Selfgentleness In Action (7/18/25) S7: Doubts & Regrets

Femke discusses in the seventh session of her Selfgentleness in Action Lives how you can use Selfgentleness to let go of doubts and regrets. She discusses how doubts and regrest are formed and how selfgentleness can support you to care of yourself when that happens. As always, Femke ends with a guided practice to let you explore for yourself how you can use her words and let go of your doubts and regrets.

Join Femke's Lives every second Friday of the Month in person, and ask your questions! Sign up for her Insight Timer Lives via Femke's profile. This time, the topic was a request of a regular participant. This is the recording took place on 18 July 2025.

Transcript

Hello everyone,

Welcome to my monthly life,

My monthly self-jhantanus life,

Normally on the second Friday of the month,

But today it is the third Friday of the month,

Today was an exception.

But next month,

In August,

I will be back on the second Friday,

Which is going to be on August 8th,

And the topic then will be coping with change.

The topic of today,

However,

Is how to let go of doubts and regrets.

How to let go of doubts and regrets.

But before we get there,

Let me just say,

Welcome to you everybody,

And I really would love to see who you are,

Where you are in the world,

And maybe you can share a little bit of what doubting or regretting is playing,

What kind of role it is playing in your life.

So I see Richard is here,

Hi Richard,

Welcome,

Lovely to see you,

Hi Petra Brook,

Good morning to you,

Hi Michel,

Great that you are also here,

And Luanne,

We saw each other already this week,

So lovely that you are here too.

Yes,

I see,

I'm happy Luanne,

You're also happy to see me again,

Alright.

So for everyone else who is here,

If you want to share who you are,

Where you are in the world,

And especially what doubts and regrets are to you,

Is it something that is easy for you to deal with,

Or is it sometimes hard to deal with those things?

So I'm here because I am teaching self-gentleness.

Self-gentleness is radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness,

And since I've been working a lot on developing different tools and practices and really thinking deeper about what it is,

Self-gentleness,

I also realized that,

Although I love my definition and I think it's really worth letting it sink in what it means to you,

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness,

Let that sink in,

What does that mean to you.

But I also realized that definition might feel abstract.

I can see you thinking,

Okay,

I get it,

I know that this could be good for me,

Becoming self-gentle,

But Femke,

How,

How am I going to do that?

And it is that why I started this year,

2025,

With this new series which I call Self-Gentleness in Action.

So today we have session seven,

It's already July,

There's once a month,

And in every topic on every month,

We dive into a topic where you could apply self-gentleness for yourself.

You could listen back to the old ones,

I recorded them,

They are on Insight Timer in my free tracks,

And we've dealt already with various,

Various topics,

Actually on Insight Timer I have a meditation group,

It's called Femke's Self-Gentleness Group,

What else?

And I've asked you there,

What are topics that you are struggling with?

Because I think we're all here because we're working on ourselves,

Right?

And you know what works and what doesn't work.

You have done a lot of meditation or yoga,

Tuning in with yourself,

Reading self-help books,

Applying courses,

Maybe even gone through therapy,

Or maybe you still are,

And it's all great because you're working on yourself.

But I know that self-gentleness can really help you when you know everything,

What to do to help yourself,

And most of the time you are doing that,

But then suddenly life happens.

I have that too,

Right?

Life happens,

That's life.

And we're human beings,

We respond to life and the things that happen.

So how can you stay self-gentle then,

When you suddenly see yourself repeating old conditions,

Old patterns,

When you notice that you're not feeling as good as you know that you can feel,

Because when you start applying self-gentleness,

You know how to feel good,

You have experienced that.

And then when you're not,

It feels off,

It feels like something is not good,

Not right.

So this is why Self-Gentleness in Action is here,

As a series where we dive in those topics and discuss how you can apply self-gentleness to that topic.

And then the topic of today is how to let go of doubts and regrets.

So I'll dive a little bit deeper in it in a minute.

I'm just going to take a look at all these comments here and see who is there,

Who is mentioning their names.

I see Lydia.

Hi,

Lydia.

Welcome.

Lisa from Reno in Nevada.

Nancy from Long Island,

New York.

Oh,

That is lovely.

Let's see.

Let's bring a little bit back.

The comments are popping up,

Going down.

I have to get them back.

Yes.

Flavia from Brazil.

Michelle Checkelford,

Who is in Texas,

I just saw.

And she says,

My doubts lately have been in terms of caring for my beloved dog,

Joy,

Who has been having some big health issues and having to get it back.

My commitment has been do what feels like peace.

And that has guided me every step of the way.

We finally got good news today of improvement.

Oh,

Michelle,

I'm so happy to hear that.

Yeah,

I read indeed on Facebook about your about your dog,

But I'm really happy that it's going better.

And I'm also happy that you are just leaning into what is in the moment and feel peace with that.

I'm so glad to read that.

Thank you for sharing that.

And let's see else.

Cara from Canada,

Letting go of pain and past hurts,

Mine and those closest to me.

Yeah,

We bring that with us,

Right?

The hurts of others,

Especially when you're empathic.

And I know you are.

I know I am.

I know almost everyone here is.

I think actually that every human being can be empathic.

It's just how open you can make yourself for it,

To feel it actually.

And sometimes you cannot just be,

You know,

I know when you're really highly empathic,

You cannot close it off.

I also know that that might be hard.

All right,

So let's see.

Ginger,

I'm a Limona.

Lovely to see you,

Mary.

Lovely.

Great.

Oh,

Kim is here for the very first time.

You're from the lands down under.

So good morning to you.

Mel from California.

Also great.

I love California.

I fell in love with the Pacific Ocean.

I cannot help myself.

I just I love the sea.

I love all oceans.

But the Pacific,

There is something special there.

I cannot help it.

I know I say it a lot when I see someone from California.

That's where my head immediately jumps through.

Nate from Texas.

Lovely that you're here.

Cheryl from Leicester in the UK.

Hi,

Rick,

From the Netherlands.

And let's see,

Betty from New Zealand.

Also,

Good morning to you.

Hi,

Hans,

My biggest fan.

I'm your biggest fan,

Hans.

And Angela,

Lovely to see you.

And Melina from Greece,

From Crete.

Oh,

Lovely.

Oh,

It's so,

So great to to read all your names and see who is here.

So,

OK.

We are here together.

Let's just start.

So self-dentist for everyone who may be bumped in a little bit later.

Let me just go back.

Self-dentist is the practice of radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

And this means consistently that,

You know,

It's easy to be gentle with yourself when you have a success,

When things are going well,

When someone gives you a compliment,

When life is shining at you.

It's easy to be gentle to yourself.

And that's good.

Why is that good?

Because you have a reference point.

It means that,

You know,

How it is to be gentle to yourself.

Now,

Consistently means that you will also be gentle with yourself when you make mistakes,

When someone is angry at you,

When you trip and fall,

When you feel guilty and maybe maybe because you did something that,

You know,

You you feel that you are right to feel guilty about.

And I've discussed this in a different life.

And my take on feeling guilty is that unless you do on purpose something really to hurt another person,

I think then,

You know,

Guilt is is is a good warning that you cross the line.

But besides that,

You have no reason to feel guilty.

Really,

Never.

And I know what I'm speaking about,

Because I'm a recovering perfectionist.

I'm a people recovering people pleaser.

And I could even feel guilty to not driving my car,

Feeling guilty for my car and not picking it up that day.

I think it's a stupid example.

But I just want to stress how very quickly I could feel guilty in the moment that I decided that I would stop feeling guilty.

It was hard.

I worked on it and I succeeded more and more not to feel guilty anymore.

And that goes hand in hand with the gentleness,

Because it means that when you do something that you think is wrong for whatever reason and you are gentle with yourself,

You can put everything in that perspective.

In the perspective of that,

We are all human beings who make mistakes,

Who who who are here to live our lives.

And sometimes that's bumpy.

And sometimes we rub ourselves towards others.

Sometimes there's friction.

Sometimes there's love.

Life is not always that easy,

But that's OK.

It's about you having your own back while you're in the middle of life and taking care of yourself also emotionally,

Even when you think that you don't deserve it.

You can be gentle to yourself.

That's this consistent part.

And I've been here on Insight Time already for a long time,

Doing my lives for almost five years now,

Speaking about self gentleness again and again.

And I and I know that that you get it.

I know that you know it,

But I also know that it's sometimes hard.

And I just want to tell you that is also OK.

So I'm a master of self gentleness and I'm proud to say that.

But it doesn't mean that I'm self gentle 24 seven.

Not all.

You can ask my husband.

He knows.

But I am self gentle because I recognize when I am not self gentle.

And then I know how to find my way back to allowing the gentleness in.

And sometimes that's really quick.

It's just a realization.

And sometimes it's harder.

And there are topics in my life that I really have to consciously decide to choose gentleness in my thoughts,

In my actions,

In the way I look at myself,

Because some topics,

They are just sometimes hard.

So it is completely normal if you're not self gentle all the time.

The art is recognizing when you're not.

And the more you practice it,

I promise you,

You recognize it immediately.

Why?

A pit in your stomach.

This unpleasant goose bumps,

Not feeling comfortable,

Tensing up somewhere on your face,

Your shoulders,

Your belly,

Whatever unpleasant feeling arrives in your body or maybe an unpleasant emotion.

It's basically telling you that you are not self gentle in that moment.

And that is OK.

So in the course I have here on Insight Timer,

I will share it with you.

I just shared my profile for in the case you're not following me yet.

You can do it by clicking on this card.

However,

I will put it back later.

I will now share this card for you so you can store it already for later on.

That's my self gentleness course here on Insight Timer.

Start being self gentle today.

And if you speak Dutch,

There's also a different course in Dutch,

Which is even a little bit longer.

I can see if I can share that later on.

But for now,

I'll keep the English one up.

I mean,

This course,

I take you in 10 days to to understand what self gentleness is and how you can apply it for yourself.

All right.

Now that is self gentleness.

I just wanted to because I saw a few people are new here.

I just wanted to lay out to you again what is basically my philosophy of living,

Because that is what I'm offering here.

A new perspective on yourself,

A new perspective on your life,

A new perspective of how you treat yourself with the gentleness.

Now,

You have heard me mention in my definition also the word radical,

Right?

So what do I mean with that?

Well,

With radical,

I mean that whenever you are vis a vis someone else who expects you to not be gentle to yourself because it will make them feel better,

That also then you will maintain that self gentleness.

So now what is a situation that could happen?

Someone is asking something from you that you cannot or you don't want to live up to in that moment.

And you will tell them a story.

No.

And some people have a hard time accepting that,

Especially if they know you as a person who is always there for them,

Who is always ready to to support,

To help,

Ready to jump over your own boundaries,

To jump over your own needs and be there.

And when you then start to put some boundaries,

When you start to kindly say no or maybe some fiercely say no,

You might get some resistance from that.

I'm sorry,

That was my alarm clock.

So in that moment,

It is something that you can learn to also then radically choose for yourself first.

Woohoo.

And I can hear already your alarm bells ringing.

If this is new to you,

That you might say,

But Femke,

It would mean that I'm selfish.

It would mean that I start to think of myself first.

And isn't that terrible?

Shouldn't I,

You know,

Be a service to other people?

And then my answer is,

It is so beautiful that you want to be there for other people.

It's so beautiful that you can feel their need,

That you can feel that you want to support them,

But never at your own expense.

Because when you deplete yourself for being there for other people,

Then you at a certain point,

You cannot anymore.

The self gentleness makes sure that you can fill your own cup to use that very cliche sentence and take care of you so that you will have the energy,

That you will have the love,

That you will have the power to be there for other people when they truly need it.

And I can tell you also from my own experience,

Because I have been such a person who was always ready for anyone asking me for help or support,

Whether it be small or big.

And when I started to say no,

At first it was really hard for me.

I felt guilty.

There was some resistance sometimes from those people,

Which I also found really hard.

And in the beginning,

That would make me not be gentle and still then ignore my own no and make it a yes.

But slowly,

Slowly,

I started to find power in saying no,

Because I really,

Really felt that I was helping myself and that when I would be ready,

When I would be energized,

I would be way better in helping other people.

And something else happened.

I saw that by me saying no,

People who were normally relying on me to save the day suddenly realized that they had to save their own day.

And I know,

You know,

We have to see the context,

Because I know that not all circumstances are the same.

But many people,

Even when they are in need,

Can sometimes be very resourceful if they have to.

And sometimes it's just easy to rely on someone else if it is you.

But when someone then says no,

It can be a gift to suddenly see when people are getting on their own feet and also supporting themselves.

And this is especially the case when it's your kids.

For instance,

Or,

You know,

Friends that might be really leaning on you but might have the power in themselves to take care of them.

So that's the radical part.

Now,

I've introduced self gentleness to you.

Let's now get to the topic of how to apply this when it comes to doubting and regretting.

So doubting is,

Of course,

Worrying about the future in the now.

It is generally that you have to make a decision and it can be big or small.

And you are doubting of the options,

Which one would be the right decision.

That is a doubt.

A regret is actually worrying about the past in the now.

And it is interconnected because regretting is looking back at decisions that you made and thinking,

Oof,

I should have done that differently.

I wish I didn't do that.

And really fretting about that.

And and there comes the connection.

It might hamper your ability to make an actual decision when you're doubting again,

Because of regrets of the past will be here in the now and make you doubt even more,

You see.

So that is the connection between doubts and regrets.

So how do we deal with that in a self-gentle way?

Of course,

When you you know,

You might Google,

How do I make a decision?

And then there are a lot of rational solutions like making a pro and con list and assessing or really researching the options that you have.

And that might all in all be really good advice.

But for many of us,

That doesn't work,

Especially when it comes to decisions that are not so easy to divide in pros and cons,

Not so easy to to research or to map out.

And I know that there are also people who are doubting every day what dress to put or what food to cook or which vehicle to take to work,

You know.

And and and it might sound like those are not big problems,

But for the people that are doubting,

Those are problems.

So what would be a self-gentle take on doubting?

Well,

First of all,

There is not one recipe for everyone.

I know I'm disappointing you.

I can understand that you would like me to just say,

Bum,

Bum,

Bum,

Do this,

That and that you solve your problem.

But I think living self-gentle life is about finding your way.

So that's why I always say I'm I'm not your guru.

I'm just a pointer and pointing you in a direction.

I'm actually trying to remind you that you have the ability,

The innate ability to be gentle with yourself and to make also in this case decisions yourself.

So.

When there is something that you're doubting about,

The best way would be to apply some of the self-gentleness foundational technique,

And that is to tune in with yourself and to feel what is really going on,

To feel what it is that you don't want,

To feel what it is that you do want and to feel what it is that you might be desiring.

So if there is a decision to make,

For instance,

The decision to go with your friends to dinner or stay at home and go to bed early.

Right.

So that might give friction because you love to be with your friends.

You really would love to have a relaxed evening and laugh a little bit,

Have a good dinner,

Have a nice time.

But you also notice that you are really,

Really tired.

So this is a moment where there is that friction,

Because.

In both,

There is a rest on one part that you really would love and know that you would need.

And there is on the other hand,

There is this part where you you want to be with your friends and you want to go there.

So the answer in that case is to.

Really take a moment to relax,

And this is what we're going to do in a minute when we're going to the meditation.

And that to feel what it is that you need right now.

Right.

And I can it would be rational to say if you feel that you're tired,

Just cancel it and stay at home and be with yourself.

But it doesn't go for everyone.

It can be that you notice that you are feeling tired.

But at the same time,

You also are longing to be with other people.

You also longing to connect,

You're longing to to have a good time.

And that might even cost you a little bit of your rest.

But it might also energize you because that is what you're feeling that is right.

But it also might just your answer to say,

Well,

I'm going to cancel it and I really need my rest now.

And I'm going to bed early and I'm going to take a quiet night and I will catch up with them another time.

Or there might even be a different solution where you just go for a drink and then go to go home or whatever the solution will be.

The essence of what I'm telling you is that.

It is all about trying to feel what it is that your body needs right now,

What your mind needs now,

What your heart,

Your emotions want now and what you as a person want.

And when we are living life,

We so quickly get out of tune with what it is that we want because we have a lot of obligations and responsibilities and jobs and families and wishes and expectations.

And sometimes we pilot,

You know,

All on each other.

And,

You know,

You're not the only one.

Almost everyone is doing it.

And it's sometimes really hard to distinguish between that,

What it is that you truly need in the moment.

So there comes self-gentleness in.

And I will in a minute,

I will come to what is that core practice and we will practice it also.

But I want to take the doubts even a step further.

When you do not know what to decide and you notice that you are doubting all the time,

There's also a different way to go and to make it.

Because I can understand that sometimes it's really hard to to feel what what you need,

Especially if you haven't practiced that for a long time.

So there's another feeling opportunity,

And that is that you also sit and you feel.

And you have the options in front of you or mentally in front of you and you're thinking about them.

And then you just bring your attention to one of those options first and really feel how it feels emotionally for you.

So if you feel a lot of resistance or a lot of unpleasant emotions,

The message is really clear.

Your emotional system is working like a compass and it's telling you,

Not today.

If you're feeling kind of neutral,

Then there are options to either do it or not do it.

And if you feel that.

Hey,

This feels really good.

I would love to do this,

But my head is in the way.

My head is telling me,

Yeah,

But you cannot go out now because tomorrow you have an early day and you have so many chores and there's still a deadline that you didn't make.

You cannot afford it to go out now.

But then,

You know,

Your head is there and actually you would love there because it feels good when you think of that option.

Our our feelings and emotions are a really perfect compass.

When they feel unpleasant,

Something is off,

Something is going against you.

There is some resistance.

If it feel neutral,

It really is,

You know,

OK to do with it,

Whatever you want.

And it feels when it feels good,

Then go for it.

Because when it feels good,

It is also meaning something.

Lastly.

When you make a decision,

Even when you're still doubting,

But then you decide because you just want to decide or because it's time to decide or you decided because people are waiting for you.

When you decide,

Then decide for yourself that this is what you're going to do.

So when you decide and you you take that option,

But you keep actually doubting like I decided this,

But I don't know for sure,

Then you will never experience if you made the right decision.

The doubting has to do with those regrets.

The doubting is like a warning in you.

Well,

Make sure you will not regret later.

Make sure you will not regret later.

And that is hampering you also to take a decision.

And only there's only one way to deal with that.

And that is to say,

OK,

Now I decided this and this is what I'm going to do.

And I'm letting the doubts behind me.

And it might be that when I look back later,

I will regret it.

But that is also fine.

And I will tell you in a bit about how to deal with regrets because it's combined.

It has to do with allowing yourself to make mistakes.

It is OK if you make a wrong decision,

So you will find out it was a wrong decision.

So what you learn from it and then not to fret about next doubts and decisions.

It's just a reflection on,

OK,

At that point in time,

I made a decision and ah,

Maybe I could have made a different decision.

But that was what it was.

And,

You know,

I was really proud of myself.

I just went for it.

And then later I decided maybe it might have not been the best way.

But I'm not the same person as I was one minute ago.

So you're certainly not the same person you was a week ago,

A month ago,

A year ago,

10 years ago or even longer.

We evolve with every decision we make.

We evolve.

We learn.

We get to new insights.

The insights that you have now about the past could not have prevented you than making a different decision.

It will teach you something for the here and now and not so much for what kind of mistakes you might do later on.

So this is self-gentleness.

Basically,

It's allowing yourself to make mistakes.

It's allowing yourself to not be good.

It's allowing yourself to be ugly to which you never are.

Everyone is so beautiful.

It's allowing yourself to be to be wrong and to trip and fall,

To just not know things.

And that's all fine.

It's all fine.

You are so fine.

You are OK,

Really.

If I if I could just,

You know,

Wave a magic wand so I take my pen just to let you know one thing,

It is that you are OK.

Really,

You are OK.

You are exactly right as you are always,

No matter what.

No matter what you do,

Really,

You are exactly right.

And you are at exactly the right place.

And you're making exactly the right decision.

Even if it's a bad decision,

It is the right decision because it will bring you insights.

It will bring you insights and it will bring you the opportunity to be gentle with yourself when you're facing the fact that you made a decision that in hindsight,

You would have liked to make it differently.

So we already slowly segwayed into regrets.

Regrets is nothing more.

I just said it before,

Looking back at decisions you made and thinking that you made a really bad mistake.

So here also self-gentleness comes in that when you when you realize that you wished things would have been different,

That it will not help you to beat yourself up over it,

Because you cannot change the past.

You cannot change the decision.

You can only affect yourself now.

And I can tell you when you are beating yourself up,

You can never make a right decision next time because when you beat yourself up,

You are ungentle with yourself.

You're unkind with yourself.

You are not allowing yourself to be who you are.

And that will not help you to make the right decisions.

The decisions will be driven from the fear to make a mistake or the pushing through to achieve something.

And that's just a pity.

And I know I'm speaking a lot and I'm saying all kind of things that might resonate with you,

You might understand them.

But then there remains the question,

But how can I do that?

So that's why I want to guide you in a meditation and a visualization where I will guide you.

And we will first tune in the core of self-gentleness and then we will work through letting go of doubts and letting go of regrets before we return here again.

So before we start,

I would like you to think of something that you're doubting about at the moment.

Don't overthink it.

The thing that now pops up,

That's the thing to work with because your subconscious has that already ready.

So that's the thing.

And the same goes for a regret,

Something that you regret and you would like to let go of.

We will work on that.

Yes,

That one.

Also,

You might have many regrets,

You might just have one.

If it's one,

It's there.

If you have many,

Then the one that pops up,

That's the one to work with.

And this is recorded right now.

Later on,

It will be on Insight Timer in my free track so you can listen back and work through it again and again as many times as you like.

All right.

Last thing I want you to think of and that is to think of something that you're really proud of.

Also here,

There might be many things that you're proud of.

I hope you have.

But just the one thing that pops up right now.

So and I'm asking you now so that in the meditation,

You just have those things ready,

Something you doubt,

Something you regret and something you're proud of.

You have those ready to work with.

Yeah.

All right.

OK,

Let me just take a quick look at the comments.

Other man,

Many comments.

From Austria,

Mary-Therese.

Kara says,

Self-Justice has been really helpful in these past few months.

Thank you,

Femke,

Your voice and words are transformative.

Oh,

Thank you so much,

Kara.

That means a lot.

Thank you so much for hearing that.

April says,

Implementing the power of no really shows one how selfish others are.

Oh,

I agree with that.

Absolutely.

And I'm happy that you are seeing that,

That you're feeling that because,

Yeah,

You're not selfish when you say no.

Someone who is not accepting,

You know,

Is kind of more selfish.

Yes.

Kara says,

Requesting boundaries with someone close to me is what I've had to learn to do for precisely the reasons you're discussing.

My son is having to learn how to resolve his domestic life.

Yes.

And that's that's lesson that that as a parent and a kid,

You're learning together,

Right,

Is to the detachment of that parent that's always there to help and then getting kids,

You know,

Standing more and more on their own feet.

It's it's not an easy process.

I can relate to that.

So.

All right.

Kristen asked,

What about being the sole caregiver for your mom who has caused so much pain growing up,

Trying to form boundaries?

Yet I tend to give in because I'm exhausted.

Yeah,

Kristen,

That that's a bigger question that is.

That is not so easy to answer,

But.

Because it's a process,

It's not something that you can.

It's not like I give you one tip and that will work out.

But the one tip that I have is start process,

Start the process of self gentleness for yourself.

And it starts with doing everything like you're doing right now.

But you start to tune in and to recognize what it is that you want to recognize what it is that you need.

So the course here,

I really would recommend you to do that because I take you through those steps.

And when you start applying the tuning in,

Acknowledging what it is that you need and honoring that need as a second step.

And it will make you sensitive to know when you will have to put those boundaries,

Even when someone is your caregiver.

And I can tell you that on the 12th of September.

OK,

I know it's still more two months,

But still the 12th of September.

My life is about caregiving responsibilities,

So I will really dive deep into this.

I have a lot of experience about this myself,

Not just with my kids,

But also with my mother and other relatives.

So we will speak about that.

For starters,

Try the course.

And there's a classroom where you can ask questions.

And if you look at the questions,

You see that I really go into addressing them and go deep and really trying to help people with their particular questions.

So I invite you to to join me there.

All right.

So I will come back later on here.

Let's now meditate.

I always take off my glasses.

So let's first make sure that you are comfortable.

You can lie down if you like.

You can sit up.

And if you sit up and if you really love to sit up straight and not be supported because that feels good to you,

Then do that.

But it's not an obligation.

You can also just lean against the back of your chair or your sofa or the wall.

Make yourself comfortable.

That's the most important thing for me.

Let it be easy.

Let it be nice.

So let's just bring our attention to our buttocks on the seat,

The back of your thighs.

And just bring all your attention there for a moment.

And it's not just your buttocks and your thighs on the seat.

If you bring your attention there,

You feel different pressure points,

Different touch points,

There are parts of your legs and buttocks that are leaning stronger into the seat and some a little bit less strong.

And what I really,

Really like when I bring my attention to my buttocks on the seat is that I feel supported.

You suddenly become aware that you're carried,

You're lifted,

You're held.

The same goes for your feet,

So bring your attention to your feet.

And if you like,

You can close already your eyes.

You can keep them open for a bit,

But you can close them.

I will close them now.

And when you bring your attention to your feet on the ground,

It's the same.

It's not just your whole foot on the ground.

There are different touch points,

Different pressure points.

Making the connection with the floor.

And what I so love then is to realize that when my feet are on the ground,

I'm connecting to Mother Earth,

Her beautiful planet.

And then I think of how we are all on this beautiful blue planet which is carrying us all.

With enormous speed through the universe.

Which is supporting us,

Lifting us,

Spinning rightfully in its orbit so that we will not float into space,

But just be stuck on Earth.

I love that.

I love how Mother Earth is feeding us,

Nurturing us.

How we have a sun that is shining on us.

And I can all feel that gratefulness just by having my feet on the ground and realizing that I'm supported,

I'm carried.

All right,

Now you can have your hands in your lap,

Relaxed.

It might feel nice to have your palms up to the sky.

It feels more open.

But if it doesn't feel that way,

If it doesn't feel good,

Then just put your hands like you want to put them.

Everything is okay,

As long as you feel ease.

All right,

Now let's just bring our attention for a moment to our heart space.

And if you find it hard to find it,

Then just bring your attention to the middle of your chest.

And imagine there is a little light there.

Beautiful light.

It has a nice color,

A color that you like.

And just let your attention sink.

You can even,

If you're still in your head,

You can slowly,

Slowly let your attention sink down into your neck,

To your chest,

Slowly going to this place in your chest,

Your heart space.

And if it helps,

You can put your hands on your chest.

And if you notice that your mind is wandering or you're thinking things,

That's okay.

Your head is made to think.

Just when you notice it,

You bring your attention back to that little light in your chest.

It's burning there,

Especially for you.

Now,

Let's start with greeting yourself.

Because here,

This light is now a representative of your inner self,

Your inner core,

Your inner being,

Your soul,

Your authentic self,

Your guts,

Your intuition,

You,

Whatever word you would like to use.

It's okay.

I always use my inner self.

I'm just going to greet myself.

So,

I'm going to say the words and you can repeat them for yourself out loud or in your head.

Or you can even find different words if those suit you better.

Hello,

Darling.

How are you?

And with that question comes an answer.

Your inner self is letting you know how it is.

How are you?

And don't expect an answer in words or a sentence,

Although that might be possible,

But it might just be a feeling.

It might be a song that pops up in your head.

It might be an emotion.

It might be that you're suddenly moved to tears just because you asked yourself,

Hi,

Darling.

How are you today?

It's such a powerful moment to bring your attention to your own heart and to just ask,

Darling,

How are you today?

It's such a powerful moment to make that connection.

All right.

Now,

I'm going to ask the question and you will ask it with me to yourself.

This is what you need right now.

And then again,

Let the answer just bubble up.

Don't expect something big.

Don't expect a full explanation of what is going on.

Let it be light.

Let it be gentle.

Let it be easy.

It might be just a feeling.

It might be an image.

It might be a hunch.

It might be an itch that you need to scratch.

It doesn't matter what it is.

We don't expect big things.

We expect just something that is right now happening within you and everything is okay.

All right.

Here we go.

Darling,

What is it that I need right now?

That I need right now?

And whatever your answer is,

Just know that it is okay.

If the answer is,

I feel like crying,

Then allow yourself to cry if you feel safe enough.

If the answer is that you just get this big,

Big belly laugh,

Then just laugh it out loud.

If the answer is,

I am so exhausted and I just wish I had some rest,

Then promise yourself that you are going to rest or maybe better,

Lie down right now and take a nap.

You can catch the recording later.

This is what you need right now.

This is what you are going to do.

But if you cannot do it right now because maybe you have things to do later on,

Then promise yourself you will come back to this later on.

Whatever it is.

Maybe it is calling your best friends.

Maybe it is preparing a lovely cup of coffee or tea for yourself.

Maybe it is just lying down and doing really,

Really nothing.

Maybe it is binge watching your favorite TV series.

Whatever it is,

It is okay.

Alright,

So this is the practice of tuning in that you can do every moment in time.

And if you start to do this just once a day for let's say a minute or two,

You really start connecting to what lives in you,

What it is that you need,

What it is that you don't want,

What it is that you do want.

And even though those wants and not wants and desires might feel too big to reach,

Trust that by becoming aware you will find step by step over time the way to honor that.

That is the process and you can trust that.

Alright,

Now let's get a little bit to working with those doubts and regrets.

But for that I would like to take you on a little,

Little journey.

So just imagine that in front of you there is an elevator.

It is kind of a cool elevator.

It is with a lot of glass.

It is shiny in a really nice way.

It is not tacky,

But pretty.

And there is a button and you push the button.

And while you push the button just know that I speak the language of images,

But you will use your fantasy.

If your fantasy comes in images,

You just follow those images.

But if you know from yourself that you don't really see images,

But that you fantasize in a different way by just knowing something or feeling something or seeing the words,

Just then do that,

Right?

You know how you fantasize.

Just use it in your own way.

Again,

Let's make it as easy as possible.

Alright,

So you press the button,

The doors open and we get in.

And there is this heart-shaped button.

And you press it and you feel that the elevator is going down really nicely,

Gently.

And then there is this beautiful pling,

The doors open.

And you step into a big,

Beautiful,

White room.

And in this room there are a lot of windows.

And when you look out of the windows you see your favorite landscape.

So whatever that is,

Maybe you see the ocean,

The woods,

The big city,

Your own backyard.

Whatever it is,

It's fine.

You see that this room is standing in a place where you just love to look out of the window.

And even though the room is white,

I would invite you to take a look around and just use your fantasy to create the colors that you like.

You know,

You can keep it white,

You can make it black or red or blue or green or yellow or whatever color,

A whole rainbow.

Whatever it is,

Just color it your ways.

Color the walls,

Color the floor,

Make the floor of your liking.

Really shape this room into a room that feels good to you.

You can place some furniture and especially place a really comfortable seat for you that you can sit on or lie on.

Maybe there are some pets running around.

Maybe you put some beautiful plants,

Hang some art.

Make sure there are some good scents.

The temperature is just right.

Not too hot,

Not too cool.

Actually perfect.

And when you look through the windows,

Maybe you have these opening doors to the garden.

You can open them if you like.

Just make it your own place.

And I will tell you,

This is your heart place.

This is a place where you can come always by visualizing that you travel inside to the place of your heart where you have this room.

Now you've created this really comfy seat for yourself.

Just take a look of how good it looks.

You know you cannot wait to just sit on it.

So let's do that.

You just sit on it.

You feel how the cushions are just exactly right.

Not too hard,

Not too soft.

You can lean in it.

Just feel so safe to be here.

So good to be here.

All right,

Now.

Let's first think of the thing that you are proud of.

And let's do that by imagining that you have a button on your chair.

You press it.

And then there's this beautiful big screen that is falling out in your room.

And it's like you're sitting in your own home cinema.

It's a beautiful big screen.

And you see your own name appearing on the screen.

It feels kind of cool,

Right,

To see your own name on the movie screen.

And then you realize that the movie that you're seeing right now is a movie about you being proud of something.

So it gets shaped by your fantasy.

It gets shaped by how you feel about whatever it is that you're proud of.

If you're really proud that you're a really kind person,

Then you see yourself amidst other people being kind.

If you're proud of something that you have achieved,

Then you again see yourself doing that,

Whatever it is.

Just take a moment to think of this thing or situation that you are proud of for yourself.

And just be with this for a moment.

And notice where that feeling in yourself resides.

Is it your whole body?

Is it your skin?

Is it your belly?

Is it your heart?

Is it your head?

Where does it feel good in your body when you are aware of something that you are proud of,

When you are envisioning this,

When you are fantasizing about this,

When you are embedding yourself in that moment that you are proud of?

And if you feel it in your body,

Then just maybe put your hands there where you feel it.

Bring your attention there and really enjoy how good that feels.

And we're doing that,

I will tell you,

Because you make your body remember how it feels to be feeling good about yourself.

Self-gentleness is really,

Really close right now when you are bringing these kind of thoughts to mind.

All right,

Now,

With this feeling,

I'm sure that we can dive a little bit into the thing that you are doubting about.

So bring to mind the thing,

The situation,

The decision that you are doubting about.

And you might have two options,

You might have a few more options,

But just think of the two most likely options that you might have to choose between and that you feel doubt.

And use the screen again,

You can picture it,

Maybe,

On it.

If you like,

Use your fantasy to be aware of those two.

You can almost see it like a T-road,

Where on the one side you have the option one and on the other side you have option two.

Now,

I know that at this point you probably feel the doubt returning.

The doubt might be overflowing the feeling that you just had.

So also now,

Be aware,

Where do you feel this in your body?

When I feel doubt,

I feel a pit in my stomach and I feel that my breath is going up.

That's just with me.

How it is with you?

Because it's important to recognize this,

That this is an indication of your body that something is off,

That you're being too hard on yourself,

Because that is what's happening right now.

You think that this decision will determine your life course,

Will determine things in such a way that you would regret it if you made the wrong mistake.

But you couldn't be farther from the truth.

Truth is,

Both options are fine.

You just go with one,

Line up with it,

And then later assess if maybe you want to do the other option after that.

All is well,

Really.

Okay,

So you notice where the doubt resides in your body.

This is important information,

Because you bring your attention there now,

Wherever you feel it,

And now try to soothe yourself first.

So soothing yourself,

There are many different ways.

It always starts with recognizing the thoughts that you have.

The thoughts that are in your head around doubt are thoughts about being afraid of making the wrong decision,

Being aware that things could go wrong,

Being maybe afraid that you cannot make this decision in the right way,

All kinds of thoughts.

So the moment you become aware of that,

Try to allow yourself to just say,

Well,

I just don't know what will be right.

I just don't know what will be right,

And that is okay,

Because I'm not a psychic.

I cannot look into the future.

All my power is here and now.

Oh,

So I'm standing in your shoes right now,

And I might speak things that you might think now to soothe yourself.

All right,

So follow my thoughts together with you.

It is okay.

I know the decision is hard,

But it is okay.

I know that whatever I decide to do,

I will just go for it and see what happens.

And if I then find out that it was the wrong decision,

Or the outcome is not like I want it to be,

I will then,

Exactly then,

Feel again what it is I need in that moment.

Oh,

That's a nice thing to know.

When I can connect with myself and to know what I need in each moment,

Then I can also trust myself that if I make a decision that turns out not like I want it,

That at that point I can just ask myself,

What is this?

What I need right now?

Oh,

That's kind of a relief.

So,

I'm going to take a look again at the options that I have,

And I'm just going to pick the one that feels best to me.

So,

Bring to mind the first option.

Notice again what it does with your body when you imagine that you would decide to go for this.

How does it feel?

Do you feel a lot of resistance or are you neutral?

Are you feeling fear or a pit in your stomach?

Or maybe it excites you.

Whatever you feel,

Note it down for yourself.

Notice what it is.

Alright,

Now bring your attention to the second option.

Also here,

How would it feel if you would opted for this one?

Where do you feel it in your body?

How does it feel?

Does it feel unpleasant?

Does it feel like resistance?

Does it feel neutral?

Does it feel good?

Based on the feelings that you are exploring now,

The two options,

There must be one of those that feels a little bit easier,

A little bit better.

So,

I dare you to just decide.

I will go for that one.

And I will just do it.

And I will see in some time,

I will reassess and feel what it is that I want,

If I want to continue with this or maybe make a different decision.

And I allow myself to make mistakes.

It is okay.

It is okay.

It is okay to make mistakes.

I am only human.

I am born to learn things.

I am born to explore things.

I am born to explore and make mistakes.

It is okay.

And if both still feel the same,

And you still feel that neither of those are clearly enough for you to make a decision,

Then just pick one and line up with it.

And decide that this is what you are going for now.

And that you will reassess,

Feel again what you need later on,

And then see where you go from there.

Because no decision is black and white.

Even the most black and white decisions are not black and white.

They are black and white in your head because you connect stories to it.

But at the end we can always work our way back to different things.

It is okay.

It is okay to make mistakes.

Just go for the one that feels relatively a little bit better.

Now I invite you to get up out of your chair.

If you want you can push the button and have the screen go down.

And let's walk into the garden.

And when you listen,

You can hear already that there is a little brook in that garden.

So let's walk to that brook.

And you see how the water is splashing over the stones,

Running down.

Beautiful,

Beautiful sounds.

Really nice.

And while you are standing there,

I want you to imagine that the thing that you regret that you wanted to work with is right here in front of you.

So it might have been a whole situation,

But it will appear to you in a single item.

And it is even something that you can hold in your hands.

And maybe it is just a little movie that you see,

Or a picture of the occasion,

That whatever way it pops up,

Just be aware that the thing that you regret is now here tangibly in front of you.

You are holding it in your hand.

And we are going to speak again to ourselves about this regret.

And when you look at it,

Feel where you feel this in your body.

Your body is such a good provider of information,

So supporting you to know what is going on within.

Wherever you feel it in your body,

It might feel unpleasant,

And if that has an effect on you,

That's okay.

If it's overwhelming,

You can always open your eyes,

And then you will see me sitting,

And you will see a room,

And you will see that you are safe.

You can stop at any moment when it's overwhelming.

But if it's not,

And you're still here with me,

Then be aware of this regret.

Okay,

Now,

Let's tell this regret this.

I wish this was different.

I wish I made a decision then.

I wish I did something then that I would not have to regret right now.

But the fact that I feel regret,

I take it now like a message.

A message that I have more information now,

Information that has changed me to the person that I am right now.

And the person that I am right now is a pretty awesome person,

So how could this have been wrong?

I know when I look back,

It still feels like a mistake that I made,

But if I consciously remind myself now that I am this awesome person that I am right now,

Also because of this mistake,

Not just because of my successes,

I feel already a little bit different about this regret.

It feels already a little bit lighter.

I feel that the tension in my body is moving a little bit through my body.

In a weird way,

I can almost feel some little bit of appreciation that this happened because it has made me who I am right now.

It's kind of a relief to feel that.

It's kind of a relief to feel that I'm actually okay with the mistakes that I made,

Because it makes me realize that I'm a human being.

I'm just the human being that I want to be,

Not the perfect one,

Not a shiny,

Polished,

Perfect puppet.

No,

I'm just me with everything that comes with me,

With my love,

With my heart,

With my mind,

With my bad things,

With my lazy things,

With my mistakes.

It all shapes me for who I am,

And by now I know that I'm pretty awesome.

And when I look now at the regret,

I can hardly see it anymore.

It's way lighter.

Well,

It's still there,

And I know when I focus on it,

I can bring it back and heavy,

But I don't want that.

I just make myself realize for the very first time that it is okay to make a mistake.

And you know what?

That is what I am going to remember,

That I can make mistakes,

Because also the mistakes shape me.

Oh,

It's really touching me to realize that.

So what I'm going to do now,

I'm going to surrender this regret to the brook.

I will just put it there,

And I will let it in the water,

And I will see it float away gently.

And I just want to say thank you while it floats away.

Thank you for making me who I am right now.

It feels good to let go.

It feels good to allow myself to not be perfect.

It feels good to allow myself to make mistakes.

It feels good to let me just be me.

Now it can be that you are experiencing any emotions now,

Whatever it is.

If it's relief or sadness or happiness,

Whatever it is,

Just have your own back.

You can put your arms around yourself,

Hold yourself.

Your body doesn't distinguish between you holding yourself and someone else holding yourself.

And you can put that to your advantage by just holding yourself,

Maybe hugging yourself,

Caressing yourself.

Rocking yourself.

It is nice to feel that you have your own back.

It is nice to feel that you let go of the expectations of yourself,

That you allow yourself gentleness,

Self-gentleness.

I just want you to know that you are so worthy.

You are so lovable.

You are exactly right as you are.

And you cannot say that often enough to yourself,

Because you are,

No matter what.

All right,

Now let's walk back through the garden,

Back through the garden doors,

Into this beautiful room that you created for yourself.

And just know that you can always come back here to feel safe,

To look at your decisions,

To go to the garden and let go of regrets,

Or to just tune in and be with yourself.

Let's walk to the elevator together.

Push the heart-shaped button and feel how the elevator is going back up.

There is the pling and the door is open and you get out.

Now we are going to land back in your body.

Just keep your eyes closed still for a bit,

Just bring your attention back to your buttocks on the seat,

Your feet on the floor,

Feel the support,

The love of Mother Earth.

Feel how your body feels a little bit softer,

Gentler,

Relative from when you started.

You feel this sense of more ease,

More softness.

And that is exactly what we were aiming for.

Now you can wiggle your fingers,

Your toes,

Stretch your spine,

Yawn.

And then in your own time you are going to slowly open your eyes.

Just take your time,

You can take 1-2 minutes if you like.

You've had your eyes closed for quite some time,

So let's make the transition slowly.

And I will be here waiting for you.

Tricia says,

A stranger asked me how I was and I cried so hard.

He was so freaked out,

He was a doctor.

Embarrassed because I wasn't doing this work,

It came out in public.

Yeah,

Tricia,

But you know what?

It was a kind person who asked you how you was.

And that just touched you.

And crying is not wrong.

I know that a lot of people frown upon the emotions that we have,

But I was interviewed for a podcast today and we were speaking about it.

And I said,

I think the whole world would benefit from us recognizing emotions and feeling them and letting them guide us as a compass.

Unpleasant,

Hey,

Something is off.

Pleasant,

Hey,

Something is right.

That's just what they are.

And you don't have to be embarrassed about that.

I think it was beautiful that someone asked you.

And I think it was beautiful that you felt so touched that you cried.

I think it really bodes for your sensitivity and your emotions.

And you can be proud of yourself.

Jean says,

Crying is my superpower.

Yes,

Jean,

Exactly.

That was what I was saying,

But you say it really crystal clear.

Crying is a superpower.

Marjorie says,

What do you think of telling ourselves that we did the best we could at the time with the resources we had available then?

Excellent,

Marjorie,

Excellent.

That is exactly the soothing language that you need for yourself.

That is probing in yourself for those thoughts that will soothe the unpleasant feelings.

Because the thing is,

Even if you did something so wrong that maybe you are right to regret it,

It will not help you to change things now.

And it will certainly not help to beat yourself up.

So,

Yeah,

It's really,

Really great what you said.

Those kind of thoughts,

Thinking those kind of thoughts will really help you.

Richard says,

Breathe softly.

Marjorie says,

People have told me that,

But I find it can be hard to believe.

Yeah,

And that has to do with allowing yourself that gentleness.

It's really about allowing yourself to make mistakes.

And those words are trying to tell you that.

Those words that you just wrote down are trying to soothe you in that.

And it's up to you to learn how you can allow those words in.

That even if you don't believe it,

Let's say you did something wrong,

And someone that really loves you unconditionally,

And you love them,

And they are telling you this,

And you might at first think,

Yeah,

But they will continue to say,

But you did the best,

It is really okay.

And slowly you start to believe it,

Because this is someone that loves you,

That you know,

That really wants the best for you.

So you can surrender to allowing that comfort in.

And that is exactly what I want to teach with Self-Gentleness.

That you can be your own comforter.

You can be the one doing that too.

You do not always,

It's really beautiful if you have that kind of people in your life.

I am the last one to ignore that.

I have lovely people in my life who can do that for me too.

However,

I know that I can do it for myself too.

It is necessary that I can do that for myself.

And that is what you learn with Self-Gentleness.

Again,

So this course will teach you the foundations of Self-Gentleness.

And when you start to apply these and do this for let's say a month every day.

And it is really like two minutes,

Three practices of each two minutes.

Six minutes a day.

So you could even do it in a restroom,

Right?

If you think that you don't have time.

And if you do this for a month,

You will feel a shift.

It will become easier to find those words.

Because you start being gentle with yourself and it becomes a habit.

It becomes part of who you are.

So yeah,

Try it,

Try it.

I really would love for you to try and see how it feels.

So Mona says,

Letting go of the regret allowed me to remember something positive about the situation before the regret came.

Oh,

I love that Mona.

I really love that.

Because that decision was made at that point in time for a certain reason.

And it brought you here and now.

And it shaped you.

And I love it that you remember that then at that time there was a good thing about it.

And that is important.

Because it also helps you to soothe yourself.

That you don't have to regret.

It's just part of you,

Your own life story.

And you can continue to regret things.

But what does that give you?

A really bad feeling about yourself.

It's way better to embrace yourself.

To hug yourself.

To soothe yourself.

To feel better.

Because the beauty is that when you show yourself time and again that you have your own back in every moment in time.

You know how to be kind and gentle to yourself.

Then you also know that when really difficult times might appear,

You have the power to help yourself.

And that builds such a self-trust and self-confidence.

So yeah,

I love that you are in that process.

Michelle says,

Tears for fears ride.

Hi from Philly,

Thank you so much.

This was exactly what was needed to ground down and reconnect to my spirit.

I really appreciate your grace and beautiful teaching style.

Thank you for sharing your way in healing us.

Thank you Michelle.

Those are really words that touch me.

Thank you so much.

I always love,

I love to do this.

I love to teach self-gentleness.

I love also these lives to speak with people.

To respond to your questions.

It's really touching me that it's helping you.

Thank you so much for sharing that.

Alright,

I see I'm way over time.

I don't care.

I really enjoyed it.

The meditation was a bit longer than I anticipated.

But I think it was good.

I think it was needed.

And you need to take time for these things also.

So,

Nate says,

I believe self-kindness is my son's secret to acceptance and progress in baseball.

Absolutely,

Absolutely.

I play tennis,

Well not at the moment because I have a sore shoulder.

But if I'm playing and I'm beating myself up in my head,

I cannot play.

It's just by thinking,

Okay,

So I don't hit the ball right,

Okay.

And then I play well.

So,

I love it that you see that with your son.

And how he succeeds in baseball because of his self-kindness.

I love it.

Thank you for sharing that.

It's a really great one.

Tricia says,

This helped me immensely.

Thank you so much.

Namaste,

My wife and sister.

Thank you,

Tricia,

For sharing that.

Thank you for being here.

I really love that.

And thank you,

Maria,

For your donation.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you so much.

Alright,

I'm going to close off.

I will just close off with telling you that on August 8th,

There is Coping with Change.

12th of September,

Caregiving Responsibilities.

The 20th of October is going to be Body Image.

That's an important one also for me.

The 14th of November,

The Holiday Season Special,

Family Festivities.

A lot of alliterations,

But you get the gist.

And then the last one of this year is on the 12th of December,

How to be Happy.

Well,

To be self-gentle is to be happy,

But I will speak more about it then.

Luckily,

Summer is still here,

Or winter if you are down on there.

I so love all of you for being here,

Meditating with me.

It's very special because when we meditate together,

It's almost as if I feel you here being with me in my studio.

And that is really amazing,

Knowing that you are in Australia,

New Zealand,

Brazil,

America,

Canada,

The Netherlands,

Germany,

Greece.

And that's just a few of the countries that I saw.

Thank you so much for being here.

I love you all so much.

Listen to my course.

You had the opportunity.

Follow me if you are not following me yet.

Yeah,

There it is.

You have now the opportunity to still follow me.

You can also look me up on Insight Timer and follow me from there.

And then lastly,

If you would like to support me with a donation,

Feel free to do so.

You can make it now right here.

I will just leave it up for a little bit while I'm saying goodbye to all of you.

So I hope to see you again on the 8th of August.

Sending you all so much love.

Bye bye.