You Can Trust Your Grief: A Therapist's Approach To Grieving

Grief is not a problem to fix or something wrong with you. In this video, therapist Lilian Childress offers a compassionate way to understand grief as a territory of the inner world—one you can move through with trust rather than fear. In this video you’ll learn:
• Why grief is not something you are doing “wrong”
• How to approach grief without trying to fix or suppress it
• How to begin exploring your inner world safely
• Why grief can be a meaningful journey rather than something to escape

Transcript

You can trust your grief. It's not something wrong with you that you need to. Fix or manage better. It's a territory to be in. I'm Lillian Childress, A mental health therapist, And in the years of my clinical work, I've helped people navigate grief when a loved one dies. And I know it myself. In this video, I'll talk about what grief is and offer what I hope will be a helpful way to approach your own grieving. I can't tell you about your grief. It's utterly unique. But I can offer you a kind of map of the territory and reassure you that You are not lost. In fact, You already know deeply. Everything. I'm gonna tell you. I'm just using a different language for it. And with a little bit of guidance, You'll be able to step into your inner world. And encounter your own territory. As you get used to being in there, You begin to trust. That your grief knows what it's doing. And that you are in the right place at the right time. But when you experience the death of someone you love, You are pitched. You're propelled. Into helplessness. And into another territory. I think of it as the territory of night inside your inner world, Your psyche. Those are along the lines of the way John Turan. Describes things in his book, The Light Inside the Dark. So I don't even think of grief as a part. In other videos, I talk about how we are an integrated whole with many different parts of us. That are around a core being soul self with a capital s whatever you want to call that And I do think that there are parts of us that can hold. Grief from various experiences. But I'm talking about the death of a loved one. And that is its own thing. When you first experience that death, You're in another place. And. People around you can actually be spooked by it, A little bit alarmed by it. They look into your eyes. And they see vastness reflected back. And they can kind of sense that You're not fully here. You're somewhere else. And you are. And that's okay. In the territory of night, Which is so different from your sunlit world. In that place, There are tasks. That you move through. And the journey through that territory is what I call grieving. And when you're there, There are things that you learn. And even there are things that will nourish you. The night can nourish you. As you learn how to be there. Grief can be Almost. Shamanic It's like you are moving back and forth. Between worlds. Between the daily sunlit world. Uh. . . Interacting with people and maybe still going to work or taking care of your body, All of that. And then you're called down by grief into that territory of night. And there's no changing it. There's no directing it. There's allowing it. And when you are in that other territory, You're there. And you don't need to be anywhere else. You don't need to feel better. You don't need to make more sense. You don't even need to figure anything out. Because you are being held by something vast. And I even think of that as sacred. But you move back and forth. At first you may be in that place of night for A solid month. Or maybe a day, Maybe a week, Maybe it's just a moment. And then you move back out into the sunlit. World and as you get used to that back and forth kind of movement and trust that it has a soulful logic to it. So I don't mean a cerebral logic. I mean a kind of logic that's. . . Beneath language, Bigger than language. And again, You're being held by it. You can feel like an other. When you're grieving. Almost like you don't even belong among normal people. You know, Whatever normal is, You don't belong there. There's something you're somehow marked by the night, Died by it. You can feel. Isolated. And that's okay. When people are responding to you and. . . Feeling for you and wanting to help you, You can get a lot of advice. Lot of efforts to make it better for you. But those are things that pull you out. Of this territory that knows how to take care of you. And I'm not saying that the people who want to help you are. . . Or wrong, Of course, It's just the you. No. Your grief. And if and when you trust that, Things begin to unfold, Even in the thickest night. I mean, When you don't even know who you are. Grief, That territory. Can sometimes be like you are in a cloud forest at dusk. You can't see five inches in front of your face. You don't have a sense of time. Your sense of who you were before that death has somehow dissipated. You don't know what to do next. All you can do is not know what the next step is. And that is a region of the territory of grief that is its own thing. And it too has its own order. And it can be terrifying. But if you know where you are, I am in the territory of night. If you understand it, It's not as scary. In that place you can be brought to what I see as your cave of exiles. This means. . . You come across the parts of yourself that are the most wounded. The parts that maybe you've had to hide away or forget in order to get on with being you and to function in life. We all have a cave of exiles. I had a client who called them her cholera children. Coming up out of the basement. In rags, Ugly. Ill. Starving. And That image is so powerful. You'll have your own. You'll know. Because. . . In the inner world, That is where Grief. Takes you. To what most needs healing that was already there long before your loved one died. To the outer world, That looks like, In clinical terms, Decompensation. Oh my gosh, These symptoms are coming up. And oh, They're getting obsessive again. And oh my gosh, The addictive stuff is worse. There's so much worse. People are worried about you. Is she going to. . . Um. . . Pitch into more panic attacks or numbness or however it shows up. And that's very real, But that's outer world language. In the language of the inner world. You have encountered your cave of exiles. And the amazing thing about the night if you greet it. And you Stay in it with intention. When it has called to you. The amazing thing is, It's like your heart. . . Is opened by it. And you have access to this enormous. Capacity to love. To go into the cave. And see those parts of you, Oh, That ashamed little part, That part that felt so bad or ugly or wrong, To see that in yourself. And take its hand like a little starving child, Right? Say, Oh, I see you there. You can feel incredible compassion. For your own And I think that is the nourishment. That comes from the territory of night. Because when that starts to happen, You start to realize that grief is not something to get through. It's a territory inside you that will always be there. That is not something to. . . Improve upon or Or go through the steps of. Over time, It tends to be a movement into the sunlit world for longer. So you might be spending more time in that place of growth and learning and connection. And then knowing too. That you have this sacred place inside you. And that That doesn't change and you don't need it to change. Are you wondering about your territory? Your night. Your grief, What does that place look like in you? We can take just a minute. No big deal. And close your eyes if you want to. And just see about it. Take a breath. Just slowing down. Just feeling what that's like to inhabit Yourself. And breathing again. And bring your focus inward. And rest there. And then ask. What does. . . My territory of night. Look like. Wait. And you may have an image come to you. A geography, A place, Or you may not. You may Just sense it. You're just staying here and. . . Taking it in, Looking around. Ah, This is the territory. What is here for me? Can I Lean into it. And say yes to it. Even when. It's terrifying. Just stay here. And see if you can feel how wise it is. And any little fragments of it or. . . Words, Images. Just notice those. And that's it, Nothing else. Just kind of getting the first. Look. At what's there. And when you're ready, Just take a nice, Slow, Easy breath in. And let your whole body kind of let go of it. And look, You're safe. It will not annihilate you. You've already been annihilated. By this. And you're here. Here you are. And remember anything you can about where you've been. Because Now you'll know where you are going when grief calls. And it does call you. In its own distinct way. It could be a smell. It could be the quality of light. It could be the way someone says something that reminds you of that person. Right? You know what I'm talking about. It comes. And this time, When it comes, Maybe. . . You can trust it. And Go with it. Try this. Next time it does come. Take a breath. And stop what you're doing. If you can. And follow it. Go with it. Into your territory of night. And tell yourself. Here I am. Grief. In the territory of night. Here I am. Just that. And then, Maybe find a. . . A breadcrumb from this other place, This unseen place that you can bring with you to remind you that it has its own order and its own being and it's real. So a shell, A stone, A photo, A small object that belonged to the person you love. Something that you can keep with you to remind you that Grief. Makes you less put together. But more whole.

Reviews

My daughter just died 5 days ago. This was really helpful. I don't want to learn about grief but here I am

Loss leads to the darkest of one’s life and has the capacity to lead to the lightest as well. Found kindness, a sense of sage wisdom and generosity in this suggested therapy, thank you. When haven’t properly grieved, this is an excellent place to begin to address your unpacking of your thoughts, emotions and feelings. Thank you.

What a significant and helpful way to present grief. Thank you so much 🙏🏼💜✨

Really helpful. Thank you.

Thank you for articulating this so well. I was my Mom's care giver and she is finally at peace and I am currently finding out where life goes now and this very well describes the duality of living through grief. Life continues on no matter what we go through individually, which is also something to remember through grieving. Take your time, make mistakes without fear, be messy or sad or confused. The world will turn continuously while you heal in whatever ways you need to heal. Let your night show you where your healing is taking place, everything else will continue.