Your Inner Protector Helps You | An IFS Look At "Resistance"

Many people feel blocked when they try to look inward or begin emotional healing. In Internal Family Systems, this resistance is understood as a protector part—a part of you that has learned to guard your pain.
Your protector isn’t the enemy of healing. It’s actually trying to keep you safe.
In this talk, Lilian explains how protector parts develop and why they can make inner work feel difficult. When you begin to understand and respect your protector, it can become your ally for healing rather than your obstacle.
If you sometimes feel hesitant, numb, or resistant when turning toward your emotions, this talk can help you approach that experience with curiosity instead of frustration.
You may wish to follow this talk with the companion meditation Meet Your Protector, which offers a guided experience of getting to know this important inner part and addressing its fears about inner work.

Transcript

Your most loyal protector lives inside you. You might think of a protector as some strong person or force outside of you, But if you turn inward, You'll find a part of your psyche or inner world that works tirelessly to protect you, Both from pain caused by others and from your own old pain getting activated from within and overwhelming you. This is a part of you, Not your entire self. You are a whole person with many different parts, And when you start going inside to meditate or journey or heal emotional wounds, The first thing to show up is often your protector. Most of us have multiple protectors and one big one, Our primary, Most loyal protector. This one comes into being early in life, When you're just a child and you are somehow wounded in your relationship with a parent or a person you depended on. At that time, This adaptive part steps in to take care of the child pain in whatever way it can. Maybe it shuts down, Hides, Distracts, Tries to please the person who hurt us so much. Whatever it does, The protector is devoted to that child. It's frozen in the past and continues to help the child in that same way throughout your life. The protector says, Never again, And stays deep in the inner world, Guarding the child. And it will mistake your current partner, Friend, Boss as the original wounder and do its thing to protect the child from re-injury. And the gender or age of that person that gets mistaken as the wounder doesn't matter. It's the emotional context. This big protector stays back with the child in the past, Again, Preventing re-injury in whatever way it does that. It's different for all of us. So when this big protector mistakes a partner, A friend, A boss, Whoever, For the original wounder, It does its thing. And there you are in your present moment, Even wondering afterwards, Why did I react that way? Well, Your protector was making sure that the child never feels that pain again. As you start paying more attention inwardly, You're probably going to find a whole crew of protectors in there, Maybe a gatekeeper. And these are just names that my clients over the years have come up with that really speak to what their different protectors do. So a gatekeeper, That's often the big one, That primary one. It will usually step in as soon as you try to pay attention to your pain inwardly. Might distract you or shut you down, Give you fuzziness. When you try to meditate or go inside. We also, A lot of us, Have what I like to call a manager. That's that part that keeps track of everything, Makes sure that everything is going according to plan, Plan, Plan. Or here are some others that I've gotten to know through my clients over the years. The judge, The pleaser. Now that one doesn't sound like a protector, Does it? Pleasers are actually quite fierce protectors. They will read accurately what another person wants, What they want to have happen, How they want to feel about themselves. And the pleaser will make that other person happy in order to keep the child safe. There's also maybe a warrior or a flat-out wall, A saboteur, Or maybe a soothsayer. That's a part that runs out mentally the whole course of an event. It predicts usually dire consequences to protect from the pain of being caught by surprise. Or maybe there's an analyzer, You know, A super intellectual in there. Or a sentinel that's always on the lookout for the next danger. Or maybe a fixer, A part that tries to rescue other people and help fix their problems. We could go on and on about all of the different kinds of protectors, But hopefully hearing just a few of those, You're curious about yours, Which is great because it is a relationship. And whether it's the big'un or any other kind of protector, It does a job either to prevent pain, Like I was saying about the little child pain, You know, Preventing re-injury in the present tense, Or its job is to put that pain out when it's burning. The ones that put out pain can be extreme in their efforts. They dissociate you, Drive addiction, Shame you, Shut you down or jack you into panic. They binge and burn and cut. They plan suicide. These extreme protectors think they're helping and do not take kindly to being called a problem. We'll give them special attention another time. They deserve it. To get around in the inner world, You must earn your protectors' trust. But how do you do that? You find it and pay attention. Let's take just a minute and do that right now. No big deal. Close your eyes if you feel like it and slow your breathing way, Way down. And let your inhale pull you into your own inner world. And just feel what that's like to be inside. There's nothing you're noticing that's wrong or a failure. It is what it is. So let it be there and just notice. And when you feel ready, Ask, Who has a concern about me getting close to my pain? And then wait, Be patient. Feel the space between you and whatever is there. A body sensation, An image. Give it space and let it be there. How does your protector show up? Greet this primary part of you. Tell it, I know you're loyal to me. See how it responds. Now you've started the relationship. Breathe slowly. And come back out. Finding this part of you is the first step to healing work. Because once you do, You can learn about what its concerns are. What is your protector afraid would happen to you if you did move closer? To the part of you that's really holding the pain. If you want to learn about your protector's fears and directly address them, Do the meditation that guides you step by step through that process. But for now, Just having this sense that, Ah, There's that part of me that's probably going to show up in whatever way as soon as I turn inward. That's a great start. It's this part that maybe gives you, As soon as you go in, Distracting thoughts. You know, Suddenly you're thinking about what you've got to do later today. Or it's really analytical. It's right there saying, How does this exactly work? This is really weird. Or maybe it's a part that says, Oh, You're no good at this. You can't do it. This is for other people. Forget it. It can show up too as fuzziness. You know, You close your eyes and there's just static there. That's not your weakness. That's not your fault. That's not you being bad at meditation. That's your protector being a gatekeeper. Spend as much time with your protector as you can. If every time you close your eyes to focus inward, You kind of want to jump out of your skin, Hang out with your protector. It's right there asking you to respect it. Once you understand this part of you and respectfully work with it, Then you get access without overwhelm to places in the inner world where your deepest wounds wait for you to come for them. And you're the one to heal them. You have everything you need. Your protector can't heal you, But you can't truly heal without it. You can talk about your pain. You can analyze it. You can tell the story of it. And these ways of making meaning are crucial to integrating, Particularly traumatic experience. But again, It's the protector who either does or does not allow you to feel the actual pain again. And your actual pain, Like a key, Unlocks the neural network holding the exact felt experience, Frozen in time. Or in the language of the inner world, The protector agrees to let you be with the part of you that is holding the felt experience of loss, Grief, Shame, Helplessness, Terror, And give that part the deep witness it needs in order to heal. What I mean by deep witness is understanding from the heart, Feeling the pain, And at the same time, The you that's not a part, Your core, Soul, Spirit, Whatever you want to call it, Is there, Feeling for this part of you that suffered. Deep witness isn't magic. It happens on the level of the neuron as memory reconsolidation. There are plenty of resources out there about that, And some of them really accessible. No need to deep dive into the brain science right now. But it can be helpful just to know that you have a part of you that is devoted to you, That is staying with that child in his or her or their pain, No matter what. And you will not get to be with that child and help them until your protector gives permission. Please befriend your protector before you approach a part of you that holds trauma. If you approach a part of yourself that holds experiences like that and you haven't befriended your protector, Then a trauma memory suddenly opens. An extreme protector can rush in because there's a fire, And that can make for an unsafe situation. What if, For example, A trauma memory suddenly comes up, And again, In the language of the inner world, What I mean by that is a deeply hidden or exiled little child part holding the exact felt experience of some kind of trauma. That part might come rushing up to the surface because maybe it's been in there in the dark for so long it's excited to get attention, And it comes right up. And then an extreme protector might come in to resolve that, To get rid of that opened pain with a night of binge drinking, Self-harming, Any number of things. Hopefully that makes sense, What I mean about the relationship between a part holding trauma experience and an extreme protector. As you heal wounded parts, Your protector, And when I say that I'm really meaning kind of your big one, Your main one, And really any of your protectors, If you have a whole crew of them, Will no longer have to work so hard. They'll be free to funnel that psychic energy toward growth and connection. But that's down the road. This is your journey. It's an adventure, And it takes time. Your first step is to greet your protector, See its devotion to you, Its intelligence, Its tireless efforts to guard the child. Listen. Understand. Express gratitude. Respect it by saying, You've done a great job protecting me all this time. Reassure it by addressing each specific concern it has about your inner work. No rush. Seriously, In my work as a trauma therapist, Not just a client and I can spend a couple years doing this with a fiercely loyal protector. And that is the safe and effective and respectful way to start healing your own wounds. You really can do lasting safe work with your wounds, With emotional healing. When you invite your protector onto the scene, You can tell it, I want you here with me when I work with so-and-so wounded part. Stay right here with me. Can you please just ease back a bit to give me space to be with, For example, The invisible little girl, That five-year-old who didn't get the care she really needed and believes it must be because something is wrong with her. She's ugly, Unlovable, Bad. If I want to approach that child and help her, My protector knows her better than anyone and should be there. You can tell your protector, Hey, If it gets too intense, Step in, Do your thing, Pull me out with distraction, Put up the wall, Dissociate me. I trust you. A protector responds well to being appreciated and trusted. And that isn't anything really complicated or difficult. You'll see. You'll get a feel for it. Try this. Next time you notice that protective thing going on, Maybe you're getting critical, Going silent, There's fuzziness or blank, Maybe you're saying yes when you want no, You're tensing up, Shutting down. Pause. Be with yourself. There's your protector. Breathe slowly. Say to it internally, Thank you, I know you work hard for me. Right there, In the moment. See how it responds to your respect. Just that. Now you're in cahoots with your best ally for healing.