The Power Of Self-Gentleness - Live Recording 19 May 2023

This is the recording of Femke's Monthly Friday Live of 19 May 2023, in which she talks about self-gentleness, and then guides you in a meditation to experience for yourself how you can become more gentle with yourself.

For more on self-gentleness, check Femke's track list and courses on Insight Timer

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome to my monthly live.

I'm so happy to be here back with you.

And the topic of today is the power of self-gentleness.

Coincidentally,

Or maybe not,

It's the title of a TEDx talk that I held not so long ago.

And why is that?

Because I teach self-gentleness here on Insight Timer with you guys as a meditation teacher.

So.

I'm going to take one moment.

To breathe.

An act of self-gentleness to myself,

Because I feel really moved by this,

It really touched me and that is incomparable to whatever Evie is experiencing,

Of course.

But I do want to treat myself with self-gentleness.

After all,

Today I speak about the power of self-gentleness.

And what is that then self-gentleness?

Well,

My definition is this.

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

Shall I say it again?

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

And it might sound easy,

Right?

You can think of the time that you were gentle to yourself.

Do it for a moment.

When are you gentle for yourself?

When you're doing something well.

When you're proud of yourself.

When you feel you've got this.

When you look in the mirror and you think,

Oh,

My hair looks really good today.

Then you're gentle for yourself,

Right?

Yeah.

But can you also do that consistently?

When you make a mistake.

When you trip and fall.

When you feel guilty.

When you feel tired,

Too tired.

When you feel inadequate.

When you feel that you have failed.

Can you extend yourself that same gentleness?

Can you find that voice within that starts to soothe yourself to say,

Well,

It's OK,

Everyone makes mistakes.

Everyone does things wrong.

You know what?

Sometimes from the wrong things,

Beautiful things are born.

And can you do so radically?

Also in the face of others who have high expectations of you,

Or at least you might think they have high expectations of you because that is how you are have trained your mind to think about others in the face of others.

Can you also radically be gentle to yourself if you cannot meet those expectations?

That's a hard one,

Right?

We are social animals.

We live and thrive in groups.

We live and thrives even if the group is just two persons.

We live and thrive with the interactions with others.

And at the same time,

Those interactions can make our lives so hard sometimes.

And that has to do with expectations we hold of each other and many expectations we in our heads think that others have of us.

And that confuses things.

Being self-gentle also means radically being gentle to yourself before you start to extend that gentleness to others.

And it sounds selfish,

Right?

I know a lot of people tell me,

But Temke,

That sounds so selfish to do that.

But actually it's not.

Because the more gentle you become for yourself,

The more you start to feel and understand that we are all human beings who have feelings,

Who are tripping and falling,

Who are making mistakes,

Who aren't perfect.

And the more we understand and let ourselves be imperfect,

It opens up the way you look at others.

It opens up an understanding that you can also be gentle to others.

And then,

My dear friends,

The world starts to rock.

And it starts with being gentle to you.

So why do I use the word gentle and not love?

Self-love.

We hear it everywhere.

Thousands or maybe millions of books written about self-love.

But it sounds like such a task.

Just the word love has so many connotations for so many people.

But gentle,

Being gentle to yourself,

That sounds feasible.

That sounds like something that you can do right now or maybe in the next minute or maybe tonight.

And I think that goes with the principle of self-gentleness.

Making it easy for yourself.

So my next live,

Which is going to be on,

I wrote it down,

The 9th of June,

Is right about that.

It's exactly about that.

It's live life with ease.

And self-gentleness offers tools to start living your life with more ease.

So how do we do that?

Well,

When you go to my tracklist on Insight Time,

You will find there are several tracks that have self-gentleness in the title.

Some previous lives that I've recorded with the meditation,

Which we will also do in a minute.

I will guide you through a meditation that will help you to be self-gentle.

And if you have a premium subscription on Insight Time,

Which I would really recommend if you have the means,

It's not that much.

It's about $60 a year and you have access to 2,

000 courses of the best meditation teachers in the world,

Including me.

And there is also a course that I created on self-gentleness.

It's a mini course.

It's written.

It's basically just four days of the basics.

And then there are more three practices that you can do.

And if you speak Dutch,

As I know some of you do,

There's even a longer course on self-gentleness.

And I'm currently also working on other stuff about self-gentleness.

So the practices that you can find in my free tracklist are the three most important practices that you can do to start being self-gentle.

And they cost only a few minutes.

The first one is this.

In the evening,

When you are in bed and you're really ready to go to sleep.

So you've read your book or you watch your iPad or you made love with your loved one.

Whatever you did,

You're ready to go to sleep.

The lights are off,

The blanket or the sheet is all over you.

You close your eyes and then.

What you do first is think of three things that you are grateful for in your life.

Three things.

It could be big things,

It could be small things,

It could be things that happen this day.

It could be things that are happening all the time.

And it doesn't matter if it's big or small,

Just something that you can appreciate.

And by focusing briefly on these three things,

You cultivate the feeling of gratefulness,

The feeling of appreciation.

And we know from a lot of research that this is really,

Really beneficial for people to improve their perception of well-being.

By focusing on gratefulness,

We ignite something within ourselves that is really good for us.

So you focus briefly on these things or people or situations that you're grateful for,

That you appreciate.

And then you set the intention for the next day.

You tell yourself tomorrow when I wake up,

It's a new day,

A new day with new possibilities,

Everything is right open again.

I don't need to pick up where I left today.

I can just start my day fresh and new.

And then you go to sleep.

So there is an evening practice,

Self-gentleness evening practice in my track list,

It's all for free.

You can find it there to do it just before you go to sleep.

Then the first thing in the morning,

You wake up gently.

You don't open your eyes yet.

You just with your eyes closed while you're still basking in the comfortableness of your bed,

You tell yourself,

Good morning,

Darling.

How are you?

And you spend some time to listen to the answer.

And that answer doesn't have to be everything is good.

It's a whole new day full of possibilities.

Like the intention that you said.

Well,

If you feel that,

Well done.

But maybe you don't feel like that,

But that's okay.

You just listen to yourself and you acknowledge what is going on.

And then you ask yourself,

Still your eyes closed.

What is it that you need,

My darling?

And you listen to the answer.

And that answer can differ from moment to moment,

From day to day.

The answer can be,

I'm so tired,

I need to sleep more.

The answer can be,

I feel like working out.

I want to get out of bed and run.

I need some coffee right now.

I want to see my kids and kiss them.

I cannot wait to start working.

I just want to lie here and read a book for an hour.

It can all be there.

And there's so many other possibilities that you can think of right in the moment.

And then if you can honor that need,

Do it.

And if you cannot honor that need,

Which is understandable because we have lives,

We have jobs,

We have kids,

We have people to take care of.

We have ourselves to take care of.

If we cannot honor the need right now,

Then promise yourself you will come back to this in a later moment.

So if the message was,

I need more sleep,

But you have to get up,

Then take a nice stroll at lunch,

Take a power nap somewhere in between.

Cancel that dinner date and go to sleep early.

Take the weekend off so you can sleep and rest and do something fun to relax.

Whatever it is that you need,

Promise yourself if you cannot meet the need right now,

That you will do so later on.

So that is a lovely morning practice to wake up.

Self gentleness.

Also free my track list.

The third one is tuning in.

You can also find it in my track list.

It's just a few minutes.

You could do it even when you're in a restroom for one minute.

It's just being with yourself,

Closing your eyes,

Bring your attention inward,

Feeling what is going on within my body.

So often we are tired and we just push over this.

We don't want to feel that our feet are hurting.

We don't want to feel that our head is spinning.

We don't want to feel that we actually would like to close our eyes.

Or sometimes we are really hurt by something or sad or really happy.

But because we have the rush,

We don't take the time to acknowledge what is in our hearts.

So just a moment to tune in,

To feel how is my body?

How is my emotional life?

What's going on with me?

Are there repetitive thoughts that are bugging me?

Do I need some meditation to let go of this?

And this tuning in is just like in the morning,

Tuning in,

Feeling what is going on within you and honoring that.

And with honoring,

I don't always mean that you have to immediately follow those needs because life happens.

If you cannot then acknowledge what it is and come back to it later.

Promise yourself you will come back to it later.

And you will come back to it later.

So this is this is this one is called self gentleness tuning in.

So these three practices in total is not even 10 minutes a day.

And if you start doing this for,

Let's say,

A month,

You start to significantly improve your perception of well-being.

You really start to help yourself to become aware of what it is that you need,

What your body needs,

What your heart needs,

What your heart needs.

We,

Including myself,

We are so trained to get into the rush of life,

Of everything that is expected from ourselves,

Everything that is expected from others,

The obligations that we have,

The responsibilities that we have.

And that's all fine.

We chose many of those things and we want to do that.

We want to do our jobs well.

We want to raise our kids.

We want to give them whatever whatever they need.

But we sometimes forget about ourselves.

And when we do that too often,

When we rush over ourselves,

We don't help ourselves.

And and then we tend to get stuck in those expectations that we hold about ourselves,

And then we start to expect things from others to compensate for us,

Where you can get this sense of codependency and all kind of things that are not beneficial for us.

I so believe in people taking responsibility for their own well-being,

How they feel.

And I know it's hard.

I know it's hard,

Especially when you have lovely people around you that want to take care of you,

That are there for you.

But still,

The power that you will experience when you know that you have the tools,

The tools to take care of yourself simply by being gentle,

Simply by acknowledging what is going on and finding the soothing words for yourself if you need it,

To become the parent of yourself.

The parent that will tell you that you are loved no matter what.

The parent that tells you that you're doing it so well,

Even when you make mistakes,

Even when you're not succeeding in the way that you would love to do it.

You are OK.

You are loved.

You're worthy.

You never have to prove yourself to anyone by being successful,

By becoming rich,

By being there for others at the expense of yourself.

The only thing you have to do is to be kind to yourself.

And that,

My friends,

Is a very powerful tool.

If you are someone who cares about the world,

And I know most of you are very empathic,

Most of you really want,

You know,

The best for others,

The best for the world.

Many of you are taking care of many others.

And I love you for that.

I love your big hearts.

Becoming self-gentle will help you to replenish yourself,

To become more powerful within yourself so you can actually do that for others.

And like I just said,

When you expect less of you,

When you're more gentle with you,

When you accept more your ups and downs,

Your emotions,

Your feelings,

Your heartbreaks,

Your pains,

You will also be able to do this for others.

And this brings a tenderness and softness to in the world that will change the world.

Maybe not at large,

But around you,

Within you.

And that is exactly where it starts.

And that is why I am such a proponent from self-gentleness.

So am I pleading here for selfishness?

You could call it like that.

But if anyone ever tells you that you are selfish because you think of taking care of yourself first over them,

Then just think what they're asking of you.

They're asking you to be there for them first,

While you need to take care of you.

Now,

Who's selfish?

Yeah,

I thought so.

And they might not even realize it,

And they might be really depending on you.

I know,

You know,

There are situations like that.

But still,

You always have the right to be gentle with you first.

So if you've been here very often,

You know my analogy.

When you're in a plane,

The cabin personnel will tell you in case of an emergency,

First put the oxygen mask on yourself and only then take care of others.

Even your small kids.

Why?

It's simple.

Without oxygen,

You cannot breathe.

You cannot help.

It's the same with self-gentleness.

When you deplete yourself,

When you give everything from yourself to others at the expense of you,

You will get burnout.

You get tired.

You get cranky.

You will get resentful.

Whatever's going on,

It is not the way to go.

So self-gentleness.

I'll just see if there are some questions and then I will guide you in a meditation.

We're just going to explore a little bit those feelings of tuning in,

Where you can find it in your body,

Where you can find it in your heart,

What you can do with whatever's stirred up.

And then I want you to feel that you are so loved.

And that is something that you can always connect to when you meditate,

When you go within,

When you extend that gentleness towards yourself.

You are able to realize,

To feel how loved you are,

How worthy you are.

And I'm going to guide you there so that next time you can follow that path by yourself and doing it,

Because I believe a lot in explaining these things.

But I believe even more in your own experience and your own ability to do this,

Because you can do this.

You don't need me for this.

I'm just telling you about it.

I'm pointing you in the right way,

But you can do this.

All right.

Let me take a look if there are any questions.

Let's see.

Where are we?

Hearts.

For Evie.

Yes.

Hi,

Angela.

Hi,

Peter.

Thank you so much.

I'm happy,

Mel,

That you can be in the next slide.

That's great.

Here's a question from Angela.

Angela asked about the evening practice.

Do they need to be three things every night?

No,

It's the most important thing is when you think of three things to be grateful for,

That you pick something that you can feel that appreciation.

So some people need new stuff to think about.

But Angela,

I know you have lovely dogs,

And I can imagine that when you think of your dog,

That every time again,

You feel grateful or not.

I don't know.

But if that's the case,

You can think of your dogs.

So just notice how you feel when you think of the things or people or persons or situations you feel grateful for,

If it resonates,

If it indeed ignites that feeling of gratefulness and if those are the same things.

No problem.

But if you need new things and think of new things.

And I know why you ask,

Because I know that often teachers who speak about gratefulness,

That they say you have to pick new things every time.

The good thing of picking new things is that you help yourself to see things around you that you're grateful for.

You sometimes you have to search for it.

And they're so easily found.

You know,

A flower that you see,

The slowness of a snail going over the ground or,

You know,

It can be the smallest things,

But take it easy.

Make it do it in a way that feels good to you.

And most important is that you feel that gratefulness.

Hi,

Laura.

Laura says I'm learning about that still found it difficult to find that voice.

Yeah,

I can I can imagine that.

But you will get there.

You will find it soothing voice.

The more you start to tune in,

The more you start to connect with whatever's going on and not being angry at yourself that you need to sleep when you need to do things and to just acknowledge,

Well,

I'm tired,

I have to get up now.

But you know what?

I'm going to make sure that I will get some more rest later today or tomorrow or this weekend,

Then you will find it soothing voice,

Allowing yourself to listen to those needs and trying to honor those,

At least hear them out,

Knowing there it will ignite that soothing voice within.

And Monica says what you're saying is so true.

Thank you so much,

Monica.

Our self gentleness and self compassion,

The same thing in essence.

Yes,

Self compassion and self gentleness and self love.

These are all words that are about you taking care of you.

Why I found the word self gentleness,

It's it's like I just explained,

It's in that the gentleness,

Also compassion.

It's a big word for some people.

A lot of people have compassion for others,

But not so much for ourselves.

We're really harsh and gentleness.

It just sounds easier,

At least for me.

For me,

That word really,

Really worked.

Not to think too big,

To,

You know,

Not to be too perfectionist about taking care of myself,

It's like a sneaky route into the self love,

Self compassion,

Self adoration,

Everything that has to do with the self.

But yeah,

In a sense,

It has a lot of familiarities,

Of course.

Mary Sue says,

Oh,

Thank you,

Femke.

So not selfish,

Being empathic to ourselves.

That's something that I've tried to teach my boys,

Too.

They've been told that they're sensitive,

Not necessarily in a kind way,

But I'm so proud of their kindness to others.

Oh,

They're so lucky to have you,

Mary Sue,

Because especially to men,

But actually to everyone.

We so ignore our sensitivity in this world.

And while we're all sensitive beings,

Emotions,

Our senses are such a big part of our lives.

Well,

We all try to use our heads to to move around,

To do things,

To understand things while we sense so many things with just our senses,

But also our hearts.

And to have a mother that says it's OK that you are sensitive because that's what makes you human,

They're so lucky to have you.

And I'm sorry for them that they've been told that they're too sensitive.

I think many of us have heard that men maybe more than women.

But I can tell you also I have heard it.

Actually,

I'm a highly sensitive person and it's something that only recently I start to acknowledge fully in the sense that I always knew that I was sensitive.

But I blame myself for it when I was touched so quickly,

When I had to cry with the movie,

When someone said something fierce that I felt my my tears getting in my eyes,

I felt that I was doing something wrong by being sensitive.

It's only recently that I start to acknowledge that it is OK to be sensitive.

It might feel unpleasant sometimes,

But there is a value in that.

And I think that extending self-gentleness to yourself helps you to acknowledge that sensitivity is a good thing.

Because.

On the side,

On the other side of sadness is joy.

On the other side of being angry to someone is loving someone.

And it sounds like it's a contradiction.

It sounds like it's two poles,

But actually it's like a flow of energy that can connect.

And by acknowledging that you are angry,

For instance,

Or sad or touched or hurt or frustrated,

You open up the road to feel also all those other emotions.

Because if you suppress the unpleasant emotions,

Then you also suppress the pleasant emotions.

And then before we know it,

We keep everything down.

And we know only two flavors of emotions,

Like being angry and being being pretty OK.

But we want more,

Right?

The palette of emotions is so broad,

So wide.

And I know it's unpleasant to feel emotions sometimes.

But they are there.

And I've also experienced that by feeling them,

Living them,

Acknowledging them,

Letting them come through you and out of you,

You give yourself a big gift.

I know I've spoken about this before in my lives about emotions,

And I refer to the work of John Rosenberg,

Who has a beautiful TED Talk about emotions,

How they come in waves that you can experience physiologically.

So if you detach the stories,

Why you're feeling something and you just experience how it feels in your body,

How your skin flushes or how your stomach responds,

That you see that are coming like waves that take about 60 to 90 seconds and they peter out and then comes another one.

And if you can just ride those waves,

I always call these serving the goal,

Serving the waves of emotion,

Then they can become less and less.

Like,

You know,

When a storm at the ocean,

The waves are really high.

But then when you when the wind goes down,

They peter out and it gets slower and slower and smaller and smaller until the surface is flat again.

But if we feel this emotion and we try to fight it,

Fight against it,

Not feel it,

It becomes a tsunami.

And if we don't let that go,

It gets stuck within our bodies.

And one moment or the other,

They will come out.

And then it will be even more unpleasant.

And it's kind of an art to learn.

So if you want to hear more about it,

It is in my track list.

So the recorded lives,

They're pretty long.

So they're listened to less only by people who really want to hear them all.

So they're all down to the track list.

All there are many,

Many recorded lives.

Just take a look if you are interested to listening about that.

There are several that speak about emotions.

Great question,

Mary Sue,

Thank you so much.

For Mark,

Actually,

It was.

Monica says you agree with yourself,

Gentle is more accessible.

Yeah,

Mel,

That's a great example of these emotions that you were upset about something and then you realize that you were judging yourself for being upset.

You know,

We all have this.

I also have this every time I have an unpleasant emotion.

Then I first start in my head to blame myself for feeling the emotion.

Why am I feeling like this?

Why am I not normal?

It was even today that I was asking myself when I had a really strong emotion.

Why am I not normal?

Well,

Normal doesn't exist.

I always tell everyone normal doesn't exist,

But still that gets into my head.

And then I just have to breathe and tune in and to realize that it is OK to feel.

So,

You know,

I'm teaching self gentleness.

I'm giving you all these tools that I'm using myself.

Also,

I can say I'm a master at self gentleness,

But I'm not perfect.

Also,

I am failing very often in this.

Also,

I have to remind myself or even,

You know,

My partner has to remind me,

Hey,

You're a teacher of self gentleness,

Be self gentle,

Well extend this gentleness to others.

So bottom line.

Self gentleness,

Becoming gentle to yourself,

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

It's all about a lifelong work in progress process,

It's a process lifelong,

It's like peeling an onion,

You will get better at it,

You will start to know your own manual,

But yeah,

Life happens and we we continue to grow.

We continue to have new wishes,

New desires,

New interactions,

New faces in life.

All challenges that we can meet with self gentleness.

All right,

Let's see.

Laura says it would be beautiful to all have parents who say sensitive is beautiful.

Yes,

We all would love to have Mary Sue as a mother,

Right?

Yes,

Absolutely.

But the beautiful thing is we don't need our parents to do it if they,

Because of their own reasons,

Are unable to say that.

And that's just because they heard it probably from their parents of others around them.

You can start to tell it to yourself.

It's OK to be sensitive.

All right,

So speaking more about emotions.

Waves of emotions,

Janice,

Yes,

Absolutely.

Oh,

That is great idea,

Mel,

To schedule the the life about the emotions for maybe for next week.

Thank you so much.

I didn't think of that.

Thank you so much,

Mel.

I'm so grateful for your help here.

Thank you.

Yes,

Janice,

Join the group for sure.

Hi Denzel,

Lovely that you're here.

All right,

Let's meditate,

Right?

We're already more than half an hour in.

Let's just take half an hour to to meditate together and then I will come back here and we can chit chat,

You can ask some questions and I will close up.

I will probably go over the hour.

So just that you know that if you go out after the hour,

You cannot come back.

So I just know that.

Oh,

Thank you,

Laura.

I'm happy that you say that not everyone is so open.

That's that's true.

Yes.

All right.

Oh,

Yeah,

Before I start,

If you go to my profile later on and there is a link there,

You can download this is a self gentleness checklist with some practices that you can do.

It's just for free.

So you can download that just that you know that.

All right.

Now,

Let's start to just sit comfortable or if you prefer to lie down,

That's also fine if you're lying down,

You might fall asleep,

But it's OK.

Be gentle.

Your body just needs to rest.

And it's always when you when you fall asleep during meditation,

Your body is just saying,

Oh,

I need some rest.

All right.

Are you sitting comfortable?

Can you feel your buttocks on the chair,

On the seat,

On the floor?

You can lean against the back of the chair or the wall.

Or your mattress,

If you're lying down,

Just make yourself comfortable.

Meditation should be easy always.

Now,

Let's just take a breath in.

And then breathe out and we make that breath long.

Just make it as long as you can,

And sometimes it can even help you to make a sound when you're breathing out,

So you're breathing in.

Ah.

Can you feel how incredibly relaxing it is to have this really long out breath and make a sound with it?

It feels divine.

Let's do it again.

You're letting go,

You know that?

You're letting go.

Let's breathe in.

And out.

And just so you know,

If you have people around you,

You don't have to make that sound,

I can understand that it might be embarrassing to do that.

That's OK.

Then just breathe out.

One more time.

Breathe in.

And out.

Now,

If you haven't closed your eyes already,

You can just close them now.

And take a moment to feel your body again.

Can you feel that the way you're sitting right now is different from before?

How your buttocks have sank a little bit deeper into the chair.

Your shoulders are softer,

Your belly is not pulled in anymore.

Your arms are relaxed in your lap.

Your face is more relaxed.

And you notice that everything within is becoming more quiet,

More calm.

Maybe there is still some inner noise,

But that's OK.

Relative to how you started,

There is more ease.

More quietness.

More calmness.

All right,

Now.

Bring your attention for a moment to your heart.

The middle of your chest.

If you want,

You can put your hand there.

And if it's hard to bring your attention to your heart,

Then you can imagine a light there.

Light shining.

Glowing.

It might be big,

It might be small.

It might be colored,

It might be white.

Just give it a color of your liking.

While your attention is on your heart,

You can ask yourself,

What's going on within my heart?

And I don't mean this question to bring it to your head right now.

Let your heart answer.

Your heart can whisper an answer,

But it can also give you an image,

A feeling,

A sound,

A song,

A smell.

Whatever it is,

It is OK.

What is it that your heart wants to tell you right now?

It might be that you feel an emotion right now.

It might be an unpleasant emotion.

And with unpleasant I mean an emotion that doesn't feel so good in your body.

It might be that emotion that you're feeling does feel pleasant.

And actually that's just the same.

It's a physiological response.

Your body responds to a thought deeply within.

So let's acknowledge what you're feeling on a physiological level.

Let's say you feel sad and you feel that you're tearing up.

Then bring your attention to the feeling in your eyes,

The feeling in your nose that goes with that.

If you feel something like frustration,

Then where do you feel that?

Do you feel a knot in your stomach or in your belly?

Maybe you feel your skin tantalizing.

Maybe you feel joy because your heart is filled with joy.

Then where do you feel that feeling in your body?

Is that your skin cheering up as if it is in the sunlight?

Just bring your attention to the physiological response,

How it feels in your body to have this emotion of your heart.

And if you know the sentence or the words,

That goes with this feeling,

With this emotion,

Then it's okay to know what is going on.

But if you don't,

Then just focus on what your body is telling you and just let it be.

And if the feeling is unpleasant,

It might be that you feel that you need to move your body a little bit,

That it wants to shake a little bit,

Or it wants to move a little bit,

Or it wants to make some tension.

If you notice it's making tension,

Then help yourself to relax again.

Breathe in to your heart and breathe out from your belly.

It's okay.

All is well.

Just know that your body is responding to this physiological response.

This physiological feeling that goes with the emotion and it just wants to release it.

You know,

This is something that we so often don't acknowledge when we have an emotion,

That there is energy in emotion.

We need to move ourselves.

Just like when you're feeling a lot of joy,

You want to jump,

You want to kiss and hug,

You want to dance,

You want to run,

You want to scream.

And if we don't do it,

We keep all that energy inside.

And when the feeling,

The emotion is pleasant,

It feels like it's okay to do that because it's energizing.

But our body just wants to release all that energy.

And the same goes with the more unpleasant emotions.

It's okay that when you're afraid or angry that you shake a little bit.

It's your body's way of dealing with that feeling and letting it go.

All right.

Put your hands back on your heart.

One hand on your heart,

One hand on your belly.

And breathe in again.

And then breathe out with a long,

Long breath.

Breathe in.

And breathe out as long as you can.

You can make a sound if you like.

Ah.

Now,

Repeat this a few times.

Take a deep breath in and then extend your outward breath as long as you can,

Preferably with sound if you feel safe enough to do so.

And while you do that,

Feel the release of that breath.

Feel how this breathing helps you to relax into your own body and to be okay with whatever's going on.

Ah.

You're doing it so well.

Let me just tell you that you are such a star.

You are such a star in your own life.

You are taking such good care of you now.

You're so gentle with yourself.

And I know if you experience an emotion that doesn't feel so pleasant,

It might be hard for you to acknowledge that because it feels pretty shitty.

I understand.

But you are helping yourself.

And if you get overwhelmed,

If it's too much and you think,

No,

I cannot bear this,

Then just open your eyes.

Look around and see that you are in your own room.

You're safe.

You can look at me sitting here with my eyes closed,

Making all these funny gestures,

And you can laugh at me.

So feel a little bit better.

That's okay.

You're doing it so well.

But if you're not overwhelmed and you can just stick with this,

Then keep breathing in.

And out.

Well done.

All right.

Now,

Let's take a small trip.

Imagine that you see a staircase in front of you and it's leading down.

Let's together descend the stairs.

I will count the stairs.

And with every step we take down,

You sink deeper in yourself.

You feel more relaxed.

You feel more calm.

You feel more at ease.

One,

Two,

Three.

You're sinking within yourself.

Four,

Five,

Six.

You're doing it well.

You're getting more and more relaxed.

Seven,

Eight,

Nine,

And ten.

Wonderful.

When you look around,

You see that you're in a beautiful garden.

Take a moment to look around because this is your favorite garden.

There's so many beautiful flowers in the most beautiful colors of your liking.

And when you smell,

You smell the best aromas.

You feel the sun on your face.

Exactly right.

Not too hot,

Not too cold.

There's also a tiny breeze.

It whispers through your hair and it feels so good to be in this garden.

Maybe there are some animals.

Maybe those are your pets.

Maybe there are some wild animals that you see play ahead.

And when you walk deeper into your garden,

You feel how your feet are walking on the path.

You hear the sound of the stones or the shells under your feet.

While you enjoy the wind on your face,

The sun on your body,

The smells of the flowers in your nose.

And your eyes are feasting from the beautiful view that you have here.

Because this garden is on the top of a mountain.

And in the distance you see the ocean.

There's a valley in front of you and there are so beautiful,

Beautiful colors of all those trees,

That nature.

Again,

You feel the sun on you.

It's such a good place to be here.

The most beautiful part of this is that you're now having an overview of your life,

If you like.

If you want to learn something about how you would like things to be,

This is the place to be.

It gives you a sense of being elevated above the world,

Elevated above your own world.

Having some sane distance of the things that are happening in your life.

You can look at it with more gentleness,

More softness for yourself.

Now,

Can you bring to mind a moment recently or further back in your life,

When you were not gentle with yourself?

While you know you deserved to be gentle to yourself.

And let me get it straight,

You always deserve to be gentle to yourself.

But just pick a moment that you know in retrospect that you would have benefited from your own gentleness.

Now bring this moment to mind.

You can do so by picturing it on a picture in front of you.

Maybe you can imagine that you see like a clip on your phone,

Like a wheel,

Speaking in social media terms.

You can also just use your fantasy to bring back that memory.

Realize what happened and realize that you were unkind to yourself.

Now,

When you look at yourself,

Feeling hurt by your own un-gentleness back then.

What is it that you want to say to you right now?

Knowing that you are so lovable,

Knowing that you are so worthy,

Knowing that every fiber within you,

Every cell within you is just love.

And that you have this capacity of gentleness.

What is it that you want to tell yourself?

Let me give you some examples and then I will be silent for some time so you can do it for yourself.

The things that you might want to tell yourself are this.

It's okay.

It's okay.

You did well.

You did your best.

It's okay if it went wrong.

It's okay to do something wrong.

Nothing bad happened.

I know that you might think that something bad happened,

But actually it didn't.

You are here.

You are still here.

You've learned something from this.

And you didn't learn something because you had to learn this.

No,

It's just new information for a next time.

And even when you do it again next time,

Then again it will be information.

This is how we learn.

When you were a kid,

You also learned to walk by falling down a lot.

You learned to cycle your bike by falling down a lot.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I love you.

I love you.

You're so special.

You're so worthy.

You don't have to do anything to deserve my love because I am with you every split second of the day.

I know you are worthy.

I love you.

It's okay.

You're doing it well.

Even when you're messing up,

You did your best.

It's okay.

It is okay.

All right.

I will give you about 30 seconds to find your own soothing voice and tell yourself in the past that it is okay.

You can make it as specific as you like.

You can keep it as general as you like.

Just soothe yourself as you would soothe a child.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

Really,

Really great.

Can you feel if you could receive your own soothing,

Your own gentleness?

Was it good to feel this?

Or did you feel a sense of resistance?

It's okay.

Even if you feel resistance,

That's okay.

Just be aware of that now.

Ask yourself,

What is it that you need right now?

And let the answer come down to overthinking.

Whatever it is,

Imagine that you're doing this.

So,

If you just need to shout and scream,

See yourself shout and scream.

Or if you even can do it,

Then do it.

If you feel you need to hug yourself,

Then virtually give yourself a hug.

Or even better,

Put your arms around yourself and hold yourself,

Rock yourself.

If you want to caress your own face,

That is okay.

If you want to continue to tell yourself some loving things,

Then that is okay.

If you feel you just want to open your eyes and get up and go on with your day,

Then do that.

If you feel really sleepy,

Then turn off the app,

Lie down and try to take a nap if possible.

Whatever it is you need,

Give yourself that right now.

And if this need is something impossible in this moment,

Then now promise yourself,

When you will come back to this,

Honor your need.

It's not for nothing there.

It's telling you what you need to feel good,

To be here with yourself,

To be gentle with yourself,

To live your life with ease,

To live your life from love and gentleness.

I cannot stress this enough.

The gentleness you extend to yourself will radiate to others.

From you and through you to others.

You will become a lightning example for others.

How can it be that you feel so good,

That you are so kind to yourself?

Well,

I've helped myself by being gentle.

It took me some practice.

I really had to implement practices in my life,

But I did this.

I gave myself the gift of self-gentleness.

And I'm getting better at it.

And sometimes I trip and fall,

But then I remember to do it.

You can do this.

Every one of you can do this.

It's your birthright to be gentle with yourself.

Now,

Is there any promise that you would like to make to yourself?

And don't make it something that becomes a have-to item on your to-do list.

No.

Just set an intention that from now on you will tune in.

From now on you will honor,

Acknowledge what is going on within.

Trying to meet your needs on a more regular basis.

You will be open and honest to others about what it is that you need.

You don't have to bring that with force.

You don't have to bring that with aggression.

You can be kind to others,

Gentle to others,

While you tell them what it is that you need.

And if others cannot fulfill your needs,

That's also okay.

You are here to take care of you.

And you're pretty good in this,

Because you're learning this.

And you're doing it so well.

All right,

Now.

Let the promise that you made to yourself be the intention of this week.

Or at least today and tomorrow.

See,

Look for the moments where you can fulfill the promise to yourself.

And acknowledge when you do it.

Tell yourself,

Well done,

I've been gentle to myself.

I'm doing it pretty,

Pretty good now.

Acknowledge every moment that you are able to be gentle to yourself.

Acknowledge every moment that you've honored your needs.

Acknowledge every moment in which you notice that you can be gentle to others,

Because you know you've been gentle to yourself.

Acknowledge your emotions.

Acknowledge your sensitivity.

Acknowledge your human beingness.

We are all imperfect.

Lucky us.

Because because we are imperfect,

We are humans.

Because we have these feelings,

We can interact.

Because we have these feelings,

We can love.

Because we have these feelings,

We can create.

Because we have these feelings,

We can give each other so much.

Because we have these feelings,

We are alive.

And that's the beauty of life,

Right?

To be alive.

Now,

Let's get back to our bodies.

Bring your attention back to your buttocks on the seat,

Your feet on the ground.

You can feel your back against the back of the chair.

And acknowledge again how your body is feeling right now.

It's different,

Right,

From how you started.

It already helps it to become more relaxed.

Can you feel there is a deeper connection with you as your body?

What your body is telling you?

Maybe that's another promise to take with you.

To acknowledge what your body is telling you.

If you feel tired,

You will rest.

If your feet are hurting,

You will sit.

Your eyes are closing,

You will close them.

Our bodies are carrying us around with so much love for us.

They are so willing to help us with everything.

It would be lovely to extend the same gentleness towards them.

Alright.

Now,

When you feel your back in your body,

You can wiggle your fingers and toes.

Stretch your spine.

Make a funny face.

And then you can take your own time to open your eyes.

Really take your time.

You can take one minute,

Two minutes.

If you open your eyes too quickly,

The transition might be too harsh.

A sudden light into your eyes might create some headaches.

We don't want that.

Really,

Really take your time to slowly,

Slowly open your eyes.

And then I will be waiting here for you to see if there are more questions.

I see more.

Carol asks,

What do I do when I can't receive from myself the kind words?

My app glitched in the middle.

I felt resistant to the kind words I said.

Wow,

Carol,

That's a really great question.

I will answer that.

Sometimes when we want to use kind words to ourselves and we feel we cannot accept those,

We cannot let those in,

It might be easier to use easier words.

So that's why I use the word gentle instead of love.

Because gentle is easier to grasp,

Easier to extend to yourself than love.

So if you want to tell yourself,

I love you,

And you feel that you cannot really mean it,

Then tune it back a little bit.

Then tune it back a little bit.

And you could say,

I like it that I'm now just sitting here spending some time to be with myself.

And I know that it's sometimes hard to be with myself.

I find it really hard to send love to me.

But I think it's pretty good that I'm making an attempt to do it.

I think that realizing that I'm making an attempt to like myself a little bit more,

That's a pretty good sign.

That means that I'm on my way,

That maybe in some time I will be able to tell myself,

I like you.

Hey,

Maybe I can tell myself most of the time,

I like myself.

Like now when I'm relaxed,

I like myself.

Yeah,

I like myself.

Find words that give you a sense of relief.

And when you take those big words that are so hard to believe,

Then look for the smaller things.

And feel for the sense of relief within you.

I just gave you an example of words that you could use.

It takes some probing.

It takes some testing.

It takes some feeling it out.

And when you feel resistance,

Oh,

I cannot accept this,

Then you've gone too far.

Take a step back.

See how it feels to just give yourself some compliments about things that you actually like about yourself.

Even the fact that you're trying to do that,

That's worth something.

And then when you feel that relief,

You will find that better thoughts and better thoughts will come.

Try it.

Let me know in the group how it's working out for you.

And actually,

You gave me a great idea for a practice that I could create soon.

So I will think about it.

Thank you so much for the inspiration.

I hope that helped you,

Carol.

It takes some practice.

Remember,

It's a lifelong work in progress process.

That's okay.

Just practice it.

Give this to yourself.

You can do this.

You can really,

Really do this.