Letting Go Of What No Longer Serves Us

On today's show we discuss behaviors and ways of thinking that we have relied on in the past, as well as letting go of the ones that no longer serve us.

Transcript

Welcome to Life,

Lessons,

And Laughter with your host Glenn Ambrose.

Hello welcome to the show.

Today we are talking about letting go of things that no longer serve us.

Is that right Ben?

Yes.

Good.

Okay sit over there quietly.

That is what we discussed at the pre-production meeting.

Thirty seconds ago.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay so I think what we're going to start at is childhood because that's kind of where we set up things,

Defense mechanisms,

And ways of being that we use throughout our lives until we learn better and outgrow them.

So like when we're kids we need to learn how to deal with things.

I mean things are happening that we don't quite understand where we're actually forgetting a lot of truths that we know about ourselves.

Like the truths that we are,

We are love and everything is okay and we're good enough and all that stuff.

We're kind of being conditioned by life and those around us and it's shocking and it's difficult.

So we need to kind of create some new realities and some new coping mechanisms to deal with things and one of the common ones,

Definitely where I grew up was anger.

That was one of the ones that I used pretty regularly.

In a lot of situations it's effective.

Anger is effective?

Yeah.

I mean you blow a gasket,

People tend to leave you alone.

Right.

I've never found that.

I have found that when I get angry,

The people that I get angry at usually just get more angry at me and then it just exacerbates the problem.

Anger has never solved a thing for me.

Really?

Of course,

Being calm has never really solved it for me either.

Well I mean it just depends on what you're trying to accomplish and the situation too.

I mean the specific situation plays into it.

You know like if you're getting picked on as a young kid,

A lot of times anger can stop that and it depends on how far you're willing to go too.

Sometimes you can just get angry at first and it can make the person picking on you get angrier and if you don't follow through then all you did was make the situation worse.

It kind of depends on how far you're willing to go with it.

But I mean this is also,

I don't want to go too far down this road just because… It's not about anger.

Well right,

It's not about anger and that's not ultimately the best solution.

It's just oftentimes we form these things around the ages of 6,

8 and a lot of times even earlier than that,

Years of age.

So this is a child's mentality when we don't know any better and sometimes it can help us.

It can get us through difficult situations,

You know rough childhoods,

Traumatic situations,

Stuff like that.

And I mean it can be turning within,

Just shutting down can be one of the defense mechanisms.

It can be running away.

It can be cowering so people will come around you and give you love because they feel bad for you.

It can take a lot of different forms but at some point it's… We need to move beyond those because they're not effective for us anymore.

We're adults,

There's other ways to deal with things.

But they're so embedded in us that it's hard for us to let go of them because they're just unconscious,

They're subconscious and they're just our go-tos.

We just go to them.

That's how we react.

And oftentimes we don't even know we're doing it or we don't know it's wrong.

So I mean to bring consciousness to that,

For me it was definitely anger.

Anger was my go-to.

So as I got older and became who I am today,

When I'm working on my spiritual growth and becoming a life coach and trying to live a life that I live,

Peaceful,

Happy,

If I'm talking around going to anger every time something doesn't go my way,

That's a problem.

I'm trying to think about what my situation is,

Which is bad that I can't just rattle it off the top of my head because we had an entire session about this once.

Yeah,

But that's exactly how it… That's a good point because most people you do need to slow down and look at this and really figure out what it is because it might not be the obvious.

I think mine was trying to control situations and protect people,

Help people too much instead of… And people pleasing.

People pleasing,

Yeah.

Yeah,

And not setting healthy boundaries,

Stuff like that.

We don't need to rattle off the list of my faults.

It's only a half hour show.

Yeah,

Right.

They're not faults,

They're just things.

That's another important part is not to beat ourselves up over it because when we shine a light on things and see what we need to grow through and some things that we need to adjust and change to be healthier,

More effective people,

Then the first instinct is to be like,

Oh well,

I suck.

It's self-depriving to look at those things,

But that's part of the process of working through them.

When somebody… It happens,

I've seen it happen recently too where somebody points out in someone else what they do and they're like,

Oh my God,

That is what I do.

This is horrible.

And they feel all bad about themselves and it's like,

Wait a minute,

So?

So that's what you do.

It's not any worse than something that somebody else does,

It's just a defense mechanism.

It's just something we developed when we were at a young age because we didn't know any other way of dealing with things.

And nobody was teaching us.

As a general rule,

Of course there are some enlightened parents out there and it's getting more and more nowadays,

But very early on,

It's difficult.

And plus it's difficult as a parent.

I'm a parent now and sometimes it's difficult as a parent because I have,

Even though I know better ways of doing things as an adult,

All of a sudden my son's going through something and it's like,

Oh my God,

Well,

How do you work through that situation?

And if I didn't work through it in a healthy way as a child,

It looks very similar to the thing that I didn't deal with properly as a child.

So it's like,

Oh,

Well,

Don't turn to anger,

Don't turn to violence.

Well,

How do I teach him to do that?

Even in this day and age,

Even at the age I am now,

If I didn't do it back then,

It's a lot easier as an adult to deal with things in a rational way.

Because generally if you say something that an adult doesn't like,

They don't punch you in the head.

I mean,

That just doesn't happen as often in life where you just disagree with somebody and they punch you.

Whereas kids on the playground,

That happens more often.

So sometimes you have to deal with things differently because of the age and the environment that you're in.

So it can be difficult still,

Even if you're enlightened,

To teach your children how to deal with these situations.

So it's not easy as a kid,

But as we grow up and as we evolve,

We have to look at these things and decide who do we want to be?

What type of person do I want to be?

Do I want to be a person that goes back to these childhood defense mechanisms and ways of dealing with things?

And generally when we get to that point of our growth,

We just notice it no longer serves us.

One thing that I can definitely look at and pinpoint as something that I noticed or was brought to my attention and when this doesn't serve me anymore and changed it was I used to when I was younger,

Like 10 years ago,

Like 15 to 10 years ago,

Have a much harsher sense of humor with my friends and people that were acquaintances.

I was brash with my humor.

I was not easy on people.

And someone who was a bit of an outsider to our group of friends that I respected just called me out on it one day.

He was like,

You're kind of a jerk.

And I was floored by that because I never thought of myself as,

He didn't say jerk,

But I didn't think of myself like that at all.

And then it just took like three seconds of looking at like,

Oh yeah,

All right,

Well this is my go-to joke for this person and this is my go-to joke and I rag on this person for that.

Yeah,

No,

I'm mean.

I'm pretty mean and I just kind of stopped.

I have a tendency to occasionally do it now,

But it's very rare.

And that's a good example of dealing with things as a child through humor,

Especially humor like that.

I mean that can really put somebody in their place without it turning to violence.

If you're witty and have that comic edge,

I mean I did that too.

And when I was in my teen years,

That's a really effective coping mechanism.

So effective.

Yeah,

I mean it was,

And I mean even to this day,

I'll have friends of mine that I grew up with when I was in the teens in our 40s.

And when I'm with them,

Sometimes really rude stuff comes up.

We'll just bust each other's chops like hardcore.

And it just comes flying out and it's weird because that's the only place that happens in my life now is with childhood friends that that's kind of how our relationship was formed in early teen years.

And then all of a sudden it's turned into a bonding thing.

It's turned into a loving thing.

It's like when one of my friends starts swearing at me,

One of my friends that I knew from childhood,

They start swearing at me.

I mean I just start laughing.

It makes me feel good.

It makes me feel like they're still comfortable with me and they still love me and everything's cool.

That's the norm.

I don't really go back to that with those people.

I hardly ever see a lot of them,

But I don't really do that.

Also I think that I'm probably like half as funny now as I used to be,

If not less than that.

I doubt that.

I doubt that.

It just doesn't come out all the time.

I mean I got class clown all through school,

Elementary school,

Junior high,

High school,

All that.

I don't think my sense of humor is less.

It's just less a part of my life.

Back then I was always walking around,

Joking around.

And I mean even when I was in high school,

I started noticing that I needed to pull back on it then because it wasn't working for me as well as it worked for me earlier because kids were getting,

If you were just goofing around all the time,

Kids got sick of it because they were forming a more serious side to themselves in the teen years.

So I noticed that I needed to pull back on it because it was no longer serving me then.

You know what I turned into since then?

I don't know how this happened,

But I got really into like dad humor.

Not making fun of people's dads or talking about dads or anything.

The bad jokes that are typical of what a dad would make,

Like the embarrassing dad.

I'm sure you know because I guarantee you are one to Matteo.

A bad dad?

No,

Not a bad dad.

Just I'm sure that you make some jokes that are like,

Oh dad,

What are you doing?

Oh my God,

Yeah.

Well,

He's 15 so it's almost everything I say now.

Exactly.

I,

For whatever reason,

Like several years ago,

It started to really amuse me to make the worst joke I possibly could a lot.

So I started to like,

I'm just amusing myself now.

Yeah.

But you know,

Like I know it's grown worthy or whatever,

But yeah,

So I just started amusing myself.

I think that's the best part.

That's the best part as long as it's amusing yourself,

You know,

Then it's still working.

But it's not as sharp as that mean spirited joking was.

Right,

Yeah.

You need to be,

It's true.

Back when in high school it was very witty and sharp and quick and it was a hone skill at that point.

So it's,

We do drift away from that because it's,

If we walked around acting like that towards people nowadays,

It just no longer serves us.

So it's a really good example of,

You know,

If you were on the phone trying to figure out what's going on with your cell phone account and you're just ripping witty comments to tear the person on the other side of the phone apart,

You're probably not going to get that much accomplished.

It doesn't fit that well into our lives,

So we need to transcend it,

Grow.

And that's,

You know,

That's kind of a more natural one than I think most people do gradually and naturally,

You know,

But some of the,

I remember,

And the universe literally can stop you in your tracks and to,

It doesn't allow things to work for you after a certain period of time.

You know,

So I remember when I was married,

If there was ever any problem with a bill or a company or somebody doing work for us or anything like that that needed to be,

Somebody needed to call and get it straightened out,

I was the one that called because it was like that,

I was good at that.

I was a good angry customer.

You know,

So I could pick up the phone and say,

Listen,

This is what you're going to do and I'm not putting up with your crap and blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

And push and push and push and yell if necessary and all that stuff.

I would go there and back then it used to work.

But then after I woke up and started kind of the second part of my life,

When things,

When I needed to deal with things like that,

That's how I dealt with them.

I picked up the phone even though I was basically living a peaceful existence,

I would still deal with things like that.

And I noticed very early on that it stopped working.

People just started hanging up on me.

And I was like,

Wait a minute,

Now this has been working my whole life.

Like this is something I'm good at.

This,

You know,

This works.

And people were just not putting up with it from me anymore.

So the universe was showing me very clearly that the anger card doesn't work.

You know,

It's time for me to start evolving past that.

And I did.

I let go of most of it in my everyday life.

And then later on,

I noticed that I needed to,

I had let go of most of the anger stuff.

Although there was some very similar energies to anger,

Very kind of really stern,

Stubborn energies that I still needed to let go of.

And that's kind of where I am now.

I know I've made good progress on it.

I'd probably say I'm somewhere around past the 50% mark of letting go of this aspect too.

And I'm going just that that stubborn,

I'm going to do this pit bull mentality.

It no longer serves me.

Are there ever a time,

Is there ever a time when people and relationships no longer serve you and it's time to get out of it and move on?

Sure.

Absolutely.

But I think generally,

Those kind of take care of themselves if you do the work on yourself.

So like if you just continue evolving,

Then what you're creating in your life kind of starts changing.

So like let's just take a relationship for example.

If you have two people that are in a relationship and one is really working on themselves growing and evolving and the other one is not,

Then there's a good chance that at some point,

You two just aren't going to get along anymore.

You're not going to be comfortable with each other because you're different energies,

You're different people.

If you've got one person that's really peaceful,

Happy all the time and one person that's angry all the time,

Generally they're not going to enjoy spending time with each other.

So I mean,

As people evolve,

Sometimes relationships can fall apart.

But oftentimes,

Oftentimes people look for that first.

People have a tendency to point the finger outside of themselves at other people instead of doing the work on themselves.

And I feel that people leave relationships oftentimes too quickly.

I mean,

If there's a violent situation that you need to get out of,

That's fine.

An abusive situation you need to get out of,

That's fine.

But I mean,

Other than that,

Well,

I'm growing and they're not,

So I'm leaving.

That just happens too quickly.

If you're growing,

Continue growing and it will just kind of,

You will be at complete peace and you'll be like,

When it is time to leave the relationship,

You'll just leave the relationship very peacefully with no animosity towards the other person.

There's not a big heartbreak that goes on.

You just kind of find yourself wanting to be elsewhere and it's more effortless.

You know,

If you're sitting in a relationship and you're going,

Well,

I'm growing and they're not and I'm sick of being around them because they're always negative,

That means you need to do more work on you because all that frustration that's inside of you is inside of you.

It's not inside of the other person.

So you can do more work on you until you get to the point where you're peaceful with the situation.

And then it's just obvious that you don't spend,

And half the time the other person leaves first.

You don't even have to leave.

They just kind of don't like being around you because you're not the same person you used to be and it's effortless and you just start drifting apart.

And that's a lot more peaceful way of going about it and a lot more effective way because if you just keep working on yourself,

Working on yourself,

Working on yourself,

No matter what happens in that relationship,

Whether the person,

Sometimes the other person goes,

Oh my God,

Like they'll buck the system a little bit.

They'll act like they don't like the new you.

But then after being around it for a while,

They go,

You know what?

They're really happy and I think the problem might be me.

And then they start shifting and then they grow.

We don't all grow at the same pace.

So sometimes you can have really troubled relationships work out just fine because the other person didn't run out the door because they had grown a little and the other person wasn't growing at the same pace.

So that's kind of how.

.

.

I hate to say that I saw a Disney Channel show the other day about the exact topic that said the exact same thing you just said.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well,

Disney is all feel good stuff.

So I guess that makes sense.

But yeah,

I think we often think that we need to grow together in relationships and we don't need to grow together.

We need to grow individually.

And if one person works on themselves,

They're bringing a higher quality person or energy into the relationship.

And then if eventually the other person is either going to kind of catch fire off of that one and start growing too and working on themselves too,

Or they won't.

And either way,

It's fine.

And it's the same thing with jobs.

It's with job situations,

It's going to be.

.

.

The thing with relationships,

Including friendships,

Jobs,

A lot of these things,

We get too caught up in trying to fix everything instead of just doing the inner work on ourselves and allowing things to kind of fix themselves.

So I think what we need to do is work on ourselves.

Just keep working on ourselves.

And then the situations that we're in shift naturally,

And it's a lot easier.

Generally you don't have to run into your boss's office,

Draw a line in the sand,

Because when you have to do stuff like that,

Think of the energy that you're walking in there with.

That's not peaceful,

Calm energy.

That's frustration and anger.

Even if it doesn't come out in screaming and yelling,

You're still acting from an angry or frustrated energy from that place.

So if you can get yourself to be able to deal with things in a calm,

Peaceful,

Loving place,

It's a big difference walking into your boss's office and saying,

Like,

Well,

I've been here for a while and I really feel that I do a good job for you.

So what I'd like to do is get a raise and I'd like it to be this amount and then I can continue working here and getting what I feel I'm valued.

I feel I'm valued with that.

So that would work for me.

Going in with something like that instead of walking in going,

You don't appreciate me,

You don't pay me enough and I'm sick of this and I'm leaving if you don't.

It's completely different energies,

But it's just the same thing.

You want to be valued.

Get yourself to a place by doing the inner work,

Shifting what used to work for you,

Letting go of that anger and frustration not working for you anymore and just come from a self-love and a loving place and then you can achieve whatever you want through that energy.

A big part of it is looking at what you use,

What you go to,

What you have gone to in the past and looking at it and seeing if it works for you anymore.

If it doesn't work for you anymore,

Then it's time to start shifting it.

Then you need to find a healthier way of dealing with things.

Who do I want to be?

Write it down on a list.

What type of person do I want to be?

Who deals with things when they have a difficult situation?

Who deals with it in a way that I would like to emulate?

Get your head wrapped around how you want to be as a person,

The next level of your evolution.

As we're growing,

We have to let go of things that no longer serve us.

Otherwise,

We're never going to become better people and more peaceful and more happy versions of ourselves.

Right,

Man?

I couldn't agree more and I think that if people want a more in-depth look at what working on yourself entails,

This Checkout episode 17 from two years ago that we did.

What was that title?

Self-Work.

Self-Work,

Yeah.

All work is self-work.

True that.

It is.

Oh,

I had a quote that this made me think of that I thought of right before we started.

I didn't think that it was as good as I thought it was and then I looked it up and now that we've been talking,

I think that it actually does fit.

It's the first biblical quote we've ever had.

It is 1 Corinthians 13,

11.

Do you know what it is?

No.

When I was a child,

I talked like a child.

I thought like a child.

I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man,

I put the ways of childhood behind me.

Wow.

Yeah,

I actually have heard that before.

Of course you have.

I don't know.

I haven't memorized the Bible.

It's a very popular,

It's like one of the top 10.

It's on the greatest hits album of the Bible.

Well,

Yeah,

And that's true.

It's time we need to reevaluate.

This is such a common topic.

All the shows always blend together and stuff and it really is just about slowing down and looking at yourself,

Looking at how you deal with things,

Looking at what works for you,

Looking at what doesn't work for you,

And just slowing down because most of our actions are actually reactions.

They're unconscious reactions based on our past and much of it goes back to childhood.

So if we just slow down a minute and look at what works for us and what doesn't and find healthier ways to deal with things,

Then we can evolve more into the person that we're supposed to be coming.

Like I heard it said that basically adulthood,

What adulthood is is us learning things that we never learned as children.

Because it's really the same thing.

I mean,

When I'm trying to work with,

Teach my son something and I look at the topic underneath of what I'm trying to teach him,

It's the same type of stuff that I'm trying to learn in my own life.

If he's in a difficult situation at school and he needs to learn how to deal with that in a healthy manner,

Then I can look at it and say,

Okay,

Well,

I have a difficult situation at work or with a company that I'm interacting with.

How do I deal with it in a healthy manner?

It's the same thing.

You have to deal with it in a healthy manner and still get what you need and act out of self love.

So it's the same thing.

It just looks differently.

Well,

I think that another thing you just said,

Like a lot of the shows end up melting together because of the,

There may be only so many truths at the underlying truths,

I think is what you usually say,

But life complicates everything.

It tries to.

The way that we perceive it.

So sometimes you need,

Sure,

The answer may always be love over fear and work on yourself and don't judge a situation.

Those might be the truths and the answers to all of the questions,

But you have to frame it because if you don't frame it,

Then you'll never see that that applies to that situation.

Right.

You can't see how to get there from here.

And that's what our emotions do.

Our emotions cloud and life,

Like you said,

Complicates and society,

All that stuff complicates and emotions cloud and we've got all this stuff whirling around.

And sometimes life is just going so fast that it's just plain like you're standing in a tornado and it's like,

That's why stopping and slowing down and talking things out and getting help if you feel like you need it is so valuable.

There's times when,

And I don't know,

I never know how much a conversation that I have with somebody helps or doesn't help or how much of a light it turns on inside of them and all that stuff.

You never know.

But I ran into somebody yesterday that I had one conversation with like a month ago and they were like,

It's like,

So how's things going?

Oh my God,

Wonderful.

All this stuff is changing.

Now,

So he's doing all these things at one conversation.

He had one conversation with me,

But I know he had conversations with other people as well.

And just slowing down to look at your life and talk these things through,

There's answers to everything.

We never feel like we need to be backed into a corner.

We can always deal with everything in a healthy,

Loving manner.

It's just like you said,

Sometimes it's too complicated to see at first glance.

Sometimes we need to get some help and talk through this stuff.

And if people are looking to get help.

You know,

I know somebody that they can talk to.

Gladys.

Gladys Ellen.

She's very good too.

Glenn Ambrose is wonderful at helping people with this stuff.

Yeah.

Well,

It's his podcast,

So let's plug him.

All right.

Sure.

So yeah,

If you need help with stuff,

Just reach out to me at life-enhancement-services.

Com.

And also don't forget to check out The Great Love Project at thegreatloveproject.

Com.

Also go on Facebook,

Twitter,

Instagram,

Like,

Follow,

Subscribe to the podcast,

All of that stuff.

Everything helps.

Yeah.

Be a part of.

If you feel you're on the outside,

It's probably because you are.

So get involved.

There's a life lessons and laughter Facebook page.

There's a Twitter.

You know,

You have your own personal stuff,

The Great Love Project.

Yeah.

And if there's show ideas for the podcast,

Send them in.

If there's comments,

Questions,

Right.

You know,

We all have things that we're trying to work through.

And there's a life coach here that's able to get back to you in a timely manner.

Take advantage of it.

So that's going to wrap it up for today.

Thanks for listening,

Everyone.

And we will talk at you soon.

Reviews

Excellent! This really has some important information. It should be common sense but with life seemingly exceeding the speed of light, it's important work for those who know to illuminate the path for those who are still lost in the dark. I've already sent this as a recommendation! Thank you both so much for this! ❤️‍🔥🙏🏻🤌🏻🧘🏼‍♀️🤌🏻☮️🕉

That was so beneficial at this time in my life - meant to be - food for thought definitely. Thank you!

Good talk about letting go of learned behaviors. Thank you!

Awesome! Cheers for Glenn and Ben! World thought leaders of our time! I salute you!

Awesome as ever, love these podcasts and I'm telling all my friends they need to listen too 😊 thanks Glenn for sharing your wisdom with such humour and humility 💜x

Great talk. Thanks.

Great talk, thank you for sharing 🙏

Much appreciated. Gentle reminders of how we may have gotten to where we are, and in developing greater awareness, to not be hard on ourselves or those we interact with.

These podcasts are so insightful and give me such great perspective. Thank you.

Awesome gentle advice. For some time I've felt frustrated on how to deal w a spouse who isn't trying to grow while I am. Excellent point. I'll work on myself more and let the rest fall into place. You saved me money on future therapy appts lol!

This def helped me better understand letting go & relationships.