Healing The Part Of You That Feels Shame | Inner Child Work

Shame doesn’t only come from the voice that criticizes—it also lives in the part of you that has felt the impact of being shamed.

In this video, Lilian guides you toward the part of you that carries feelings of shame, often rooted in earlier experiences. Using an Internal Family Systems approach, you’ll begin to understand how this part formed and what it needs now.

Rather than trying to get rid of shame, this work focuses on gently turning toward the part of you that feels it, with care and compassion.

When this part is seen and supported, the intensity of shame can begin to soften.

This is the second step in a two-part approach to understanding and healing shame.

Transcript

You can heal your shame.

A process.

It takes a little time because it involves two different parts of you.

The shamer,

The one saying the mean things internally,

Doing the shaming,

And the ashamed one,

The child part that's holding the pain.

We focused on the shamer in the other video because a lot of times this part hides.

That's what shame does.

It hides us.

So it's kind of difficult to get access.

To the child part in your inner world,

Your psyche.

So we start with the shamer.

And again,

Imagining that you are a whole person with many distinct parts.

Let's focus on this one.

I'm calling it a child because If you made it to middle school without feeling shame,

You are a miracle human.

If you made it through middle school without shame,

You're a unicorn.

I didn't know such a thing existed.

But really.

This is a part of you.

Probably from earlier in your life than you realize.

Because the original experience of shaming happens between some important adult usually someone that the child who was you depends on.

And the child.

So let's say it happens between the child and a parent.

The child learns from the parent.

Something bad happened because they are bad.

Let's say this is an eight-year-old boy.

And at night in bed,

He feels really scared.

He doesn't like the dark.

He doesn't like the quiet.

He doesn't like being away from the people that he loves.

And let's say he wets the bed.

And his parent.

.

.

Is just so frustrated by it.

Rips the sheets off the bed.

Why are you doing this?

What is wrong with you?

You're eight.

You shouldn't do this anymore.

Can you hear it?

The child takes the impact of that.

And if the adult doesn't own the harm,

Doesn't circle back and say to the child,

Hey,

Did that hurt your feelings?

I was overwhelmed.

I was tired.

Whatever it is that the adult does to own the harm,

If that doesn't happen,

It's the child's fault.

Bad things happen to me for a reason.

They have to.

That's a child's emotional logic.

So if it's not my parents' fault,

And I don't want it to be my parents fault because then that's really scary.

I'm going to make it my fault.

That's the original experience of shame.

And so early that most of us probably can't remember it.

We remember the re-injuries.

This part is sometimes when you go into your inner world,

Not so easy to find because this one has come into being right to repeat what the parent has done.

So that maybe the child hides the sheets in the closet maybe the child beats up on himself,

To try to not be scared at night.

So when you go inside,

You might find that there's just a blank.

When you're looking for this part of you to help this part of you,

Or more likely,

You'll find this one show up.

And insist on being on the scene.

So to help the part of you that's holding the shame.

You gotta first find it.

And that means asking.

The shamer,

To please step back.

We can try that in just a minute and you can kind of see what that feels like to go inside.

And notice.

.

.

What shows up when I am trying to focus on.

The child in me.

Who felt so ashamed.

Let's give it a try.

So.

Let's take just a second,

Close your eyes,

Or leave them open.

Breathe.

It's okay to slow down.

It's okay to go inside.

And we want to.

.

.

See what happens.

Inside you.

Because it matters.

What happens?

When you focus.

On.

Feeling ashamed.

Just wait and watch.

As I say this.

Remember.

A time in your childhood.

When you felt ashamed.

Just wait.

There's no getting it wrong.

This is your experience.

Being inside.

And simply watching,

Sensing,

Hearing what's happening.

You might.

Be seen a situation.

Yourself as a child,

You might be feeling that feeling.

Or you might Be frustrated.

Distracted,

You might have thoughts about,

Am I getting this right?

Or,

This is strange.

Whatever's there,

Is exactly where you want to start.

In order.

To help the part of you that feels the pain of shame.

Whoever showed up first,

That's where you start.

So take a breath,

Come back out.

If you want more guidance and time and help,

Approaching that child part.

Use the meditation.

It's just my voice guiding you through some inner work in approaching that child part and directly helping him or her or them.

Next time you feel shame.

Slow down.

Take a breath.

And know The child is here.

Somewhere.

Feeling it.

It's the child feeling the shame.

And whether you see this part of you or not,

Say to it,

Somebody.

Is saying mean things to you.

I know it hurts.

See what happens.

You have acknowledged A part of you that's been hiding,

Maybe for years.

And by acknowledging the child,

You start to heal that child.

And heal the shame.