Helping Ourselves In Changing/ Challenging Dynamics

This is part 2 of Utilizing Anchors During Challenging/Changing Dynamics. We know that we experience empowerment when we have a choice. In order to have a choice, we have to slow down to connect with what we want to have a choice with! And then explore how we might engage in those choices.

In this recording, we build on what we've connected with in part 1, and move into connecting with some predictable: who we will be seeing, where we will be, challenges (and gifts) we might experience. We take our time naming these actual facts so that we can set ourselves up to experience what we desire from these events/scenarios. It would be good to have something to write on and allot yourself some time to explore as you listen to this recording, pushing pause when needed.

*note: this was made during the Dec holidays, where people might be in challenging/ changing dynamics, so you might hear holiday references, but this can be used to support yourself in a variety of settings and contexts.

Transcript

This is part two to the previous one I posted on the Insight Timer called Connecting with Anchors During the Holidays.

And at the end of that audio,

I talked about narratives,

How to connect to our own narratives,

How to have conversations with ourself to help ourselves in moments,

Stay connected to our nervous systems,

A regulated brain,

Just to ourself.

And so in this recording,

We're going to talk about how when we're in different dynamics,

We can have conversations with ourselves that are generative,

That are self-connected,

That help us stay anchored,

Even when we're in challenging or new dynamics.

And I'm particularly thinking about the holidays.

A lot of the work that I do with clients is how to use what we engage with in our sessions when we're in those challenging predicaments or with people that historically have have triggered us.

And of course,

We want to use a lot of discernment,

Whether we are in those situations to begin with.

So assuming we've done that work,

Assuming we have sussed out and journeyed through whether it is helpful for us to be in those predicaments,

We're going to assume that we've done that work,

We're going to assume for the sake of this audio that we have done that work and that it is safe enough and healthy enough to be in some tricky dynamics,

Or even in dynamics that we really enjoy in the holiday.

So we're going to purposely use imagination to do this.

And I'm going to make another assumption,

Which is that we've already listened to the number,

The first recording,

And that we're already regulated.

We've already done our grounding practices,

We've already connected to our anchors,

We've already connected to the actual factual.

So if you haven't done that already,

I'm going to invite you to pause this recording and go to either that recording or another short recording on Insight Timer where we really slow down to connect to the senses,

The senses live in this moment.

So we connect to the senses to bring our brains and nervous system into regulation,

Which helps us to have a very well placed or an efficient brain,

We could say,

A brain that's working optimally,

A nervous system that's available.

So we have,

Go ahead and do that if you haven't already.

And then we will be moving from a grounded somatic system.

Yeah,

So whether your anchor is something of breath,

Or something of sitting,

Or maybe a combination,

We're going to know that we can return to that anchor at any time,

Because we're going to be on purpose,

We're going to be going to imagination.

Imagination is,

Takes us a little bit away from this moment and into the mind on purpose.

So we want to stay grounded with what's here and now.

As we,

On purpose,

Dream into possibility using imagination.

So you've got your anchors here now,

And then I want you on purpose to dream into a scenario where you will likely find yourself this holiday.

Maybe it's a dinner with friends or a meal with friends.

Maybe it's a scenario with family.

Maybe it's traveling.

Maybe it's you by yourself.

And maybe,

Maybe you love that.

Maybe it's challenging.

So we can use this for any scenario,

Although we're probably going to pick one that's maybe we love,

But also is going to have maybe a little challenge.

And of course,

You can play this many times with different scenarios.

So I'm just going to invite you to imagine one.

So you know that scenario in your mind's eye well enough to reconstruct a scene.

Maybe you don't know it for sure.

So for example,

Maybe you don't know whose home you're going to be at,

Or what restaurant you're going to be at,

Or who all is going to be there.

But you know some components of that.

So in your mind's eye,

Connect to those components,

Whether they're people or familiarity of a place.

And as you're connecting to your actual factual in this moment,

I want you to connect to those familiar players or places or objects that you have in your mind's eye with the scenario.

So see the people that you know will be there.

And just in your mind's eye,

Say hello to them.

Oh,

Hello,

So-and-so.

I see.

Yes,

You're going to be at the scenario.

Hello,

So-and-so.

Yep,

You're going to be at the scenario.

We're in this moment.

We might have some feelings,

But we're going to invite ourselves to just actually factually acknowledge these are the players,

These are the people,

These are the variables that we're going to be likely to be in connection with at this event or scenario.

And in this moment,

Although we may not even like what we're going to come upon,

Or maybe we do,

Maybe we have feelings on either end,

A lot of excitement or some dread,

In this moment,

We're just kind of actually factually acknowledging,

Oh,

Yeah,

I'm going to be seeing Uncle Bob.

Yep,

I'm going to be seeing Sarah.

I'm going to be seeing da-da-da-da.

And we're just taking our time with that.

We're staying anchored with breath and sitting or however we're positioned with gravity,

However we're connecting with breath to predictables.

And we're just using imagination to say hello to the people that will most likely be there.

And just take your time.

You may need to pause this recording.

If you need more time,

I'm going to move on to the situation of objects that maybe you know the house you're going to be in.

And just,

Again,

Saying hello to the house,

Hello to the couch that you know is going to be there,

To the kitchen you know is going to be there,

To the backyard or the front yard that you know is going to be there.

Saying hello to the different rooms,

The bathrooms,

Maybe even the neighborhood.

Maybe even,

Hmm,

Some nearby stores,

Gas stations,

Maybe even a nearby park.

In a way,

We could think of this as doing little inventories.

Of predictables,

Predictable people,

Predictable places,

Predictable objects.

And this is something you're going to want to spend time with as well.

And so you can pause this recording to spend as much time as being really curious about what will likely be there.

And then we're going to move into a little inventory of maybe gifts and challenges.

What are some probable gifts and some probable challenges of the scenario?

So you knowing you,

Whether it's challenging or a gift,

What are some predictable things or some predictable responses?

What are some predictable sensations?

Some predictable feelings?

Sometimes we skip over this because we,

Well,

We just want the situation to go really well.

So we just kind of go in blind.

Sometimes we have a history of challenge and we go in with that.

So in this practice,

We're just slowing down to be real with ourself.

And we don't always like the realness of being real with ourself.

So being gentle,

But honest.

The inside narrative might be,

Well,

Yeah,

I don't really like to admit this,

But I often feel a lot of anger around Uncle Bob.

I don't really like that.

I'd rather that not be there.

But if I'm being honest,

That's kind of an actual factual.

And so we're treating these things not to change them or fix them,

Which is what we often do.

We're just trying to be as simple as possible.

Yeah,

Right,

Wrong,

Good or bad.

This is what is common.

And I'm going to write this down or I'm going to acknowledge that.

You might also include responses that are neutral that maybe you might skip over.

Like,

Oh yeah,

When I see Sarah,

She's a really neutral person for me.

I don't really have a whole lot of response other than neutrality.

And that's important too.

So I'm going to name that.

Put that in our inventory.

We might name predictable behaviors that we have.

It might be something like,

Oh,

Yep,

I predictably drank one too many glasses of wine.

Or I predictably drink just the right amount.

Or I predictably struggle with eating any food.

Or I predictably eat too many bonbons.

Could be I predictably sit in the corner.

Or walk around the block a lot.

Or I predictably get caught in conversations and I don't know how to get out.

I don't know how to get out of them.

So we can't predict the future,

But we can learn from the past of what our predictable behaviors,

Feelings,

Responses happen to be.

We're going to do our best to not judge them.

We do way too much of that already.

So this is not about judging or fixing or correcting or managing any behaviors necessarily.

It's about just,

In this section,

Just acknowledging them,

Being honest about them for what they are.

Right,

Wrong,

Good,

Or bad.

And then we're just going to keep being curious.

We're going to be curious about what we desire from those scenarios.

And this is pretty important.

This is something that I spend a lot of time with clients on,

So it's not necessarily easy.

But I want,

I'm going to invite you to connect to a desire that you have for this situation.

Maybe it's a desire to have a good time.

Maybe it's a desire to just get through it.

Right,

So it could be like lots of different desires.

Maybe it's to like,

I don't know,

Have good food.

Maybe it's a scenario or a desire to not have any fights,

Which would kind of be like a desire to have a good time or to have a peaceful experience.

I'm going to invite you to stay as simple as possible and keep it into what you do want,

What you do want to,

Like a core desire of what you want to experience.

And whatever that is that you've named,

I want you to see if maybe you have a tiny bit of it in this moment.

This moment,

Yeah,

Just this one.

So if you have a desire for fun,

Let's see if in any kind of way in this moment,

Head to toes,

There's some kind of experience of fun.

And really like,

Make it simple,

Right?

Not like screaming from the rooftop fun.

But is there anything like a little bit enjoyable in this moment?

A little bit enjoyable.

Maybe it's just like a little bit enjoyable to be doing this exercise.

It's a little bit enjoyable to just feel your breath in your belly or in your nostrils.

Maybe you're desiring to just,

You know,

Be a little relaxed or stay grounded.

And so we already know in this moment,

You're a little grounded because we did that grounding exercise,

The anchoring exercise.

Maybe it's to feel regulated,

Not 100%,

But a little regulated and already feeling a little bit regulated.

And so we can just pause to notice how we're feeling grounded in this moment,

Experientially,

Not conceptually.

We've left imagination for a moment and we've come back to this moment.

How we're feeling grounded or feeling some sense of ease or regulated in this moment.

That takes us back to our anchors,

To the experiences that are really simple.

Back to recording one.

And what we want to imagine in those scenarios that we can use our sense mechanisms and what we know to help ground us so we can stay connected to our desires.

In those scenarios,

We know the sounds that are going to be likely.

We know the visuals that are going to be likely.

We might even know some of the smells,

Some of the tastes.

And of course,

We will be having our body there.

So we know some of the sensations and some ways that we can connect to gravity when we're there.

And that's what we're going to do next is we're going to imagine how can my body stay a little bit grounded and anchored when I'm in these scenarios.

So you know you best.

And what we're going to do is have conversations with ourselves to give ourselves permission to stay grounded or anchored in these situations.

And we're going to use our inventories to help us do that.

Noticing your inventory of place.

What are the locations in that scenario that are helpful for you to connect with,

To be in?

Maybe there's that spare bedroom and you know it would be nice to give yourself permission to go hang out in there for a little bit.

And maybe you need to practice having a conversation to give yourself a permission to do that.

Maybe you need to role play a little scenario with your mom for example.

Hey mom,

I'm really having a good time but I'm going to just go into the spare bedroom for a little bit.

And just take a few breaths.

Or check my messages.

I just want to check in with somebody real quick.

I'm going to go listen to this song real quick that I've really been enjoying.

I just want to reconnect with it.

You can give yourself any excuse you want.

You can make up an excuse to go take care of yourself if you need to.

One that a lot of my clients have used before is,

Hey I'm just going to run to the store.

I forgot to get something I wanted to get.

And then you get to do that.

You get to go to the store.

Give yourself permission to take some space.

Go on a little drive.

Go to the gas station.

There's almost always a gas station open on Christmas.

If that's the holiday.

Maybe you get yourself something and bring it back.

Maybe you can get something for somebody and bring it back.

Just for fun.

Make fun with it.

Have a good time.

Maybe you don't even,

You just drive around the corner.

You get to create your scenario.

You get to have a conversation with yourself of,

How am I going to give myself permission to take care of myself?

The one I like a lot when I've been at family scenarios is that walk around the block.

And I know sometimes people struggle with giving themselves permission to leave a gathering.

And so you'll,

I'm inviting you to have the conversations you need to have with yourself and or another person.

So that you can give yourself that permission.

And you know you and you know your scenarios best.

So maybe it's like,

Hey,

Hey mom.

I'm just,

Yeah,

I'm just going to go.

Go take a,

Get a breath,

A breath of fresh air.

I'm having a really nice time,

But I just wanted to,

Yeah,

I just wanted to walk around the neighborhood.

I haven't seen the neighborhood in a while.

Or I just want to see the lights.

Or I just wanted to fill in the blank.

At my mom's house,

There's a little creek down the,

Down the road.

Hey,

I want to go see that creek.

And maybe she wants to come with you.

And this is again where you advocate for yourself.

Yeah.

Oh gosh,

That sounds really nice.

But I just going to spend a couple of moments by myself.

I'm really looking forward to coming back to see you.

Right.

So there's so many ways we can have these gentle and loving conversations with ourself and with our loved ones.

But let them know,

Let us know that we care about ourselves and we care about who we're with.

And we're going to give ourselves some permission to just do what we need to do to stay regulated,

To stay self-connected.

I've been known to use going to the bathroom to do that.

I've been known to do dishes,

Even at somebody else's house.

Hey,

I'm just going to do some dishes.

I'm going to clean up a little bit to self-regulate.

Of course,

I'm going to be mindful to not violate someone else's boundaries.

If they don't want me to do that,

Then of course I won't.

But usually people don't mind if we pick up a few things here and there.

Hey,

Can I take your plate to the kitchen?

And I just very slowly walk there,

Hang out there for a minute,

Wash my hands,

Feel the water on my hands.

Take a few breaths while I'm doing that.

Maybe I find that neutral person.

Maybe I find Sarah who's neutral.

And I just hang out with her for a little bit.

Have a conversation about something simple and easy.

Like the birds or the weather.

Those are two of my favorite ones when I'm with family.

We like birds in my family,

So it's an easy topic.

I like the weather because I like to be outside.

I like asking people what shows they're watching or what movies they're watching or something fun they've been up to.

And just listen.

Maybe share about what I've been watching,

What I've been up to.

I work hard to be as honest with myself as I can.

And as honest with others as I feel comfortable with.

And to name,

Oh,

I'm starting to feel a little bit full in my brain.

I'm just going to take a break.

At any time,

We can utilize those practices from recording number one to connect to sounds to stabilize us.

Neutral sounds,

Actual factual sounds to stabilize us.

Or neutral,

Actual factual smells.

Maybe there's just a plant in the corner that's kind of a brain cleaner,

As I sometimes say.

This helps our brain regulate.

That couch under the sit bones or the feet on the floor.

And regardless of what we're feeling inside,

We can also name that we're likely not in a room where there's threat or danger.

So we might be feeling some anxiety inside.

But we want to have a conversation with our brain to let our brain know,

I'm looking around and yeah,

I'm fact checking.

There's no threat or danger in this space.

I'm looking behind me,

Looking at the solid ceiling,

The solid walls,

The solid floor.

And there's some challenge in the room,

But there's no imminent threat or danger.

I'm just breathing with that fact.

It's an important fact for our nervous systems.

And we can be with the and both.

The fact that there's no threat or danger in our room.

And yeah,

It's a lot to be maybe to be in this room.

So I hope I've given you some good ideas of how to be in some challenging predicaments.

Or just some predicaments where you have a good time,

But you tend to maybe get a little dysregulated.

And you can use any of these practices,

These inventories to have conversations with yourself before you go.

And when you're there to utilize these.

I'd be really curious to hear how this has been helpful for you.

Even leading up to your events and or after your events.

All right,

Take good care.