could that be?

How could I be 70 years old and never have known what it felt like to be emotionally seen by another person?

It all goes back to childhood,

Or I should say lots of the times it goes back to childhood because you literally don't have the data and the wiring and the programming for that type of a relationship.

So you can't attract what you have no experience of.

You can only attract what is familiar to you because that's what attraction is.

Attraction is familiarity.

Oh,

That feels familiar.

It's resonance.

What happens to us,

I think,

As human beings is that when I feel attraction or resonance towards a criminal,

Let's say,

And I don't know this person's a criminal,

Has a criminal history,

Or is a very problematic person,

Or is highly narcissistic,

I don't know that when I'm standing next to him at 7-Eleven.

I'm just like,

He is fun,

He is cute,

He just winked at me,

And I'm feeling,

Ooh,

All a flutter.

It's an emotional familiarity.

It's a resonance,

Especially if my father was a criminal,

Especially if my father was highly narcissistic,

Especially if the energy that this person is giving off is very similar to what I experienced as a child.

Now my brain will feel this resonance.

I will feel this somatic experience of feeling this attraction,

And my mind will go to work and say,

Oh,

I have such a connection to this person.

Not every connection in the world with another human being is a good one.

Many connections that we have with unavailable men are because the connection is familiar.

It reminds us of the father who abandoned us when we were 12,

Or when we were two,

Or the father that was never in our life,

Or the father that promised to be there,

Or the father that was there,

But wasn't really there.

So if you're a female and you keep attracting unavailable men,

What I really want you to do is just hit the pause button and start looking back into your history.

What is it that you have experienced with other men in your life,

With other men who were important to you,

Whether it was your father,

Or it was a stepfather,

Or a series of stepfathers,

Or a series of men that were in your mother's life,

Your grandfather,

Your uncles,

What was your experience with men?

Did you feel seen,

Or did you feel emotionally neglected?

Did you feel like you had to walk around on eggshells?

Did you feel like you were not good enough?

Did you feel like you had to edit yourself,

You had to prove yourself in order to get this person's approval?

Now this gets really complicated if you came from an alcoholic home,

A narcissistic home,

An abusive home,

Or a neglectful home,

Because you have been conditioned to think a certain way and you don't even know it.

It's really difficult and everybody should just,

Like I said,

Hit the pause button,

Take a big sigh,

And give yourself a break.

It is so difficult to be a human because we are born asleep,

But we don't know it.

We forget who and what we really are.

We forget where we came from.

We go through life now as innocent creatures.

We are programmed from the outside.

If we were born into a sick family system,

We don't know that.

We just become part of the system.

We become indoctrinated to the system.

We energetically have to resonate and acclimate to this dysfunctional system,

Otherwise we won't survive.

We're being downloaded to acclimate to dysfunction.

We're being acclimated to toxicity.

We're adjusting through the survival mechanism of the brain and the mind that work in tandem to adjust to this chaos,

And it's not our fault.

We grow up unaware that we're unaware.

Then we have this subconscious childhood programming.

Then we have an amygdala and a hippocampus that are reacting to triggers.

We have the reticular activating system in the brain.

Now we have a confirmation bias,

And so now our mind is only paying attention to the things that we are afraid of.

We're not paying attention to the things that we want.

We don't feel psychologically,

Emotionally,

Our perception of self.

We don't even feel worthy of the things that we want.

It is so difficult to be a human being,

Especially if you're someone who's come from dysfunction,

Especially if you're someone who never felt loved,

Because your programming is off.

Your psychological schema of self is off.

You don't have a healthy sense of self.

It's sort of like the compass that you have been born with has been broken,

And you're constantly looking for your nought star,

Your happiness,

But you can't find it,

And that is not your fault.

So what do you keep attracting?

You can only attract the familiar.

The goal really is to keep breaking through.

Break through what?

Break through these layers of dysfunctional thinking.

Break through these layers of lies.

Get to a point where you are able to stabilize your awareness enough,

Where you have objectivity,

Where you are milking the level of the silent observer within you so that you can look down at your childhood patterns and say,

Oh,

That's why my mind thought that thing.

Why is it so important?

Because without that awareness,

You can't fix it.

You can't fix a hole in the wall that you can't see.

Without being able to feel your feelings,

Without being able to come back to your authentic being able to shift your awareness and shift your state of consciousness,

Dear one,

You're going to do what you've always done.

My mom died below the veil of consciousness.

My father died below the veil of consciousness.

They never escaped this matrix.

I had two uncles that were alcoholics,

Never escaped this matrix.

They stopped drinking,

But they never escaped the dysfunctional thought processes,

The beliefs.

They still lived in fear.

They were still hypervigilant.

They were still very distrusting.

And neither one of them were able to really attract the type of life that they really wanted.

I consider myself extremely fortunate,

But I also know that I did what my family members weren't willing to do.

I went into myself.

I went into my inner thoughts.

And no matter how many deep,

Dark nights of the ego that I had,

I woke up the next day and I was determined to change my thoughts.

And it took quite a while,

But I'm here,

Right?

I've changed my life.

I've escaped that dysfunctional matrix.

I was able to manifest an incredibly emotionally available man.

My husband,

Anthony,

Has tremendous empathy.

It's one of the most important qualities that he has,

And I love him for it.

And so this is for women and even men,

If you have attracted emotionally unavailable partners and people into your life,

And you resonate with this idea that,

Well,

You never felt seen.

You never felt love from the outside.

You never felt understood.

Please know that that's not your fault,

That you're really operating from a dysfunctional pattern and program,

And that there is a better way.

You can escape this mind matrix.

You can escape and heal from codependency and change your life.

You can develop a healthy sense of self.

You can remember who and what you truly are.

You can be able to learn.

You can learn that you are enough,

And you can create a new jumping and starting off place.

But I'm here to tell you,

If you've listened to any of my work for any length of time,

This is not easy work.

It is like you are becoming a mental and emotional ninja.

This is mental science.

This is becoming a master of consciousness.

We talk a lot about healing and healing and healing.

We have to heal,

Absolutely,

But healing is an elevation of consciousness.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Well,

That was me for a very long time.

When I really looked at it,

What shifted in my life was consciousness.

Shifting my consciousness was the path to healing.

I hope this inspires you.

I hope that it helps you see a pattern that maybe you never saw before.

Perhaps it even helps open a doorway for where you can begin flowing your new energy towards elevating your consciousness,

Becoming aware of the patterns that are keeping you stuck,

And developing the wherewithal to stay committed to this conscious evolutionary journey.

When you change the way you look at yourself,

That changes everything.

Before I awakened,

I saw myself as a grasshopper,

And everybody else saw me as a grasshopper,

Including my ex-husband.

But when I started to realize,

Wait a minute,

I know why I attracted you.

You are my mother,

And I am no longer under her spell.

I'm enough.

I don't need to seek her validation.

She always should have had empathy for me.

She always should have nurtured me,

But she didn't,

And that's why I'm now seeking to be nurtured by you,

But you're not my mother,

And that's not your role in my life.

I can mother myself.

I can love my own inner child.

I can heal and resurrect myself because the power to do so is within me.

What I have to do is stop thinking that someone else is my God.

I have to stop looking for validation,

Or acceptance,

Or permission to be myself outside of me.

And that really was the early days of my journey,

But it's led me to a beautiful place where I've completely reinvented myself.

And I'm not some special person.

I think I figured something out,

And I just never gave up.

And part of my mission now is to spread that message.

So I so hope that the feelings and intentions that are on my heart have reached yours.

Dear one,

You are enough.

As I bow to the love and light that is absolutely in you.

Bye for now.

Until next time.

Reviews

Thank you.

Thank you Lisa for your wisdom and devotion to this topic. 💜🦋💫

Lisa, I’ve been listening to you for years, you have helped me beyond words. I started awakening and after several years, ended a 26 year marriage to a Narcissist.

It’s been 3 years now, I’ve met an incredible, kind, loving, empathetic and emotionally healthy man. Occasionally, still, I struggle to understand his compassion and kindness, yet I am aware and able to work through that.

This talk resonated with me so deeply, just when I thought I learned everything, you show us something more to look at and to be aware of.

I am incredibly grateful for you, your truth and your wisdom. Thank you for helping me, for so many of us, get to this space, Namaste 🙏🏻 💕