Controlling Our Reactions To Negative Experiences

In this episode, we explore how to control our reactions to seemingly negative experiences. Often we allow a negative experience to linger, so we discuss acceptance and changing your view point to avoid needless suffering.

Transcript

Welcome to life lessons and laughter with your host Glenn Ambrose.

Hello welcome to the podcast.

We are back in the saddle again.

We're back.

Oh,

This shows off the rails already.

It's off.

So we are talking about,

What are we talking about Ben?

We are talking about controlling our reactions to negative experiences.

Wow,

That sounds like an incredible topic.

Yes.

How exciting.

So why don't you introduce how this topic came about today?

It came about from my morning reading.

Yeah,

I just,

I read this,

I read a page out of this book every day and I was like,

Wow,

That's kind of a cool thought.

You know,

It just kind of captured my attention.

So I brought it up for a topic.

All right.

So I'm going to read the first bit.

You can tell me when to stop.

Okay.

Yeah,

Maybe the first paragraph.

Yeah.

So we don't go too.

It's from,

Um,

Three 65 science of the mind,

A year of daily wisdom from Ernest Holmes.

Right.

So it's not a Scientology book.

It's a science of mind book.

Big difference.

Okay.

Um,

So either way,

Uh,

This is going to spark some conversation.

So March 6th,

Which is the day that we're recording this spoiler alert,

This is not live.

Um,

Gasp.

Is living today.

And this is what it says.

It is not the particular negative experiences we have gone through in the past that destroy our happiness,

But rather our emotional reaction to those experiences carried in the reservoir of memory.

Many people suffer complete defeat without having really been defeated.

Others succumb the first time anything goes wrong.

It is one of the aims of psychosomatic medicine,

Analytical psychology and psychiatry to drain out the negative and emotional reactions to previous experiences.

There is just as real an infection of the mind as there is of any part of our physical body.

Almost invariably,

Our negative reactions to life,

Our unhappiness,

And perhaps most of our physical disorders are based on unhappy experiences that are buried,

But buried alive in our memory.

Yes.

So but yesterday can have no reaction to us if we do not react to it.

That's it.

Yeah.

It's the,

It is,

It's our reaction to things.

You know,

We can't control what happens in our lives,

But we can control our reactions to it.

You know,

It's the,

It's also,

You know,

There's so many different ways to say the same thing when we're talking about a spiritual truth.

And you know,

That's why we can look at all these different religions and say they're all right,

Because they're all saying the same things just in a different way most of the time.

So in this it's,

You know,

There is nothing good or bad,

But thinking makes it so.

It's the same thing.

It's,

You know,

There are people who go through very extreme situations,

But react completely differently to them,

You know,

Because of our mindset,

Our mental outlook.

You know,

One person can perceive something as horrible,

And somebody else can perceive it as just a speed bump in life that they needed to go through.

And it's,

You know,

How we internalize these things,

And if we feel a victim of them,

That really drags us down.

You know,

So we can control our reactions to things,

And you know,

Sometimes it's difficult to control our reactions in the time,

You know,

That they're happening,

Because our subconscious is just going to kind of lead us in a direction.

But we can always go back and reassess what's happened to us,

You know.

So it's,

There's,

Whenever I have a resentment about something,

Or I'm angry or upset about something,

I understand that there's a problem with the way I'm looking at it.

You know,

There is a healthier way to look at it than me being angry about the situation.

So if what I do is I try to look for a different,

A healthier way to look at it,

Where it doesn't make me upset,

Where I don't feel like a victim of it,

Or you know,

And once I find that,

Then I can be free to release the emotional attachment I have to it.

But what happens is a lot of times people just walk around going,

You know,

Let go and like God,

And just let it go,

Just put it behind you,

Just,

We can't do that if we have a negative outlook on it.

You know,

Because all that's doing is suppressing it.

We're just stuffing things.

So we're stuffing any emotion attached to it,

And oftentimes it builds too,

Because,

You know,

Usually a resentment is attached to a person.

You know,

Usually there's a person involved.

Sometimes that person is yourself.

Sometimes.

Yeah.

And if we're walking around with a mental outlook that is negative about somebody,

Including ourselves,

Then as we walk around,

Every time we come in contact with that person,

We're going to expand that negative energy that's within us.

And it's just going to keep festering and festering and getting worse and worse.

So and then we just have to stuff it deeper and deeper.

So if we change the outlook that we have on it into a happier thing and make some sense of it in our own minds,

Then we can let go of the emotional attachment to the situation.

But we need to learn to look at it a different way,

You know,

In a way that we're not a victim of it.

So the reason why I wanted to talk about this,

Because you gave me a couple options for what this episode would be about,

And the reason that this one spoke out to me so much is because it's something that I've been dealing with lately with several people and myself always.

But the the line that was in the book about about giving up after one defeat or believing that you're defeated before you actually are defeated.

Right.

I think that what you were just saying is absolutely true.

You can't you can't resent something.

You can't hold on to something if you unless you're looking at it wrong,

Unless you're you're inflicting punishment on yourself continually.

Right.

To to react to this negative event.

And it's counterproductive and it causes really negative reactions in yourself.

And it it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Yeah,

You know,

It's so boring.

The more you read,

It's suffering.

It's the resistance to what is.

Yes.

So so like some bad stuff has some not great stuff has happened here and there recently.

And my reaction to it,

To those people has been,

Yeah,

No,

It was bad.

That was bad.

Absolutely.

That was bad.

OK.

It's not today anymore.

Right.

That didn't happen today anymore.

Let's let's forget about it,

You know,

Or not forget about it.

You own it.

This bad thing happened.

Awful acceptance.

That sucks.

This is,

You know,

Some stepping stone through this.

Don't think about it today.

Don't beat yourself up about it today or feel negatively about it today because you're wasting time like you're not.

You're just hurting yourself.

I agree with you.

But like what we need to do is we need to shift the way we're looking at it before we can do that.

Right.

You know,

Because it's just saying,

Well,

Don't don't think about it.

It's well,

Don't think about the color red,

You know,

You're going to think about it.

So it's so it's looking at it,

Reassessing it.

And you know,

When when we say usually when we say something bad happens,

The implication of that is that it shouldn't have happened.

That subconsciously,

We're actually looking at that and going that shouldn't have happened because I deem it bad.

And we need to shift that,

You know,

If it shouldn't have happened.

Well,

It did.

It did happen.

Exactly.

You know,

So it doesn't matter if it should or shouldn't have happened.

Right.

It did.

There really is no should or shouldn't.

No,

There isn't.

It's a fact.

It did.

So if you if you can accept the fact that it did you and the biggest hurdle in this is people think that accepting the reality that something happened means that they have to like it or agree with it.

And that's not true.

You don't have to like it.

You don't have to agree with it.

But you do have to look at it if you expect to be happy and say it happened.

I accept the fact that I happen.

I'm not resisting the fact that it happened.

It happened.

It's just it did.

So now what?

You know,

And you know,

How can I look at it in a way where I'm not a victim?

We have to we really have to stop feeling like a victim of circumstances,

Because when we feel like a victim of circumstances,

That drains our power to change our future.

Yes.

So if we can stop feeling like a victim and go,

Well,

This is just you know,

I mean,

Obviously,

It's a little bit easier when I'm working one on one with somebody because I'm dealing with a specific incident.

So I can help them look at it in a healthier way.

But and hypothetical,

This is kind of a broad area.

But to attempt it in a broad area,

It's just looking at it like,

You know,

It happened.

It's I accept it.

It wasn't it wasn't directed at me.

It was impersonal.

It's just life happens.

You know,

Nobody,

Nobody ever promised anybody a life without pain,

Without experiences.

No,

That that's never been written anywhere where every human has,

You know,

They're supposed to always live without any contrast or controversy in their lives.

I've never seen any sage or religion or anything ever say that that's the case.

So you know,

And the same people that are taking it personally will sit there and go,

Well,

Life can be difficult sometimes.

And they don't seem you know,

That doesn't seem to be a big deal when they're saying it.

And then all of a sudden,

When life acts difficult,

They take it personally and they go,

Why is this happening to me?

Well,

It's because life can be difficult sometimes.

Remember,

You said that two weeks ago.

This is what it looks like when life's being difficult.

So just stand in it and move beyond it.

You know,

And like I said,

It's it's a little bit easier when you're dealing with a specific situation to help somebody through this.

Right.

So let's give some sort of a specific hypothetical situation.

Okay.

Okay.

So let's go with let's go with you.

Okay.

All right.

Let's what is something that you could do?

Say you were throwing an event.

All right.

Last episode,

We talked a lot about the events that you that you've done.

All right.

Now,

Say that you have an event and you want to make it a big deal,

But you get busy.

Something happens and you don't get the result that you want from it.

Yeah.

Right.

No one shows up to the event.

Zero people.

It's up to the event.

I'm sure it has.

It's happened to me.

So you that's a negative thing that just happened that no one showed up to your event.

Well,

That's what that's how most people perceive it.

So I try not to.

But yeah.

Okay.

So you perceive that as a negative thing.

Nobody showed up to your event.

Right.

No one's interested in what I'm doing.

Right.

This is stupid.

Three months later,

You have another event that was scheduled.

You know what?

I'm not going to do it.

That last one was horrible.

You know,

But that might not be really what happened.

But the fact that or,

You know,

Even that like nobody came to the event.

Crap.

It's Monday.

I got to go see Ben and Dave.

I got to record a podcast.

You know,

I'm not really feel the podcast because right.

It's in snowball because nobody came to that event.

So nobody's listening.

Nobody cares what I'm saying.

Right.

You know,

I'm a fraud.

This is your you're taking an event that had its own.

Obviously,

Event means,

You know,

Just the thing that happened.

Not the event that you threw.

But you're you're taking this moment,

This negative as you can place it blame on it,

Negative moment.

And you're letting that affect days past that negative moment.

Right.

And that that affects you.

And then you stop doing the podcast.

And then you never do any events.

It's a good example,

Because this is how people's,

You know,

People's businesses have actually folded because of things like this,

You know,

And people go,

Well,

No,

That's ridiculous.

It's one event.

OK,

Well,

Let's say it happens to five.

You know,

Let's say it happened.

There's all different situations,

But it's our reaction that we can control.

And it's you know,

As you were saying this,

It was it was interesting for me because it allowed me to see how much I don't think like this because it sounded so absurd when you were saying it.

Now,

If I have a client coming to me with these situations,

I can completely connect with them because I get it.

I get how they feel that way because I felt like that in the past.

But it's just been so different for me for a while now that that sounded it sounded silly for me to be thinking like that.

But you know,

But it is a good example nonetheless.

So I mean,

In in that situation,

It's I've been doing this for a long time.

So when somebody doesn't show up to an event like I don't look at it as negative.

Last month,

That happened.

I had a spiritual cinema and it was there was really bad snowstorm like the day before or something.

And people are still reeling from it.

Now the roads were pretty much clear on on that day,

But I you know,

People were still reeling from that snowstorm,

Getting it cleaned up and stuff like that.

And I thought that it might affect the attendance.

And I sat there and I was like,

Well,

You know what,

Whatever whatever is meant to be is meant to be.

If somebody shows up,

I'll have it and it'll be wonderful.

You know,

If not.

And I started I needed to get my taxes done.

So I started doing my taxes online and I was like,

Hey,

If nobody shows up,

It kind of be cool to wipe these taxes out tonight.

Nobody showed.

I ended up doing my taxes that night and getting that off the plate.

So I mean,

That's that's how we can process things.

We don't have to look at it as bad.

We can be like,

Oh,

This gives me the opportunity to do this.

But we can also use it as learning experiences,

You know,

To look at it.

We can if if we're not,

You know,

The the the energy of feeling bad is so heavy when we get caught up in that,

That's all we can see.

You know,

When we have a problem,

That's all we can see is that problem.

And we can't see everything else around it.

But,

You know,

Taking a step back from it and going,

You know,

What can I learn from this?

I'm not a victim of it.

You know,

Like,

What can I learn from this?

What can I do better?

Well,

I might be able to pick a better movie.

I might be able to send out,

You know,

I could have reached out to everybody who was in attendance and say,

Hey,

Ahead of time,

Is this still going to work for you?

Should we push it back a week?

There's things that I could do,

You know,

It's but it's not I don't feel like a victim of it.

You know,

I don't I don't look at it as negative.

I just look at it as,

Oh,

This is this is how it was meant to be.

I've had events at my place where there's a big name in Rhode Island,

This gentleman named Roland Comptois,

And he was nice enough when I first opened my business to come over and do a book signing for me.

And it was really usually he works huge event spaces and things.

And he couldn't do his normal thing at my place,

But he still took time out of his schedule to come over to my place.

Now my place was brand new,

Not that many people knew about it.

And there wasn't that big of an attendance.

So we signed a few books,

People were hanging around and he goes,

You know what we're supposed to do?

Let's sit around and get get in a circle,

And we'll just kind of have an impromptu little get together and where where he kind of guides people and helps people and discusses things he sees going on in their lives and stuff.

So he just kind of sat there impromptu and just went with it.

And the people that were there got such one on one attention,

They were they were so amazed.

People still talk about that the people that were there talk about that two years later,

Like Oh,

Remember when Roland was there and we just did,

You know,

That's the type of stuff that I see in others in this business and that I try to do myself.

If you go with it and don't resist it and say,

Oh,

This turned out the way it was supposed to,

You know,

That's a big part of it.

And also,

How can I learn from this and make it better,

But the negativity doesn't have room to come in.

Okay,

So I'm going to give you two negative examples.

Okay.

All right.

Should I feel on the spot?

Number one of times that I did not react well.

And they've affected us forever.

Number one,

We did a we used to do these things called cameras.

They're musical reviews,

They're a theatrical show,

But they're just song after song after song staged like a variety show.

And we did the first couple years we did these really big ones,

And we sold out this huge venue and in town and everything was great.

Then we had a couple smaller ones a few years later.

And then one time we did a show.

And we did it in a small venue,

Nobody really cared about with a small crew.

And the second show had like 10 people that came to it.

And five of those people were very rude.

We've never done another one of those.

Like it puts such a bad taste in our mouth that it was such a negative experience.

My words,

Such a negative experience that it was like that would be a joke to ever try that again.

But that was something that we really had enjoyed doing for years.

But we let a negative experience not.

.

.

Now I'm not saying that we should or shouldn't have continued doing those,

But it really affected like we didn't do theater again for a couple years after that.

And then.

.

.

Well that's it.

And then a few years later we tried.

.

.

So you had a negative experience and it stopped you from doing a bunch of stuff that you actually enjoyed.

For years we were like,

We can't do anything anymore.

Remember that time?

That sucked.

That was the worst.

And how absurd is that?

Everything went crazy.

And there were times when I've said like,

No,

We just need to do this and this and this and this and this and like change everything and we can do it better.

And it was like,

No,

Because it just sucked.

It just was bad.

It was just bad.

We did bad things.

Bad situations happened.

We can't do this anymore.

And that was the whole outlook on it.

That's horrible.

Because of a negative experience.

So why didn't you look at all the times that it went well and give those the same credence that you did the one time that it went poorly?

Because Glenn,

Those times happened before this time that was bad.

So we wipe off and that's so much of what we do.

We used to be able to do good things.

We can't do good things now.

A bad thing happened.

And that's what we do.

It's like when good things happen,

We don't give any credence to them.

We don't take those in and make them part of us.

We just brush them away and don't give them any attention whatsoever.

Well,

What's next?

That went really well.

Well,

Yeah,

It went pretty well.

I mean,

It could have gone better.

Like we played down our victories and just push them aside and don't give them any attention.

And that's what we need to be giving attention to.

That's what we need to take in.

Instead,

We push the victories aside and then when a negative experience comes in,

We take it to heart and it shifts our entire outlook on things.

And then,

You know,

And it's and what's funny is when we're in that space,

We use this thing called like truth and honesty to hold us there.

We go,

Well,

If I didn't admit to myself that this sucked,

Then I would be lying to myself and I would be living in a delusional world.

And what kind of person does that?

I am better than that.

Like,

It's which is a load of crap because the reality that all you're doing is taking one little piece of evidence when you've got,

You know,

All these other successful things that did happen well and you're not looking at them.

So you're not being honest with yourself.

You're not being truthful with the reality of yourself or the life that you're living.

And you're waving this flag like you're a realist to anchor down your situation,

You know,

And hold yourself in that place,

Which it's just a load.

So,

You know,

Be take that's why taking a step back from this stuff is so important.

Getting putting some distance between you and the situation that happened.

I have yet to meet anyone,

Anyone that's successful or not even me,

Even hear about anyone that was successful in their life in any area who didn't fail along the way.

There's never been a person ever that's ever done that on this planet.

But yet we'll hold ourselves to that standard.

Oh,

Well,

No,

I,

You know,

I failed at something.

So I'm always going to fail at something.

Well,

If you think you are,

Then you are.

Right.

So we really it's we need to look at this stuff differently or else it will it will paralyze us.

It will completely hold us back from ever experiencing happiness fulfillment.

It's you know,

It's that dangerous.

Just specific examples.

A significant other adds a relationship in some horrible way.

Right.

So except that learn from it,

It doesn't mean that you can never be in another relationship again.

It doesn't mean that all men or women are going to do something horrible to you.

No.

And you know,

You know,

And something like that,

Too,

We can especially as we get older,

It's I mean,

I guess we don't need to be older.

But like I'm older,

I'm older than somebody that's not be older.

That would be great.

I'm older than somebody that's 15 or 16.

It's a fact,

You know.

So but like when I've been going through a heartbreak late later in life and going through a difficult situation like that,

It's I look at,

You know,

That one day I was trying to look at things and I was having a tough day with that.

And this was years ago.

And I looked at it and I went remember what it's like to be a teenager with all those hormones rushing through you and all those emotions going through you.

And you don't quite know who you are.

And you're trying to figure it out.

And you're still kind of a child.

But you're still but becoming an adult.

And it's all it's a very difficult and confusing time or else it can be.

And then all of a sudden,

You fall in love for the first time,

You know,

And then all of a sudden,

That's over.

And it feels like your entire world is ending.

That is happening to 15,

16,

17 year old people all around the world today.

And every other day,

There's literally millions of them going through that.

And you know what,

Somehow they're going to make it.

And so maybe I could make it too.

That's putting it in perspective.

It's just it's something you go through and you know,

And it is it difficult?

Absolutely.

You know,

I'm an emotional person.

So once I go in that direction of falling in love,

When that relationship's over,

It's a difficult transition for me.

So it's you know,

It's a hard it's difficult.

But you make it through,

You know,

You keep I kept looking at it trying to learn what I could from the situation.

And I tried not falling into the victimization of it.

My final point,

If your I don't make points.

My final thing that I want to talk about,

So you can make a point is if you are the person that messed up,

If you are the person that inflicted the negative.

Yes.

Right.

Beating yourself up about it does nothing at all.

Every day is a new day.

As you've told us many times,

You have but you still have to look at it differently.

You look at what what it was.

But like that's the thing.

You accept what it was.

And in that way,

You can choose to never do that again.

Right.

You choose to never do it again.

And you can also if you've wronged somebody,

You can make amends for that.

You can do that.

You know,

It's it's it's such a large.

You've rolled yourself.

Oh,

You can definitely make amends to yourself.

You know,

But that's such a large part of the addiction community in recovery,

You know,

Making amends for what they do.

And it's it's funny because the the rest of the world doesn't take advantage of that.

And that because they don't understand how powerful it is,

You know,

People,

Oh,

My God,

I can never do that.

Do you know how freeing that is?

You know,

Once you get a clear understanding that that when you are making amends to somebody,

When you're saying you're sorry for something,

That's not about them and it's not about their reaction and it's not about whether they forgive you.

It's about cleaning your side of the street and just going.

I mean,

I've done it to lots of different people.

Like,

You know,

I may have a slight problem with authority,

We'll say,

Maybe a large problem with authority.

But so over the years,

I've had bosses that,

You know,

My thinking was clear.

I understood my point and how I was trying to live.

But my emotion got the better of me and my delivery of my message was off.

It was disrespectful.

And there's been many a time at a job where I've gone into my boss's office after and said,

Listen,

I need to apologize for the way I handled that.

I still believe in what I was saying,

But my delivery was inappropriate and I want to apologize and I've gotten a lot of respect from people and usually the jaw drops because nobody's ever done anything like that.

And it's amazing how much people respect you when you stand up and take responsibility for your own actions.

And it's,

You know,

Of course nothing happens all the time,

But there is an innate tendency for people to forgive you in that situation and to have respect for you in that situation because underneath it all,

They're human and they've done things like that too.

And the part of them that has behaved inappropriately in certain situations connects to the part of you that behaved inappropriately and you make a connection with that person.

And they're like,

Oh,

You know,

Yeah,

I get it.

Sometimes it happens.

So going back to the,

Where we got the launching off point for this,

Which was your daily reading that you did out of science of the mind,

365 a year of daily wisdom from Ernest Holmes.

At the bottom of that page,

It says,

As far as the controlling our,

Our reaction to negative experiences,

Which is what we're saying is a,

Is a quote,

Be renewed in the spirit of your mind,

Which is Ephesians 423.

It's a biblical quote.

And that's the,

That's it that you accept it.

You change it.

You move on.

You're renewed in the spirit of your mind.

It's all about how you perceive it.

Right.

It's a new day.

You know,

We have every day is,

Is the first day of the rest of our lives and we get to live it however we want.

Yeah.

You know,

We get to start our lives over as,

As many times as we want.

And if people won't help do that.

Well then they should contact me.

Of course.

They can reach me at Glen Ambrose.

Com,

Which is Glen with two ends or life dash enhancement dash services.

Com.

So reach out to me there and I work by phone or Skype.

So as well as in person.

So location is not an issue.

Reach out,

Get some help reshaping these ways of looking at things so they're not holding you back and you can live life to your fullest potential.

So that's going to do it.

Thanks for listening and we'll talk to you soon.

Reviews

Was exceptional, and I will play it as often as I can! I hope to subscribe to his podcast as well! Thank you for the reminder of paying attention to the time things go correctly for at least feeling in my favor!

Great stuff! I really like these talks, they are very "human" as it were, in being based in people trying their best, rather than some mystical understanding you can't quite grasp. Really appreciate this talk, and your work in general. Thanks also for the positive reference to the recovery community - we listen too!

I stumbled upon this talk by accident

Heard some real truth about how I handle negative situations

Thanks for the insight

Yes! Change your vantage point..accept..learn...move on ....focus on the good!

Great show again guys. Keep up the incredible work.

Great perspective. Positive and empoweing. Thanks! 😊🙏 💯

Very much needed to listen to this today. Had a rough day and let my anger get the best of me and as I came home to cool off, I came upon this talk. Very good insight that I hope to put into practice going forward. And while I’ve known for some time about “looking at situations from a different angle,” I find it difficult to implement that in the moment, even as I had just finished listening to Jay Shetty’s podcast on generational curses, which I viewed mine as my family’s New York temper.

Learned: We all fall...now get up!

Great show as always! I love the idea that experiences are just that, experiences, and it is in our power to determine whether they are positive or negative. It’s all a matter of perspective. Thank you so much!!

First of all you mentioned that this would be airing March 6th and that is my birthday haha. Always great things to chew on. Munch, munch. It's really what kind of lens we choose to look through. If I want to see negativity I will. If I want to see positive I will. Like you mentioned it's about intention. Thanks for sharing!

“I’m not going to be a victim of circumstances” is a part of the podcast that did stick to my mind. I appreciate the talk and hope I can remind myself of it on a daily basis, because those thoughts can change us so much (for the better!). Thanks a lot :)

Some very insightful ways of looking at negativity. Excellent as always. Thanks Glenn 💜 x

Wow. Very impactful. Thank you for sharing such an important message. I really connected with it.

Having plan B - (completing taxes instead) making it positive

Great insight, the timing of listening to this is perfect. Reminds me to not dwell on negative experiences. Accept it and move on in a happy and productive way.

Having just been through an exceptionally negative filled experiencecweek, this was perfect. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. Blessings.

I really enjoyed this talk. Thanks guys.

Thanks again for another of your insightful and thought provoking talks.