How Social Media Made Me Miss Out On The Real World

Julie Ela Grace shares how she found herself lost in two worlds: the real world and the virtual one of social media. Explore mindful inquiries for becoming more present in both worlds and how to stop seeing reality through a filter. For a written version of the text, visit the Insight Timer blog.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to this talk on how the social media world made me miss out on the real world.

My name is Julie Elaw-Grace and I am honored to have you here for this talk today.

Thank you.

Just to note,

This talk was first published as an essay on the Insight Timer blog.

So thank you as always,

Insight Timer.

So I recently deleted the Facebook and Instagram apps from my phone.

It was a Sunday morning and there was ice on the road,

A rarity where I live in southern England.

I had just pulled my car into a space near the community center where I used to teach an early morning yoga class back in the days before the pandemic.

And I thought about the sensation of crunching ice under the tires,

Something reminiscent of my upbringing in northern Michigan.

When I got out of the car,

I felt the cold brush my cheeks and I heard birds singing,

Their song occasionally muted by pockets of wind whipping across the nearby river.

I felt nostalgic.

And then I felt a bit horrified.

How long had it been since I stepped into or out of my car with any kind of presence?

When was the last time I stood outside like this,

Fully in the moment,

Present with all my senses?

Like so many others,

My daily existence is rushed in such a way that I feel guilty when I have time to relax.

My planner is full of tasks for every single day,

Many of which often get pushed to the following day as one day is rarely enough to accomplish all that exists on my to do list.

And until recently,

I felt that I had time for social media to remain a tap away,

To take photos by the river for yoga advertising and then post them with appropriate filters and hashtags.

Too often,

It seems that when I was in a moment that could be considered beautiful,

Playful,

Love filled,

Or even serene,

I suddenly felt the need to share it with others.

And in doing so,

I took myself out of that moment and put myself in a virtual world in which I adjusted the reality by playing with brightness and sharpness settings,

Literally adjusting my past and my present.

That Sunday morning,

Standing outside my car,

Listening to the wind and the birds and smelling the cold.

It became painfully apparent to me that like so many others,

I had become lost in two worlds.

In my real world,

Which had become so busy that I was missing it.

And in that virtual world,

Which spends all of its time mimicking and altering that real world.

I was reminded of my initial resistance to smartphones and the way in which technology was quickly encroaching on every aspect of life,

Including following us into the bathroom,

Boredom busting any possible solitary moment we might have.

To say that it was only the birds and the unusual cold of that morning that caused me to remove social media apps from my phone would only be offering a partial truth.

For weeks,

I noticed that I often felt down after looking at Instagram.

I'd see photos of rock hard abs or convoluted yoga poses that left me wondering how someone got into or out of them.

And I would feel inadequate.

I'd see images of friends and colleagues with advertisements for online weekend retreats or photos of literary successes.

And I would doubt myself.

How can I ever live up to this?

And underpinning this question was the eternal,

Often subconscious question.

How can I ever fully validate my existence?

Be worthy of this bizarre gift of life.

When I told my partner about the recognition of my feelings,

He said,

Do you know how many people must have looked at our lives and felt exactly the same way?

He was right.

From the outside,

We have lived very glamorous lives,

Full of travel and work that genuinely fulfills us.

We feel grateful every day.

Yet social media doesn't show the insecurities,

The legalities,

The struggles to maintain a livable income while pursuing fulfilling work.

The desire to take snapshots of light filled moments exists because so much of the time is not light filled,

But busy filled with emails,

Voicemails,

Invoices,

The chasing of invoices,

Hours spent in front of laptops,

Worries about all the usual in life from the dog surgery to the fence threatening to fall,

To whether or not we'll ever have time to do it all.

Realizing that I was possibly displaying a filtered life that made others also question their own affected me even more than my own insecurities.

It led me to questions of intention.

Why am I posting these photos?

Why does it matter if people like them or not?

Of course,

Photos of my animals seem relatively benign,

But what about travel photos,

Selfies,

Or yoga poses?

Looking at a specific photo,

What was my intention posting a photo of me on a boat off the Amalfi Coast?

If I look deeply and honestly into myself,

I can see that it goes beyond the fact that it was a pretty picture.

It goes straight to the heart of social media.

That searching for validation outside of oneself.

Having grown up somewhat rurally and having been extensively bullied about my appearance as a child,

Pictures like this seemingly scream to tormentors from decades past.

I am worthy.

I am worthy.

They allow the ego to rest in its fragile,

Artificial world and to literally put one's best face forward.

This life is not a rehearsal.

And while social media seemingly puts us at center stage,

It paradoxically takes us away from the moments which we snap up and the loved ones with whom we snap them.

We relive a quickly filtered past while ignoring the present and then live in others filtered pasts as well.

How many videos of concerts have been uploaded exposing hundreds of people holding up their smartphones,

Taking videos of the concert,

Themselves seeing the concert virtually rather than living it in real time?

We are literally simulating life.

And yet again,

This life is not a rehearsal.

Regardless of spiritual beliefs,

This is the only time each of us will be in our current physical forms on this planet in this moment.

Realizing this,

It feels absurd that so much time is spent insisting to others that we are having a good time in this life.

Really,

We are.

Promise.

Yet knowing all of this,

I didn't go so far as to delete my accounts entirely.

Living oceans apart from some of my favorite people on this planet has often meant that social media acts as a connective thread across time zones.

I am more likely to know if someone has moved or had a baby or if I can support their career or their art in some way because social media tells me before they do personally.

I can keep up with people's adventures and achievements and cheer them on when times are tough.

In no way am I suggesting that social media is all bad.

Social media has the capacity for great connection.

But unfortunately,

As noted,

It also has the capacity for great disconnection,

For a disassociation from our own realities and from the true realities of others.

So it seems that,

Like most things,

There is a balance and an inquiry required when approaching our virtual worlds.

Our intentions do matter.

One should seemingly approach the virtual world with the same inquiry one might approach a yoga practice.

How can we remain present to our lives?

And if we're living in a constant state of busyness and needing validation,

How do we pull back and begin the inner work that heals rather than ameliorates with filters and clicks?

In addition,

We must ask tough questions,

Witnessing our ego,

Our insecurities,

And our patterns.

What is the intention of posting a status or a photo?

What do we gain through the comments or the likes?

Sharing our world with others is literally the essence of life.

Yet,

What are we accomplishing by only sharing filtered versions of that world?

For whom are we living?

The hilarity of this talk is that,

When it is published,

The first thing I will do is share it to social media.

And for those with whom this talk resonates,

They might share it on social media too.

Yet,

It is my hope,

Not that you click like after listening to this content,

But that you turn off your device and stand outside and be present to your own world again.

Just as it is.

Or that you share a private moment with yourself or a loved one and tell no one about it and relish in it.

Thank you.

Namaste.

Reviews

Good reality check, your talks are real and positive

I definitely relate to what you’ve said. Going forward, I will ask myself, “what are my intentions?” when I’m about to post something.

A great perspective. This reiterates the importance of being present.

Very true!!! I found myself having insecure moments as well on Instagram in Spring 2020 right around when the pandemic hit. I decided that I was going to take a break but that break led to me never going back to Instagram again. Everything you talked about is exactly how I felt! Now, I try to be a lot more present in the real world rather than in virtual and social media worlds. I still use the internet to connect with family across the world, but it's more on a direct message rather than a feed with people following me. Very well written!

So on point. I did the same a few months ago and it’s been wildly eye opening and life giving for me.

This really articulated how I’ve been feeling about social media lately! Such a good talk, definitely inspired me to be more present IRL.

It resonates with my own nagging thought I’ve had about SM. Thank you for the honest view of the reality.

Thank you for this reflection, Julie. So very true. Let’s think about why we’re sharing on social media. Let’s live mindfully. This moment is all we have. Namaste.

Wow, this really hits home for me. Interesting how the Universe sends me what I need, when I need it, if only I pay attention. I’ve also been grappling with how all the advertising and “suggestions “ have taken over my social media accounts, and contribute to the clutter. Maybe I will start with a couple of days each week with no social media and see how that goes! Thank you for your thoughtful talk! 🙏

Thanks for talking about the “social media disconnect” that most of us fall into at times. Miss our Sunday IT yoga classes, and seeing your lovely pets. 🥰

Such a great reminder of the dichotomy of social media and our urge to share. I struggle with this and have been taking more time away from social media to try and center myself more often. Thank you for this message.
💜 Namaste 🙏🏻

Just what I needed to here and was feeling myself. Ty! Synchronicity 💜☮️ and I was thinking of sharing it on social media and heard the ending . So true and funny! I will share with some friends that have been feeling the same…and not delete my accounts like my husband did ( he’s not a musician like I am and doesn’t need to advertise anything) yet I will limit it to 15 min a day and take days off. ❤️☮️ namaste and peace to you .

Ever since I questioned my intent of posting on social media, my presence on it has decreased. This talk resonated plenty.

This resonates so much. I stopped posting regularly on social media about a year ago, which made a positive difference to my presence. Lately FOMO has been pulling me back but your talk has reminded me of why I made that choice.

Insightful way of looking at life. Through which lens do we view our lives at any given moment - our own, or the filtered one of social media? Thank you for this!

Thank you so much Julie. I totally agree with you. It's so wonderful to feel life with all our senses and be present for us and our people. Namaste. 🙏🏼💖

So powerful just what I needed. I removed the apps from my phone and just one full day free of social media distractions has truly been life changing. Thank you. All my love. Namaste.

Ayuda a reflexionar y me ha inspirado a querer estar más presente. Namasté!

An inspirational talk that really captures the essence of a "filtered life" when documenting magic moments on social media becomes more important than being in those moments, really relishing them - ratger than looking at them via our phone screen. No amount of likes will ever replace the feeling you get when being fully immersed in this moment, unfiltered and unguarded joy. Watch that sunset rather than taking 30 snaps and applying endless filters to make it the perfect image to post. Thank you Julie for this beautifully written and spoken insightful talk. X

So much truth. Good thing to consider to reflect going into the holidays and aa we embark on a new year ahead.