Why Positive Affirmations Fail: Avoid This #1 Mistake - E13

Positive affirmations seem like a brilliant idea: repeat one and.. voilà! All better. So why do they sometimes feel like lies? My frustration with this self-help tool inspired me to discover why they didn’t work for me and what to do about it. In this episode, learn why you shouldn't force yourself to think positively, the #1 mistake people make about positive affirmations and a 10-step process you can use to get better results.

Transcript

Hello,

I'm Annie Moussou,

A certified EFT tapping master practitioner.

I help women build confidence,

Set boundaries,

And enjoy healthy relationships.

Welcome to my podcast,

Hush Your Mind,

Building a better relationship with yourself.

On this show,

I offer practical wisdom to help you clear fears,

Limiting beliefs,

And trauma so that you can gracefully create a life you love.

Welcome to episode number 13 of my podcast,

Hush Your Mind,

Building a better relationship to yourself.

Today,

I'll be giving you tips on how to make positive affirmations work.

Positive affirmations are everywhere.

As you may know,

They're short phrases you repeat to change yourself for the better,

Like,

I'm confident,

I'm worthy,

I'm abundant.

Have you tried using one?

Positive affirmations seem like a brilliant idea.

Repeat one,

And voila,

All better.

So why do they sometimes feel like lies?

Positive affirmations seem to work for everyone else.

What gives?

I've been there.

My frustration with this self-help tool inspired me to find out why they didn't work for me and what to do about it.

So how do positive affirmations work?

According to author Louise Hay,

Positive affirmations send the message to our mind that we're taking responsibility for changes in our life.

Our internal dialogue,

What we tell ourselves on a daily basis,

Plays an important role in our relationships,

Family,

Money,

Work,

And health.

Some people use the word mantras to talk about positive affirmations,

But mantras are spiritual words or sounds,

Often in Sanskrit,

That help us concentrate and deepen our meditation practice,

Like Aum,

Love,

And peace.

Mantras aren't used to consciously rewire our brain towards a certain outcome.

So what's the premise of positive affirmations?

If we focus on positive thoughts,

We'll attract positive experiences.

Even if you're not into anything woo-woo,

It makes sense that if we focus on positive thoughts,

We'll feel more empowered.

But it's much more complex than that.

Here's the number one mistake people make about positive affirmations.

Louise Hay says that we have to not only repeat or think positive affirmations as much as possible every day,

But we also have to feel good.

That's a tall order for someone who struggles with their inner critic,

That voice in our head that says we're never good enough.

I remember how hopeless I felt when I used positive affirmations.

You're lying to yourself.

Who does that?

You're dumb.

So I gave up.

Then a light bulb went off.

What if I embraced these negative thoughts?

What could I learn?

If thinking I love myself all day makes you feel worse,

Take a step back.

That's a sign that you have deeply ingrained beliefs that aren't serving you.

Beliefs like I'm not good enough.

I'm not worthy.

I'm a failure.

The biggest mistake people make about positive affirmations is slapping them on top of their negative beliefs.

Positive affirmations work at the surface level of our conscious mind,

While our beliefs live in our subconscious.

So if we believe deep down that we're unworthy of success,

Our actions will be colored by that belief.

As a result,

It'll be much more difficult for us to succeed.

But it's not the end-all.

We can use positive affirmations to highlight parts of us that need to be healed so that we can live a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

Try these 10 steps to make positive affirmations work.

1.

Relax in a quiet spot.

On your sofa,

In an office chair,

Or in bed.

Whatever you like.

Make sure it's quiet enough so that you can hear yourself thinking.

You'll see what I mean in a bit.

Step number 2.

Pick a positive affirmation.

Some examples are,

I love and accept myself.

I'm beautiful.

I'm worthy.

I'm good enough.

I'm confident.

Step number 3.

Say the positive affirmation.

You can say it in your mind or out loud.

If you like to write,

You can jot it down in your journal.

Some people say the positive affirmation while looking at themselves in a mirror.

Step number 4.

Observe your thoughts.

Right after you say the positive affirmation,

Observe any thoughts,

Emotions,

Images,

Or physical sensations that arise.

Simply notice any resistance.

Do you get a sinking feeling in your stomach?

Does your throat tighten?

What emotions are you feeling?

What thoughts or images race through your mind?

Step number 5.

Allow your thoughts to flow.

Resisting negative thoughts and emotions amplifies them.

If we allow them to just be,

They'll often float away on their own.

Brace yourself though for a barrage of put-downs like,

You can't do it.

Stop being silly,

Loser.

Give up now.

EFT tapping can greatly reduce the tension.

Just try this.

Use four fingers of one hand to tap on the side of the other hand while saying or thinking this phrase three times.

Even though I don't feel confident or fill in with another positive trait,

I accept myself anyway.

Then tap on the other acupuncture points while saying,

I don't feel confident.

Tap on whatever arises next.

If you've never tried tapping,

You can learn the basic steps to EFT in my podcast episode number 3.

Okay,

Step number 6.

Contemplate why this positive affirmation feels false.

So if you picked the positive affirmation,

I'm good enough,

Ask yourself,

Why do I think I'm not good enough?

Consider the times you felt not good enough.

Did parents,

Caregivers,

Or teachers neglect you?

Did a classmate bully you as a kid?

Does it seem impossible to satisfy your boss?

Does your partner criticize your body?

Step number 7.

Accept past hurts.

It hurts so much,

But even more so when we hang on.

Take it from Anaya's Nin,

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Reckless sobbing and journaling are encouraged.

You can also use EFT tapping to clear painful memories.

Step number 8.

Look out for signs that validate a positive affirmation.

With the example of I'm good enough,

Pay attention to big and small things.

I made a healthy breakfast and took a walk.

I'm taking care of myself.

I strive to do my best at work.

I'm learning how to communicate better in my relationship.

Have fun with this.

Treat it like a game and see how many moments you can catch throughout your day that validate the positive affirmation.

Step number 9.

Enjoy how good it feels.

You've excavated parts of yourself that needed to heal and took care of your emotional wounds.

You've confronted painful emotions and now you're moving on to better things.

That's no mean feat.

Take the time to acknowledge your progress.

And finally,

Step number 10.

Repeat steps 3 to 9 until the positive affirmation feels true.

Old beliefs die hard.

It's normal to cycle through the same issue a dozen times before you feel at peace with it.

Each time you visit an emotional wound,

You heal a little bit more.

Ultimately,

Proving our worthiness to ourselves or others has its limits though.

Our inner critic tends to never be satisfied.

That's why it's far more fulfilling to accept our shadow self.

If you have trouble using positive affirmations,

Try this.

Alright,

Just keep in mind that steps 5 to 8 are the most challenging.

Don't sweat it.

Expect setbacks and try one of these tips below.

Do not force yourself to think positively.

It seems counterintuitive,

But you won't make progress if it feels fake.

Allowing negative thoughts to flow heals,

Not self-deception.

Embrace your negative thoughts.

Breathe deeply and listen lovingly to your negative thoughts as if you were holding a child crying over her bad day.

Reframe your past.

It's not easy to sit with pain from a negative experience.

Ask yourself,

What has this experience taught me?

Nothing is ever lost.

Apply those lessons to your life and harvest the benefits.

Be patient.

Remember,

You're undoing years of old habits.

Changing your mindset takes time and practice.

And reach out for support.

We all need support to overcome obstacles.

So,

Are positive affirmations worth the effort?

Yes.

If we use them as a tool to understand ourselves better,

Positive affirmations can shine some light on what needs to heal and which beliefs hold us back.

Forcing ourselves to fit into a positive affirmation is like squeezing ourselves into a pair of two small jeans,

Then having the button fly off and ricochet us in the head.

Please don't blind yourself.

Instead,

Use positive affirmations to gauge your mindset,

Accept where you are,

And let the truth set you free.

Thank you so much for joining me in this episode of Hush Your Mind.

If you enjoyed it,

Please feel free to visit my about page on my InsightTimer profile for my website and follow me for new content and live EFT tapping sessions.

May you have the courage to love and accept yourself.

Be well and take care.