Putting Yourself First - Mindset Reset

Have you ever heard the saying, “You’ve got to fall in love with yourself first?” Many women reject this idea, but the truth is, the longest relationship you will have during your time on this earth is the relationship you have with yourself. Therefore, nurturing yourself is highly important, and if you want to have a life that is together, abundant, and truly in alignment, you must put yourself first.

Margaret from Austin, Texas, wrote in and said, “I struggle to put myself first in all areas of my life. I find myself giving more than I should because I want to be a good person. How can we hold space for ourselves without feeling selfish or guilty? And, are there ways that I can check in with myself to know if I’m putting myself first?”

This mindset reset breaks down how to get out of guilt and shame, and we walk through how to release the "norm" of selfishness.

Transcript

Have you ever heard the saying you've got to fall in love with yourself first? Many women reject this idea But the truth is the longest relationship you will have during your time on this earth is the relationship you have with yourself Nurturing yourself is highly important And if you want to get your life together be abundant and truly be in alignment You have to put yourself first Margaret from Austin, Texas wrote in and said Danielle in the year that I've been following your work I have been working towards owning my life and deeply caring about myself I've made my mental health emotional well-being sleep nutrition physical activity and Relationships a priority. However, I'm still struggling to put myself first in all areas of my life I know you've said multiple times that we must hold space for ourselves and our needs But honestly, I still find myself giving more than I should because I want to be a good person How can we hold space for ourselves without feeling selfish or guilty and are there ways that I can check in with? Myself to know if I'm putting myself first Fantastic question Margaret. Thank you so much You know many of us do really need a measuring system to know if we're putting ourselves in first position And that's exactly what we're gonna work through and reset today now doing this work comes in a few simple and easy ways as simple as asking ourselves a few questions and There's a few pieces. I want to get to first as for holding space for ourselves I absolutely love that. This is a focus and I hope it's a focus for you, Too Yet for those that do not know what this means Holding space for yourselves means to be really present with yourself without judgment it means you are willing to listen to your own needs act from a grounded place of self-love trust and respect and Ultimately practice empathy and compassion but inward, Right? It's an essential act of putting yourself first and before we dive into the rest of the question I really want to touch on quote being a good person first Understand that being a good person has many definitions for each of us One person may think that being a good person means that you do the right thing at all cost Even the cost of yourself, You know doing the things that you dislike or disrupt your life because you want to be helpful to others Others may see being a good person by you know Not speaking up for themselves not rocking the boat or staying small to make others comfortable With their own unwillingness to take control of their lives Others believe that it's living and trying to do your best every day, Right? There are so many definitions but the problem with quote being a good person means that we are often doing things that are Unkind to ourselves and we do it without question or even realizing the long-term impact And so we're gonna move through that piece today, Too The deal is this when we put ourselves first in a genuine way We realize that being a good person starts with how we treat ourselves When we treat ourselves, Well, We then have the ability to engage with others in a grounded and heartfelt way We also realize that no one else is going to save us or do the work for us, You know with this understanding We can realize that we cannot do the work for others as well It's a big aha moment when we realize, You know We're the princess that has to pick up our own sword and slay our own dragons, Right? Alright with this understanding on the table Let's jump right into the next part of the question and it is are there ways to check in and know if you're putting yourself First and the answer is of course there are and honestly, It is a very simple practice It is as simple as asking questions But first we have to really put ourselves and our lives in first position What does that mean? It really means in the position or the perspective of I Right. We don't do this very often unless we're talking about things that we need to do or things that you know Maybe negative. So the I perspective in first position is I need I want I am Right. I This is getting into a place where you don't see your goals needs and desires as something separate from yourself but instead in the mindset of how this impacts you and only you I How do I feel? How do I want to be how am I moving through my life? To help, You know, If you are actually in first position when you are doing something for another person Understand that they would not be in the I position They would be in the second position and that sounds like you it is the perspective of You are doing this or you are doing that you is someone else Right, So I is me you is someone beyond you. There is another position. It's third position You know if you've ever studied English or any kind of literature at all This is something that we talk about while writing first second and third position This is active within our lives as well So third position is the he she it they perspective So more of a collective group as to ways to check in and know if you're putting yourself first We literally tune in and turn inward into that first position So anytime someone comes to you and says, You know I need your help in that space where you are giving more of yourself You would tune in and ask yourself a series of questions Now these questions are mere examples, But of course you can make them work for you But this does help you move into that lens of first position. So as a request for your time or your Emotional space or physical space comes in you can ask yourself in first position. How do I feel today? Do I have space mentally emotionally and physically to help someone else? If your immediate answer is no, Then of course instead of the automatic Yes that we often give you would simply hold space for yourself and simply say no Often it's here in the thoughts of being a good person that we push aside the first position and go into Second position to make the second the priority over your own needs Next you can ask what is important to me today? Do I in first position have an agenda that will help support my life in the short term and long term? And if so, If I push that agenda aside Will this impact me negatively or positively? This is a great way to check in and also gauge your time and energy We often don't have time for new things that are being offered But because we don't want to upset the second position or even the third position we change our focus and our original needs and hand over more than we have to actually give a Few other questions that we could really use would be What do I need to do for myself to make today the best experience that I can have? This is a big one how many of us actually ask ourself that question? Another question you can ask is how can I best care for myself today? And does this actually help me do so? These are extremely simple ways to tune in put yourself first and become mindful of What you need and want Remember that old saying you can't pour from an empty cup. It's so true now as the holding space without guilt This is a big one that so many of us struggle with I want you to realize that saying no isn't really a no Instead it's all about really owning your own space your values your principles and most importantly your need It's about prioritizing that first position what's most important to you as I mentioned just a moment ago and This is a big thing because once you have clarity around what you want and why you want it you can create Very clear standards around those needs and that becomes easier to say no from that perspective And I want you to realize that there's a deeper meaning behind the no Because once you give yourself permission to say no to what doesn't serve you to these little things that come in and really disrupt what you need you begin to feel more empowered and Opposed to fearful or worried that you're gonna hurt somebody else's feelings you let that guilt really fall away Because you're saying yes to you for every no there's a yes and for every yes There's a no so where is the perspective a lot of people feel like that is selfish But again, You can't pour from an empty cup So, How can you say no in a guilt-free first position way? The first thing you can do is delay your answer, Right? Hold that space remove the pressure from it and give yourself some time to think About how the ask will impact you, You know a simple way would be I need to think about this Can I get back to you in a few days or if there's high pressure just say, You know what? I need a few hours to think about this and I'll let you know or Another way to say it would be I need to check my schedule. Things are pretty full right now immediate answers Often put us in the second or third position and it's generally where we do not want to be And those positions don't often serve us the best. The second way to do this would be to make a counter offer You know, I don't actually have full time to commit to the big ask right now But maybe I can take on a smaller role or maybe I can answer some questions for you That will help you get started or maybe I can connect you with a friend who I know can better serve you You know this too removes guilt. The third way is to be firm in your answer Meaning it's okay to start with the no, Right? You don't have to justify your answer or your reasoning, You know guilt often comes when we allow space for doubt or Fear really right fear that someone's not gonna like you because you've said no just be firm. No is a complete sentence The fourth way is to keep it brief if you feel like you need to explain Often when we're trying to be a good person or trying to be kind we go into depth Justifying why we said no and we open the door for wiggle room Instead just keep it brief. You know, One of my favorite sayings is I'm sorry I just don't have bandwidth for that right now. It's a big thing It's a very simple sentence, But most people get that, You know I don't have time for it right at this moment when we hold space for ourselves without guilt We do it by being honest We don't apologize for taking up our own space and we keep firm in our first position You know holding space is so necessary putting yourself first is a huge priority and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it Doing so creates self-acceptance Not an adverse relationship with yourself, Right? So there is no selfishness when you're putting yourself first again The longest relationship you will have is the relationship with yourself in all the kindness that you do for others You absolutely must Offer it to yourself. I want to thank you Margaret from Austin, Texas for such a great question I challenge all of you to hold space for yourself Put yourself in first position say no without guilt and realize that being a good person means that you hold space for you, Too and Doing so is really an essential life tool that will help you elevate and reset your mindset Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode which originally aired on the get your life together girl podcast Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on inside timer for more courses meditations and additional conversations until next time be kind to yourself and Others