Can A Narcissist Change?

In this episode, Lisa discusses what it would take for someone with high narcissistic traits to change. When considering narcissism, it helps to consider resistance. To spiritually evolve, is to consciously and emotionally evolve as well. To evolve spiritually a narcissist would need to be self-reflective and able to take in information that included other's emotions and needs. Here lies the problem with those with narcissistic traits.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about the four agreements and narcissism.

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So I often receive emails and Instagram messages from people who ask me,

Lisa,

How can I help a narcissist?

How can I help my narcissistic spouse?

How can I help my narcissistic child?

And it always makes me ponder,

Like,

How do you answer a question like that?

And how do you make it possible to help someone who has narcissism when the average person who has narcissism or who has high narcissistic traits doesn't think that they do or doesn't think that their arrogance is a problem or who thinks that their level of arrogance actually is self-confidence and or self-esteem?

So how do you fix the hole in the wall that someone doesn't see?

You can't.

How do you help someone who has narcissistic personality disorder,

Whose mind is fractured in a sense,

And who refuses to see that they have this personality disorder,

Which would mean that they would have to accept that they have vulnerabilities,

That they have shame,

That they need to work on things,

That the world really isn't out to get them,

That their actions have consequences,

And that their behaviors actually matter,

And that they are projecting their victimhood onto other people?

How do you help someone who really has this mindset shift?

So it's not easy.

So helping a narcissist would imply that the narcissist accepts they're a narcissist,

Accepts that they need help,

Accepts that they need to have a complete mindset shift,

Accepts that there's stuff that they have to work on,

Accepts that they need to be held accountable and they have to hold themselves accountable,

And accepts that they need to change.

How do you help someone?

How do you help someone who's been indoctrinated to think that they are superior to other people?

How do you help someone who has been indoctrinated or patterned or programmed for however it happened,

Whether they came from a family where they were taught that they were entitled,

They have a right to preferential treatment?

How do you take this person who is stepping on the heads of other people,

Who is squashing the lies of other people with very little empathy?

How do you take this person who has been programmed and who is wired really chemically,

Neurologically and biologically wired now to think this is the way to be?

How do you help this person turn that around?

How do you help someone who has been so traumatized in their past through various forms of severe neglect,

Severe abuse,

And what have you,

Who has now decided the world is an unsafe place,

It's a hostile place,

And through repetition throughout their lifetime,

They have experienced this over and over and over,

This idea that the world is a hostile place?

How do you get this person to understand that the perception that they hold within themselves is right now projecting this experience or this perception of the world out into the matrix and is creating this narcissistic personality disorder?

It's like asking a mirror to look inside itself.

Not so easy to do.

Those of us who are able to accomplish this amazing task,

This amazing cognitive task,

It's like mentally and emotionally trying to climb Mount Everest to get to the top.

Who am I?

Why do I do what I do?

Why am I here?

What is the reason for me?

What's my purpose?

What's my soul's journey?

To get to a point where ego dissolves and there is no more separation between me and the universe or me and other people,

That really is the ultimate goal,

To realize that my house is my body for my soul and in time I shall transition out of the body and be pushed out of this body and I will be completely merged with energy.

To think that my body is mostly space and not matter.

To come out of the illusion of the 3D or out of the illusion of the personality and to come to a point in your life where you realize that ego defense mechanisms are unnecessary when you reach a certain level of enlightenment or you are on this spiritual path and you're evolving and you're able to deal with the trauma of the past in an effective way and transcend it,

How do you get someone who is neurologically and chemically wired to buck that reality and to stay stuck?

How do you really help them?

Whenever I get questions like this,

I always feel like my heartstrings are being tugged on and I really do want to help the mom of a narcissistic child,

Adult child by the way.

I really want to help the spouse of a woman or a man who has children and my spouse is narcissistic and I see these traits,

This lack of empathy for the kids,

The sense of entitlement,

This blame shifting,

This stonewalling,

The alcoholism,

This addiction that's happening.

I think they're depressed and now I see levels of narcissism.

How do I help this person?

It's not easy to help someone who doesn't think that they need help and who believes that what's really wrong is happening outside of them.

Now if you stay on this spiritual path long enough,

You end up realizing that everything that is happening,

It looks like it's happening in the 3D,

It's actually happening inside our own minds.

We take everything in and we ruminate and we see it inside of our mind's eye and we develop this storyline.

We're a character in this story and we're the main character and we forget and we're not taught.

It's really not our fault because if I don't teach my child how to tie their shoes,

Then it's not their fault that they don't know how to tie their shoes.

They could always learn how to tie their shoes,

But it really is my responsibility to teach my children how to tie their shoes so that they could walk down the street without tripping and even run from a forest fire,

Let's say,

Or a saber-toothed tiger or some type of threat if they have to.

So we're not taught in society how to.

.

.

I don't think we're taught in society how to think correctly,

How to perceive correctly.

We're born and we're indoctrinated.

As I like to say,

We're programmed.

And what?

We're programmed to believe what our parents believe.

We're programmed to believe what our religions believe.

We're programmed to believe what our cultures believe.

We wear the clothes of our culture.

And then we see someone who dresses differently from us and we think,

Wow,

They're weird.

No,

They're not.

They've just been programmed to think that that garb is appropriate for their culture.

So you're actually the weird one to them.

So it's all about perception and deeper,

It's all about programming.

And so to heal someone of narcissism or to help a friend who is highly narcissistic,

You would have to be able to get to that level of understanding.

You would have to be able to get to that level of self-awareness,

That desire to go that deep into my mind to understand this idea of programming,

To understand this idea of projection,

To understand the reality of consciousness or what is consciousness.

This idea that I take a story and I can become addicted to a feeling.

I can become addicted to a thought process.

And below the veil of consciousness,

I am projecting everything that I feel poof out into the matrix.

So like many of us,

We know the work of Don Miguel and we have run across the four agreements.

If you haven't,

I do suggest that you check it out.

He's a genius.

He was actually a surgeon who decided that there was a lot more to healing people than just sewing them up and doing surgery.

He realized that a lot of the people's problems or most problems that people have start in the mind.

And that is not our fault because the mind is subject to programming.

Our minds are shaped by our environment.

So if you don't like the way your mind thinks,

Then it's time for you to get inside yourself and think about who and what has affected the shape of your mind.

Who and what have you had to deal with and interface with before the age of seven?

What experiences have you had that have shaped the way you think about the world?

Is your view of the world hostile or is your view of the world pleasant?

Is your view of the world abrasive or is your view of the world safe and abundant and joyous?

Now my work all hinges on the possibility and the potential of having people who have grown up in dysfunctional homes recognize that they can live in any reality that they want.

Hard to believe when you have narcissistic parents.

Hard to believe when you've come from ridiculous traumatic backgrounds.

Really hard to believe.

But the potential exists.

I get it,

But we also have to understand that our beliefs are shaped by our environment.

So that means beliefs can shift.

That means that beliefs are moldable,

They're malleable.

Does it take time to shift a belief?

Absolutely.

I've done it.

I continue to do it.

That's why I create the programs that I create like the 12 Week Breakthrough Coaching Program,

The Boundary Building Workshop.

It's a 60 page workbook with journaling prompts.

It's all about teaching people how to dive deep,

How to figure out where they fit in the quantum field and giving them the best advantage on how to shift their perception inside so that they can shift their perception outside.

It's really fascinating.

If you study quantum mechanics and quantum physics and the subatomic world,

You study DNA,

You study so-called junk DNA,

There is no such thing as junk DNA at all.

The DNA that holds our potential has not yet been activated in a human being,

But the potential is there.

It's almost like our DNA has all of these warehouses of possibilities and we haven't figured out how to open up those doors and turn those beautiful potentials on.

Why?

Because so many of us are stuck in the ectoplasm of the 3D.

Narcissists are stuck in the ectoplasm of 3D.

In a minute,

I'm going to explain how we participate in that stuckness and what we can do about it.

I'm going to use the four agreements to help explain these ideas about how you can help a narcissist and how you can free yourself and start believing in this potential that you have.

You absolutely have this potential and what you can do about it.

Very fascinating stuff.

To turn DNA on and to turn the potential on,

You have to be at a pretty high frequency because everything is energy.

We know that sound and frequencies help turn on specific DNA.

When we are stuck in fear,

It's a very low vibration.

If you're involved in a narcissistic relationship,

You're in fear.

If you grew up with narcissistic parents,

You might still be living in survival.

If you struggle with abandonment,

You might be clinging to that story,

Everyone abandons me.

I can trust no one.

This is why I'm alone.

This is why I have no friends.

This is why I can't do what I want to do.

This is why I'm depressed.

You can become addicted to a storyline.

And unfortunately,

The more you rehearse a story,

The realer it becomes.

Not that it's not true,

Not that you haven't experienced abandonment.

I'm just talking about the potential we have in spite of being abandoned when we become bigger than our abandonment.

And so to help a narcissist,

For instance,

A narcissist would need their mindset and their desire would have to become greater than what they've experienced,

Greater than their narcissism.

They'd have to be able to trump their personality.

They'd have to be able to make a quantum leap into the spiritual realm or a quantum cognitive level where they could get outside their construct of self.

They'd have to be able to crash the mask to the ground,

The false mask.

The desire to crash the mask and to become their potential would have to be greater than the need to dominate,

The need to control,

The need to be grandiose,

The need to put other people down,

The need to play the victim,

The need to justify why the world is out to get them,

The need to cling to a narrative,

The need to cheat on people,

The need to hurt people,

The need to be condescending and passive aggressive.

The desire of the narcissist would have to trump the narcissism.

Quantum mechanics works in all spaces.

So if you think about physics,

You think about the law of gravity,

The law of motion,

Inertia,

An object in motion stays in motion until acted upon by a force.

We really have to,

If we're going to make quantum leaps in our relationships and in our life,

We have to start accepting that thought is matter,

That thought will eventually manifest as matter.

Don't believe me?

Look at the Empire State Building.

Don't believe me?

Look at any highway.

Don't believe me?

Look at the clothes that you're wearing.

Don't believe me?

Look at the office that you're in.

The car that you drive.

Look at a dollar bill.

Look at coins.

Look at a park.

Look at many manmade rivers or I'm sorry,

Manmade lakes,

If you will.

Everything was first a thought form that manifested in matter as matter.

If you think a thought long enough,

You experience that reality.

So thoughts dictate your reality.

Your perception dictates your reality.

So this is what racism is about,

Right?

People who have a certain perception about ethnicity and they have these perceptions and these illusions that they believe in.

And at the level of the brain,

The brain has to justify their racism.

That's the way it works.

That's why I don't argue with anybody because I understand that beliefs always went out over a will.

Beliefs are not always rational.

And when someone has a belief,

Their mind or their brain goes to work to rationalize their belief.

So if you think I'm a biatch,

Okay,

I'm not going to argue with you.

You have a perception of me.

It's based on something that's happening in your mind and you're entitled to your opinion.

And there is nothing that I can say that will change your opinion.

And if I wrestle with you,

I'm stuck in the mud too.

And as long as I don't allow my ego to get involved,

I'm free.

I'm free.

And so these are some of the things I'd like to discuss as we move forward,

Talking about Don Miguel's four agreements and how we can apply them to maybe helping a narcissist or us staying out of a narcissistic relationship or how we can escape the ectoplasm of the 3D and really make a quantum leap out of narcissistic relationships with narcissists.

So the first agreement that Don Miguel talks about is be impeccable with your word.

This is huge.

So what that means is that you have to understand that everyone believes their own story.

And if we are going to shift out of a narcissistic relationship,

That we have to be impeccable with our word.

So if we want to be respected,

We have to be impeccable with that word.

We have to be respectful and we have to expect to be respected and we have to be impeccable with our word.

So that means that if I set a boundary,

I must be impeccable with my word.

In terms of a narcissist or a narcissist to be able to trump a narcissistic personality disorder,

Narcissistic thoughts,

Narcissistic behavior,

A narcissist would have to be impeccable with their word,

Which is a huge task for someone who is very slippery,

For someone who likes to leave the window open.

What I mean by that is that when you're dealing with someone who has a narcissistic personality or who has high traits,

They don't mean what they say.

So you can't hold a narcissist to their word.

So a narcissist will say,

I love you and cheat on you.

A narcissist will say,

I love you and lie to you.

A narcissist will make you a promise for a year and break it.

A narcissist will tell you that they'll always be there for you,

But they won't.

A narcissist will tell you,

No,

I didn't do that,

But they did.

A narcissist needs to keep that window open so they can jump in and out of it when they need to.

So to be impeccable with your word would imply that you mean what you say and you want the other person to believe in you,

Which means that you have compassion and a serious amount of empathy for the other person.

It means that you have integrity.

It means that you don't want to disappoint the other person.

It means that you have the ability to hold yourself accountable.

So when you don't act very nicely,

You're able to own it.

You're able to say,

I'm sorry.

So being impeccable with your word means that you're able to self-reflect.

You're able to hold yourself accountable.

You're able to feel your conscience.

You're able to recognize,

And you want to.

You have a desire to recognize other people's realities of you.

If you care about someone and you respect this person,

You have a desire to have this person feel respected by you.

When you're dealing with a narcissist,

A narcissist can't hear you.

A narcissist has no desire to hear you.

Their desire to be seen as better than,

Their need to be the center of attention,

To be the person in control,

Trumps their desire to care about how you feel.

When you're dealing with a female narcissist,

You'll see jealousy.

You'll see envy in groups of friends.

You'll see one narcissistic female that absolutely wants to be able to call the shots.

They need to be the person that everyone goes to.

They're the person that makes all the decisions,

And they feel threatened when someone else in the group starts to get praised or accolades.

They feel threatened.

And so you'll see this,

Especially with women.

Men it's about power.

Lots of times,

I don't mean to generalize,

But this is what the statistics tell us,

That men it comes to money.

It comes to sexuality.

It comes to toys.

So that's where they'll judge themselves against another male.

So if they have more women,

If they have more toys,

If they have more money,

That's where their envy will show up.

Their desire to be seen better than and more grandiose will manifest in the corporate setting,

Or it'll manifest on the block where they live,

Where they have the most cars,

Or they have the best driveway,

Or whatever.

But with women,

It's about being the center of attention when we're talking about narcissistic traits.

Now,

To be impeccable with your word,

Someone who has narcissism would have to be able to overcome all of these traits in order to live with integrity,

In order to be able to take into account how someone else feels.

So if you want to help a narcissist,

One of the things that you want to be aware of is that in order for them to trump this narcissism,

This is someone who would have to have a desire to be impeccable with their word.

This is someone that would have to have a desire to make you feel seen.

This is a person who must understand the weight of their words,

That their words matter,

That what we say to people matters and how we say it.

And this person would have to be someone who had a conscience and who was able to self-reflect and be able to say they're sorry.

This is all about being impeccable with your word.

So generally,

We see that narcissists do not have the ability to say they're sorry.

They don't have the ability to hold themselves accountable.

And so no,

They are not impeccable with their word.

On the flip side of it,

If we are people who are in relationships with narcissists,

Then we must become impeccable with our word.

We must mean what we say and say what we mean.

So we have to live with integrity.

We have to be willing to set boundaries and we have to be able to follow through with what we say.

So if we want to be respected,

That has to start with us.

So if we're not being respected,

We can't talk out of both sides of our mouth.

We have to act on what we feel,

We have to act on our word,

And we have to respect ourselves if and when we realize that the people that are in our life are disrespecting and disregarding our boundaries.

The second agreement is don't take things personally.

Now,

Let's talk about the narcissist.

Narcissists take everything personally.

You are the secondary character in their life.

They are the primary character and you are the secondary character.

You will be given a role and they will project their ideas of people and the world onto you.

Essentially,

You will fit their narrative.

And so if they believe that you're untrustworthy,

Then they will project that onto you.

If they are afraid of being cheated on,

They will project that onto you.

If they have struggled with abandonment and they are afraid of being abandoned,

They will project that onto you.

If they have been humiliated in the past,

They will project that onto you.

If they need to feel,

And they all do,

They need to feel in control when they feel like they're being emotionally dysregulated,

Then they will act out.

They will blame you for why they feel the way they feel.

They can be verbally abusive and,

Or worse,

Emotionally abusive.

They can gaslight you,

Triangulate you,

Stonewall you,

And even worse,

Depending on what type of narcissist you're dealing with.

And it will all be your fault.

So they are taking everything personally.

You say,

They ask you,

For instance,

Did you like the soup?

And you say,

Oh,

It was a little bit salty.

They take that as a threat,

As an assault.

And you can be up till four o'clock in the morning apologizing for daring to answer the question,

How'd you like the soup?

So you saying,

Oh,

It was a little salty,

They take it absolutely personally,

Like an attack.

They'll ask you,

Are you a Democrat or you're a Republican or you're conservative,

Whatever.

And they'll take it personally.

They'll take your choices as personal attacks.

And so in order to live a spiritually free life,

We have to learn not to take things personally.

For a narcissist to heal,

They would have to be able to not take things personally.

They would have to learn to see other people as 3D autonomous human beings with a right to live their life as they see fit.

Now things exist because we say they do,

Because we take them into our reality.

And people will argue and say,

Yeah,

But that thing is happening.

And I say,

You're absolutely right.

That thing is happening.

But when you're talking about the quantum world,

When I ask you to close your eyes and when I ask you what would happen if you never became aware of that thing,

Would it exist?

Would it exist in your reality?

So then it begs the question,

Does it exist if it doesn't exist in your mind?

And so these are the types of questions that I like to ponder.

And these are the questions that I like to dive into when I'm thinking about how can we rid the world of narcissism?

How can we help people transcend narcissism?

This idea that I'm right and everyone else is wrong and I need to exist in the 3D ectoplasm of programming,

Indoctrination,

Brainwashing.

And I am so afraid in that world that I need to cover up my insecurities and I need to be dominant.

I need to dominate this 3D world and the people in it.

They're living a personality construct.

They believe that they need to live this way.

And so they do.

But what if they didn't have their childhood programming?

What if they were born to a different environment?

What if they were born to people who were highly evolved?

What if what happened to them in their life did not happen to them?

I love the work of epigenetics and Bruce Lipton in particular where he talks about taking cells and putting them into three different environments and how a single cell,

The same cell put into three different environments express themselves differently.

We used to think that genes were in control.

No they're not.

It's the environment that affects the gene.

So when we think about narcissists,

Is narcissism a gene?

Well,

Some people might say it's a personality trait,

But a particular environment had to exist in order to have this narcissistic gene express itself.

So what if a narcissist grew up in a different environment?

Would narcissism exist?

Would the reality of the narcissist exist in their mind?

Because remember,

Narcissists are projecting out into the 3D world.

So I think it's important that if we are going to heal at all from anything,

We have to learn not to take things personally.

We have to depersonalize events.

We have to see people as 3D autonomous human beings and we have to be impeccable with our word.

So that means if we want to be peace,

We have to,

If we want peace in our life,

We have to be peaceful.

We have to choose peace.

We can't talk out of both sides of our mouth anymore.

If our childhood story wounded us,

At some level,

We have to be willing to release that story and tell a different story.

It's not easy to do,

But it is possible because the field of potential exists within us.

And as we shift on the inside,

We affect matter.

And these are quantum laws that work universally for everyone.

There's a formula,

But we have to learn how to work the formula.

And so the third agreement is don't make assumptions.

So if you've ever been with a narcissist,

Your mind has probably been scrambled into scrambled eggs and mashed potatoes by the assumptions a narcissist makes about you,

About people,

About groups of people.

We've seen it in the political arena on both sides.

How when I try to try to walk the middle ground,

I try to not to be pulled by either side.

And I was really shocked by how one side was unable to see any value in the other side.

And it didn't depend on what side of the aisle you stood on.

There was just so much ego.

I'm right and you're wrong.

And in order to live a truly spiritual life,

We've got to be willing to dissolve ego and really be able to see other people as extensions of ourself in a holy way,

In a sacred way,

Full of grace,

Rather than I'm better than you.

You know,

And I'm right and you're wrong.

This ego thing,

This idea of separation is what's really destroying humanity.

We don't feel one with the earth,

So we just throw garbage out the window.

We don't feel one with the banks.

So if the teller gives us an extra 50 bucks,

We don't go back and we don't tell the teller.

We don't care about the teller.

We made out 50 bucks.

So that's a separation.

When we walk out of the grocery store and the cashier forgets to charge us for the water,

We don't care because there's separation between me and the grocery store.

But yet we're all connected and none of us escape that type of scarcity mindset.

And what energy we put out into the world is energy that will return to us because energy like into itself returns.

And so it's important that we begin to understand that the goal is to dissolve the veil.

The goal is to become more conscious of what is unconscious.

And the goal is ultimately to dissolve the veil between me and other people.

So I have to be willing to dissolve my ego.

I need to show up my true authentic self when dealing with my husband,

My true authentic self when dealing with my children,

Friends,

My clients,

People,

The world.

If I want to be the change or if I want to make a change,

I have to be the change.

And it's the same for everyone.

And so I can't take things personally.

So in order to help a narcissist,

A narcissist would have to not take things personally.

But remember a narcissist exists inside their own head,

Their own construct.

On our side of the equation,

If we're,

Let's say we're coming out of codependency and we're coming out of the illusion of the relationship being healthy and we're understanding it's not,

It's toxic and we're spiritually evolving and we're growing,

Then we don't take things personally.

I had a conversation with my daughter just this morning and I asked her,

Please don't take this person's actions personally.

This is her perception and leave it there.

Don't pick up the baton.

Let this person have their perception of you because it's happening in her head.

It's happening in the other person's mind.

So as long as you don't pick up the baton,

You don't burn your hand.

Leave it there.

Let this person to have their perception because everything's happening in the other person's mind.

Remember,

You're just a secondary fictional character in their reality.

So whatever they think about you,

They're going to project doesn't mean that it's real.

So what we have to do is we have to learn not to take things personally.

If you've ever dealt with a narcissist,

You have been accused of things that you're not guilty of.

They have made assumptions about your personality.

They have made assumptions about the words that you've chosen.

They have made assumptions about who you are based on what political party you follow.

They make assumptions about you based on your religion.

They make assumptions about the color of your hair.

What does that mean?

Why do you have blue hair?

Oh,

That means you're this,

That,

And the other thing.

A narcissist is always going to make stories about you because they're projecting their internal reality out upon you.

Remember you're a secondary character in their life.

They are the primary character and you become who they think you are.

So based on the story that they repeat over and over and over and over and over,

And this is true for everyone,

We all do this.

It just depends on how it manifests and consistently if these narcissistic traits are pervasive and if this person's life becomes unmanageable and if this person seeks treatment for the life being unmanageable,

That is when a psychiatrist or a psychologist may or may not diagnose them with NPD.

But all of us struggle with how the mind works and how the brain works and this idea that we're the main character in our life and everybody else is a secondary character in our life.

And we all give other people labels.

We all assume people are one way.

That's why a lot of us are completely side blinded when we're in a relationship with a narcissist and we've been love bombed and we've been seduced into thinking that this person does have empathy.

We've been seduced into thinking this is a good person.

This is a person of integrity.

And then after six,

Seven,

Eight,

Nine months,

The mask starts to slip and we stay in these relationships because we've made assumptions about this person's character.

And when we experience cognitive dissonance,

We struggle because we don't want to believe.

It's painful to believe that we were wrong.

We end up going into people pleasing to avoid being rejected and abandoned or being alone.

It's such a cobweb,

But there is a formula out of the codependent mindset and there is a formula out of a narcissistic relationship.

There is a formula out of these types of relationship dynamics,

Which is exciting.

And it's possible for all of us to escape them with the right information,

With the right knowledge and with the right mindset,

With the right tools and with the right formula.

And so when we're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

They're going to make assumptions about you.

And if you hang out with them long enough,

You'll hear them talking about groups of people that they're just made up an entire story about a group of people.

They'll tell themselves stories that fit the narrative of who they think you are.

And so if you have someone in your life that just doesn't like you,

You don't know why they don't like you,

They just don't like you.

And what you'll notice is that when you're in the company of someone who has high narcissism,

This person will say things about you that are not true.

And it's to your benefit not to take personally,

Obviously that's an agreement that Don Miguel talks about.

But what we also have to understand is that this person is making assumptions about you.

So in order for a narcissist to heal narcissism,

They would have to police their own mind to the degree that they were aware enough and willing enough to know when they were making assumptions,

To know when they were making stories up,

To know when their brain was backwards rationalizing,

To know when their brain was making up stories to complete the narrative or make the narrative true.

And so if I'm a narcissist and I think the world is out to get me,

If I'm a narcissist and I position myself as a victim,

Then I believe that narrative.

And so when I go to the cashier and the cashier gives me the wrong change,

I think she did it on purpose.

I create this whole story about how she's scamming Dunkin Donuts and how she's a thief and how her mother probably taught her how to steal.

And it goes on and on and on and on.

This poor kid,

This cashier at Dunkin Donuts simply made a human error,

But the error was turned into an entire narrative to match the assumption that the narcissist carries about the world.

The world is an unsafe place.

Everyone's out to get me.

I'm a victim.

They did it to me on purpose.

I can't believe they're doing this to me again.

Here we go.

It's all about me.

And so for us to stay out of that cobweb of narcissism,

For us to stay out of that narcissistic relationship,

Then we have to make sure that we're not making assumptions about the narcissist,

Which is not always easy because what happens is the natural ego defense mechanism,

When you get accused of something,

Is to defend yourself.

When you hear a narcissist making up a story to fit their narrative,

You can become incensed by this idea that they're making up the story and you might want to defend yourself.

And so that's why not taking things personally gives you that space where you're able to recognize what's happening,

Where you're able to say in your own mind,

This person completely made up a story that's not true.

This is anticipatory anxiety.

They have projected this reality into the future.

It's a reality that fits their projection of me and their narrative of me.

I worked this through a couple of years ago when I found myself in the middle of a smear campaign and it was really mind-bending.

I got accused of,

I would say,

Disgusting things,

Disgusting things.

And it hurt me to think that someone would think that of me,

But then I peeled myself back and I decided not to take it personally.

And from there,

I understood that there was a narrative running,

That I was a secondary character in someone else's play and I was being projected upon.

And that's when I said,

I'm not playing this game anymore.

I allow you to play out whatever narrative you need to play out.

It wasn't easy,

But it was freeing.

And understanding the four agreements today,

I understand the process that I use to not pick up the baton,

To not take that person,

Not to bring that person into my internal world and not to make that person a secondary character in my world,

Which would only have been a really maddening place.

And so learning to see people as 3D autonomous human beings,

Learning not to take things personally and understanding that the goal really is to dissolve ego,

To learn how to respond to people versus react to people,

Learn how to find the space between my thoughts so I'm able to recognize when someone is telling themselves a story about me or other people and it's completely fabricated because they're making assumptions about other people.

Narcissists don't realize that they judge themselves and then they judge other people.

And people who are non-narcissistic do the same thing.

So if I feel unworthy and I judge myself for feeling unworthy,

Then I project that onto the narcissist.

And I think that the narcissist treats on me because I'm unworthy,

Right?

And that will keep me stuck in a narcissistic relationship.

If a narcissist judges themselves or on some level is struggling with this cognitive dissonance or shame and they have this rage about their narcissistic injury,

Right?

And they are feeling judged on some level and shame on some level,

Then they project that out into the 3D world onto their sources of narcissistic supply.

You are the secondary character in the narcissist's life.

So we have to be careful because we all do that.

We all make assumptions about other people.

We all assume someone is judging us the way we judge ourselves.

And we will be judged based on the way that we judge other people.

It's a feedback system,

Right?

So we are not separate from the matrix.

That's why I always say that whatever energy you're giving off,

Regardless of why,

The universe is indifferent.

The rules work the same for everybody.

Some people think that's not fair.

I just think,

Well,

It is what it is.

Then my power is in surrendering to the laws that govern time and space.

And if I'm going to master the laws that govern time and space,

I have to obey them first,

Like it or not,

Right?

I can't be resistant to the reality of consciousness or the reality of reality.

I can't be resistant to it.

But I can come into alignment with it and do what I can to operate within those laws to change my life.

So the first three agreements really had to do with the level of the mind.

And that's why another thing that I always say is that healing from codependency,

Healing from a narcissistic relationship,

Healing from emotional neglect as a child,

Healing from various forms of emotional wounds,

It takes the attitude of an athlete.

My godson is an MMA fighter and he's only 19 years old and he's doing amazing in this field that he's in,

Right?

Regardless of how I feel about the field,

This is something that he enjoys and he's passionate about it and he's in it 100%,

Right?

He is so in it,

Like mind,

Body,

And soul.

He's doing whatever it's necessary to do,

Whatever he has to do to be a champion in this field,

In this aspect.

And I think it's amazing and I support him 100%.

And so what's really interesting about the fourth agreement is that it's about taking action.

The fourth agreement asks that we always do our best.

Now the first three agreements are about the level of the mind.

It's about coming into alignment like my godson with what I want and doing what I have to do and becoming an athlete and training and understanding what I'm doing wrong and am I taking things personally and am I judging people?

Am I making assumptions and really doing all this work at the level of the mind,

Which requires stillness,

Which in my opinion,

Meditation is the doorway to be able to actually experience the ability to take on this type of spiritual development work.

It doesn't happen like this.

It doesn't happen by watching a YouTube video.

It doesn't happen by reading one book.

Your brain has to be rewired.

You have to break the habit of you,

As Joe Dispenza says.

You have to understand epigenetics and the biology of belief,

Like Dr.

Bruce Lipton says.

You have to take this on as an athlete,

Like my godson takes on what he's doing,

The training that's involved.

You have to mind,

Body,

And soul completely immerse yourself into this new idea so you're able to change from the inside out.

Otherwise change is temporary.

You were wired a certain way and you were indoctrinated from a child.

You have to unlearn.

You have to relearn.

To me,

The amazing thing is you can.

The fourth agreement has to do with action in the 3D world,

And that is to always do your best.

In order for a narcissist to heal,

They would have to be impeccable with their word,

Not take things personally,

Not make assumptions,

And they would have to act in the 3D world the best that they can.

That means that when it comes to holding themselves accountable,

They would have to have that action in the 3D world.

The way I like to look at it is that we are entitled to everything that we're willing to work for.

We have to work for enlightenment.

We have to work for recovery.

It just doesn't happen.

The goal is to understand that the now is happening,

But it's always in flux.

Because the way our brain thinks,

We think that the now is sort of like a stagnant reality.

It's not.

Three seconds is already gone.

It's already gone.

It's like water over the wheel.

It's gone.

That's how quick time passes.

That's how quick each of us is coming to the end of our physical reality.

That's why time is such a gift,

And the present moment truly is a present.

And so in every moment,

Even if you're failing,

Do your best.

If you're still in a narcissistic relationship today,

Do your best.

If you're still codependent,

In this moment,

Just do your best.

If you're still struggling with an addiction,

Today,

Do your best.

If you're struggling with learning how to end even narcissistic traits in yourself,

Today,

Do your best.

If you discover that you have high narcissistic traits,

That you're struggling with an antisocial personality disorder,

And you realize that your environment had a lot to do with it,

Just for today,

Do your best.

Give it your best shot today.

Run through the agreements.

So be impeccable with your word.

Don't take things personally.

In this moment,

Don't make assumptions about other people.

That is you doing your best in the 3D world.

And if you can do that,

You avoid self-blame,

You avoid judgment,

You avoid criticizing yourself.

You are literally breaking apart the neurological patterns and pathways that have strung together your reality.

So neurons and energy,

Well,

Neurons are strung together,

Energy is passing along these.

Neurons,

The brain is making pictures.

The brain is making pictures.

The mind has pictures.

The brain creates a narrative.

The mind creates a narrative.

And suddenly,

We are experiencing everything that we're afraid of.

We are recreating our past and the now.

So remember that in order to break any pattern,

That you absolutely have to understand that time is always happening,

Right?

That the now is always moving.

And so in this now,

If you're doing your best,

You're taking that energy into the future,

You don't have to be perfect.

You don't have to get this right.

One of the things that I see in my coaching program around week four,

Week five,

People are asking,

Shouldn't I be further along the path by now?

And my life coaches and I always assure clients that you are exactly where you're supposed to be.

And if you're doing your best now,

That energy,

It's in flux.

You're creating a new reality.

You're breathing it into the next paradigm or the next level of the paradigm for you,

A layer of the paradigm for you.

So all you have to do moment to moment in the 3D world is to do your best wherever you are.

Wherever you are,

All you have to do is to do your best.

I really hope that this information has inspired you.

I hope that it has enlightened you.

And I hope that if anyone out there is struggling with maybe narcissistic traits themselves,

Or if someone's in a narcissistic relationship,

Or if you know someone who is a narcissist and you would like to help them,

Or if you know someone who is struggling with narcissism and they have shared with you that they think they're struggling with this disorder,

This personality disorder,

Maybe these ideas will empower you to be able to move in a direction that actually helps to create positive change.

Reviews

This was important to hear. May I reach out privately?

Enlightening

It's the accuracy for me! I'm taken aback with how much my relationship was described in detail. Thankful I was able to listen. Thank you, namaste 🙏🏽.

Lisa is an incredible teacher who can help navigate life with a narcissist in a healthy way.
Thank you.

Gracias 🙏🏼

Thank you! I’m in a relationship like this and it hurts! I give too much, and when I don’t it’s my fault. … I’m going to read more and listen to more of your things, Lisa. If I’m lucky I might direct her to a special therapist who deals with this. 🙏

Thank you ; I learn so much and appreciate the education and insights you share with us.
This lesson on the 4 Agreements and NPD was helpful.