Radical Responsibility In Relationships-LL&L W Glenn Ambrose

Radical responsibility is a foundational piece of inner work. It plays a huge role in finding the peace, happiness, and empowerment we all seek. It also plays a huge role in relationships. If we want to be in a healthy relationship, we have to stop looking outward at others and turn inward. As we do the inner work, we begin to be attracted to healthier people and recognize dysfunction much quicker. This is an example of something I often say: All work is self-work.

Transcript

Welcome to Life Lessons and Laughter with your host Glenn Ambrose.

Hey everybody welcome to the show.

I just hit 555 as the recording started.

So here we are talking Happy New Year to everybody.

This is being recorded January 2nd 2024.

So yeah today what a great way to start the new year.

I was looking back and I don't think I've done a podcast on this specifically which kind of surprises me because radical responsibility is such a huge topic.

It's you know I mean I know I've touched on in other podcasts but so I'm gonna dive into radical responsibility in relationships because that's what kind of sparked this podcast.

A childhood friend of mine made a post and and it got the wheels turning so I commented on it and we went back and forth a little bit.

So so yeah I'm gonna start with the relationships.

I don't know if it's gonna go into another area because radical responsibility is really the foundation of spiritual living in my perspective.

It's the foundation for happy living.

You know when I got when I first woke up it was through getting sober and people were like what happened to you because they could tell I was different and that was one of the first things that I said 20 years ago is I said you know I I found out that my life was all messed up because of the things that I had done.

I had played a part in messing my life up.

All the things that went wrong I played a part in and now that I know better I can do better.

So it was really kind of it it was taking radical responsibility in a way that it stopped me from pointing the finger outward and blaming everything other than myself.

You know I was the common denominator that I never saw like all these bad things happen to me and and all these bad experiences and all these bad breaks and all these bad people and all these bad situations and the one thing that they all had in common was me and I never saw that you know I never saw it that way and until you really see it that way I'm pardon me I'm still getting over the little cold I had so you know until I saw it that way I couldn't take responsibility for my life and really make the changes that I needed to make so we all need to do this and I understand that you know I was wrapped up in alcoholism back then but that wasn't my only dysfunction and then when I got sober you know I started working with alcoholics and addicts but then eventually I started working with everyone and I found out like oh my god like everybody's battling the same stuff it's the same problems you know and if you look around some of the stuff you know it's the same in the macrocosm as it is in the macrocosm so what's going on in our own lives on a smaller level we can see in a larger scale in society and if you one thing that we see in society is people arguing about everything you know so radical responsibility can help that and I'll get into how but you know in relationships every kind of in a way everything is relationship based whether it's a romantic relationship a relationship with your family friends business like that they're more alike than they are different relationships all different types of relationships because they have to have a foundation of respect and honesty and trust and things like that to make them healthy if they don't have those things if you don't have any respect in a business relationship it's going to be a crappy business relationship if you don't have any respect in a romantic relationship you're going to have a crappy romantic relationship if you don't have any respect in a family relationship it's going to be a crappy family relationship this is what I mean like that the foundation of them the things that that we really need to anchor on and do the work on are it's the same no matter what relationship we're looking at the building blocks the basic building blocks of the foundation are the same and if we fix those that's what's going to fix the relationships so you know this is how I do all my work it's like most of the time you know what people are trying to figure out like how to get along with their boss who gives a crap how to get along with your boss how about learning how to get along with everyone forever how about learning that because it's really basic and it's very simple and if I'm not saying it's easy to do but once you make those changes and you interact in a way that you can develop healthy relationships it's going to improve all your relationships not only that you have but all the ones you'll ever have until you die I like that I'd like to do that please you know instead of going like oh I'm gonna have a conversation about a 25 cent raise with my boss and if I phrase it correctly our relationship will enhance it's a waste of time in my opinion fix everything so specifically you know I'm gonna come in the door of romantic relationships that's what this post was about now to preface this there is a rise in the divine feminine I think most people can see that most people listening to this can see that we've been out of balance for a very long time and you know we've been basically running the world through toxic masculinity not just masculinity toxic masculine masculinity there's a difference excuse me but masculinity has good parts I did a podcast on this already so I'm not going to get into it but but masculinity has good and bad to it and when it's in balance you really see the good when it's out of balance you really see the bad so we've been so out of balance we're into the toxic aspects of masculinity which is caused a lot of the problems the wars the acquisition mentality you know all that type of stuff so we've been out of balance for tens of thousands of years and we're coming back into balance so the rise of the divine feminine is happening and it's wonderful that this is happening and we need it and it's great and it's wonderful and I love it it's just what happens a lot of times when we're when a correction is being made we over correct and it's because of the pendulum you know and I'm just gonna touch on this briefly because I know I've talked about this many times but like if you picture a pendulum hanging down it takes energy to be in this function so we're way over to the left and toxic masculinity when you let go of the pendulum when you let go when you release the energy that's holding it up in the air the pendulum swings to the other side just naturally so it over corrects and then it comes back to Center so this is often what happens and if we if if we're clear on that and we expect it and we understand that that's what's happening we can course correct so much quicker to get back into balance and instead of swinging way over to the level of dysfunction into the feminine energy toxic feminine because feminine energy has toxic aspects to it as well it's when it's out of balance so when we go too far into the feminine that becomes toxic as well so we do not want that and this is what we need to like this is a big part about why I'm having this conversation is because we're we're over correcting to some degree and radical responsibility in relationships can help this especially in relationships so if we're clear that we it's common to turn into your own enemy so like when you've been oppressed if a group of people have been oppressed that's what power looks like power looks like what the oppressor is and if you don't keep that in mind what happens is you become the oppressor you just become what you okay so that's what an overcorrection looks like so if we go from men putting down women and suppressing feminine energy over to women putting down men and oppressing male energy all we're going to do is go from one dysfunction to another dysfunction you know where and it's it's going to suck for everybody you know I mean people people's egos you know feminine egos might get a stroke for a while because they're in charge but I mean it's meaningless it's just it's dysfunctional as men being in charge you know so what I want is for us all to be one and I think that that's what we all want really deep down if you get rid of the ego oh I want to be in charge for a while because I've been crapped on that's purely ego so if we get out of that and we just go okay what's healthy let's get to healthy so everybody can be happy that's what we all want we don't want to it doesn't feel good like I'm a grounded male right I don't run around putting women down because like male energy still dominates why do I not do that I suppose I could right I'm a white male so I should be able to go run around oppressing whoever the hell I want that's in theory I don't want to why because it doesn't feel good it doesn't make me feel good to do that to other people because it's negative energy it's bad so I don't it doesn't empower me it doesn't feel good to oppress other people so this is what we need to keep in mind that's I'm not like saying oh women you don't get your chance to oppress I'm saying women you don't want your chance to oppress because it sucks you know it doesn't feel good if you're living from the heart if you're living egoically and just want to crap all over everybody then go ahead I mean you you know you can do that I don't know why you would but so and and I mean men and women can do this because men and women have both masculine and feminine energy so you know I'm generalizing a little bit here to make a point but I mean a man can go use toxic feminine energy to to oppress or sign if they wanted but anyway let's just stay on point so what I'm seeing you know is in a radical responsibility perspective is people always pointing the finger at other people oh it's the Republicans fault it's Democrats fault it's it's Hamas's fault it's Egypt's fault it's Russia's fault you know it's Ukraine's fault it's just like it's endless it's picking sides and pointing fingers at things that we have no control over that's outside of us it's men's fault it's women's fault like we have to stop pointing the finger outward and we have to take radical responsibility for our own lives okay and how this you know you see it all the time on social media I mean all the time people going oh don't you hate it when people aren't there for you when they when you were there for them you know you don't allow don't put up with like men need to be better that they need to be good and most women will suffer because men are bad no most women don't suffer because men are bad most women suffer in you know in relationships now this is really what I'm diving into here so bear with me a little bit because this is kind of a trigger moment right I'm gonna say some stuff that can trigger especially the women now just so bear with me because that's not my intention I'm not trying to piss you off I'm actually trying to help okay and it's gonna help men too if they can understand this because there is that rise of the divine feminine and we have a tendency to go do a little bit too far so some of the post instead of being focused on women doing the work on themselves is saying basically the post the wording of these posts a lot of them kind of assume that women are all set like there's there's nothing wrong with the woman there's something wrong with the men okay and it doesn't matter if it's women or men or Democrats or Republicans or right left or or any other two sides if you're looking at the other side there's a problem always because you can't fix the other side you have no control over the other side you have it's not you so you can't fix it so come back to you you know in recovery they say like if there's a if you're pointing a finger at somebody there's three fingers pointing back at you so it's three times more important to look at yourself than it is to look at somebody else you know and I believe that to be true because that's where all my growth came from I have never become a better version of myself by somebody else fixing something that's wrong with them it's never happened nor will it ever I cannot grow I cannot become a better version of myself I will never find happiness if other people do what they're supposed to do and this is the outlook for most people in most situations not just relationships not just women men and women everybody's thinking like this I'm not just talking to the women I'm talking to men and women about this topic of radical responsibility and relationships you know this is definitely not specifically pointed towards women this is for everyone everyone has to focus on themselves this is what Gandhi meant when he said be the change you wish to see in the world people you know that that sounds really cool right but you got to slow down and keep that in your mind and if you look around you will see countless scenarios where that will benefit you be the change you wish to see in the world why because you can't be anything else you can't be that you you can't fix anything outside of you and what is messed up with society you know what society is it's a group of messed up people well society is a group of people right now they happen to be messed up most people aren't doing the work that they need to do on themselves that's why society has all its problems the way how do you fix that by each single person me doing my work my neighbor doing their work the neighbor doing their work but I can't be concerned about my neighbor doing their work why because I have no control over that and this is what we focus on we sit around most people sit around going like the the other people have to if if we didn't have any jerks on the planet then I'd be happy you know they don't say it that way because it's too obvious when you say it that way you know people just like oh I can't believe people like this I I can't believe people drive stupid and then it causes me to get pissed off and have road rage I can't believe that that CEOs make 200 million dollars and I only make $20 an hour and I can't believe it doesn't matter you're not going to fix them it's as long they are not your problem you are your problem always in every way and it's a good thing we don't like hearing that but it's a good thing because we think it's easier to blame all that does is it keeps us stuck why because we can't change anything if we blame it on other people why because we can't control other people but it makes us feel like we're doing something it makes us feel like we give a crap it makes us feel like we're a good person when when we stand up and go oh my god the sex trafficking in this world is horrible like this is horrible I can't believe there are people like that out there what does that statement do does it stop sex trafficking no it doesn't so you being upset over sex trafficking does absolutely zero it does nothing all it does is it makes you feel like a good person because you get upset about something bad oh congratulations that and a token gets you on the bus it's worthless it's useless all it does and this is what most of us do and why do we do it it's because it feeds our ego it gives us an ego stroke it feels us makes us feel a little bit better whenever we complain so we complain about something externally we feel a little bit better and then what do we have to do well it's not much energy in that so we have to do it again shortly after so we can feel a little bit better about ourselves start focusing on ourselves what do I need to do what do I need to do in my life and don't worry about this is how all self self-work goes like I've told people this tons of times because I saw it in recovery I see it in recovery all the time and I see it in not just recovery but people working on them you want to know when people actually like really make leaps and bounds in their spiritual work or their self-help work within themselves it's when they stop keeping score of where they are am I there yet am I there yet am I happy yet did I do this yet and they just get lost in doing the work on themselves like going I'm gonna be in the present moment as often as I can not I'm gonna be in a present moment as often as I can so therefore in three weeks I'm going to be more peaceful and then I'll have arrived and blah blah blah whatever else they make up they just go I'm going to try to be conscious so I can choose my behavior I might try to be in a present moment as often as I can and then they'll just go out doing it like literally doing it not talking about it not reading about it not listening to a podcast about it actually doing it like they'll sit there and they'll go like you know while they're working oh okay I got to come back to the present moment okay there I'm there am I fully there yeah yeah okay cool all right and then they'll get back to their work or doing whatever they're doing and they'll do that multiple times throughout the day that that's a huge benefit and you just get lost in doing that and then all sudden you become more conscious and then all sudden you choose your reactions instead of reacting to situations and then all sudden people are coming up you know whatever a few weeks a few months later and they're going oh my god you seem so much different what do you what have you been doing and you're like what what like you don't even notice it yourself because you're not looking for the differences you're just lost in doing the work this is and and the the the the peace and the contentment just comes organically you don't have to try for it you don't have to reach for it you're just lost in doing the work that's when it comes but we have to do the work on ourselves so let's bring this into I'm gonna bring this into the post you know that this type of post so bear with me there's lots of these posts and this is just one example but this post kind of start out something about a real man what's sad about this picture is that most women I'm gonna read some of this what's sad about this picture is that most women will go their entire lifetime and never experience the meaning of actual true love it's even slightly depressing to think that most people will never understand how powerful this picture actually is there was a picture of a person in the post let's see I'm gonna just try to skip to some bullet points we unfortunately live in a generation with men who have no idea what it takes to be a real man let me give you some examples of a real man a real man asked about your day and genuine genuinely cares about the answer he takes time for you takes time to learn and understand who you are as a person consistently shows you the definition of effort with every day that passes will call you randomly throughout the day now some of this stuff is is actually not true because it depends on the person that you're in a relationship with like not all people you know this different love languages is different personalities is different so so some of this varies you know I mean it sounds good in the post you know don't get me wrong I mean you're reading a post and this is what we can't do in post just read through them quickly and just whenever something sounds good we sit up here in our brain and just go yeah that sounds good and it touches our heart a little bit and we're like oh yeah oh yeah yeah and we never slow down to think is this true you know he never confuses you on where you stand in his life yeah you know that in a healthy relationship there's some truth to that right but he never confuses you where you stand in his life like most times confusion is caused by the person it's not always caused by the other person right and we have see one of the problems with with this the reason I'm talking about it is the term narcissist has gotten real popular in the past few years right and which there are narcissistic people and those people who are narcissists use other people and that's a bad thing right I'm not arguing that my point is is that we cannot as long as you're focused on a narcissist you're screwed why because you can't fix a narcissist they can fix themselves if they so choose but you can't and you can't wait and not date anybody until all the narcissistic men in this particular example you know we're gonna go with the classic man-woman relationship here and the the you can't wait until all the narcissistic men are off the planet and then feel safe dating you have to find a way to feel safe dating anyway even though there are narcissistic men on the planet okay now who does it who can a narcissistic man take control over how who can they manipulate they can manipulate somebody that is able to be manipulated that is your work if you're getting manipulated by narcissist and you're running around pointing the finger at narcissist saying that oh my god they're bad oh my god they're bad yeah that who cares as soon as you know that you were the narcissist get out of the relationship that's your responsibility okay and then once you get a you know and I understand it might be hard you might be under their thumb and you might have to work through it I'm not saying that it's easy I'm saying that the only nobody's coming to save you your life is your responsibility so you need to get out of the narcissist relationship and once you do instead of running around you know telling all your friends how much of a narcissist he was and aren't narcissist bad and starting a blog about narcissist what you can do is start working on yourself so the next time you meet a narcissist they can't manipulate you this is what I'm talking about this is radical responsibility we have to stop pointing the finger at the narcissist and the psychos and the pedophiles and everything else I'm not saying that there's anything good about those people there's plenty bad about them and if they hurt somebody they can be held accountable they can go to jail they can you know whatever needs to happen to them sure let's I'm not throwing that out all I'm saying is do you want to be happy do you want to have a healthy relationship because if you do you need to work on yourself it has nothing to do with the other people you know I'm single and dating I have no fears zero fear about dating a narcissist somebody that is constantly in a victim mentality somebody that will manipulate me or hurt me in any way shape or form zero fear over that zero why because I've done the work on myself that's why and if I meet somebody that is toxic in some sort of way as a general rule I'm not interested in them why because we vibrate at different levels narcissists find victims that's what they do so don't be a victim and you don't have to worry about the narcissist you know and that people like oh this is victim blaming no I'm not blaming anybody it's nobody's fault I'm not it's not blame all I'm doing saying is that if you want peace and happiness in your life you need to do the work on you period that's all I'm saying it's nobody's fault we just do better when we know better I didn't know this stuff you know I was I've been in my share of unhealthy relationships before I woke up why because I didn't know better I didn't do my work once I did my work I don't get into unhealthy relationships you know I've said this many times over the last 20 years that the quality of women that I've dated is like off the charts you know I mean it's like you know I mean I'm single so you know so I haven't met the one and there's several reasons for that you know where I am in life and blah blah blah but but like and some of them had qualities that didn't work with me for the long term okay which is fine but every one of them was a quality woman woman on the majority of levels you know and that we all have our baggage so I'm not you know looking for somebody that's like perfect because that doesn't exist but I date wonderful good women people why well I mean is it really that difficult to see when somebody's trouble it I don't think it is at all like I think it's extremely easy why because I've done my work that's why so you can you can see the mile and a mile away if you're having a conversation about it and you're relaxed that's another thing that people do is they they they bring their representative when they're dating you know so neither person even gets to know the other person and that so I'll touch on that you know sometimes people can not show themselves in a beginning of a relationship right and that's fine it's okay like people are so scared of that you know especially people that have been hurt before like I said I'm not scared of that at all like because if I'm just gonna be relaxed because I'm not fearful right so I'm relaxed on myself what does that induce that induces somebody else to relax and be themselves okay so let's just take the example of somebody being an alcoholic if somebody is an alcoholic and I'm like very strict and kind of watching their every move and stuff like that they're going to hide the fact that they're an alcoholic whereas if I'm really relaxed and laid-back and really not judge not judgmental not you know looking them over all the time and you know thinking like every time they do something when they order a second drink they don't look over at me and I'm over there going second drink huh like I'm not doing any of that so what does that do it gives them the relaxation and a freedom to be themselves and then they show me who they are a lot quicker that's when people show you who they are when they feel safe around you right so I just let them feel safe immediately and they show me who they are quicker and it's it you know I don't think it's a waste of time some people like oh my god I dated somebody for two months and then found out there were an alcoholic it was such a waste of time that's dating man that's life yeah it's not a waste of time you just went out and tried meeting somebody you you put action and energy towards what you would like you would like a relationship and you went out there and you dated for a while and then it didn't work out with this one okay well hopefully you had a couple good meals out of it maybe a couple good conversations maybe something else and you move on to the next one it's not a waste of time it's the process it's the process you know people are so scared of wasting time like it no everything is a process you know when you start a business it's a process you don't just start it and then the next day it's you know same with relationships everything is a process that life is one giant process you know you never finish anything you know you never finish the dishes then you got to eat and there's more dishes so it's a process don't worry about it relax and you know with this we don't worry about what men have or what men don't have let me see if I can go back to that post a real man is undeniably committed to you and looks for new ways to fall in love with you with every day that passes he makes protecting your heart a number one priority like I mean how would you ever find somebody like this I mean don't get me wrong like if if I'm like in love with somebody this is you know all this stuff sounds good right like I'm reading this and I'm not sitting there going oh that's on stupid that's on stupid no it sounds really nice but my brain doesn't get all excited when it hears something that sounds really nice I follow the follow it with is that true is that realistic how do I achieve that like I go deeper deeper questions and when I look at this stuff a real man is undeniably committed to you and looks for new ways to fall in love with you that every day that passes so so like how are you going how would you find somebody like that like that like that's somebody that is in love with you and and over time like the only way to prove if a man is like that is over time well how do you find that you know it's my point is is as you read these things it like you know I'll I'll read I'll read a few of them and hopefully you guys can follow along and see what I'm see what I mean as you're reading these what the brain is doing yes I need a man like that yes I need a man like that yes I need a man like that and it's never looking at what do I need to do to achieve that it's only going I need a man like that and it's and it's saying what like you it's never about you doing the work to attract a man like that and that's what you need to do so this list is it's kind of useless I shouldn't say that it's not useless it's just see things like this the the people that would argue with me over this right what they would say is they'd be like well yes but it's important to understand that you know because a lot of women don't know this that you actually can have a man that can be like this you know that actually asks you about your day and I really actually cares that that doesn't confuse you on where you stand in his life you can actually have a man that shows you consistent effort you can actually have a man that values you and wouldn't put themselves in a position to lose you like that to me kind of sounds like cheating which is something that I don't do because I consider myself a good man I don't not I don't ever cheat ever if I'm in a committed relationships with somebody I will not cheat and it's not because necessarily I mean it's not really about them quite honestly I mean just do I not want to hurt them of course I don't want to hurt them I care about them I'm in a committed loving relationship about them with them but that's not really why I don't cheat the main reason I don't cheat is because I love myself and I think a cheater is a liar and a liar is a cheater and both of those are not energies that I want to have in me that's not the man that I want to be okay so it that's why I do it but back to the point there you know it is good for women to know that there are good men out there and to raise their standards and not just date some dirtbag somebody that's gonna manipulate them that is good that's helpful right but that's like 10% of the work how long does that take if you're open and willing to listen and actually implement change that takes about five minutes that takes a conversation it doesn't take 10 years of social media posts it takes five minutes it doesn't take 320 workshops or 42 ayahuasca ceremonies it takes about five minutes it takes about five minutes for you to open up your mind and go listen and maybe 10 minutes because we'll have a back-and-forth conversation there are men who can actually treat you like this slow down and let you absorb the fact that there are good men that will respect you and love you in appropriate ways and these are some of the things that these are some of the ways that it could look like for you okay I can and I can read through that be like yes okay that is possible you're telling me that's possible yes it is possible oh okay so five or ten minutes you get that okay you understand it that's it that's a little intellectual piece in the corner of your brain that doesn't do crap okay it's good for you to know but it doesn't do anything it's not going to change your life it's not going to get you into a healthy relationship it's not going to be able to pick have you pick up on the problems that that are arising in an unhealthy relationship because you haven't done your work it's not it's not going to trigger red flags for you most likely it's really not going to do much it's very little is it a piece yes it's a piece it's good to have that knowledge that there are good men or good women out there that it's helpful but it's it does very little for your life so what actually so this is the mechanics of it okay so I've used this example before there is so say you've got this narcissistic guy what I'm just gonna use physical abuse because it's a really extreme example that I think people can relate to and see my point real clearly so like if you have a male that physically abuses women right they don't usually punch him in the face on the first date they work up to that unfortunately so like if you they there's with all the the men that physically abuse generally they're looking for victims but if they so happen to date a woman who is not a victim that woman is not going to date that person long and they might they'll probably never even hit them but they the woman will end that relationship almost immediately why because they can pick up on the energy of that you know they can pick up on the behaviors when you have self-love you can pick up on dysfunctional feelings dysfunctional behaviors so maybe like somebody with real good self-esteem like let's say that this abusive man like yells at a waitress or something out out to dinner now somebody with low self-esteem would be like oh well maybe he's having a bad day and they'll rationalize it away why because they would put up with it themselves whereas somebody with high self-esteem wouldn't put up with it themselves and they're like oh my god I can't believe he just talked to her like that I've never seen this guy again if he treats her like that that that's enough he doesn't even have to treat me crappy if he's treating other people crappy that's enough you know I told my son this when he was when he was young he was dating I mean he was real little you know so it's just little kid dating elementary school or seventh or eighth grade or something I think that's what it was and he and he comes he goes dad this is this is a girl at school and you know she's my girlfriend or something and I'm like oh cool and he's he's like yeah and you know I'm like oh you know why why do you like her you know and I said well I always used to ask him what's she like you know because sometimes he'd come home because of society's conditioning you'd be like oh she's really pretty I'm like yeah that's cool but what is she like you know and he'd be like oh she treats me really good and he said that one day he goes she treats me really good and I was like she treats you really good well that's good of course but I mean of course she's gonna treat you good she likes you so how does she treat other people he goes she doesn't treat other people good she treats other people like crap but she treats me good and I was like pay attention to that because once this new wears off about her liking you of course she's gonna treat you nice she likes you but as soon as that wears off a little bit and her true personality comes out if she's treating everybody else like crap guess what she's gonna probably gonna start treating you like crap you know and no kidding within a week he comes home he's like oh we broke up he's like yeah she's she started treating me like crap so I ended it I was like see you know so this is what I mean when you build up self-esteem you can pick up on stuff like that so the difference to close off this example the difference between a woman in this scenario and this goes for men on the reverse as well of course the difference between a woman who dates an abusive man and breaks up with them very very quickly and never actually experiences the abuse and the woman who starts dating an abusive man and stays with him and and gets you know locked into the relationship into the manipulation and all that bad stuff and ends up staying in that relationship and then ends up being abused the difference between those two women is self-esteem it's self-love this somebody with self-love isn't gonna put up with it out the door see ya somebody who has low self-esteem low self-love will rationalize that behavior and then get hooked and then start believing some of the crap that's coming out of their mouth like you can't do better than me you know you're a piece of crap you're lucky I'm with you only somebody with low self-esteem would actually believe some of that crap because that's what it is it's crap we can always do better than somebody that's negative you know but what this this is my point okay so you see how we went full circle radical responsibility the only thing that prevents you from getting in a relationship with a narcissistic or abusive jackass is your work it's the only thing you doing the work on yourself you rising you're raising your self-esteem you feeling like a good person you feeling like you deserve somebody good you not rationalizing and putting up with crappy behavior and walking away you know and one of the really gifted wonderful way of looking at this is learn to be alone it's not you know so many people think that it's it's a difficult catch because like I had to work through this I'm a relationship person I love being in a relationship love it never was looking for one until I fell in love when I was like 21 right from that point on from the day I fell in love when I was you know 21 22 years old from that point until this day and into the future I'm sure I love being in a relationship I love having somebody to love I love having somebody to share my life with I freaking love it but I've been alone a lot of years why because I'm not going to settle you know it's like it's the full Monty or it's nothing man like and sometimes things don't work out and I stopped second-guessing it but there's this little catch for those of us which is many of us that like being in a relationship and it's this it's all this focus on manifesting people think that they have to put so much energy towards manifesting we don't manifest crap all we got to do is put an idea out there and the universe manifests through us okay so we don't you don't have to like bring in this relationship we have to learn to be alone because if you don't know how to be alone you're going to put up with other people's crap you will I guarantee it it's just a matter of time you have to be okay being alone and you can't sit there and spend a month and a half being alone and going like oh yeah you know I whistled three times when I was feeling really lonely and eventually it passed so I must have done my work now I can start dating again whoo I did my work no actually get comfortable so comfortable being alone that you stop being concerned about dating for a little while it's not that you don't ever get back to it it's just you again it's not being attached to an outcome some particular goal it's getting lost in the work getting lost and falling in love with yourself and clearing out all that stuff you know loving yourself loving yourself letting go of the blame forgiving people who hurt you because they'll pay their own you know that the the the punishment is built into the crime or the sin it just is don't worry about them they'll get their own when I live dysfunctionally I suffered internally everybody that I see that's living dysfunctionally hurting other people are miserable inside why because you can't be happy inside living your best life while you're running around hurting people you can't put out crap negative energy and then receive love back like you can't some people can be delusional about it and pretend like oh man I crap on people all the time and I love myself no you don't how do I know because it's literally impossible that's how I know it's literally impossible you can't run around crapping on people and feel good about yourself you can lie to yourself about it you can even believe your own lies but deep down you ain't fooling anybody because you can't fool yourself at some point you're going to have to do your work or some people will die never doing their work that's fine too whatever but I ain't living that type of life so it's radical responsibility don't worry about the narcissist don't worry about the abusive people don't worry about whatever else is is concerning you don't worry about oh what's on my list of what a good man is don't worry about it man just get do the work on yourself do the work on yourself raise your self-esteem raise yourself love get to know yourself better you know and then from there like relax when you date because when something negative you it's not this you don't have to defend yourself from anything because they can't get to you that's what love does that's the beauty of it man that's that's why this is the ultimate answer when you're in love nobody can hurt you you know if you haven't heard Brene Brown's talk on vulnerability look into that you know people think vulnerability is opening up their heart with the possibility of being hurt it's not it's opening up your heart fully and finding out that you can't be hurt when you are fully open and yourself and authentic and loving and you love yourself and then somebody comes in and tries to screw with you you're just like no no you may go you know it's it's the Wicked Witch of the West and the Wizard of Oz and Glenda the Good Witch you know the Wicked Witch comes in and and Glenda just looks at her effortlessly and says you have no power here she doesn't fight against her why because she doesn't have to she has no power here this is you want to be Glenda the Good Witch man do yourself work you know be that good witch sit there and be like I'm love man you can't hurt me I'm love well you're you're you're a piece of crap like you're lucky to have me no I'm not no I'm a wonderful loving person and you can go because I'm gonna go find somebody that can recognize this in me and and that's if you actually happen to get into a relationship with somebody for a little while and they stop trying this stuff then you leave then but I guarantee you if you the more work you do in yourself the quicker you're going to realize it because we can read energy once we're but we unconsciously attract like either something that vibrates like I said like victims are actually attracted to narcissists just like narcissists are attracted to victims that they actually attract each other so when you get out of that victim mentality then all sudden you don't have to you know and like I every once in a while I'll have somebody that's really like doesn't understand boundaries that's really overpowering try to come at me usually they don't even bother a lot of times people like that and these are people that are not self-aware okay I'm not talking about self-aware people I'm talking about like just overpowering people you know that aren't haven't done any work on themselves they'll walk into a room and they'll be boom boom boom nailing people and they'll take one look at me and they'll skip me and go to somebody else a lot of times I've had to happen tons of times because I won't put up with that crap and they can feel it or if they come to me I'll just put them in their place real quick no wrong guy I'm not your guy you know so this is what I'm talking about man you have control you don't have to fear negative people out there all you have to do is do the work on yourself and you'll naturally repel them a lot of times and then if you do come across them you're gonna recognize them a lot quicker and then even if you don't recognize them quicker you're just gonna have the strength to sit up there and say I'm not going to be treated like this and exit you know a narcissist can find a victim anywhere they don't have to spend 14 years in a relationship with you trying to break you they don't need it they're not going to spend that much time trying to break you you know if they can't break you they're just gonna go find somebody that they can you know so that's gonna do it for now I'm gonna wrap this up before the hour expires so thank you guys for listening and I will talk with you soon peace

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Reiki can also help to centre yourself. Good podcast, thank you!