There's probably a person in your life who.
.
.
Who you just think of as a calm person,
Like nothing rattles them,
You know,
Traffic,
Bad news,
Someone being rude,
They just take it all,
They're always calm.
And somewhere along the way you decided that you were just built differently,
Differently than you.
And that calm is their personality.
And being reactive or anxious or sensitive,
That's all yours.
Now I want to take that apart today for you because it's just simply not true.
And believing it can cost you more than you know.
Hi,
My name is Kinga and I'm a nervous system and somatic trauma release practitioner.
And here's what I want to show you in the next few minutes.
In this video.
Your personality is not a fixed thing that You were hemmed it at birth.
Because a huge part of what you call who I am It's actually a nervous system state that you've been living in so long.
That it started to look like a personality.
Look like a personality.
And once you see that,
Something else opens up.
Because your state doesn't just shape your personality.
It shapes your entire reality.
It shapes what you notice,
What you do,
How people respond to you,
What reaches you and what never does.
And by the end of this video.
I hope you'll understand that whole,
Not I hope,
I know you will understand that whole chain and you will have one small practice to start working with it.
So let's start with how we started with calm because we treat calm like it's a virtue,
Like calm people are more evolved or more spiritual or just better at life.
But calm isn't a moral quality or a personality.
Calm is actually a capacity.
Your nervous system has this window,
Window of tolerance,
A range of intensity that it it can handle while still keeping you present and thinking clearly.
And inside that window,
You can feel frustrated and still choose your words.
You can get bad news,
But still be able to stay in your body.
But outside of this window is probably where you flip.
You get sharp,
You shut down,
You go blank.
And that person,
You might know,
Who never rattles,
You know,
They always stay calm.
The difference is their window is wide.
Wider than yours,
Probably.
Probably because of things that had nothing to do with their character.
Maybe they had A beautiful childhood where big feelings were just safe and welcome.
Maybe nobody was unpredictable in their house.
Maybe their body never had to learn to be on alert all the time.
You know,
Quietly,
Opposite of what I grew up in.
And if your window is narrow,
Like mine,
It's not a character flaw either.
It's just a body that learned early.
That it needed to be ready all the time.
That's not weakness.
That's just history.
It's history ingrained in your system.
So Calm isn't better than you.
Calm just has more room,
More capacity,
And capacity is something you can build.
Now,
Here's where it gets really interesting,
And this is the part I really want you to listen.
Estate.
A state is temporary.
A trait.
Is what a state becomes when you live in it long enough.
Or you can say that if you are in the same emotional state.
It becomes your mood,
And if you stay in the same exact mood for too long,
Then it becomes what others perceive as your personality.
Now think about.
Think about someone who spends.
Years in low-grade activation,
Like always a little brazed,
Always scanning their environment,
Always scared.
Now,
What does the word call that person?
Anxious?
Difficult?
Or think about someone whose system learned to just numb,
Shut down,
Go quiet when things get intense.
The word probably calls them cold.
Distant,
Hard to reach.
But nobody's being anxious at you,
Nobody's choosing to be distant from you.
That's actually just a nervous system doing the only thing it knows how to do.
It's doing it over and over.
Until it hardens into an identity.
Until you started saying,
Oh,
I'm just an anxious person.
Until you build a whole self-concept on top of a survival pattern.
And I know I did this too.
For most of my life,
I believed I had a short fuse.
I was just reactive and I said that was simply my personality.
I said,
I'm just impatient.
Other peoples are more patient.
And so that's just what I thought I was right down to my bones.
And then he turned out.
That I wasn't a bad-tempered person at all,
I was just a person with a very small window,
A person who got sharp every time she went past its edge,
You know,
Too hot,
Too tired,
Too hungry,
And I was gone,
Because my comfort zone was tiny,
So it happened constantly.
The personality wasn't the truth,
The truth of who I really am.
It was just capacity.
So your state becomes or can become your personality.
Now,
Let me show you how your personality becomes your reality,
Because this is the part that most people probably never get explained.
And this is where.
It stops being a theory.
So there are four.
Yeah,
Let's say four steps and then they all run in a loop.
So the first step is what you notice,
Like your nervous system is constantly scanning your environment underneath your awareness,
Asking one question.
Is this safe?
Am I safe?
Is there something wrong?
Am I in danger?
And what it finds depends on what state it's in.
So a system in threat finds threat.
It picks that one flat sentence out of a warm email,
Maybe,
Or it notices the pause before someone answers.
Or it just reads someone's face as disapproval when maybe that person was just tired,
It had nothing to do with you.
So you're not seeing reality,
You're actually seeing what your state is filtering for,
Let's say.
And you will swear that that's just what happened,
That's reality,
That's how it is,
End of the story.
And then the second step is what you do,
How you respond.
So once your body has decided something is a threat,
You act on it.
Maybe you don't reply or you reply a certain way to that message,
Or you don't ask for money,
Or you over-explain,
Or you go quiet,
You shut down,
Or you get there first with the sharp comment or you leave before you can be left but none of that feels like a choice in the moment it just feels like It just feels like being a normal person responding to a situation that you think it's reality.
The third step is how people respond to you.
This is the one people miss.
And is the strongest link.
In the chain,
I believe.
So nervous systems are contagious.
Before you say a word,
The people around you are reading the room and they're reading your attention,
Your tone,
The tightness in your chest,
On your face,
And their body responds to your body.
So a braced system tends to brace the room.
Or a defended person,
If I'm defended,
Then I probably only get defensiveness back.
And someone who is,
I call it contracted,
Waiting for something to go wrong doesn't get met with warmth as often because the other person's system got the signal to also watch out,
Be careful.
And then the fourth step is that all of that comes back to you as evidence.
Okay,
They were cold.
It didn't work out.
People are like that.
You see?
And that evidence goes right back into your system and reinforces the exact state that started it.
That's the loop.
So,
State creates perception,
Perception creates behavior,
Behavior creates response,
Response creates proof.
And then proof.
Deepens the state.
Round and round for years,
For decades.
And we call the shape that it makes my life.
Now I want to give you the moment where this became undeniable for me,
Where I really just understood it.
It was a very physical experience.
So I remember I was staying at my mom's place for a few days.
Few years ago,
Actually.
And on the last day,
She got irritated with me over something minor,
Something insignificant.
And the way she responded or reacted to me wasn't kind.
I felt criticized for no reason.
And my body reacted immediately,
Like,
You know,
I shrank.
And all those old childhood feelings came flooding in,
Not as thoughts,
But as sensations in my body.
And I was in that helpless,
Unsafe feeling that was there.
I used to live in as a kid.
My chest tightened.
My whole body was shaking,
But there was nothing dangerous happening to me or around me.
And what I noticed standing there.
Was that my whole presence.
Had shrunk.
So,
Not just my mood.
I felt I was small,
Tight,
Contracted,
Invisible.
And I remember thinking that probably nothing can reach me here.
Nothing can find me.
If I carried this state into my week,
Into my month,
Into my work,
Into a room full of people,
Opportunities wouldn't find me.
Nobody would feel connected to me or want to connect to me.
I wouldn't even be noticed.
Not because I'm not worthy of it,
But because I had completely closed off.
Because receiving I believe requires openness and expansion.
And expansion only happens in safety.
So that was the moment this whole nervous system work stopped being separate from energy work for me.
It is energy work.
You know,
When we talk about frequency and your vibrational state.
It's the thing you walk into rooms with,
You know?
Which brings me to the last piece,
And it's the reason I teach what I teach.
So,
If your state is creating your reality,
Then every method that just tries to change your reality from the neck up,
We call it,
Is going to keep failing you.
Like,
You know,
If you're just talking about.
.
.
Mental changes or positive thinking or repeating affirmations.
I'm not saying that those are worthless.
I'm just saying that they are incomplete,
They are not enough on their own,
Because they are trying to install a new reality on top of a body.
That is still.
In the old one.
So you can say,
I'm abundant,
I'm abundant a thousand times.
But if your body has learned that having money means danger,
Or it means attention and attention is not safe,
Or it means being asked of things or losing it again,
Your system will quietly find a way to keep it away from you,
Not to sabotage you.
But more like to protect you.
And here's the part almost nobody says out loud.
So when you visualize your future.
From a state of wanting.
You know,
From that tight reaching but not yet feeling.
You're not rehearsing the future at all.
You're just rehearsing the wanting.
You're practicing the feeling of not having it.
Probably every single morning or whenever you visualize it.
So real creation is somatic.
It has to be.
The work isn't to just mentally imagine harder.
The work is to build a body.
A nervous system state that can hold the thing when it arrives,
To feel safe being seen,
Safe being loved,
Safe having money,
Safe taking up space.
Safe being seen.
And I learned this one the hard way because years ago a video of mine on YouTube unexpectedly took off and just money and attention came in faster than I'd ever experienced or I'd ever wanted and I fell apart.
I had two sleepless weeks crying and my system was in complete overdrive and I actually asked the universe,
I begged the universe to make it stop and it did.
Because I wasn't a safe enough container yet.
The thing I wanted,
Money,
Arrived and my body couldn't hold it.
And it's not a mindset problem.
Because there's no affirmation for that.
So let me give you something to actually do,
Because this only works.
When it moves.
From your head.
Into your body.
So here's the practice.
I'd say twice a day.
And any other time you feel something shift in you,
Just stop for a moment and ask your body one question.
Am I contracted?
Or am I expanded?
Two options.
That's all.
And you will know because you don't answer this with your mind.
We're not asking your mind here.
You answer it with your body.
So contraction feels like your chest getting tighter,
Your shoulders,
You know,
Rising up.
Wanting to touch your ears,
Your jaw sets.
Your breath.
Gets probably higher,
Faster,
Or more shallow.
And there's this pulling,
Embracing,
Or wanting to leave the room,
Or defend yourself,
Or disappear.
The word just feels narrow and you feel small inside or you want to become small.
Expansion is the opposite and it's usually quieter,
Quieter than people expect because your breath drops lower,
Your shoulders come down,
There's room behind your ribs.
You're curious instead of careful.
And the word feels wide enough that you could say yes to something.
This is the first half.
Here's the second half.
And this is the part that connects it to everything I just said.
So once you know where you are contraction or expansion,
Contraction or expansion,
Ask one more question.
What could reach me from here?
Not how do I fix this,
Just notice from expansion.
Could you take a compliment without deflecting it?
Could you ask for the thing that you want?
From contraction,
Would you even have seen the opportunity if it walked right past you?
Would anyone have felt safe enough to come closer to you and wanting to connect to you?
You're not trying to change anything yet,
You're just noticing,
You're just learning to see the link live in your own body.
That's how it stops being a concept and starts being obvious.
So if you've been carrying around the belief that this is just who you are,
That you're the reactive one,
The anxious one.
I don't know,
The one who cannot hold good things.
I really hope that this.
.
.
What I just told you loosened something for you or in you.
Because you're not a fixed personality.
Your nervous system with a history and a certain amount of capacity is what's showing.
And capacity can grow slowly with practice.
And usually with other people around you.
So this week,
Just try to notice things.
Noticing which state you're in,
Contracted or expanded,
And then ask with curiosity.
What could reach me from here?
I see you next time.
