Self-Sabotage Is Not Your Flaw | An IFS Approach To Change

Self-sabotage is not your flaw.

It might feel like,

Oh,

That's just the thing about me.

I just fuck things up.

But self-sabotage is what a part of you is doing.

For a reason.

I'm Lillian Childress,

A mental health therapist.

And in the years of my practice,

I've helped a lot of people heal their self-sabotage,

Not by correcting it.

But by finding where it's coming from inside and then working directly with that part.

In this video,

I'll help you learn how to see yourself sabotage without shame.

And that's where the healing begins.

So you're thinking about your self-sabotage.

And you may be thinking,

What's my problem?

But instead of that,

If you're thinking about yourself as an integrated whole with many parts,

Then it's more like,

Who is doing that?

And why?

And then you start the process finding your saboteur usually saboteurs are Two kinds of parts.

One is a protective.

Part that's doing this sabotaging in order to prevent some kind of re-injury.

I'll talk about that one first.

The other can sometimes be an exiled or wounded part of you,

Maybe even one that you're not conscious of that has been put down in the basement,

So to speak.

A part that is expressing an unmet need or some kind of pain that's being held.

Through this behavior that's called self-sabotage by your ego,

Your manager part.

So starting with the protective ones,

See if any of this kind of resonates for you or rings a bell.

Here's some examples.

A saboteur protector that is your procrastinator.

This part says.

.

.

I'm gonna not be a failure.

By just waiting until it's too late.

Then I'm not a failure.

Time just went by.

Or working on it and working on it until it's.

.

.

Past the deadline anyway.

That's a part that is protecting from a failure wound getting reactivated.

So another example might be.

.

.

I'll call it a contortionist.

This type of saboteur will.

.

.

Squeeze you down into being,

Less effective,

Less successful,

Less bright because it's trying to protect you.

From For example,

A narcissistic parent whose ego would be threatened by your success.

Another saboteur protector is the closer.

I call it that because this is the part that closes the door real quick before the door can open too wide.

Into genuine vulnerability so it will reject before you're abandoned It will quit before you're fired.

It will stay up and get wasted before your audition.

Like,

You get it,

Right?

This is a really,

Really common one.

And it's a well-meaning part.

But wow,

The consequences can be really tough.

So here's an example of that in romantic relationships.

Let's say.

.

.

The 18-year-olds in college,

Has a first real um,

Deep and profound romantic relationship.

And in that relationship,

He reveals how he really feels about things,

What he imagines,

Who he really is.

He's genuine.

And that gets turned on him by a partner who gaslights him and uses that against him.

So,

Years down the road.

That person might have a saboteur protector.

Who will step in as soon as a new relationship starts getting intimate enough.

To do one of several things.

Maybe that saboteur will just start lying.

And it looks like,

You know,

Why lie about these tiny things?

But the saboteur is.

.

.

Protecting,

Is keeping that person from revealing their truth because look at what happened before.

The other kind of saboteur is an exiled part itself,

A wounded part,

Usually a child or adolescent in your inner world.

And again,

The inner world,

I know I've said this a million times,

It's timeless.

There is no calendar time.

So you can have an eight-year-old part of you inside you,

Very real,

Feeling exactly what his experience or her or their experience was.

Here's an example.

A 40 year old man who wants to take care of his heart health.

He's made the decision to do that.

And he's got a plan for no longer.

.

.

Eating a bunch of stuff at night.

And yet,

Before he even realizes it.

Each night he's in bed and he's had half a bag of salt and vinegar chips and he's had half a box of those Trader Joe's mini ice cream cones,

Right?

And then he,

Of course,

Shames himself and beats himself up.

That's another part getting involved.

So what's this guy's problem?

Why does he keep sabotaging his own wonderful goal,

Right?

A great goal for heart health.

Is it weakness?

Does he just lack willpower?

There's a six-year-old boy.

Every time He started to eat something that he loved or did something that really gave him pleasure.

His mom would take it away.

And this happened over.

Over and over in his childhood.

Especially around food,

He would start to enjoy something and his mom would take it away and maybe throw in some shame there too.

So the six-year-old has this unmet need.

To have agency to feel free.

To enjoy food.

He needs that.

And in those moments at night,

He is expressing that need.

He's coming up from the subconscious.

And before the conscious self,

The ego of the man knows it.

The little boy is trying to get his need met.

And you can probably guess the healing there.

Isn't with That man's ego or manager,

He knows what he's doing.

He's got a great plan,

Right?

Is with that little boy.

It doesn't even have to involve the mother or father,

Whoever the parent is at all.

That parent could be totally gone.

It's in the inner world.

Between the man's self,

His core,

And the six-year-olds.

Who has that unmet need and that traumatic experience that needs to be worked with and healed.

And then the change in behavior follows from.

From that.

What I'm really wanting to say to you.

Is if you are noticing that you are getting in your own way or you're ruining things that seem to be working for you or you just can't finish that thing you wanted to get to.

You just can't seem to do it.

Then look at it.

Find in yourself the part of you that needs your attention and is worthy.

Of your attention.

A lot of times when we have either a saboteur protector trying to prevent re-injury or a saboteur exile part,

Expressing an unmet need.

Either way,

Sometimes it can be hand in hand,

Lockstep with your brain biology.

Let's say you get really drunk in social situations.

And.

It's this protector in you.

Helping you be more comfortable in social situations so that you don't ever have to experience again.

The pain of feeling unwelcome and feeling like the outsider right so there's the protective part doing the drinking.

But then as you drink more over time,

You're changing your brain structure.

So you're altering the function of receptors on your brain cells and therefore the function of neurotransmitters.

So at that point,

Your saboteur that's actually trying to protect you from the pain of being an outsider or whatever that is.

That's hand in hand with brain biology.

And I think that's an important aspect to understand about self-sabotage because it's every bit as worthy of respect.

Why don't we just take a minute?

And you check it out.

No pressure,

Right?

Just taking a minute to see.

Is there a part of me doing a thing for a reason.

When I,

Whatever it is.

So We'll take just a minute to do that.

Close your eyes if you want to.

And feel your energy settling.

Slowing down.

Let your breathing slow down.

Let yourself.

.

.

Feel supported.

And cared for.

By your breathing.

And turn your attention inward.

Think of a time in your life.

When Self-sabotage happened.

And just let it reveal itself to you.

Stay with whatever is there for you.

Just noticing.

Feel the space.

Between you and that self-sabotaging,

Whatever that is.

Whatever way it showed up.

And how do you feel toward it?

Notice that too.

And if you feel anything other,

Then curious.

Just ask that other feeling to please ease back for a second.

So that you can be with that.

Saboteur.

What do you notice?

About this part of you that sabotages.

And there's.

.

.

No getting it wrong.

You're just showing up for yourself inside.

And we'll Close that out,

Just take a breath.

Open your eyes.

It's just a little bit of a chance to Go inside with the intention to respect what's there.

And to learn.

There's nothing I can tell you that's coming from me.

To you.

That you don't already really know in there somewhere.

When you approach your own saboteur,

You will get the information that you need.

And a lot of times,

You will find a wounded part of you.

Either the saboteur is protecting from that wound getting activated again,

It's a wounded part itself expressing an unmet need.

Try this.

Instead of criticizing the part of you that sabotages things,

Get curious toward it.

Ask this part that fucks things up,

Undermines,

Forecloses on things.

Ask it.

To talk.

Turn toward it like you would another person.

And say,

Okay.

Here I am.

Talk to me.

Tell me what this is about.

And then listen.

And it will tell you what you need to know.

To heal it.