Quashing Gossip | August 17th, 2022 IT Live Event | Unedited

Description: Pretty much all considering joining this already know they’d like to gossip less so let’s dig into some teachings to really drive home the importance of quashing our gossip as we interactively share questions, feedback, contemplate, reflect, and explore solutions

The session includes contemplation, questions for reflection and inquiry, and various ways to master gossip.

Note: This is from an Insight Timer Live Event held last August 2022.

Transcript

Oh yeah,

Did you see that guy over there,

That old t-shirt on?

It's got that old shirt on with the buttons buttoned up all the way and chest hair still hanging out.

Oh,

Hey,

This is Josh,

The bold of integrating presence here with a Insight Timer Live event called Quashing Gossip,

Also on Wisdom app.

And the description for this event is,

Pretty much all considering joining this already know they'd like to gossip less.

So let's dig into some teachings to really drive home the importance of quashing our gossip as we interactively share questions,

Feedbacks,

Contemplate,

Reflect,

And explore solutions.

So let's just arrive in the room here and take three,

If you feel so called to join.

So three full breaths,

Completely present for every moment of the inhale,

Every moment of the exhale.

Okay,

You're welcome to stay in the semi-meditative state.

So I recently uncovered levels of shame.

So forgive me if this is,

If any of my notes come off as shaming on this,

But they were probably written before this uncovering,

But,

And also obviously I'm not beyond gossip myself.

While I'm more interested in events and ideas,

Overhearing things at cafes where a lot of this ideas came to me here,

They seem alien.

It's like me as an alien listening in to these people gossiping a lot.

And,

But I'm actually glad for this to have places like this cafes where I can actually even hear people gossip because a lot of times,

You know,

People are just on their devices.

They're just glued to their devices.

They're not even looking around.

You know,

Every once in a while you'll get people who've joined each other and we'll talk,

But yes.

And I'm,

This isn't gonna address most of the traditional workplace gossip.

I've been out of that scene for quite some time now.

So,

Which is actually,

I guess,

Okay,

Because the workplace gossip can be really dangerous,

I feel.

So,

But this can be applied to that.

I'm talking more just kind of like everyday gossip.

And if you,

Maybe this is not fair,

Maybe a little harsh,

But there are basically people that haven't started waking up or have no interest in really waking up.

There's like two major divisions.

There's the workers and the breeders.

So this doesn't apply mostly to the workers,

Worker programs.

This is more,

I guess,

Around the breeding programs.

So I also wanna not take this to the extremes of people not avoiding,

Not discussing uncomfortable things or occurrences and keeping secrets only to perpetrate harm.

So that's the other extreme of gossip where you don't wanna talk about anything or anybody at any time.

You wanna keep everything secret and hidden.

That's not what I'm talking.

I mean,

That's the other extreme of this too.

So that's not where we want this to lead either.

With as a teaser,

At the end of the month on the 29th,

I'm gonna be doing a Insight Timer Live on discerning deceptions.

So stay tuned for that.

Okay,

So now let's get into it.

Anybody here is welcome to share their experience with this gossip,

If they have any advice on it,

What's helped them with it.

Yeah,

Whatever they'd like to feedback on what I'm saying,

Questions for me.

It just share amongst each other too.

Okay,

So to get into this,

How much of our relationships are built around gossip?

You know,

Those types of friendships or acquaintanceships where just about every time people get together,

They're gossiping.

They're talking about other people,

Other things.

And so it's almost foreign,

Or it feels weird if that were to quit.

So I think that's one of the biggest things to consider for people who have relationships built on that.

What could possibly replace that?

And then how could there be a transition to replace that?

And then how do you go about talking about things like that with the other person,

If you're still interested in keeping the friendship,

Relationship,

Whatever?

So what I gathered with this as my little alien outsider look at this,

It actually,

It seems to enliven people's lives when they get together and talk about other people or gossip about things.

They seem to bring up more life in themselves because it just sparks this interest in something,

Right?

And in other people,

There's so many facets to this.

In a weird roundabout way,

There can be compassion when people are talking about other people.

A lot of times,

Somebody's got into some kind of something,

Some kind of issue,

Some kind of challenge.

And then talking about them,

It depends on how one responds and carries themselves.

But even if one's looking to gossip more and more and you're in the middle of a conversation,

You can actually use it as a opportunity without perpetuating gossip of being compassionate,

Speaking kindly about them,

Wanting to know or express that you'd actually wanna talk to them and see if you can help in any kind of way.

So how much of this is comparison when we get in gossip?

How much are we comparing ourselves to what's being gossiped about?

And then what kind of our ego is involved in this?

Is it coming from a place of,

Oh,

I wish I was actually more like them,

Even though I'm talking about that,

I wish I was that cool,

Or I'm so much better than that.

Look at these people,

We're so much better than these people doing these things kind of thing.

And then how much is reflective or indicative of the degree to which one values and validates one's own life and behavior?

So similarly here,

When we gossip,

How much does it show how much we value our own life and behavior with that comparison?

Are we saying,

They're over there,

That's not good enough or acceptable enough,

I'm more valuable than that?

And is that the best way,

Or is that the most skillful,

Wholesome,

Wise way that we wanna value ourselves by comparing to other people?

And how much does it also validate our own life and behavior?

Okay,

So when you get into the thick of gossip,

It's a lot of times it seems so juicy and so important and so irresistible.

But one of the biggest things that gets often overlooked here is what is the intent and reasons for involvement?

Even if we're just talking about someone.

So what is the reason for this?

What are we getting involved in when we gossip?

What's the purpose,

The why?

Alma says,

Gossip contributes to more us versus them,

And the world needs less of that,

Not more of that.

Very good.

Divide and conquer,

Right?

So as long as we can have an in group and an out group,

One of us,

Not one of us,

Divide,

Conquer,

People are easily more controlled that way.

So,

And then when people divide themselves,

Then they don't need a lot of external control from people in authority because they're already weakening themselves with that division,

That's right.

So how much are we trying to control other people via judgments and advice,

And not wanting it to happen to us or avoid that we may still do the same thing?

So how much are we trying to control other people and not wanting it to happen to us by gossiping about it?

Oh,

They're doing this.

I don't want that to happen to me.

Or maybe we're actually talking about someone,

But we've done the same thing or are we still doing the same thing,

But maybe we want them to kind of get caught and not us,

This type of thing.

And also the advice,

Right?

Like me,

Or if this is considered advice or not,

But when we gossip and we say,

Oh,

Well,

They should do this,

They should do that.

Can you believe that?

Why aren't they doing this?

If I was them,

I would do this.

So that kind of advice,

Is that kind of a protective mechanism saying that I don't want that to happen to me.

This is my armor and strategy,

My line of defense and plan of attack if something like this were to happen to me.

All right.

And of course that judgment,

We all know that,

Like if we're getting some kind of satisfaction from judging someone else,

That's the real judgment.

That's not helpful.

Different from evaluation.

Evaluation is saying,

Oh,

I see that I still honor you.

However,

That's not for me.

Okay.

Can and how much of unusual or foreign-like drama of others points out what's missing or not understood about one's own relationship?

So basically some people are fascinated.

You look at just dramas on TV and movies.

One of the reasons we go and see that and pay attention to other people and talk about them is because maybe what they're doing,

Their lives are so different than ours.

And we're trying to find out what's missing in our lives are what we don't understand about our own relationships.

So I think this is an important dynamic too,

To consider of one of the draws towards gossip.

So we're using someone else as kind of like a,

I don't know,

A stage show to apply,

To find out what's missing in our lives and are understood or not understood about the relationships we're in,

Trying to see,

Well,

How does that line up and match with the relationships I'm in?

And how much do we learn from what others are going through and how can we do so better without getting addicted to fueling unhelpful drama?

Again,

Yes,

We can learn a lot by observing folks.

So we don't have to go through the same mistakes they do,

Especially if they have some kind of insight into their challenges that they can share as well.

And so if we can learn from that without actually having to experience it for ourselves or something not helpful,

Particularly not helpful,

We can learn or we can be wise and know of something without having to go through it,

Then it's a potentially big help time saver too.

Okay,

So what do we find idle chatter and boring and what do we find juicy?

How much of our assessment is person specific?

Okay,

So when we find ourselves gossiping,

What makes it juicy?

What makes it worth talking about?

And then what makes a topic boring?

So if we can identify these,

Then I think it's very helpful into seeing what's actually driving some of this.

And then how much of our assessment of this is person specific?

Are we mostly we're gossiping maybe about a specific type of person?

Maybe there's a certain individual,

A certain group.

Maybe it's a certain type of,

I don't know,

Something or another that really gets us going.

And then there's maybe something else that we just have no interest in talking about.

So these identifying these triggers of what really feeds this gossip.

Okay,

So how can societal importance on an event affect how related or involved people gossip about?

That is extra chatter from a news item.

So if you see something in the news,

Right?

Notice how many more people are gonna be talking and gossiping about that one thing,

Just because it's making the rounds in the news compared to say,

Maybe,

I don't know,

A couple of weeks before and after,

Maybe a couple of months before and after,

What happened to all that gossip then?

So just because we see something on the news doesn't mean that it's worth gossiping about necessarily.

And being aware of that,

That these things in the media kind of feed people's interest in response for many different reasons,

And we'll go into here.

So now I invite you to do like this little,

Maybe a little practice here.

So recall a gossip session.

If you can just recall one,

And for a few moments,

And I'll go over these really again,

I'll read through them really briefly here,

And then we'll go back and spend a little bit of time on this.

Okay,

So in this gossip session that you're recalling,

What was emotionally triggering,

Emotionally amplifying,

Really amped up the emotions?

What was actually a relief and a release when gossiping?

And what part of it was gratifying,

And then how was it gratifying,

And a reinforcement to repeat this type of gossip or other gossip?

Okay,

So start from the beginning here.

I would just take a moment to reflect on a gossip session,

And let's try to recall what was emotionally triggering about it,

Like what actually,

What words were spoken or images that brought up emotions in us,

In you?

Okay,

Now,

Was there anything in that gossip session that was emotionally amplifying?

So not only did emotion get triggered or brought up,

And there's nothing wrong with emotions,

By the way,

You just wanna be mindful that they're there,

Right?

So was there one that something kind of occurred that was said or seen or realized that actually heightened the emotional level?

And now,

If we can recall,

When was there a release or a relief for during this gossip session?

What might've been said,

What were the phenomena or instances,

What happened around where there was like an emotional release or a relief?

Okay,

And so,

Identifying here for a few moments what was gratifying,

And what could be a reinforcement to repeat this or other gossip sessions?

So what was actually really gratifying about this,

Honestly,

And what is the reinforcement?

What is the common thread throughout other gossip sessions that helps back up and support and reinforce this repeating habit pattern?

So what was good about it and what will help it continue?

Okay,

So let me see if I can share just a little bit of feedback I got with this.

Emotional triggering,

It just,

And amplifying.

For that one,

For me,

It just seemed like when people really connect,

When we really connected,

And it's just like this mutual feeding and validation and really just kind of adding fuel to the fire when there's a mutual kind of support to keep going and ramping things up.

As far as a relief,

A release and a relief,

Sometimes it's just nice to meet with someone and to kind of just be seen and heard.

And without being really mindful,

Then sometimes things can turn to gossip.

So it's kind of second,

On the back burner to just actually being seen and heard by someone,

A friend or being around a friend too.

And then as far as the gratifying and reinforcement,

Sometimes there is a righteousness there.

Like,

Oh,

I'm,

Can you believe they did this?

I'm better than them,

You know?

And then getting a pat on the back from whoever we're gossiping with.

And yeah,

So that's the kind of positive feeling of reinforcement to kind of a negative thing.

Now,

To make another distinction here,

This is not just kind of confiding in a friend,

Right?

It's different,

This is different than just confiding in a friend about certain things as well.

Probably should have done a dictionary definition on gossip.

Okay,

So now on to how do we master this?

What are some things to consider about how we kind of master this gossip thing?

Meaning ending gossiping,

Not perpetuating,

Right?

So of course,

With a lot of these practices,

It's feeling what's happening in the body.

So noticing when those kind of euphoric feelings happen in the body that are around these things,

What kind of pleasantness there is in the body,

And then what kind of unpleasantness there is too.

Maybe we hear some crappy news and it does not feel pleasant in the body.

And then sometimes the gossip is a reaction to how unpleasant that feels in the body.

So mindfulness of the body.

So after we do identify some of these unskillful,

Unwise,

Unwholesome,

Unhelpful aspects that we've explored today,

We can consider the choice to stop feeding them,

Right?

So when we can identify this and see them clearly and know what's going on and what they could lead to and what they have led to,

And what they seem to be leading to if we continue,

Then more space opens up or there is a choice to take the foot off the gas and let the car coast to stop feeding what's going on.

And a lot of times,

One way is just more silence during the conversation too,

Or sometimes changing the subject works,

Sometimes it's a little awkward,

But adding emotions to what's going on is one way to fuel it.

So if there's an amount of agency over emotions and can still keep talking in a more equanimous way without reinforcing it with energy of certain types,

Right?

There's this classic saying that really helped me with this is that don't respond to drama and drama won't respond to you.

So of course,

When people get locked and entangled in drama,

It's just,

They want that response.

They feed off that response of getting entangled in more drama.

And so when we don't even respond to that,

Then eventually there's nothing there to feed on and no response is really gonna continue or come back then eventually.

I found in my experience anyway.

So notice where the value and worthiness is,

Where it's coming from,

Or where and how value and worthiness is missing.

So again,

Identifying where the value is in our conversations and where the worthiness is,

Are we deriving value from benevolent things,

Wise and skillful,

Wholesome things?

And are we getting worthiness,

Feeling worthy of,

You know,

What is the state of worthiness around,

You know,

Our conversations and our meetings with friends and people that we talk to?

And then also the absence of that,

Where do we feel we lack value?

Where do we feel we lack worthiness?

You know,

Where is worthiness missing?

And maybe that drives certain types of behavior too,

When worthiness doesn't feel like it's there,

Or one doesn't feel like they're being valued.

How can life be enlivened in the moment,

Especially with former gossip pals without always relying on external stimulus,

Right?

So a lot of times we have to talk about other people or get stimulus externally.

So how can we live more in the moment and still get that enlivening feeling and connection without always having to rely on the outside world?

I mean,

These are,

You know,

This is why I like group meditations is so cool,

As well as,

You know,

Practices like yoga,

Qigong.

So there's a type of connection,

But it's also internal and not always looking to the outside for feeling alive and in the moment.

And then also,

How can we identify what gossip games and programs,

Old and new,

Are running?

How can we develop new healthy habits to replace them?

So yeah,

Identifying these gossip games and programs,

Old and new,

How do we identify these?

I think the easiest way is just to know those relationships we have that are built on that.

So I'm gonna be a little old fashioned here and use that,

You know,

Talk about males and females and men and women here,

Okay?

Males bond,

Tend to bond more around shared interest,

Right?

Get together about things they have in common,

Like to do together,

And that's how men tend to bond more.

And then females tend to bond more around relationships.

So how can females gossip less while still deeply engaging in relationships?

So you don't wanna give up certain relationships.

And then,

And then how can males gossip less around shared interests too?

And I think,

You know,

Being absorbed in the present is probably one of the best ways,

In obvious ways here.

And of course,

Looking to identify common,

Easy to notice landmarks and reference points to help recognize patterns and traps.

During the gossip that shout,

Hey,

This is happening again,

I see it,

And now I can choose differently.

And then what are some of these better choices?

So maybe there's something where you talk about with some people get together and there's,

You know,

There's areas where we don't gossip,

Obviously,

But then,

You know,

Some little juicy tidbit comes up and then there's,

It's off to the races with the gossip,

Right?

And then there's,

You know,

It's off to the races with the gossip,

Right?

So what can we look for as reference points to help us recognize these points,

You know,

These reference points and patterns and traps when they happen?

Because a lot of times we just so kind of involved in the connection and the conversation that it just doesn't even register a lot of times that,

Oh,

Wait,

We've started gossiping,

We've maybe been gossiping for,

I don't know,

How many ever minutes and maybe it's dawns on later that it happens and then,

You know,

First how you recognize it and then how do you go about it so you don't look like you wanna exclude anybody or,

You know,

Make the other person feel,

You know,

Shameful for gossiping or just talking when a lot of times it's out of unconsciousness,

Right?

All right,

So to wrap this up here,

There's this quote I also like to,

As far as kind of an insight on this relating to other people,

Instead of the classical mirror teaching of,

You know,

Oh,

If I see that in another person,

That means I still have that to work on.

Well,

You know,

I'm not gonna totally write that off,

But consider this too as another way to deal with those mirror teachings that what we notice about others is what we've already addressed in ourselves.

So if we can identify something in somebody else,

It's basically saying,

Oh,

Hey,

I've encountered that before.

I'm already familiar with that and I have addressed it in my life.

So,

You know,

Now how we've addressed it and to what degree and what kind of wisdom and insight we have on it and how much love we have around it may be a different story,

But I find that's a helpful way to view some of the mirror teachings too.

And then this is my ultimate goal with this and I'm way short of it.

It's to talk to people,

Not about people.

So if we're talking about someone and they're not there,

You know,

That's not really that fair so much for them.

It's just kind of not really kind of called for kind of dishonoring,

Disrespectful too.

So,

All right,

With that,

Thank you all for joining and may you enjoy the rest of the day and talk to people as much as you can and less about people.