Cultivating Emotional Intelligence - 20 Minute Daily Insight

Life is hard at times, for everyone. And when difficulties show up, we can lose track of our deepest needs and feel stuck. In this 20-minute meditation, you will get a chance to develop your emotional intelligence by getting in touch with emotions, underlying needs, and skillful actions to meet those needs, in order to help you better meet life’s challenges.

Transcript

Welcome to the Daily Insight.

My name is Julian Lacay.

I'm a clinical psychologist and a mindfulness teacher here on Insight Timer.

In today's meditation,

You'll be guided in cultivating your emotional intelligence by slowing down,

Tuning in,

And getting in touch with what it is that you might need deep down in order to support your well-being.

To begin,

See if you can give yourself the permission to stop whatever it was you were doing,

And simply spend the next 20 minutes being with yourself fully.

Finding a place where you won't be interrupted and where you'll have some privacy.

Perhaps settling down on a comfortable couch,

Cushion,

Chair,

Or bed with a blanket to wrap yourself with,

Or using whatever you have at your disposal to feel safe and at ease.

Allow your body to settle and find a comfortable position.

Softening the gaze or closing the eyes if you feel comfortable doing so.

Perhaps placing one or both of your hands on the belly or over the heart.

Tuning into your body,

And allowing your attention to rest on the abdomen or in the palm of your hand if it's touching the abdomen.

And simply notice the movements of breathing there,

As the belly rises on an in-breath and falls on an out-breath.

And taking a moment now to get in touch with something that has been troubling you lately.

Bringing to mind any difficulties in your relationships at home or at work,

Or maybe even with yourself.

Making sure to choose a difficulty that is within your capacity to tolerate and to work with.

Maybe you're overwhelmed with a lot of responsibilities.

Maybe it's a difficult person in your life,

Or it's something that happened that you keep replaying in your head.

Maybe you're worrying a lot or having a difficult time dealing with a significant change in your life.

Whatever it is,

Bring your attention to this problematic aspect of your life and allow yourself to contact it fully.

As you get in contact with this difficulty,

Bringing awareness to how it is that you feel,

Ask yourself,

What is it like inside?

What do I feel in my body?

And bring attention to sensations that are showing up in the body.

Seeing if it's possible for you to turn towards these sensations without judging them,

But simply welcoming what you notice.

Perhaps you're noticing sensations of contraction,

Like tension,

Bracing,

Holding,

Or tightness.

In the abdomen,

The chest,

The throat,

The arms,

Or the neck.

Maybe you're noticing heat,

Pressure,

Agitation,

Or other sensations in different parts of the body.

Maybe you're noticing urges to react in certain ways,

Like to distract yourself,

To escape and hide,

To reach out for support,

To attack or blame,

Or maybe an urge to solve a problem.

Taking a moment to just investigate and be with these sensations and urges.

You might say to yourself,

Let me feel what is here.

Let me see it clearly.

Pay attention to the characteristics of these sensations.

What they actually feel like,

Their intensity,

Precise location in your body,

The boundaries of these sensations,

Where they begin and where they end.

Also noticing how they fluctuate,

Shift,

And change from moment to moment.

Keep investigating as you breathe with these sensations.

As you contact these sensations and urges,

Also notice what kind of activity is happening in the mind.

See if you can take a step back and notice the types of thoughts that are around.

Perhaps thoughts about the challenging situation that you're in,

How this is frustrating,

Unfair,

Hopeless,

Hurtful,

Scary.

Maybe you're noticing worrying,

Catastrophizing,

Or planning.

Maybe you're noticing thoughts of judging or blaming others,

Or criticizing yourself harshly.

Just get a sense of the narratives and patterns of thoughts that are present in your mind.

Watching these thoughts in your mind from a distance as you breathe with them.

Notice that you have a sense of how you feel in your body and what's going on through your mind.

You have the basic building blocks to put together the emotions that you're feeling.

Ask yourself,

What emotion is here?

Listen to the following emotional labels and see which fits best.

Perhaps you're noticing sadness,

Loneliness,

Or hurt.

Perhaps hopelessness or helplessness.

Maybe you're noticing anger or resentment,

Contempt or disgust,

Fear or anxiety,

Or maybe shame or guilt.

Choosing the label that resonates most with your experience.

And if you're not sure,

Taking your best guess for now.

And just acknowledging this emotion for a few moments.

For example,

Feeling tightness in your throat and saying to yourself,

Sadness is here.

Or noting a sinking feeling in your stomach and saying to yourself,

I'm noticing shame.

Taking a few moments to be with this emotion and continuing to repeat the emotional label.

As you stay with the emotion,

You may notice that there's another emotion that appears.

A more primary or core emotion.

For example,

You may first notice anger and as you stay with it,

You notice that sadness shows up in a different part of the body.

If that happens,

Shift your attention to this new emotion and repeat the label for this new emotion in your mind.

Staying with whatever emotions show up.

It can be helpful to remember that all emotions have a purpose.

They've evolved over millions of years to be signals that let us know when one of our needs is unmet and motivates us to do things to meet our needs.

As you stay with the felt sense of this emotion,

See if you can tune in to what your emotion is trying to tell you about what it is that you're needing and that is currently unmet.

For example,

If you feel anxious,

Perhaps you need comfort or soothing.

If you feel sad or lonely,

Maybe you need contact and closeness.

If you feel shame,

Perhaps you might need validation.

If you feel angry and resentful,

You may need protection.

And if you're feeling hurt,

Maybe you need nurturing and healing.

See if you can stay in close contact with the emotion in your body as you listen in for the need.

When you get a sense of coming into contact with an unmet need,

See if you can validate this need and assert it to yourself by repeating it in your mind.

For example,

Saying to yourself,

I need more closeness and this is a valid need.

If the unmet need is about past events,

You could say,

For example,

It was so important for me to be appreciated and even though I did not receive any,

I deserve appreciation.

Using your own words to validate and affirm your needs to yourself.

Take your time.

As you stay in contact with the emotions that are alive in you and the needs that they signal,

See if you can now turn your attention to the most important unmet need of yours.

Take a moment to reflect on what it is that is in your control that you can do to move towards getting this need met.

Reflecting on this as you keep your attention on the emotion in your body.

For example,

You might say to yourself,

What can I do to meet my need for closeness?

Or,

What is in my control to fulfill my life with more appreciation?

And if the need is not totally clear,

Maybe more generally asking yourself,

What can I do to help myself?

See if it's possible for you to stay in this reflection without having to find a definite answer.

Just asking the question and noticing what shows up.

You may have the thought of planning to speak to yourself in a gentler and more validating way when you make a mistake.

Or planning on non-judgmentally communicating your needs to a loved one.

Or setting healthy boundaries with a difficult person.

Maybe giving yourself time to cry so that you can grieve a loss,

Or reaching out to family or friends for more closeness and support.

Taking a few more moments to reflect.

At this point,

If the course of action for meeting your need remains unclear,

That's okay.

The invitation is to keep this reflection alive in you as you go about your day and perhaps returning to this meditation at a later point.

If you do have some ideas or intuitions about ways you might move in a direction of meeting your needs,

Seeing if you can hold this as an intention for the day.

Keeping in mind that your first attempts might not be successful and that this is an ongoing process.

So as this meditation comes to an end,

Coming back to sensing into your entire body.

Noticing sounds in your environment.

Allowing the eyes to open if they were closed.

And finding some movement in the body.

Keeping some awareness of your emotions and needs as you go about your day.

Reviews

💪❣

Merci. Wonderful meditation to connect with our own emotions

I find this so gently helpful. I am in great need of gentleness but struggle to find it in myself. Thank you for this meditation which I hope will help.

Great coaching for deepening around difficult emotions. Thank you. 🙏