If you're a mum who feels like your nervous system is constantly on high alert,
The to-do lists,
The emotional responsibility,
The poor sleep.
Then this video is for you.
And I'm not just talking about normal,
Anxious mom stress.
I'm talking about the kind of anxiety that keeps you replaying things at night,
That stops you from wanting to go out and interact with people,
And that leaves you questioning your life decisions.
Nothing is wrong with you,
But something is going on.
And so in today's video,
I'd like to talk about what is happening and how you can help to support yourself.
My name's Hayley,
I'm a holistic integrative psychotherapist and I specialize in working with sensitive souls like you.
So first of all,
What does it mean to be sensitive?
Well,
Elaine Aron coined the term highly sensitive person.
She also talks about sensory processing sensitivity.
And she has found through her research that around 15 to 20% of the population have got sensory processing sensitivity.
And this isn't a disorder.
It's a temperament trait rather than a personality trait.
So it's something that usually people are born with.
This is different to personalities which,
When combined with our temperament,
Are created as a result of our conditioning and our environment.
What this means in practice is that you process things more deeply than people who are not highly sensitive.
So you might feel more overwhelmed than others in noisy environments,
Or you might attune to other people's emotions more strongly.
But when combined with motherhood,
This can make sensory processing sensitivity even harder to manage because you've then got constant noise interrupted sleep,
The emotional responsibility and emotional attunement when having to think about another tiny person 24-7.
And the mental cognitive load that goes with that.
Not that you are weak or that you're doing it wrong,
It's just that your nervous system means that the experience of motherhood could potentially be a little bit more challenging.
You may start to feel more overwhelmed than mothers who are not sensitive and that overwhelm can then tip into anxiety.
Brain imaging studies have shown that highly sensitive people have greater activation in the brain areas linked to empathy and awareness.
And so when your child is crying or when there's tension in the room,
You are feeling those emotional tensions more deeply.
Your nervous system is literally collecting more information and more data than someone who is not highly sensitive.
And so when you add motherhood into that,
You've got constant stress.
Porcelain irritability,
Emotional responsibility.
Mental cognitive load,
It's no wonder that you're going to feel overwhelmed and anxious.
And then combine that with possibly good girl conditioning.
From early on in your life that is also related to holding the emotional responsibility for others,
Then that's not going to help either.
And so here you've got a perfect storm.
Your nervous system will be Bearing the brunt,
It is not easy to juggle all of those things,
Especially when your nervous system feels more deeply.
Processes information more deeply and needs more rest.
And so when your nervous system is on high alert,
You are actually more sensitive to threats.
Because your nervous system is.
.
.
Responsible for detecting threat in the environment and for protecting you.
So normally if our nervous system is regulated we're in rest and digest.
But if we're on high alert,
It means that we're in a fight or flight state.
And so the nervous system is more hypervigilant.
Experience that as being more jumpy You might misinterpret negatively what someone has said.
You might even feel panic when the phone rings.
These are all symptoms of a dysregulated nervous system and so naturally if your nervous system is dysregulated and it's looking for threats You're also going to have anxious thoughts because anxiety is kind of protective as well.
Anxiety is another word for worrying about the future.
It's related to fear.
And so if we are fearful of something,
It means that we're not going to do that thing that is threatening.
And so this is actually a really clever protective mechanism.
That's happening in your mind and body,
Except it's gone slightly.
.
.
It's slightly overestimating the severity of the threat because it's not helping,
It's actually holding you back.
Or it may be a signal that something needs to change.
And so what can happen over time is that those anxious thoughts then become habitual anxious thoughts,
And you don't necessarily need the threat in the environment for those anxious thoughts to keep on looping.
So what actually helps?
Well,
I'm going to give you four tools,
Four things that you can try to reduce your anxiety.
Number one is to regulate before you respond.
So in order to be able to respond calmly to your children or your partner or to someone else You need to be in a somewhat regulated state yourself.
It's almost impossible to co-regulate as in to support someone else with their emotions.
If you're not coming from a more stable state.
So one of the best tools that's scientifically based is breathwork.
And one of my favorite types of breathwork is called extended exhales.
So all you would need to do is breathe in for four through the nose for a count of four.
And then exhale for a count of six.
And do that perhaps for a minute.
And just notice how you feel.
And what that does is the extended exhale activates the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system.
This is the rest and digest branch of your nervous system.
So it's really calming,
Really soothing and regulating.
Number two is to reduce your sensory input intentionally.
So because your nervous system is very sensitive to the environment,
The environment matters more to you than it might to someone else.
And so it's really important to be intentional.
So you could try reducing the amount of digital noise in the morning.
So perhaps don't switch your phone on or You might need your phone for your alarm,
So keep your phone on aeroplane mode.
For at least the first hour of the morning.
You could also try reducing background noise during your day.
You could try dimming the lights in the evening just to help your body to wind down or playing ambient music or different kinds of music depending on the kind of mood that you're wanting to be in.
These kinds of environmental shifts can be really simple,
Can be really small,
But are really powerful for helping you to feel calmer and more regulated.
Number three is self-compassion.
So there's been loads of research done by a psychologist called Kristin Neff.
She's a compassion expert.
And she found that self-criticism actually increases stress hormones.
So the way that you speak to yourself literally changes your physiology.
So the antidote is to think about how you speak to yourself.
You could try some positive affirmations,
But don't just look for something on the internet.
Try and write out a couple that are very personal to you.
And so you could say something like,
I am a sensitive person navigating something that's really hard.
And so that acknowledges the reality of the challenge that you're experiencing,
Compassionate and kind.
And so saying statements like this or affirmations consistently and repeatedly actually rewires your brain.
It rewires the way that you habitually think and speak to yourself.
It's really worth giving it a go.
It might sound too good to be true,
But honestly,
Try it out if you haven't tried it.
Number four is micro boundaries.
So anxiety can get worse when you are carrying more emotional responsibility than you can hold.
The word boundaries can sound loaded,
It can sound a bit like putting your walls up or something big and dramatic that needs courage.
On a micro-boundary level,
This is less daunting.
This is all about very small stakes,
Easy changes,
Incremental changes.
So it could be something like.
.
.
Not answering messages immediately like you normally would,
Waiting until you're ready to respond.
Or it could be something like leaving an overstimulating environment a little bit earlier than planned,
But perhaps try practicing what you're going to say beforehand so that you don't feel stuck or trapped when it comes to it.
These kinds of small boundaries are much more doable and over time they can really help you to prevent getting too overwhelmed in the process.
Situations that require interactions with others.
There are some things that don't work.
So for example,
Generic anxiety advice just might not cut it for people with highly sensitive systems.
And so on their own,
Breathwork,
Mindfulness and journaling,
They sound great and they can be amazing for a lot of people.
They are missing one piece of the puzzle,
Potentially,
And that is the sensory piece of the puzzle.
As well as also looking at your early conditioning.
So,
For example,
Holding emotional responsibility for others.
And so that's why a lot of people do come to me and they say that they've tried therapy before,
But it didn't quite help them in the way that they had hoped.
And so if you're looking for therapy or you're looking for support,
Make sure that you're also considering your nervous system,
The environment and your early life conditioning as well.
And especially when thinking about the nervous system.
The approach really that you want to take is one that creates genuine safety in the body and in the mind and that doesn't happen overnight.
It takes time.
The nervous system takes time to respond to the way that you're treating it and to the changes,
The positive changes that you're making.
So finally,
I just want to say that you're not doing it wrong and you haven't failed.
You're just a sensitive person that's living in a world that makes it difficult for you to process things in a way that works for you.
And that does take its toll.
But when it's understood and supported,
Sensitivity can stop being a liability and can really be a gift.
