Setting Boundaries - Live Talk & Practice 07/15/22

This is a recording from Femke's weekly Friday LIVE (15 July '22). Femke explains why setting boundaries is important when we want to become more self-gentle. She busts the myth that saying 'no' must be selfish and answers some profound questions of participants about boundaries. Around 28:00 Femke guides you in a meditation in which you can experience for yourself how setting boundaries feels. There is also a track with only this meditation available, you can find it in Femke's track list.

Transcript

Hello everyone,

Welcome,

Good afternoon,

Good evening or maybe even good morning if you are in Australia and New Zealand.

My name is Femke Bucker and I'm teaching on Insight timer since 2019.

And I'm happy to be here for my weekly Friday life.

So since I think 2020 I'm holding lives,

Every Friday at this time.

And what do I do in those lives?

Well,

I tell you something about you.

I tell you something about you and you in your world and basically I always tell you the same even though the topics might differ because my core message to all of you,

Not just to you but to every being on this earth,

But especially you,

Because you are listening to me,

Is that you can be as gentle and kind to yourself and that is going to bring so much wellbeing to you and not just to you but also to your surroundings.

When you start to be gentle to yourself your whole perspective starts to shift and your interactions with others significantly change.

So who am I?

Well,

I'm a meditation teacher but I'm also a professor at the university where I teach and where I do research.

I study leadership but I also study meditation,

The impact of meditation on political behaviour because I'm working in the department of political science.

So I'm working as a political psychologist which means as much that I focus on individuals.

As a human being but also as a researcher I do believe in the uniqueness of individuals.

So what I highlight as well in my research,

As well in my meditation teachings and basically in everything that I do is that you,

Like every being,

You are unique.

On top of that and this is me as a meditation teacher speaking,

You are pure love,

You are loveable,

You are worthy and I do like to repeat those sentences again.

You are love,

You are loveable,

You are worthy because we so often forget this about ourselves.

Not just you,

Also I tend to forget that from time to time but over the last decades I've been working on myself,

I've been working on being gentle to myself,

Being kind to myself,

Putting myself first and sometimes saying no.

And that brings us to the topic of today.

The topic of today is setting boundaries.

So I would love to hear who you are,

Where you are from because I so love this international community.

But I especially want to know is why is it hard for you to set boundaries?

What are you tripping over?

What are your difficulties?

Or maybe you don't have difficulties and you're just here because it resonates with you and you just like to dive deeper into the knowledge of boundaries.

And for me boundaries of course self connect with that concept of self gentleness.

So the last few months I've been coining that concept self gentleness and I love it because it doesn't really exist out there.

It looks a lot like self love,

Self compassion,

Self kindness,

That those are concepts that are used already a lot.

But sometimes it's hard you know to love yourself,

To be compassionate to yourself.

Those are things that we sometimes struggle with.

And for me being gentle to yourself that's doable right?

It's easy to think of being gentle to yourself.

So that's why I define self gentleness as this.

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

And that radically and consistently there is where the power lies.

When you know how to be gentle to yourself,

Even when others ruffle your feathers,

Even when others are needing you,

Even when others are you know doing all kind of things that you don't like.

Still being gentle to yourself.

When you're making mistakes,

You know as a previous perfectionist I know a lot about making mistakes and really you know wanting to punish myself for it.

Not anymore,

I learned to deal with that.

But even previous perfectionists sometimes have perfectionist thoughts.

So being gentle to yourself is the key there.

So last Sunday I wrapped up a beautiful workshop of eight weeks about self gentleness and in the next year to come.

So I'm speaking basically about you know after the summer.

I tend to think in academic years.

So after the summer I will be returning with workshops on self gentleness.

Let's get to setting boundaries.

First I'm going to see if there are any questions or experiences why people are here to learn about the boundaries.

Just let me see.

So welcome everyone.

There are a lot of names that I know also some new names.

That's really really beautiful.

Let's see someone is saying that she had to say no to two people today and that you felt guilt after.

Yes,

So we're going to speak about that.

That's really really common.

You're not the only one that feels guilt after saying no.

But I will tell you more about it really soon.

All right.

And here someone else saying feeling of obligation and people pleasing.

So you can't say no because you feel that you have to.

You cannot differently then say yes and have to.

You have to help them.

You want to please them.

You don't want them to get angry with you.

You don't want them to be upset with you.

Very understandable.

Most people who have trouble setting boundaries and you know,

Let's be honest.

That's a big part of our world are like that.

So I so love this community.

Thank you all for all your lovely wishes and joining and saying hi to each other.

That's really really great.

So someone else saying I have I'm 42 with 13 year old sister and have trouble with boundaries.

I end up people pleasing her.

Yes.

Yeah.

So like I said,

That's a really common thing to set boundaries with your teenage kids parent guilt.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

And there comes an extra dimension,

Right?

Because you know teenage kids they are really discovering their own identity discovering their their freedom discovering their wishes and desires and you are just in the way.

So it's always finding a balance by you know,

Giving them that freedom trusting them to be responsible and at the same time wanting to protect them also.

So yeah,

That's that's that's a hard part.

It's a hard dimension getting with it.

So boundaries are hard because I'm afraid I will be rejected if I don't help.

Yes,

Really great one.

Yeah,

That's I think also very common common feeling among a lot of people someone else saying I get scared that the person would leave me if I set a boundary and someone is asking also can you speak about how interacting with some people can be draining and others can be inspiring.

I often need time alone.

Yes,

Sure for sure.

I will go about it.

So oh,

Yeah,

That's also a good one from Samantha.

Sometimes I come across as aggressive when I say no,

So that's also really common then,

You know,

You you feel that you want to say no,

But you're not doing it and then there is a build up of resistance basically for not wanting to do this and then at a certain point you cannot differently than say no because you're exhausted or you have so many other things to do or your patience is gone.

You're done with repressing that saying no and then it comes out really really fierce and the other party doesn't understand what is happening because I just asked something you could have said no normally.

So that's also really common and there it is important that you listen to yourself where you know where your boundaries are when you can say no earlier.

Oh some more others.

Let's see.

I don't know how to handle when I say no,

But that person makes on and on about it.

Yeah,

So you say no you set your boundaries and then they don't respect those boundaries.

Yeah,

It's also really common,

But you know,

It's you who can start respecting your boundaries,

But I will tell you more about that.

So someone else says sometimes I notice when I do set a boundary it's hard to not make not to take on the emotion of the other person who feels sad or angry after me when I say no.

One more question when you set boundaries and the fairness is violated how to navigate around this.

Yeah.

When when you set boundaries at work with a particular co-worker they stop communicating with you and that makes the environment strange.

Well,

Yes.

So and then I see a mother who starts yelling after you say no.

Well,

That's not helpful.

Okay.

Let me start speaking about boundaries first of all for everyone here the most important part that I want to convey to you and you really,

You know,

Write it up when you hear it write it down to remind yourself so you will not get lose this knowing anymore.

When someone is telling you that you are selfish or just thinking of yourself or you're not helpful because you don't want to be there for them.

You are not selfish but they are because they're basically telling you that you cannot do what is true for you.

What is important for you?

What is needed for you right now?

Because they tell you that you have to do that for them.

So who is selfish?

Not you.

They are selfish.

So and I understand that sometimes,

You know,

It doesn't feel like you're selfish because I know there are a lot of people depending on us for all kind of reasons and they are in need or they are ill etcetera,

Etcetera.

Yeah,

I know.

But it still means that if they are blaming you for not being there for them when you need to be there for yourself that they are the selfish ones.

And it might feel a little bit weird to think in that way.

But this is really really something that can help you to understand how this interaction is going and I don't say that you have to tell them or you have to start a fight about them,

With them about it.

What you can do is just knowing that.

That you are not selfish.

Because when you start to not just know but feel that it is okay to take care of yourself then that feeling of guilt can disappear or at least dissipate,

Be less present.

And when the other starts yelling or blaming you or trying to manipulate you,

It's way easier for you to just know,

Yeah,

But I now need to take care of myself.

So why aren't we doing that?

Well,

The reason is that most people who don't know how to set boundaries learned over the course of their lives to be there for others,

To find value in being there for others.

And that's because you're probably a kind person.

You are a gentle person.

You are someone with a big heart,

A caring heart,

Someone who wants to be there for others,

Who wants to be of value to others.

And the only person that you forget in this story is yourself.

So basically you put the well-being of others above your own.

And there is where the problem lies,

Where things start to become raw.

Because the more and more you are there for others and you forget to be there for yourself,

The more power you lose over your own well-being.

And it's not uncommon for people like that to lose energy,

To get burned out,

To be really,

Really tired because you continue to go and to be there even if you cannot.

Well,

I'm not telling you something new.

You probably know this already.

So to understand why you're doing this,

It's really important to ask yourself this question.

What is the value for me to say yes?

What does it bring me when I say yes?

Because I know that the story that you have in your head is probably,

Well,

They need me or otherwise they will get angry.

There are all kinds of stories that you put on the other,

Why you would do this for the other.

But basically,

Deep down,

There is also value to you.

You might not be so conscious of that value anymore because this probably started once when you were a kid or a young person,

Someone growing up,

Trying to find your identity,

Trying to find out who you are and finding that being there for others gave you something.

So like I started to say in the beginning that I want you to know that you are loved,

That you are loved,

Lovable,

Worthy.

That is something that we not always know.

Sometimes we don't know it at all.

And sometimes we go up and down in just knowing that.

And especially when we grow up,

There are so many people around us that want to teach us things.

And they do with the best intentions generally.

Our parents,

Our teachers,

Our friends,

Our society,

What we see on television,

What we read in books and newspapers,

In the courses we take in our work environments,

We learn what expectations of others are for us and we really quickly trained to behave in a way that others will approve of us.

So as an example,

As a small kid,

When you had a big fit because something went wrong and you couldn't control your emotions,

Like you shouldn't,

But I will tell you more in the workshop someday.

And you would cry and scream and then your parents not knowing what to do might say,

Hey,

Stop it.

Don't scream.

Stop crying now.

Go to your room.

And at that point somewhere not so conscious maybe you thought that now you were not so worthy because you misbehaved while actually what you were doing was having a genuine feeling about something.

And you hadn't learned yet how to deal with those emotions,

How to feel them,

Understand them what they were telling you and how to help yourself in that.

Because apparently your parents,

Like most parents,

They just also didn't know what to do with their emotions so they couldn't teach you that.

And those are very common things.

And,

You know,

I don't want to blame your parents or my parents or any parents because,

You know,

We do those things with the best intentions,

But they do give us a mark that we sometimes think that when we are not doing things in a certain way that we are doing it wrong.

And when we think that we don't allow ourselves to actually feel that we are love,

That we are loveable and unique with all our words and all our beautiful things.

And that is the connection that I would like you to make.

So getting back to setting boundaries,

It's so connected with that.

Because when you are afraid to say no to someone,

Because you're afraid that they start yelling at you or start calling you names or telling you that you're selfish or that you start to feel guilty because they don't say something,

But they let you feel that you should have done that,

Then basically you are exactly on that,

On that cusp of that problem,

On that cusp of all those experiences that you once had in your life where you did something,

Not according to the expectations of your surroundings and you felt really bad about it because you disappointed people or they gave you the feeling that you were not good enough,

They gave you the feeling that you were not worthy.

And again,

I'm not speaking,

Well,

It could be,

You know,

In more traumatic circumstances,

But also in the most normal circumstances these things happen.

So the key is that self gentleness.

So you see everything circles always back for me to that self gentleness.

Because when you start to be consistently,

Radically inconsistently allowing yourself to feel good,

No matter what,

Which means that when you're full trip over,

Make a mistake,

Do something wrong according to others,

That you find the soothing words,

The soothing thoughts that you understand what you need right now and that it is okay to need what you need right now and that you don't have to put your needs aside for the other.

So how do you do those things?

How can you set those boundaries?

Like someone just said,

Well,

But when I say no,

It comes out really aggressive.

So like I said,

It's very often because you're holding back,

Holding back,

Maybe not even with this person,

But with others.

And then,

You know,

It's just the last drop in the bucket that makes your aggression overflow.

So you should be there way,

Way earlier.

So how can you do that?

Well,

There are a few insights that I want to share.

And those insights were really,

For me,

Inspired by the work of Randy Buckley,

Who is for me the authority on setting healthy boundaries for kind people.

That's actually her program.

And for me,

This was such an eye opening insight when she told me,

Your boundaries are not about what you're keeping outside of you.

Your boundaries are about what you want to keep with you.

I will say it again because it's really profound.

Your boundaries are not about what you want to keep away from you,

What you don't want,

Not to do,

Not to feel,

Not to experience,

Not to engage with.

No,

Your boundaries are about what are my values?

What is truly important to me?

And how can I live up to those values consistently?

Which means for instance,

That when being kind to,

Being kind in general,

It doesn't mean just being kind to others.

It also means being kind to yourself.

If your value is being respectful,

It doesn't just mean paying respect to others.

It also means paying respect to yourself.

So in the meditation that we're going to do in a few minutes,

I will guide you in a visualization where we will work with this principle,

Where you will investigate what values are so important for you that you want to keep them close and that only people who can really truly honor those values can come really close.

And then other values that are a little bit more distant,

So more people can come in that area.

And this way,

You know,

Well,

In the meditation,

You will know,

You build an understanding of what values in your life are really,

Really important and which ones you want to honor,

Not just to others,

But also to yourself.

And then for me,

And this is where my part also comes in,

It's really important to embrace that self gentleness.

Because when you tell someone no,

And well,

You get some pushback,

Because that's normal.

People are used to you saying yes,

People are used to you being there for you,

For them.

People are used to you being a certain way.

And actually,

When they push back,

It means that you're doing something right,

You're setting boundaries,

And they just don't accept it.

But you are doing it right.

It's really normal to get that pushback.

And you can prepare for that by for instance,

Thinking of things that you could say,

Things that you could tell them when they give you some pushback to prepare for that.

But most importantly,

That is that work to allow yourself to take care of yourself,

To allow yourself to feel good.

So I want to give you another analogy that I like to use a lot in my life.

So and this is about taking care of others.

When you are in an airplane,

And just before taking off,

The cabin personnel tells you what to do in case of an emergency,

Right?

And they show you where the exits are.

But also tell you that when the oxygen masks drops,

You have to put it for yourself first.

First before you help anyone else,

Even your small children,

Even your own small children.

And why?

It makes a lot of sense.

If you don't have oxygen,

You cannot put on a mask on others.

You have to help yourself first before you can help others.

And I love this analogy because this is the same with life.

So that gentleness,

That kindness that you have,

Because that's why you want to help others,

That caring nature,

That loving big heart of yours that is so empathetic,

That so wants to help there and be there for others.

Send it to yourself first.

And I know what I'm telling you,

I know what you're thinking,

But then I'm selfish.

Others will have problems.

I have to rescue others.

I have to help others.

No,

You don't.

Because the most beautiful,

Powerful knowing is that when you start to extend that gentleness to yourself,

To your own heart,

Something happens.

You create a shift in you and you start to feel more and more what is good for you.

You start to feel more and more how to lead your life in a way that suits your values,

That is good for you.

And then the most beautiful thing happens because rather than getting depleted,

You will be energized.

Rather than losing your energy,

Being tired,

Being overwhelmed,

Not knowing what to do,

Only seeing problems,

Those of yourself and those of the others,

You will suddenly open up for seeing solutions.

And then you can reach out to others,

But from a whole different perspective,

From an energized perspective,

From an open mind,

Because you are now way more open to see the solutions rather than the problems.

So if you've been here more often,

You might have heard me speak about the difference between empathy and compassion.

Well,

That's the same principle here.

A lot of you guys are empaths,

I know.

You feel what others feel.

But I want to give you this thought.

So when you're feeling the pain with another,

You cannot really help them.

You can give them a sense of that they are being heard and seen because you are feeling the pain with them,

Whether it's emotional pain or physical pain.

But compassion is basically being with them,

Hearing them,

Seeing them,

But also holding a space for knowing that their lives can improve,

That they are capable of finding well-being.

And when you become self-gentle,

When you start to use that big beautiful heart of yours that is so full of love and compassion and gentleness towards yourself first,

You can hold that space because you have experienced by yourself how your well-being significantly improved when you started to shine the light upon yourself.

And by knowing that for you,

You will also know it for others.

And then you can stand next to someone,

Seeing their pain,

Hearing them,

Knowing that they're suffering,

But also holding that space for them where they can go to.

And you don't even have to tell them,

You're just radiating this.

And this is the uplifting part,

This is the strong part.

You can help people way better with holding that space for them than sitting in the middle of the problem with them and also just not knowing how they ever can get out of this.

So I know I told you a lot of things.

I'm recording this one with the intention that if the technology is well enough,

That I will publish it in my audio tracks.

So,

You know,

When it's published,

If you follow me here on Insight Timer,

You will get a notification when it will be published.

I don't know if I will have time to edit it before my summer break,

But otherwise I will do it right after,

We will just see.

But then you get a notification that it's there.

And I think this life is really packed with a lot of information,

So it might be worthwhile to come back and listen again to it.

And then to work on setting those boundaries.

So I would like to,

So I see here,

Could you repeat the author of that quote?

Yes,

That is Randy Buckley.

I'm going to guide you in meditation now.

And then afterwards I will come back to see if there are more questions or things that you would like to share or questions about my upcoming workshop,

Because you know,

You hear between the lines,

Setting boundaries has also a lot to do with emotions,

Emotions that are stirred up.

It's all connected.

It's all connected with itself,

Gentleness.

So yeah,

If you feel inspired,

I'd love for you to join me on Sunday.

But now we're going to meditate.

Okay.

So first of all,

Make sure that you are as comfortable as you can be.

So you can lie down.

It might be that you fall asleep when you're lying down and that's okay.

It just means that your body thinks,

Oh,

Relaxing time.

I'm going to sleep.

I'm tired.

I need some sleep.

Well,

Listen to your body and you know,

Let it sleep.

But if you don't want to fall asleep or you cannot afford to fall asleep because afterwards you still have things to do,

Then just sit up.

But you can lean against the back of your chair and if you keep your head free,

Then you will probably not fall asleep.

So take a moment to acknowledge how you are sitting,

How your feet are resting on the ground,

Your thighs and your buttocks on the seat.

Your back resting against the back of the chair.

Your hands relaxed in your lap.

Now gently close your eyes and just scan your body quickly to feel if there's any tension somewhere.

If there is any tension,

Then just settle a little bit,

Relax it,

Shift or just make more tension and then drop it.

Like I always have a lot of tension in my shoulders,

So I tend to pull my shoulders up and then just drop them when I sigh it out.

That feels good,

Right?

Is your forehead relaxed?

Are your jaws relaxed?

No clenching?

Yeah,

All right.

Now before I lead you in this visualization,

I want to tell you something about visualization.

So I'm going to speak to you in words that denote images.

But if you are not someone who fantasizes with images,

With pictures in your head,

Then just use the way that you normally fantasize.

So a lot of people don't have images,

But they use words,

Feelings,

Knowing,

Having a sense of.

So just follow my lead,

But make it your own.

Make it your unique own,

Right?

So there's no effort here.

I want this guided meditation to be as effortless as we can make it.

Okay,

Let's start.

Now,

I would like you to imagine that you're standing in front of a door,

Beautiful white door.

And we're going to open this door.

You can open this door in your way.

So maybe just,

You know,

Pull it or push it.

Maybe you clap in your hands.

Maybe you find someone to open it for you.

But it opens now.

And you step through the door.

And you see that you're standing in a park.

It's a beautiful park.

You walk into the park.

And when you look around,

You see your favorite trees.

And if you don't like trees,

Then you see just bushes.

And your favorite flowers,

Beautiful colors around you.

And when you smell,

Ooh,

These flowers smell so good.

There are butterflies flying around.

Maybe you see some animals,

Animals that you love.

And while you're walking into this garden,

You see there is a garden with a fence around it.

And you just know that this is your place.

So we're going to work with your place,

But it doesn't have to be your actual home.

It can be your fantasy home.

It can be the home of your childhood.

It can be your dream home,

The house and the garden that you once will want to have.

Just work with whatever your fantasy brings up.

But now we see a fence and a gate.

So when you look at the fence,

This is not a hard,

You know,

Barbed wired fence,

No.

This is a beautiful fence.

This is a kind fence,

But it is a fence.

It's a clear fence.

And when you look at the gates,

You see that your name is written on it.

And when you see that that same moment,

The gate opens.

So you walk through the gates.

And I just want you to notice that when you are in the gates,

Through the gate,

In your garden,

That it closes behind you.

And now you start walking on the path and this is your garden.

So really take the time to design your garden.

You know,

What kind of plants are there?

Maybe you have a vegetable garden.

Maybe there are animals there.

Maybe you have a nice corner where you can sit in the shadow and a nice corner where you can sit in the sun.

Whatever works for you.

Maybe there's grass.

Maybe you're walking now over a little path made of shells or rocks.

Whatever works for you.

Whatever is good to you.

And while you're walking now on this path from which you know it will lead up to the house,

You notice that you come to a place where the bushes are making like a circle around your house.

It's like another fence but not as high and steep as the one outside.

But it's so beautiful.

It's beautiful.

It's made of bushes and there are some flowers and maybe some fruits.

If there are fruits,

Just pick one and eat it.

So tasty.

And when there are flowers you can smell it and oh,

Such a delicious smell.

Really make it your own.

Can you feel that?

Now between the bushes there's also a small gate.

It's low,

You know,

And you can open it and go through it and close it again behind you.

And now you're walking up to the house.

Oh,

Wow,

What a beautiful house you have.

Can you see that?

Just take a look at the details,

At the colours,

The shape,

How it's standing there.

It's a single standing house.

There are no neighbours attached to your house.

This is a house that is completely yours.

If you want you can be here in solitude.

It's so beautiful.

And there's a beautiful door.

This is like the most beautiful door ever.

So your door,

Right?

If you like modern it's modern.

If you like antique it's antique.

So just walk up to the door and when you approach it already opens because it's your door and you step inside.

And when you walk through the hallway you then enter the kitchen.

Oh,

This is a lovely kitchen.

This kitchen is a kitchen where you can be creative.

Where you can create whatever you want to create.

And I'm not just speaking about food.

This is a place of feeling safe,

Nourishing,

Nourishing not just your stomach but also nourishing your body and soul.

Yeah.

When you walk through the kitchen you see there is a bigger room.

It looks like a guest room.

This is a place where you might entertain your guests.

It's nice and comfy chairs.

There's a cabinet where there might be some drinks or glasses.

I mean you look out of the wind and you look out of the beautiful garden.

Now you walk back through the kitchen into the hallway and you see there's stairs upstairs.

So let's take the stairs.

Can you hear your own feet on the stairs?

Take a look at the walls.

Maybe there are pictures from you hanging.

You,

Your family,

Your friends.

Or maybe there's some artwork.

And now you are on the first floor.

And there is this gorgeous door and it just opens again just for you.

And now you see that this is your room.

This is your room.

So we're going to start right here.

Walk into the room and close the door behind you in a way that you like to close it.

Maybe it closes from itself.

So let's shape your room.

Because what this room represents is your sanctuary.

The place where you can connect with who you are.

The place where you are gentle to yourself.

The place where you can withdraw to,

To take care of yourself.

Always.

Just like now.

You just go inside and you go here.

So let's put a really comfy chair here to sit in for a moment.

Yeah.

And sit.

That feels good.

And just allow yourself now to just be in this room for a moment.

And feel how safe it feels.

How pleasant it feels to be here.

This is a haven for you.

And you can decorate it as you wish.

Maybe there's a table with a laptop show you can write.

Maybe it's pen and paper that you like to write on.

There might be some flowers.

And the window.

Look out of the window.

Can you see your whole garden there?

And beyond the park.

You have a over,

Like a helicopter view over the whole premises,

Over the whole house.

So while you're sitting here I would like yourself to ask yourself this question.

When I am here and I want to invite someone in here,

What is the most important value that they have to honour?

What are the most important values that are here,

That are so important that when anyone wants to come so close to me they will have to honour this?

So we're speaking here about some pretty vulnerable stuff,

Right?

It might be being authentically me,

Which means accepting of myself.

Accepting of whatever happens so I can be gentle to myself.

So whoever comes in here will never ever make a joke about that.

Will never ever dishonour me,

Being authentic to myself.

Whoever comes here will simply not tell me what to do if it doesn't feel good to me.

This person will cheer me on.

This person will be there for me when I am here.

And you know what?

It might be that there isn't someone in your life right now who you want to let enter here.

And that's okay.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Because you are here.

You are honouring you.

You understand what value or what values you want to honour to be able to be here with yourself,

Honouring yourself,

Being authentically you.

Loving yourself.

Knowing that you are loveable.

Knowing that you are worthy.

Yeah.

Okay.

And if you now feel emotion,

Because you find it hard to realise that you've not been honouring these values for yourself,

That you have let people just barge into this room to just run over those values,

That's okay.

That's okay.

You are here and you know this now.

And it might be that sometimes,

You know,

Some people are just skilled to just open the door and barge in,

But you will get there.

You will work on this and you will start to feel more and more that you can honour these values.

For sure I know it that you can do this.

All right.

Now let's get up and let's get out of this room and just let's close it.

And now ask yourself who in your life might be able to come here till this door,

Not going inside,

But they can come very close to you.

What values do they have to honour then?

What values are so important to you that when people can come this close,

You know,

Not in your room,

But in your house,

Pretty close to your room,

What are then the values that are really important to you?

Is it honesty?

Is it humour?

Is it smelling good?

I don't know.

You know.

You are unique and everyone is different.

Just feel it out.

So this is about the people that can come close to you but not really intimately close.

So there are values for these people.

Values that are a little bit further from your core,

But still important for you to let those people in your house.

So what are those values?

And realise also now maybe there isn't someone that fits into this category.

That's also okay because you are living your life,

You are meeting new people every day and also when you are setting boundaries,

Other people change,

Their interactions with you change.

It might change suddenly.

You might notice that people start to respect these values when you have them clear for yourself.

Now let's descend the stairs and go to the guest room.

Remember the beautiful guest room?

So well this is a place where you invite people that are even a little bit more at a distance.

But before you invite them in the guest room,

What value or values do they have to live up to?

And again don't overthink this.

I know I am asking these questions and you might want to think it but I would prefer you to feel it.

That's why we are doing it in the meditation.

If you don't know exactly you can always come back to this practice and do it again and again.

So you know it's the first time you are doing it.

It's okay.

So what values do your guests need to honour to be able to come visit you?

To be welcomed in your guest room.

They will not be welcomed to go all the way up.

They will not be welcomed in your room.

But you are welcomed here in your guest room where you will entertain them and mingle and speak with them.

What are the values there?

Alright,

Now I would like you to go to the kitchen,

That creative room.

So when it comes to creation,

Whether it's food or something else,

There can be specific boundaries especially when you are an artist.

But also when you are not an artist you are also creative.

Every person is creative,

Whether it's a hobby or something that you live on,

It doesn't really matter.

But for creativity to blossom,

For creativity to be there,

It's really important that we know what we need for that.

And what we don't need are for instance people that are really critical of us immediately.

People that are saying yes but when we share our ideas with us.

So when you want to be in your creative space,

What are the boundaries for people,

For allowing people to be there with you?

And with this I mean for allowing people to share your ideas with them,

To trust them enough to tell them what you think,

What you are creating.

What boundaries,

What values are important for you to create this place of creativity,

To be open,

To be receiving,

To be creating.

To give birth to new ideas,

To give birth to new products,

To give birth to new services,

To give birth to new artwork,

To give birth to new words,

Whatever it is.

Right,

Right.

Can you feel that?

Can you feel how empowering it is to realise what you need and that you can actually know now when you will confide in others about your creative processes and when you will not?

It gives a sense of control,

Right?

So now someone might come up who is demanding to know what you are working on and you never found the guts to say no but you always felt bad after that because they were telling you that the idea wasn't good enough or it would never work or you could never earn some money with it.

You don't have to do that anymore because they don't live up to this value.

So you don't have to share it,

It's okay to just tell them,

Yeah I'm working on something but I will keep it to myself until it's ready to get out of my creativity room.

When I know what it is,

When I feel confident about it,

Then I will share it with you.

Alright let's step out of the house for a moment.

So now we are remembering the garden but this is the garden surrounding the house with the beautiful fence of the bushes.

So what values are those bushes representing?

So these are people that can come still in your garden,

Not in your house but they can come close.

This might be for instance colleagues at work.

What values are important for you,

For these kind of people?

People that are not coming that close to you but you do want to interact with them in a kind way.

What do they have to live up to for you to allow them in this garden?

What values are there?

Don't overthink it.

The first thing that bubble up,

That's it.

And you know what,

If you do it again and it's something else,

That's okay.

Our values are really extensive.

Our values are intermingling,

Intertwined.

So to really get a sense of what it is can take some time to work it out,

That's okay.

So now you know what people you can let go and let come into this garden.

Now let's step into the bigger garden.

Let's go through this fence.

And now we are in this best first part of your garden,

The entrance.

You have to go through the gate in the entrance.

So we're now speaking about the fence around your property.

So basically this means that anyone you interact with in a way that you like it,

In a way that they respect your boundaries,

What values do they have to uplift for them to be able to interact with you?

Because any interaction with you starts here.

So all those people that were let in in all these places are also allowed here,

Right?

This is like the first boundary.

This is like the first most important thing that any person that you meet will have to live up to.

So you will interact with them.

And if not,

Then you have the right to say no,

Then you have the right not to interact.

What value is that?

Yes.

So anyone that cannot live up to this value or any of the others will stay outside.

And that can mean that there are a lot of people that you know,

A lot of people that have not been honoring your boundaries might stay out.

And that might make you a little bit sad when you feel it.

But that's okay.

That's okay.

And I have a promise for you.

The promise is this.

When you start living these values and you start to respect these values,

To take them seriously for yourself,

For your own heart,

For your own wellbeing,

You shift,

Your behavior will differ.

Your behavior will adapt itself to your newfound respect for who you are,

Your newfound respect for being gentle to yourself and your newfound respect for your own values.

And with this,

You radiate something else.

And when you say no,

It becomes way more clear for people that your no is a no.

And when this happens,

A lot of people suddenly start to live up to your boundaries because there is a sense of clarity in feeling boundaries of another.

There is a sense of clarity in knowing exactly what is right and what is wrong.

So there will be a change in the behavior of others.

Not everyone,

But that's okay.

It is okay to say goodbye to some people.

It's okay to love people and not see them anymore.

It's okay to say goodbye to those that cannot honor what is important to you.

And I know that might sound harsh and maybe even impossible,

But you know,

You're not there yet.

You will get there.

It's okay.

Step by step.

So if you like,

You could also work from the outside towards the inside.

You could also start with the minimum requirement and then slowly build on that to go inside.

That would be a different way to go about it.

So if you find it hard to go from inside to the outside,

You could also think of this exercise to do it in reverse and then so come close to your own room,

Your own sanctuary within you.

Now,

Let's just sit for a moment.

You can let go of your attention on this beautiful house,

Beautiful garden.

And if you need it for yourself,

You can also walk back to the door,

Closing behind you and then sit down.

But I would like us to acknowledge for a moment the profound work that we just did.

You got a sense of clarity and a sense of knowing who you truly are.

A sense of understanding what your values are and where your boundaries lie.

Now,

It might be hard to immediately live up to this,

But knowing this format,

Knowing what your garden is,

Knowing what your house is,

Knowing what your private room is,

Will give you something to check with yourself.

When someone is unkind to you,

You can check.

So which part of my garden or house are they and should they be there or not?

It all goes hand in hand with listening to yourself,

What is important to you.

And when it's important to you to help others,

Then you have to.

You are obligated to yourself to want to help yourself first.

Now sit and feel what is going on.

Do you feel relief?

Society can sometimes bring relief.

That's good.

If you feel relief,

That's a really great way.

It means you shifted already in your perspective.

And if it feels a little bit more troublesome,

You feel a little bit sad or a little bit blues of those new insights,

Maybe just not knowing yet what to do with it,

That's okay.

You will.

We've planted the seeds,

We've planted the understanding.

And the moment this is planted,

It cannot go away from you anymore.

It cannot leave you anymore.

It's something that will resonate more and more.

And you will notice in your interactions with others when someone will try to make you feel guilty for you saying no,

You suddenly will realize that although you might feel guilty and you might still find it hard to say no,

That it's not exactly how it should be.

That's the seed that is planted.

And go from there and don't forget to be kind to yourself.

There might be still moments that you will not honor your boundaries because you find it hard.

Yeah,

You have people in your life that are so trained,

So skilled to get you where they want you to be.

But believe me,

It will change.

Just allow yourself to be kind to yourself.

And then the thoughts about everything and what everyone is asking from you will change.

Things will change for the better.

All right,

Now you can let go of your attention.

Just get back to your body,

To the here and now.

You can wiggle your fingers and toes.

Stretch your spine.

Move your body a little bit.

And then in your own time,

Whenever it suits you,

You can start to slowly open your eyes.

And if you're really sleepy and it's okay for you to go to sleep,

Then just turn around and go to sleep.

That's perfectly fine.

It's good to honor your body.

It's good to honor the needs of your body.

But if you're not sleepy or you do have to get up because there's still something waiting for you in this day,

Then you can slowly start to open your eyes.

So you're most welcome to,

I see here,

There are some thanks from people.

I'm happy that it resonated.

Plant the seeds.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And it's really important to know that this is profound work that needs time.

You know,

Like I always say,

Life,

Life and everything,

You know,

Becoming gentle with yourself,

Learning to set boundaries.

It's a lifelong process,

Work in progress.

And you get better at it and you get deeper and you start to peel the onion more and more and becomes easier.

But yeah,

We are also humans and we respond,

We interact.

So it's a lifelong process,

But there is joy in it because when you learn to find that joy and ease within that gentleness towards yourself,

That's so powerful.

That's so powerful.

Anastasia said that tears came up while this meditation was so powerful.

Yeah.

And know that when tears come up,

It's release,

The release of tension.

You know,

It's release of whatever's going on within you.

So it's good.

Let it flow better out than in.

It goes always for a lot of emotions.

So Arlene said was really emotional for me.

Yeah.

So,

You know,

Be kind to yourself,

But it was really emotional.

What your emotions are telling you right now is that you hit something important.

There is value there for you and be kind,

You know,

It's okay to be emotional.

Try if you have the opportunity to honor that,

To do something really gentle and soft.

And if you cannot right now,

Because I don't know,

You have to do something,

Then come back to that later and be kind,

You know,

Don't push yourself too much.

That's important,

But I'm happy that it was profound for you.

Rashika,

I love the idea of a garden with a few tears to get through,

A few shrubs they can't pass.

Absolutely.

And I do have to give credit for that to Randi.

So Randi is working in her programs with the idea of seeing that,

Seeing,

You know,

Your boundaries in the shape of a house and a garden and how you want to draw that.

So I do want to give her the credit.

Yeah,

I also love that idea.

It works really,

Really well.

Reviews

Wonderful insights, guidance, very helpful

I had missed this live and so im very happy for the chance to listen, and also to hear your voice whilst you are on summer break, its just like you are here 🥰. Boundaries are so important. This process was fascinating...I need to come back and do it again. Lots of love xx