Your Loneliness Longs For You | An IFS Talk

Lilian uses an Internal Family Systems approach to help you understand your loneliness as a part of you and directly interact with it in a way that heals. Your loneliness will no longer be alone when you pay attention. This talk offers emotional healing education and a brief experience of guided meditation in which you'll find the lonely part of you and gently ask it, "What do you need?" With this question, you begin a loving and life-changing relationship—the one between You and whatever is happening inside you.

Transcript

Your loneliness longs for you. I know, You're probably thinking, No, No, I am lonely. I need a person. I understand that. Loneliness is such a distinct pain. It's so profoundly human and beautiful and it hurts. A way that you can help loneliness is to think about yourself as a whole person with many parts. So a part of you is lonely. A lot of times the lonely is a child inside. And what I mean by that is in here, In the inner world, The psyche, The subconscious, There is no time. So what you felt as a little child alone, Overlooked, Abandoned, An outsider, Whatever that pain was, That child is still there inside you, Very real, Not seen by anyone from the outside and yet absolutely there feeling exactly that loneliness. Maybe as an adult, You know, You look back and you think, Oh no, It wasn't that bad. That's just a kid. I'm over it. I'm past it. But not for the child part who feels what he or she or they feel. And that's their emotional reality. Imagine your inner world like a house and among your parts, There's this child feeling such loneliness. And in that house, The child runs to the front door every time someone comes along, Anyone, Flinging the front door open, Hoping that that person is going to be the one to really see them, Hold them, Love them exactly as they are, Make them feel safe and cherished. There's the longing in lonely. So this child is running to the front door for anybody, Opening the door to the big bad wolf, Hoping that the wolf will love it. And meanwhile, All along in the kitchen, The place of deep nourishment, There's your soul, Your core, The you that's not a part, Whatever you want to call it. It's the source of your healing. And it's not a part. It has no agenda. So there it is with all of the unconditional love nourishment that the child really needs. Now, That may sound nice. But how do you go in, Find this child, And encourage them away from the front door toward you? We can do it right now. Just so you get a feel, Briefly, For what it's like to go inside. So get comfortable. Close your eyes if you want to. And slow your breathing down, Way down. Just staying with it and noticing how your breath is right there, Always supporting you. Allow it to support you now. On your next inhale, Allow your breath to pull you in to the inner world. Just notice what that's like to be inside. Ask, Who is lonely? Maybe a thought is there, A body sensation, An image, A memory, Maybe an entity, A character. Whatever your experience is, Stay with it. Feel the space between you and the lonely that you're seeing, That you're noticing. You might even let the lonely get a good look at you. Here you are. And for now, That's the beginning. It's all that's needed. And when you're ready, Take a nice deep breath in. And open your eyes back out to the outer world. So there was the loneliness. And you can be there for it. If you want to spend more focused time with this lonely child, Use the guided meditation that will allow you to find this part, Spend some time with it, And help it. That kind of inner work can do a lot to ease those feelings of loneliness and the impact they have in the moment. Because you have this experience of really tending to the part of you that needs attention, That needs someone to show up and really be there. Try this. Next time you feel lonely, Maybe you're out in the world. Maybe you're hanging out with a bunch of people. Oh, You can feel lonely with people, Right? Maybe you're in line at the grocery store, Or you're at home. Whatever it is, Notice the loneliness. Take a slow breath. And with your eyes open, Use your peripheral vision to see the lonely right there beside you. Feel it there. Feel how it matters, This lonely one. And if it feels right, Hold it with your mind. Put your arm around it. I got you. Just that. See what that's like. You're lonely. Is not alone anymore.