A guide for making room for grief at work and home.
Have you ever created intentional space in your life for grief?
Really committed to clearing things out of the way to feel and process those emotions of loss and sadness completely?
It's important to note that grief comes in many shapes.
A loss of a life,
A job,
Friendship,
Home,
Or even neighborhood to name a few.
Any time we're moving from one normal into another one,
Grief can be a part of the package.
Yet most of us don't take the time and space to experience and feel it for what it is.
I never knew that was possible until my grandparents died.
Like most of us,
I've had my share of grief to process in life,
And in all instances,
I went through the motions and then seemed to just move on.
In the case of a death,
I would go to the funeral,
Accept condolences,
And then go back to my routine at work,
At home,
With loved ones and strangers.
I'd pick myself up,
Numb myself out,
And go back into those regular motions.
This included my father's passing a couple of years ago.
My grief consisted of a few days on the couch,
Eating junk food and watching movies.
Then I picked myself up and moved forward,
No self-care,
No reflection,
Just back into the motions.
And that's certainly one way to handle it,
But how I chose to process my grief more recently was so much kinder to myself,
And just maybe the kindest thing I've ever done for myself.
Death is the only thing that we all know is coming,
Yet we're always so surprised when it happens.
For example,
When my grandparents died and knew they were going to be with us for a short while longer,
I made some serious choices.
Choice number one,
There was literally nothing more important in my life than saying goodbye in a way that felt like I was honoring them and myself.
Choice number two,
I was going to allow my daily experience of grief to be a priority in my life by making space for it.
Once those choices were cemented in my mind as the only things with real significance,
Everything else fell into place.
And it's my hope that these may apply to your life too.
The first thing I did was I canceled all non-essential meetings.
To be kind to myself,
I blind copied everyone at once,
Told them why I needed to reschedule,
And counted that as done in a matter of a few minutes.
The immediate wait that came from reclaiming a minimum of 15 hours of my week was enormous.
Everyone was so extremely kind and supportive of my need to reschedule.
I kept three essential meetings and used the rest of my time working on things that comforted me and allowed me the space to think clearly and with kindness.
And then it got me thinking,
Why did I have 15 non-essential meetings on my calendar anyway?
How about you?
If you were to clear out all non-essential meetings,
How much time would you recoup?
How would that feel?
Would you be able to use that time to honor your emotional experience?
The second thing I did was make space for self-care every day.
Things like going to therapy,
Taking a bath,
Walks in nature,
Reading,
Meditating,
And writing were all on my list.
Every day there was one scheduled item of self-care on my agenda,
Meaning that it was a commitment I was keeping.
In a week,
I had given myself the gift of self-care in a way that seemed like pure indulgence.
Each act rejuvenated me in a way that sent messages of,
Yes,
My body is important to care for.
Yes,
My spirit is important to nourish.
Thank goodness I can move slowly and be kind to myself.
When I look back,
None of those actions were longer than 90 minutes and took way less than the time I had given myself space for by removing those non-essential meetings.
What kind of self-care would make you have those feelings?
The third thing I did was reignited good habits.
I meditated,
Did some form of physical activity,
And cooked the most delicious meals with my husband every night.
These again seemed like a luxury to me when I do all three in one day,
Let alone all three for weeks straight every day.
These habits are a direct reflection of my values and things that always make me feel centered and on a good path when I regularly activate them in my life.
I just didn't think I had space for them all in one day.
Certainly never did I think that before,
And I was so very wrong.
What good habits could you reignite to align more deeply with your values?
The fourth thing I did was allow myself to feel what I was feeling without judgment.
What was most important throughout all of these experiences was making room for my emotions.
If I needed to full out cry and curl up into a ball,
I did.
If I needed to hold and rock myself and remind myself that everything was going to be okay,
I did.
If memories of the past were ignited by a smell,
Sound,
Sight,
Or taste,
I gave them the space to cherish them and be relived.
Each moment of emotion was just another piece of data that I was able to use as new wisdom for knowing what my grief looks like and what my grief feels like.
I didn't hurry through it.
I appreciated and loved it for what it was.
What would you need to shift for you in order to feel your feelings of grief without judgment?
Having done these four things literally changed my life,
And I believe they have the power to change yours too.
It helped me to realize my values more deeply,
Appreciate and support people in my life,
And make space to cherish the memories of the past.
In a time we are all working so damn hard,
It can feel impossible to push pause.
But when you do,
Your soul always thanks you.
When I made intentional room for grief,
It felt like I was swimming in warm molasses in all the best ways possible.
In a matter of minutes,
I'm making these executive decisions in life.
I gained immense clarity and gratitude for the gifts in simplicity.
I am always saying my goal is to live a simple,
Values-driven life.
The last gift my grandparents gave me was the realization that I can have that now.
I am the one getting in my own way of making that reality,
And that was an epiphany that I will take with me as I build the life I want to live.
I gained that knowing by making space for grief.
So while I offer these suggestions as a possible guide in grief,
We must remember that grief is a walk alone.
Others can be there and listen,
But you will walk down your own path,
At your own pace,
With your own pain.
You will come to your own peace,
In your own time,
In whatever way makes sense for you.
My experience is not yours,
And it is not a suggestion that one size fits all.
It's far from that,
When it comes to loss.
And grief doesn't simply go away in time.
It's just that our lives around that grief get bigger and therefore the intensity of its feeling simply take a new shape.
When you honor that process and pace,
It can create incredible new awarenesses and openings for you.
Grief is the last act of love we give to those we loved.
So where there is deep grief,
There was great love.
And that's what my life has felt like lately,
Fueled with love,
Reflection,
And gratitude.
Will you make room for your grief?
