6 Questions A Narcissist Cannot Answer With A Straight Face

In this podcast, you will learn about 6 questions a narcissist cannot answer with a straight face. As we navigate through life, we encounter different types of people. Some are kind, empathetic, and caring, while others are self-centered, manipulative, and narcissistic. Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance, lack empathy, and constantly need admiration and attention. The more you know and understand about narcissists, the greater your chances of avoiding a toxic relationship.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

Narcissism is described as a personality disorder characterized by a grandiose sense of self,

A grandiose sense of self-importance,

A lack of empathy,

And a constant need for admiration.

Narcissists often present a false mask to the world,

Projecting an image of confidence and superiority,

Hiding their insecurities and their vulnerabilities.

However,

There are six questions that a narcissist cannot answer.

And understanding why they can't answer them can shed light on the nature of this disorder,

So you can avoid them if you believe that you've bumped up against them.

So the first question that a narcissist cannot answer is,

Can you admit fault or take responsibility for your actions?

Now,

Narcissists have a deep-seated fear of being seen as weak or flawed.

So admitting fault or taking responsibility for the actions would shatter their false mask of perfection.

They may deflect blame onto others or deny any wrongdoing,

Even in the face of overwhelming evidence.

Have you ever experienced that?

Do you want to know?

I have.

The second question you can ask a narcissist that they will have trouble answering is,

Can you empathize with others?

Narcissists lack empathy,

Which means they cannot understand or relate to the feelings of others.

They may appear charming and charismatic,

But this is often a facade designed to manipulate and control others for their own benefit.

So they're not going to be able to answer when they've actually had empathy for others,

Although they might give you some nonsense answer and try to convince you that they have.

The third question that a narcissist cannot answer is,

Can you handle criticism or rejection?

So narcissists have,

Believe it or not,

A very fragile ego and cannot tolerate any criticism or rejection.

They may lash out in anger or become defensive when faced with even mild criticism,

As if it threatens their own sense of superiority.

The fourth question that a narcissist cannot answer is,

Can you be vulnerable or show weaknesses?

So narcissists are deeply insecure and fear being seen as weak or vulnerable.

So they may project an image of invincibility,

But this is often a cover for their own feelings of inadequacy,

Although you might not know it by the way that they're behaving.

The fifth question that a narcissist cannot answer is,

Can you maintain healthy relationships?

So narcissists often struggle to maintain healthy relationships because they view others as objects to be used for their own benefit.

They may manipulate or exploit others,

Leading to a cycle of broken relationships and even isolation because eventually people catch on to them and get sick of it.

The sixth question that a narcissist cannot answer is,

Can you change or seek help?

So narcissists are resistant to change and may refuse to seek help,

Even when their behavior is causing harm to themselves or others.

They may view therapy or counseling as a sign of weakness and be unwilling to confront their issues.

And so narcissists generally don't seek treatment also because they always think they're right.

Understanding these six questions that a narcissist cannot answer can shed light on the nature of this disorder.

Narcissists present a false mask to the world,

Projecting an image of confidence and superiority while hiding their insecurities and their vulnerabilities.

They are triggered deeply by these questions because they threaten their sense of superiority and challenge their false image of perfection.

When you understand that there are just certain questions that will absolutely trigger a narcissist and you set out to ask these questions,

Almost like interview style,

So can you admit a weakness?

So when was your last long-term healthy relationship?

Things like that.

What you're doing is you're letting the narcissist know that you expect them to answer a particular question a particular way.

And what I mean by that is that when you ask questions like that,

They're very deep and they're very intuitive,

If you will,

And they also allow the narcissist or the person that you're talking to to begin to understand that you're pretty clever,

That you're pretty emotionally intelligent,

And you're going to be looking for particular character traits in the relationship.

Now I don't suggest like meeting someone and on the first date you throw these questions at them,

But I do like keeping them in my back pocket.

I do like keeping them on call in case I ever bump into somebody.

And during a casual conversation,

You just bring up,

When was the last time you said you were sorry to someone?

That's just a casual question,

Right?

But asking someone that you have just met that you thought or you think is highly narcissistic,

That's a very intriguing question because narcissists do not apologize.

Why don't narcissists apologize?

Because narcissists think they're always right.

And that's really super scary when you really contemplate it because that means that whoever is dealing with a narcissist under any and all circumstances,

That person is always going to be viewed as wrong.

And people throw the word narcissist and narcissism around a lot,

Especially these days.

I mean,

Narcissism and gaslighting,

They were the two most Google searched words of last year,

Which is pretty amazing.

And I,

For one,

Being someone in this niche that coaches people who have been victims of narcissists and who struggle with codependency,

Which means that we struggle with setting boundaries with people who exploit our vulnerabilities.

And that's not to say that if you're in a relationship with someone who's highly narcissistic that you can't set boundaries or you shouldn't set boundaries or you shouldn't be responsible for how you show up.

You absolutely should because that's where all your power is,

Dear one.

It's in you.

But so oftentimes when we're dealing with highly narcissistic people and we are the type of people that run everything through a rational filter,

Meaning that I'm naturally going to presume that you think you're right and that you actually have a valid reason for your perception.

I'm not naturally going to think that narcissism is at play and you have a lack of empathy or you have your empathy impaired or that this idea that you could possibly be wrong has never crossed your mind.

I don't naturally think that when I meet someone.

And so when I'm talking to a narcissist or you're talking to a narcissist,

You are presuming in most cases that what comes out of this person's mouth,

There must be some sense of reasoning behind it.

And what a rational,

Reasonable person does is they take what's being said to them and they chew on it and they think about it.

They put themselves in the other person's shoes.

And it can be really confusing when you're dealing with a narcissist because what happens is when you go back to meet this person halfway,

Even if they say they're going to meet you halfway,

When it all comes out in the wash,

They don't.

They renege,

They lie,

They go back on their word.

They say,

I never said that,

You made that up,

Or I felt coerced,

Or I felt bullied into signing that document or agreeing to that.

And so they really renege.

Now,

A rational person,

Like I said,

If you don't know what you're dealing with,

Let's say it's a partner in your business,

Or let's say it's your spouse,

Or let's say it's someone that you're negotiating a contract with.

If you don't know that you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

This can go on for years where you're like,

Okay,

There must be a valid reason that this person said this and doesn't want to agree to that,

Even though he or she said they would.

I guess we'll go back to the drawing board.

So back to the drawing board you go.

And what you don't realize is that you're being strung along,

You're being pushed into a situation that is very uncomfortable for you,

Your boundaries are being violated,

But the person who has narcissistic traits,

Who is a high conflict personality,

And who may or may not be NPD,

But just may be a very high conflict person with high narcissistic traits,

Has no concept running around in their head that they're doing anything wrong.

I think it's really interesting that if you were to walk into a room and you just watched the way people interacted,

You can pick up on the people who really think well of themselves,

But to a narcissistic degree.

These are the people that exhibit entitlement.

These are the people that talk down to other people.

These are the people that are just too good for other people.

These are the people that are backstabbing other people.

And then you have people who are just like very kind,

Very empathetic,

Almost to a fault,

Hypervigilant,

Trying to make everybody happy,

Kind of like keeping quiet,

Trying to read the room and figure out how they can fit in,

Right?

So narcissist and codependent.

But what we're trying to do is find the middle ground,

Because we don't want to not have any narcissism,

Healthy narcissism.

We don't want to go through life without a sense of self,

Which is what a codependent person does.

Codependency implies that you lack a sense of self.

There is a loss of selfhood.

Why does a codependent person have a loss of selfhood?

Because as a child,

You weren't permitted to have your own feelings.

You weren't permitted to exhibit your own feelings.

You weren't permitted to express your own feelings,

Talk about your own feelings,

Acknowledge your own feelings.

You grew up knowing that in order to survive,

You had to suppress and repress your emotions to appease your caretakers.

You learned that by fawning and by people-pleasing,

By smiling at mommy when she was upset.

Maybe mommy smiled back.

Maybe when mommy was upset and you were hungry,

You pretended that you weren't hungry.

So these are the ways that,

Just simple ways that a future codependent child or a toddler that is a future codependent is interfacing with the world.

And in interfacing with the world that way,

When there is no one attuning themselves to the child,

Then the child develops a need to hide the self.

So there's this disconnect from their authentic self.

And the clients that I coach who struggle with codependency so oftentimes end up in narcissistic relationships.

Codependents generally have a high need to please people.

They have a high need for approval.

And narcissists love codependent people.

Narcissists love empaths,

Especially empaths that believe that they've incarnated on the world to heal people.

And codependents believe that they've incarnated on the world to fix people.

So narcissists love codependents.

They love empaths.

But I think that,

And I've seen it time and time again,

And I've seen it in my own life,

That when someone who has high empathy,

When someone who even has high codependency,

When they get it,

When the light goes on and they're like,

Oh,

Okay,

Okay,

I didn't have a healthy sense of self and that was exploited,

Then we have an opportunity to heal ourselves.

We have an opportunity to begin setting boundaries.

We have an opportunity to love ourselves.

We have an opportunity to show up as our authentic self.

And also what happens is as we go from people who lack a sense of self to people who are now caretaking for the self,

Like now my self matters.

I wake up and I ask myself,

What would I like to do today?

How do I feel?

And when I'm dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

I hit the pause button and I ask myself,

How do I feel about the way that I was just treated?

A lot of people don't do that.

They don't hit the pause button,

Especially when they're dealing with a narcissistic person who is a bully and who is distorting reality,

Who is blame shifting,

Who is projecting,

Who's laughing in your face because you want to have a serious conversation.

Someone who's gaslighting you,

Someone who's smearing your name,

Someone who's turning everybody that you know into a flying monkey.

When you're dealing with that type of a person,

Oftentimes your amygdala is so highly activated,

Cortisol is flowing through your body,

You feel under attack and you are.

It's an emotional attack.

Sometimes it's a financial attack.

Sometimes it's a character assassination attack.

Sometimes it's someone is trying to destroy your name to just about everybody that you know and so you are under attack.

So your amygdala and your limbic system,

They respond accordingly.

So the problem with that is that when you respond in a reactive way,

Even though it's valid and normal,

Dear ones,

Your prefrontal lobe gets knocked offline.

So you're not making adult decisions.

You feel more like a child that's been stuck in a cage and you're powerless now,

Very much like you did as a child.

So it's really important that we regulate ourselves,

That we work on acknowledging how we're responding to the people who we think might have high narcissistic traits.

This session was just to create six quick questions that you can put in your back pocket the next time you have a conversation with someone that you think might be highly narcissistic.

You might be surprised by the way that they respond to you.

I think most oftentimes when you ask someone who has high narcissistic traits,

They're so shocked by the question that you see like this,

I call it like the glossed over look.

They fade.

It's like their soul goes away.

It's almost like the question causes their soul to run away.

Like uh-oh,

You see me.

Uh-oh,

I've been found out.

And so you might get the cold look.

You might get someone who's very aggressive and says,

What are you asking me that question for?

What kind of question is that?

Or you might have someone who's so grandiose that they say something like,

I never say I'm sorry because I'm very rarely wrong.

Well,

Then you know that you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits.

So I hope that this session has been helpful.

I hope that you use it to your advantage.

I hope that if you are struggling with codependency,

If you are struggling with inner child issues,

If you are struggling with abandonment issues and you have an insecure attachment style and you tend to gravitate towards people with a false sense of security,

A false sense of confidence,

I want you to know that's a very dangerous tango.

I want you to know that it's super serious for you to start focusing on the self.

Because one of the hallmarks of being codependent is that we have this control fallacy.

It's actually a cognitive distortion in which we think that we can actually control people,

That we can love people enough to change them,

That we can put up with enough nonsense.

We can tolerate the intolerable to change them,

That if we change,

They'll change.

And these are all cognitive distortions that were created before we were seven years old,

When we were in a theta brainwave state,

When our brain was being subconsciously programmed for how to relate to other people.

And unfortunately,

We were being primed,

Most often is the case,

To attract people who mirror our parents' energy or a mix of the both.

But there is good news.

You can heal from codependency.

You can learn to identify the narcissists in your life.

You can learn to set boundaries.

You can learn about how to protect yourself before you even get too involved with a narcissist.

We have to be really honest with ourselves.

I know many women come through my coaching practice,

And they tell me that they fell in love with a charismatic narcissist.

He was somebody who seemed so grandiose.

He was somebody who seemed so confident.

He had a great job.

People all looked up to him.

And being with that person made them feel good.

So where is that sense of,

I feel good about myself,

Coming from?

It's coming from the outside.

And so oftentimes,

Codependent men and codependent women do this.

Now,

If that's something that you have fall prey to,

Then you've got work to do,

Because you have to learn to believe that you are enough.

You can't get your sense of,

I am enoughness,

From another person.

When you do that,

You're putting your sense of self,

You're putting your happiness,

You're putting your joy,

You're putting your future in the hands of someone who is flawed,

Who could cheat on you,

Who could discard you,

Who could get sick,

Who could run away,

Who could completely destroy your life.

So you want to make sure that if you identify as someone who does this,

Lives vicariously through someone,

Or falls in love with people because they seem so confident,

They seem so secure,

They have a great job,

They are so friendly,

Everybody loves them.

If they love me,

Then I'm good enough,

Then that is an aspect of codependency that not a lot of people talk about,

But we should.

Because I think many of us fall into that category and don't even realize that we're not showing up in relationships whole.

We aren't really taking accountability in stock of how we think of other people.

The halo effect,

When you meet someone and you find one nice thing about them,

And you assume everything's good about them.

The halo effect is very scary.

I know that I've had the halo effect.

It's a true thing that happens to us on a psychological level,

Where we assume that because people,

They donate money to charity,

That means that they're a charitable person.

No,

Not at all.

They might just want a big tax write-off,

Or they might've been trying to impress someone.

Doesn't mean that they're a charitable person.

But these are the assumptions that we make all the time without even checking our consciousness,

Not even checking the filter by which we made these assumptions.

I'm really into metacognition.

I'm into healing through consciousness,

Through self-compassion,

And through mindfulness.

Those are the three aspects of all of my coaching programs.

It's about radical self-awareness.

It's about radical self-truth.

It's about pulling the blinders off,

And let's get into the nitty-gritty of what is happening in front of me.

Because far too many of us are operating below the veil of consciousness.

We're codependent.

We're manifesting narcissistic relationships.

There's no space between our thoughts.

It's like our neurons are just jumping from one synapse to the next synapse without the pause.

So if I believe that,

If I am codependent,

I don't know it,

Then I have the train is running at the neurological level.

Until I learn to stop,

Until I learn to get real with myself,

Until I learn to hit the pause button,

Until I learn about codependency,

Until I learn about narcissism,

Until I do my inner child recovery work,

Then I'm going to continue to do what I've always done,

And it doesn't have to be that way.

I hope that this session has inspired you.

I hope that you are excited about being more able to think about the way that you think.

I hope that you get curious about metacognition.

I hope that you understand that it's not you,

It's just your programming.

And I hope that if a narcissist runs across your path,

You keep these six questions in your back pocket to help you figure out what exactly you're dealing with and who.

Namaste,

Everybody,

And until next time.

Reviews

Great information but whew, I thought I spoke fast!

Thank You, Thank You, Lisa!!
💚

Thank you Lisa. These questions are so helpful as one of my family members is going to approach my sister and ask questions… We may not be able to change another person and she may not be willing to look at whatever it is that is going on with her… However, if we do ask the questions, at least we understand , how we move forward and how we protect ourselves because I will tell you that my heart has been broken and hurt and so deceived so thank you very much and Namaste

This is so true
Thank you 🙏
I’m going to try very hard to incorporate this talk into my psyche
Namaste 🙏

One of Lisa’s best. Spot on and very useful.

Very informative. Thank you.

Thank you so much!