Why I Stopped Expecting Too Much From Friends - E4

I learned to stop expecting too much from friends after many painful and beautiful friendships. While it’s noble to have high expectations, they often lead us to disappointment. Having too-low expectations doesn’t fulfill us. It’s far better to have realistic expectations. Listen to this episode to learn why expectations and boundaries go together, how to assess and choose your friendships and why it's essential to find joy within.

Transcript

Hello,

I'm Annie Musu,

A certified EFT tapping master practitioner.

I help women build confidence,

Set boundaries and enjoy healthy relationships.

Welcome to my podcast,

Hush Your Mind,

Building a better relationship with yourself.

On this show,

I offer practical wisdom to help you clear fears,

Limiting beliefs and trauma so that you can gracefully create a life you love.

In today's episode,

I'm going to talk about why I stopped expecting too much from friends.

I've learned a lot about myself and codependency from many painful and beautiful friendships,

And it's a pleasure to share my insights with you.

You'll learn why expectations and boundaries go together,

How to assess and choose your friendships,

And why it's essential to find joy within.

So I'm curious,

Did you have a BFF when you were little?

A best friend forever?

In the summer,

Jess and I loved to fling water balloons at each other in the front yard.

She taught me how to play green sleeves on the piano.

We devoured her mom's lasagna while watching cartoons on Sundays.

Then one day,

Jess told me a secret.

Since that secret made me feel uneasy,

I told my mom.

I didn't know my mom would tell Jess's mom.

The next time I visited Jess,

She passed the ball to others,

But not to me.

She didn't offer me a slice of lasagna.

Jess never spoke to me again for the next 15 years.

I had lost my best friend because of one mistake.

As a 7-year-old,

I couldn't just get over it.

I felt abandoned and unworthy.

I became needy in friendships to hold onto whatever love I could get.

Believe it or not,

I still felt this way as an adult.

After many painful and beautiful friendships,

I finally learned to stop expecting too much from friends.

While it's noble to have high expectations,

They often lead us to disappointment.

Having too low expectations doesn't fulfill us.

It's far better to have realistic expectations of friends.

We can then accept our friends' flaws and enjoy their presence more.

First of all,

We learn how to stop seeking external validation and find joy within.

But lowering our expectations isn't easy,

Especially for recovering perfectionists.

No one wants to invite jerks into their lives.

Here are some things to keep in mind.

Expectations and boundaries go hand in hand.

When we assume that a friend will be on time to a coffee or try not to hurt our feelings,

That's an expectation.

Boundaries indicate what's okay and not okay with us.

It's about how we take care of ourselves despite others.

Expectations are directed externally,

While boundaries are all about us.

But expectations and boundaries inform each other.

So for example,

If we feel upset because a friend often cancels last minute,

We learn that we have a boundary about respecting our time.

When we communicate our boundary,

We can expect our friend to honor it.

And if they repeatedly don't,

We might end the friendship.

There are nine essential boundaries.

Here are some examples.

The first one is time.

So the example could be,

I need my friends to be punctual to hang out.

Number two,

Needs.

Keeping in touch every month is essential to me.

Third one is reciprocity.

It's unacceptable that a friend contacts me only for help.

Four,

Sharing info.

I prefer to not talk about money with my friends.

I'd be happy to talk about work and relationships.

Five,

Values.

I have a right to ask that my friends respect my political views without trying to persuade me to change.

Six,

Emotional self-care.

I can listen to a distressed friend,

But I won't fix the problem for her.

Seven,

Attitude.

To protect my time and energy,

I don't want to hang out with Debbie Downers.

I want fun and positive friends.

Eight,

Support.

Friends may not give me unsolicited advice.

And nine,

Saying no.

I'm allowed to politely decline.

So those are just examples.

Every person has their own different boundaries,

And they're all very unique.

The most important thing is communicate your expectations and boundaries.

Ask your friends about theirs too.

That way you can agree on how to honor each other,

Avoid unnecessary conflict,

And become even closer.

So the other thing that I'd encourage you to do is to assess your friendships.

Years ago,

My partner,

Luik,

Described to me his quote unquote categories of friends as concentric circles.

He and I are at the core,

His close friends in the next circle,

Acquaintances in the one after that,

And everyone else in the outermost circle.

Simple enough.

But at the time,

The idea of ranking friends shocked me,

As if I were comparing the nutrition facts on boxes of pasta at the store.

I preferred to see my friends,

However close they were to me,

As one happy mishmash of potential human connection.

Oh,

The idealist in me.

But then I felt disappointed when an acquaintance didn't open up more.

Somehow I didn't quite feel safe when I told my deepest,

Darkest secrets to one of my best friends.

Yet I was also extremely grateful to have at least one person in my life with whom I could be completely myself.

That's when I realized that I was expecting too much from certain friends.

They couldn't be what I wanted them to be.

Once I gauged my friendships,

Though,

My expectations became realistic,

Freeing me from resentment,

Guilt,

And shame.

Psychotherapist Victoria Lorient-Fabish recommends assigning our friends to A,

B,

C,

And D categories,

So that we don't have A expectations from a person that belongs in a C group.

Group A,

For example,

Could be your dearest friends with whom you feel safe to be 100% yourself.

You don't judge each other.

They've earned your trust.

Group B is your close friends who you trust less than A group friends.

Group C is acquaintances,

Coworkers,

Downgraded B group friends,

And friends of friends.

And group D is people with whom you're obligated to be social,

Like your boss,

Some coworkers,

Certain family members.

We don't have to feel guilty about assessing friendships.

I know it's a weird concept,

But friendships can evolve.

Making sure our expectations align with the present moment,

Align with the people who are in front of us,

Saves us from so much frustration and resentment.

Another thing to keep in mind is choose friends with similar core values.

So when one of my dearest friends announced her plan to visit me,

I was overjoyed.

We hadn't seen each other for three years.

It'd also be the occasion to meet her fiance.

But the thrill in my pounding heart quickly dwindled.

My partner and I had just enough money for that month,

And we were thinking,

Oh,

If they visit,

We can't even pay for outings or restaurants.

How embarrassing.

And I confessed the problem to my friend who understood and kindly offered to pay,

But she had one condition.

She didn't want her generosity to be a burden for me.

And I'm sure glad that I was able to receive,

Because we all had a marvelous time dining along the Loire River and wine tasting in troglodyte cellars.

My friend and I reinforced the bond we've had since high school.

Even though I lead a simple life,

And my friend an extravagant one,

We've always shared similar core values like honesty,

Creativity,

And growth,

The ideals that make us tick and guide our actions.

Of course,

It's possible to appreciate friends with vastly different beliefs and opinions than ours,

But choosing close friends with similar values keeps expectations in check and motivates us to uphold those values,

Our common heartbeat.

And the last thing I'd like for you to keep in mind is find joy within.

I mean,

One of the biggest mistakes,

Quote unquote mistakes we can make is to expect friends or anyone for that matter to validate our worth.

And I really want to insist on the quotation marks around mistakes,

Because mistakes are ultimately learning opportunities.

When we feel worthy in large part because of our achievements,

Looks,

Money,

Or others' praise and appreciation,

We set ourselves up for disappointment,

Because our joy depends on volatile things.

So similarly,

It's unreasonable to expect your friends to completely understand you.

I used to count on my best friend to approve every one of my feelings before I could move on from a problem.

And despite my many explanations,

They couldn't always understand how I felt,

Which made me sigh in frustration and despair.

And I came to realize that no one can truly get you except you.

We all come from different backgrounds.

Friends can guide us,

But we have to take the next step ourselves.

So instead of expecting our friends to give us peace,

Love,

And joy,

We can empower ourselves by nourishing these ideals on our own.

Pour your feelings into a journal.

Dance alone to blasting salsa.

Self-care goes a long way.

Then when we hang out with friends,

We'll spend less time complaining and more time laughing or just enjoying each other's presence.

And there's this beautiful quote by Miguel Ruiz.

It says,

If you take your happiness and put it in someone's hands,

Sooner or later she is going to break it.

If you give your happiness to someone else,

She can always take it away.

Then if happiness can only come from inside of you and is the result of your love,

You are responsible for your happiness.

So take responsibility for your life.

While it's fair to expect friends to support us,

The ultimate victory is taking responsibility for your life.

That means instead of blaming and expecting friends' approval,

We pursue what we want anyway.

We learn from past hurts and treat ourselves kindly.

We are the dearest friend we have.

So cultivate your personal garden of joy.

Plant lilacs and lavender for your own pleasure.

Then when you invite friends over,

They can enjoy the perfume of your labor.

So let's wrap up.

Here are the main takeaways that I'd like for you to walk away with.

Have realistic expectations of friends.

Be clear about your boundaries,

Which are ultimately all about how you take care of yourself,

Despite what others say or do.

Assess your friendships so that you have realistic expectations for each friend.

Choose friends with similar core values.

Don't expect friends to validate your worth.

Find joy within so that you can better enjoy the present moment and your friendships.

Thank you so much for joining me in this episode of Hash Your Mind.

If you enjoyed it,

Please feel free to write a review.

Visit my profile and follow me to get notifications about new content and live group tapping sessions.

If you have any questions,

Comments,

Or suggestions,

Just send me a DM.

I'd love to hear from you.

May you have the courage to love and accept yourself.

Be well and take care.

Bye.

Transcribed by https://otter.

Ai

Reviews

It was exactly what I needed as I’m struggling with a friendship issue. Thank you so much.🙏🏽

Excellent suggestions 🌟 Thank you and wishing you well, too.

Interesting that at 71 I’m still learning about building, maintaining, and ending friendships. Thanks for your insights and analysis, they are very reinforcing, Annie.
Donna

Great Content!!! Self responsibility discussion; I hope we can discuss how this mentality affects how we approach our lives in general 💕🥰

Thank you for that talk! As someone who is working toward closer friendships this is a very nice guiding principal.

This was really good instruction. I found a great deal to consider. Thank you 🙏

I needed to hear this. Better to learn to have healthy relationships than avoiding them in fear of being hurt. Thank you. Very useful. 🙏🌻